Sep 21, 2018

Carrie Underwood Fan Group Outed as Cult

Possible C.U.L.T. members attend a fan club event
Carrie Underwood Lovers Together, or "C.U.L.T.," has been outed as a likely cult. The fan group, which was founded in 2009 on a Carrie message board, purchased a large tract of land in rural Tennessee in 2012 and many members have since relocated there. Stories out of the 502 acre commune have been bizarre and troubling. 

However, CULT leader Adam Porter, who asked that we refer to him as The Messenger, assured us that CULT is definitely not a cult. "I grow weary of the unenlightened misconstruing our mission here in Carrieton." he said, "We only wish to bring like-minded followers of The One into close contact that we may show our appreciation for her in harmony with one another." Despite The Messenger's denials of the commune's cult status, evidence suggests otherwise. 

Multiple members of the group have been admitted to hospitals due to malnutrition and leg injuries. Dawn Sumpkins, a former member of CULT, reported strict but nutritionally suspect forced vegetarianism and mandatory leg exercises. "They wanted us only eating veggies like Carrie, but failed to provide any protein or the necessary variety of vitamins, so people were passing out every day." said Sumpkins, "And so we could have legs like Carrie, we had to do squats and leg extensions daily without rest days - I tore my ACL twice; it was ridiculous." 

Another ex-CULT member related that when they weren't doing calf raises or meditation, they were required to spend 9 hours per day defending Carrie online.  On condition of anonymity, the individual told us: "We were taught in daily scriptures that Carrie is without flaw, that her music is pure form of God as artwork, and that anyone who besmirched her was an infidel. We were to seek any criticism of her work on Twitter or other sites, and give our Holy Support to The One by raging politely against the infidels."

Authorities in the area, while concerned about the CULT complex, have yet to find any illegal activities taking place. Police have only been called to the collective's unofficial town once. Nearby campers thought they heard several women being tortured, but it turned out to be Carrie-oke (karaoke) night.

When reached for comment about C.U.L.T., Mrs. Underwood's management issued the following statement: "We are currently consulting legal counsel to direct us in gaining protections from and putting distance between Carrie and this passel of loonies."

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