Feb 7, 2020

Alan Jackson to Release Protest Album

Country legend Alan Jackson takes his time putting out new music these days, but he’s gearing up for a surprising new release. Due May 8th, Things That Bother Me, produced by Keith Stegall, will be a departure for the long, tall singer - a protest album - and we talked with him about this unique venture.

“The Long and Short of It,” the album’s opener tackles an issue near and dear to Jackson’s heart. “You don’t know how hard it is to find 38.5 inseam jeans without having to go on the computer,” frowned Jackson, “So this song’s about that.” The tune documents and dismisses the continued discrimination of the men’s clothing industry against men with very long legs. The anger in his voice is palpable as he sings: “I looked in the Target big & tall, but 36 is all they had.”

Jackson is twice as passionate on “As God Intended,” a gospel-tinged anthem about the proliferation of craft beers. “Why can’t people just enjoy a good Bud heavy like a normal American?” he puzzled, “They got IPAs, double IPAs, triplebocks, sours, and coffee stouts out the wazzoo. Makes it hard for me to just grab my sixer and go with all the granola boys hanging over the coolers looking at their phone apps for a beer rating or something.”

While never breeching the subjects of politics or social justice, Alan does get into a controversial subject on the album’s final cut, “Sissy Basketball.” While he only played church league ball as a younger man, Jackson still laments the evolution of the NBA from the grinding defensive struggles of the 80s and 90s to today’s high-scoring finesse game. “I miss the days of Bill Laimbeer and Charles Oakley literally assaulting somebody who thought they’d get an easy layup,” he laughed, “So this song’s about that.” 

When asked if he thinks the confrontational tone of the album will turn off long time fans, Mr. Jackson simply stated “I don’t reckon.”

Track listing for Things That Bother Me:
1. The Long and Short of It
2. Beyonce Didn’t Invent Country Music
3. Electric Cars
4. As God Intended
5. Paywalls
6. No Legroom
7. Things That Bother Me
8. I Don’t Love That About You
9. Zipper Merge
10. Sissy Basketball


  1. Of course this is satire, but if the Nickelback of country music were to actually release a protest album, it would likely be about his grievances over the fact that tradition is slowly returning to country music and therefore supplanting the bro-country, hick-hop, and metro-bro that Jackson helped invent. Of course, as is the norm with Jackson's "music", I would also expect most of the album to be heavily influenced by hip-hop and Drake style R&B, as it was Jackson who covered Akon's "Don't Matter", Future's "Mask Off", and Shaquille O'Neal "(I Know I Got) Skillz" in concert.

    "When asked if he thinks the confrontational tone of the album will turn off long time fans, Mr. Jackson simply stated “I don’t reckon.”" Well, the only way that the Nickelback of country music would turn off his fans is if he stops diluting country music and starts making traditional country music. Unfortunately, that is about as likely to happen as Mars crashing into Earth before the end of 2020. Alan Jackson (the Nickelback of country music) is no Tyler Childers, Hank 3, Cody Jinks, Sturgill Simpson, Chris Stapleton, Eric Church, Jon Pardi, Cody Johnson, Jason Boland, or Luke Combs. Alan Jackson is simply the father of bro-country. The fact that pop superstar Justin Bieber's collaboration with metro-bro duo and Rascal Flatts knockoff Dan + Shay "10,000 Hours" has been the number one country song since October while "Meant to Be", bro-country duo Florida Georgia Line's collaboration with pop singer Bebe Rexha, currently holds the record for the longest running number one country song at 50 weeks are all the apocalyptic aftermath of what Alan Jackson (the Nickelback of country music) did to this genre.

    As for Alan Jackson's alleged cover of "We Dem Boyz" ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QFOtWpul3ZY ), the video was filmed over an Alan Jackson concert to make it look like Alan Jackson was doing a cover of Wiz Khalifa's "We Dem Boyz", while in reality, he was really playing "Remember When" while a Florida Georgia Line cover of the Wiz Khalifa song played on my two Sony stereos (Sony MHC-GX450 and Sony LBT-GPX77) in the background.


    1. The fact that "Shut your face!" was the only retort you could come up with is telling. Indeed, it speaks volumes about the idiocy of Alan Jackson fans (and bro-country fans in general, for that matter).


    2. Are you kidding me? You really put Eric Church, Jon Pardi, and Luke Combs in there? Speaks volumes about your taste in music. If anything screams wannabe hillbilly white trash it's those three, just saying. As for Alan Jackson, not all of his music was wonderful. He had a phase where everything was about small towns and four wheel drives. So what. Most country fans are highly familiarized with this stuff, myself included. You learn to pick your battles. Was "Good Time" a disgrace to the very name of country music? Hell yes, it was a disgrace to music in general. But the roots of Alan Jackson were traditional, the crooner who sang "Someday" in that beautiful baritone voice is the true Alan. The man who spoke of the harsh realities of life in "Here In The Real World". The man who admired George Jones, and who George Jones admired. It doesn't get much realer than Alan. He's a sentimental cuss, sometimes he writes songs that reflect over fondly on his childhood growing up in a small town. When he wrote those songs, he was telling the plane truth of his life. Nowadays when they write those songs, it's some white collar asshole with his laundry list of countryisms shitting out songs left and write for wannabe good ole boys. We know that's not what the country is about. Maybe to a teenager who has never done an ounce of work in his life, sure. But I still can't get over you putting Jon Pardi, Eric Church, and Luke Combs on the same list as Tyler Childers and Sturgill Simpson.

      Not only that, You are a bold faced liar and a disgrace to true country fans. Anyone with an ounce of intellect knows you played a fucking song over a concert where Alan Jackson was singing "Remember When", probably on your phone speaker. Get a life, and stop being a Luke Combs fanboy while you're at it. Honestly.

    3. Here's your Jon Pardi :)




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