It's a lot simpler these days to become a rich and famous country songwriter. Well, simple if you meet a certain stringent criteria and aren't afraid to whore yourself out. I'm a scholar of songwriting and the changing methods for getting yourself out there. I know my shit children. Don't mean I'm happy about it anymore, but here you go. Fifteen or twenty easy steps. Hop to it.
Be under 30.
Have a degree or two from Belmont.
Encourage your tall, handsome, athletic, under-30 friend to learn a few basic chords on the guitar.
Write some repetitive song lyrics that makes your dude look like a scumbag who's begging his woman to save him.
"Buy a beat" online.
Get your friend to talk sing your lyrics over the beat.
Insert a minuscule amount of nearly unnoticeable guitar or banjo.
Kiss major ass in Nashville. Like, maybe even do stuff that's against your religion, morals, standards, and sexual preferences.
Get your buddy a ton of beefcake photo shoots for Instagram.
Have him record a few covers of mid-2000's "country" songs to put on YouTube.
Buy some Twitter followers for him.
Start a few fake accounts posing as teenage girls to talk up your "artist" to other teenage girls.
Get a lawyer; look into artist management.
Open some bank accounts.
Pour a bourbon.
Light a cigar.
Lean back in your recliner and wait.
That's it.
Who, me bitter?
*not actually written by John Rich
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