72% of Americans in Favor of Walker Hayes’ Arrest

When presented with the poll question “Would you support the arrest of pop-country singer Walker Hayes, singer of “Fancy Like” (aka The Applebees Song)?” a full 72% of Americans answered affirmatively. No legal basis for his being taken into custody was given, yet a strong majority of citizens would approve of his being jailed.

Walker’s song has been a mainstay on country radio since June, and television since August - featuring in ever-present Applebee’s commercials. The nearly inescapable tune paints an idyllic picture of the simple life, mentioning many name brands in the process. Some love the song, but most apparently see it as the grounds for Hayes’ incarceration. 

In the comments section of our poll (which only featured that one question), we received such feedback as:

“I don’t know who that is but he has a stupid name so yes.”

“That song makes me want to pull out my ear drums with tweezers and burn them in sacrifice to Satan.”

“Hes not cuntry music like Hank and Paycheck he sucks so throw him in the pen!”

“You people are so hateful. Don’t you have friends or fun? What’s wrong with a little light hearted silliness?”

“F*** this Lego head guy. He’s worse than Garth!”

In this day of divided attentions and beliefs, one strains to find anything Americans agree on over a 45% threshold, so this result is fairly surprising. Only 32% of Americans agreed with the statement that “Clean air is good.” A slightly higher percentage, 34%, said that ‘stabbing people they disagreed with’ was immoral. 

Hayes, who recently scored his first #1 hit with the ubiquitous song, said in response to this poll question, “Why would you even ask that? Who are you?” Hayes’ representation also stated: We are perplexed about why a media source with a likely axe to grind would propose such an absurd poll question. Walker Hayes has brought joy to millions with his smash hit song, and is also an upstanding citizen, husband, and father. We’ll give no further comment at this time, except WTF?”

At press time, Walker Hayes was not being investigated for any reason whatsoever, but perhaps he should be if America has a say in the matter.