Feb 28, 2017

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #80

It's a lot simpler these days to become a rich and famous country songwriter. Well, simple if you meet a certain stringent criteria and aren't afraid to whore yourself out. I'm a scholar of songwriting and the changing methods for getting yourself out there. I know my shit children. Don't mean I'm happy about it anymore, but here you go. Fifteen or twenty easy steps. Hop to it.

Be under 30. 

Have a degree or two from Belmont. 

Encourage your tall, handsome, athletic, under-30 friend to learn a few basic chords on the guitar. 

Write some repetitive song lyrics that makes your dude look like a scumbag who's begging his woman to save him. 

"Buy a beat" online. 

Get your friend to talk sing your lyrics over the beat. 

Insert a minuscule amount of nearly unnoticeable guitar or banjo. 

Kiss major ass in Nashville. Like, maybe even do stuff that's against your religion, morals, standards, and sexual preferences. 

Get your buddy a ton of beefcake photo shoots for Instagram. 

Have him record a few covers of mid-2000's "country" songs to put on YouTube. 

Buy some Twitter followers for him. 

Start a few fake accounts posing as teenage girls to talk up your "artist" to other teenage girls. 

Get a lawyer; look into artist management. 

Open some bank accounts. 

Pour a bourbon. 

Light a cigar. 

Lean back in your recliner and wait.

That's it.

Who, me bitter?

*not actually written by John Rich

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