Showing posts with label Clint Black. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Clint Black. Show all posts

Oct 28, 2022

New 90s Country Fans Shocked to Learn About 90s Economy

“Holy sh**!” explained mullet-headed recent 90s country convert Ian Downy. “Gas was $1.50? I knew the 90s was a while ago, but that’s what I thought it cost in the 20s. Can you imagine how much cruising down backroads in a $9000 Ford Ranger cranking Little Texas you could do at that price?”

Downy is not alone in his discovery of that decade’s generally booming economy. With 90s country returning to prominence among younger music fans, a lot of those have fallen down a rabbit hole of despair comparing those times to these. 


“You could get a McDonald’s combo for two friggin’ dollars and ninety-nine cents, my brother in Christ,” said a gobsmacked Kaitlyn Mack. “It’s like ten bucks now; I blame whoever is President at this moment.” Mack perused ‘throwback’ photos of 90s prices on Instagram, mouth agape, as she proudly sported her $200 vintage Reba McEntire t-shirt she bought off eBay.


Jason Harkenson, an Uber driver from West Memphis, told us he’d initially gotten really into Patty Loveless and Clint Black before noticing the price on someone’s vintage Alan Jackson concert ticket they’d posted on Reddit. “You could get into a show for $25 back then? That’s what parking is now…” he said, Ricochet blasting in the background. “And then I stupidly kept digging and found out a person making $9 an hour could afford a pretty good apartment back then. What the absolute f**k?? I’ve got two jobs and a roommate.”


Many of the younger 90s country fans who took this depressing journey expressed sadness that they’d gone from digging “Friend in Low Places” and mullets to being despondent about the nineties including both $5/6pk beer and strong economic growth and a steady job market. 


“Wish I didn’t know now what I didn’t know then, indeed.” lamented Harkenson.


Sep 1, 2022

Only Murders in the Building Country Reaction Gifs

When given choice of a country song that slaps or a country song that whines

Clint Black?

When you're involved in vertical affection and he says he's gonna put on some Dustin Lynch for mood music

When the SEC has Kane Brown as bumper music despite your requests against it on Twitter

When he's taking you to Applebee's on the first date

When you're touring Garth's house and accidentally end up in the murder basement

Miranda Lambert?

A polite discussion of George Strait's greatness on Twitter

Just listen to 30 seconds of this new Parmalee song and tell me what you think

When you get Garth Brooks' cell #

Jun 30, 2022

What Your Favorite Summer Country Song Says About You



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Dan + Shay “19 + You and Me”
You don’t like country music except Dan + Shay, who are not country. You own 15 personalized tumblers that all smell vaguely of vodka or White Zinfandel. You only have Facebook to post pictures of your 8 yearly vacations.


Alan Jackson “Chattahoochee”

You actually did lose your virginity on a river bank. You like that the mullet came back in fashion. You probably need to start learning about LDL and HDL.


Garth Brooks “That Summer”
You are a horny old widow.


Kid Rock “All Summer Long”

You don’t wash your legs or feet in the shower because “the soap just runs down anyway.” You have some poorly spelled political thoughts you’d like everyone on Facebook to know about. You have a dog named FJB.


Nitty Gritty Dirt Band “Fishin’ in the Dark”

You either think the song is about fishing, or think this is NGDB’s worst song but it’s still the best summer song… there is no in between.


Thomas Rhett “Vacation”

You are theoretical. There is no such person. This song is bad even to people with shitty tastes.


Shooter Jennings “4th of July”

You don’t use the internet. Your work truck smells like Marlboro Reds and pretzels. You hate Democrats, Republicans, and Libertarians equally. 


Deana Carter “Strawberry Wine”

You also lost your virginity on a river bank. You hate that the mullet came back in fashion because it reminds you of your junior year boyfriend who left you for Amanda Sykes. You have kids with a 10 year age gap. You can drink your husband’s friends under the fire pit. 


Clint Black “Summer’s Comin’”

You are a Clint Black stan. You almost drove off the road when they played a Rascal Flatts song on the classic country station. You know what LDL and HDL are. 


FGL “Cruise”

You still have the same truck and the same truck nutz from when this song came out, but there’s a baby seat in the back seat now. You drink exclusively Michelob Ultra. You recently traded in your straight legs for loose fit jeans. 


Apr 8, 2022

Deadline for Dumbass Summer Pop-Country Singles Rapidly Approaching

Though we’ve barely stepped foot into Spring, the deadline for stupid-ass, shallow, moronic, brand name filled, pandering pop-country summer songs is quickly nearing. With the slow movement of the charts these days, a song released now might have a chance of peaking by late August or early September, unless your name is Luke Combs or Morgan Wallen. 


Word out of Nashville says around 43 B, C, and D-list artists were preparing to drop tunes about skinny dipping, trucks, feet on dashes, cut off jeans, girls in trucks, trucks in mud, bonfires in fields, sex in a field, beer in a truck, and the July moon in the next couple of weeks. Though most of these will never climb into the top 40, the braindead, embarrassing, numbskull summer song is a tried and true tradition for artists every year, even if they’re simply going through the motions. 


Even country legends have fallen into this trite formula in the past, with Clint Black (“Summer’s Coming”) and Travis Tritt (“Girls Gone Wild”) putting out their doofiest, most cringe-worthy songs simply with the hopes that country fans would like to listen to songs about what they’re doing in summer while they’re doing it. 


Up and comer Chance Russell is excited about his forthcoming debut single “Livin’ for the Summer.” “It’s about you know, living, and summer, and making sure to be living for the summer.” said a smiling Russell as he signed off on the final mix, replete with computerized drums and meticulously corrected vocals. 


In writer’s rooms across Nashville, some were still trying to bang out empty-headed bangers at the last minute. 9 dudes were attempting to find a rhyme for ‘hard seltzer’ in one plush office, while 13 guys and one girl were adding some last minute slang to their shit-for-brains summer slapper in the suite next door. 


Other titles to be on the lookout for include:

“Married in Myrtle”

“White Claw Can, Fresh Spray Tan”

“Redneck Vibe Check”

“Dirt Road Drip”

“Left My Heart on Miramar”



Mar 17, 2022

Wrasslin' Country Reaction Gifs: Scott Hall Edition

 RIP Bad Guy.

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I'd bet it all on a good run of bad luck

Tryin' to make the way things are
the way things used to be

When you're a Ragweed fan, you're a Ragweed fan

How many times would you rather be punched in the face than go to a Dan + Shay concert?

You bet I wouldn't talk trash to Aldean's face?

When your friend plays some Walker Hayes at the fish fry

Willie Nelson when the IRS penalties hit him

When you can't remember the name of that Lumineers hit

You think we're mean for making fun of pop-country singers you like? 


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