Jul 26, 2024
Talking in Circles
Trading Up
Tragic Accident Strikes as Woman is Released from Prison
Eyewitnesses report a scene filled with anticipation that quickly turned to horror and sorrow as the woman, identified as 62-year-old Lindy Cole, was struck by a train while heading to meet her son. According to local authorities, Lindy was set to reunite with her son, Allan, who had arrived at the station to pick her up after years of incarceration for arson and tax fraud.
In an unfortunate turn of events, while Allan was on his way to the station in his pickup truck, Lindy attempted to cross nearby train tracks and was hit by a southbound Canadian National. "It was pouring rain, and she probably didn't even see it," stated bystander Steven Good, who witnessed the tragic accident. "I heard the train horn but it was too late. It's like some sad a** country song; it was all that I could do to keep from crying."
As the news broke, emotions ran high in the community, with many expressing their condolences for the family. Allan, who stumbled out of his step-side F-250 at the scene seemingly intoxicated, was devastated after learning of the loss. Friends say he had long awaited this moment, and the tragedy has left him bereft. "Dave - it's a nickname - we don't call him by his real name..." said friend Jon Pine. "He's utterly ruined and I hope we can get him to hang around town a while and maybe consider therapy."
Emergency services responded promptly, but Lindy was pronounced dead at the scene. Investigations into the incident are ongoing, with authorities looking into factors such as "it raining as hard as a cow pissing on a flat rock" (according to eyewitnesses) and crossing barriers that were "nearly useless to remain."
At press time, funeral arrangements for Lindy Cole are pending, with family and friends devastated by the ironic and dark turn of events.
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Get to the Good Part
New Country Singer Doesn’t Even Use Trap Beats
Eschewing modern bells and whistles like programmed trap beats and guest appearances by white rappers, the singer is instead leaning on what he calls "tradition." When asked if he'd even considered using auto-tune or wearing a plain t-shirt with a gold chain in his promo photos, he succinctly replies with "Hell no, and I never lie."
Despite being written by less than 10 songwriters and having little similarity to the sounds of Thomas Rhett or Hardy, the performer's current single is nearing the mainstream country top 25, and he's beginning to garner slots on national tours. The singer, who doesn't even have face tattoos, says he has a simple philosophy about his music.
"I perform and record country music," he stated plainly. "If that makes me an innovator on country radio, so be it." He went on to say that he would not be releasing any songs about a douchebag in bar picking up a girl and banging her in his suburban assault truck. Many wonder if this promising artist is shooting himself in the foot not pandering to the Chads and Karens of the world.
"He doesn't even attempt trendy dance moves on TikTok or use slang in his songs," said an anonymous Nashville music exec. "So I wonder just how much shelf life this 'novelty' music can have." He ended the thought with this warning: "I wish him the best but if he doesn't want to cut in a few more dozen writers on his next record, he's toast."
At press time, the singer was practicing guitar instead of doing burpees.
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(this is fictionally about Zach Top, but it can represent others playing a comparatively timeless style of country music)