Criminal History

New Video / Benjamin Tod & Jesse Daniel / "A Few Ole Country Boys"

Greensky Bluegrass Cover Randy Travis' "Diggin' Up Bones"

AI Illustrated 80s Country Songs

A list of the song is at the end, if you can't figure some of them out.

Willie & Merle - Pancho & Lefty

Hank Jr. - Whiskey Bent & Hell Bound

George Strait - The Fireman

Randy Travis - Deeper Than the Holler

Ray Stevens - The Mississippi Squirrel Revival

The Judds - Mama He's Crazy

Every #1 Country Song of the 2000s: 2003

2003

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January 11: "19 Somethin'" by Mark Wills

I was only two years old when the '80s ended, but the pop culture touchstones from the years before still lingered. I remember struggling to solve a Rubik's Cube, the local buffet had a Pac-Man cabinet, and a kid in the third grade once brought in a Stretch Armstrong for show and tell. So on the surface, I don't entirely hate this song's concept. What does rub me the wrong way is how there's really no narrative; it's just this Ready Player One-esque string of nostalgia-bait without much else going for it, so that those around the same age as the singer can say "Oh yeah, I remember that." When you compare it to the Pac-Man reference in Brad Paisley's "Welcome to the Future," it's clear the latter actually has something deeper to say about the game than just "it existed." (It's actually kind of crazy to think that a modern-day rewrite of "19 Somethin'" would probably be name-dropping Survivor, Grand Theft Auto, and Nickelback. Was it really all that long ago?) As it stands, it's just a listicle with an okay vocal performance and a really annoying guitar intro. C-

February 22: "The Baby" by Blake Shelton

This one could have been released a decade prior with no changes whatsoever and fit right in. It's a three-act song that you just know is going to end in a death, but it's helped along by a natural charisma and vivid storytelling. I like that it spends more time in the first verse setting the scene, so we know who the narrator and his family are. And who can't agree with a mother's love as expressed in the line "I don't care if you're 80, you'll always be my baby"? It's never bombastic or corny, and it feels credible even if you see the ending coming -- especially in how it breaks song structure to drive home the mom's death. This song almost single-handedly sees Harley Allen making up for all the sins of "The Little Girl" while also making me long for a time when Blake Shelton was actually good. Or in less snarky tones, it's just damn good country. A

March 15: "Man to Man" by Gary Allan

I've seen this song argued as the narrator putting his girlfriend's ex in his place by calling out his toxic masculinity. But to me, it's just angry, bitter virtue signaling. Concept-wise, I can't fault a guy who's willing to say "Hey, you treated this woman badly," but the execution misses pretty hard for me. Lines like "if not for me, she'd still be yours today / We're both men here, so why play games?" reek of superiority, especially in the snarling, nasal way Gary delivers them. (To be fair, I do genuinely like "She's a real woman, not a doormat for you.") When both parties in the conversation feel like they're posturing -- the other guy through his machismo, the narrator through his sense of superiority -- then the question is less "who cheated who" and more "why should I root for either one of you in this dick-waving contest?" If you want to hear this premise done right, check out Vince Gill's "Cinderella" instead. C-

March 22: "Travelin' Soldier" by The Chicks

I barely remember this song when it was on the charts, but one night in 2005 I heard it on the radio and it just destroyed me in the best way. The narrative seems simple enough: boy meets girl, boy goes off to war, boy doesn't come back. But every detail is crystal-clear, from their age, their locations, their personalities; it even works in the word "piccolo." The delivery is relaxed but never devoid of emotion, and the instrumentation is subtle but never dry. I especially love how it fades out on a fiddle and drum cadence. I love how sudden the soldier's death is, making it hit all the harder -- as I said previously, "just moments before these two had found a cure for loneliness, it's ripped away from both of them." The themes no doubt resonated in the throes of the Iraq War; sadly, opinions of that same war were more dominated by polemic vitriol that caused this song to free-fall from the charts and still haunts the Chicks two decades later. Thankfully, this song is so emotionally strong that I think it more than stands on its own as not just my favorite Chicks song, but one of my favorite songs of all time. A+

March 29: "Brokenheartsville" by Joe Nichols

"He wore that cowboy hat to cover up his horns" is a home run from the first line. This is a sharp, vivid, lyrically intriguing look at a man who's watching his ex leave with someone else and just laying into him. "Here's to the past, they can kiss my glass / I hope she's happy with him" is just delightfully savage, kept from outright cruelty by Joe Nichols' cool, laid-back delivery in contrast with the literal demonization of the guy who took her away. The melody goes down smoothly as well, what with its unusual chord changes and the neo-trad production. I actually bought Joe Nichols' little-known 1996 debut album at a dollar store long before he broke through, and while "The Impossible" was a grower for me, I was delighted to see this song become an instant hit. If you've got time to kill, whether in Brokenheartsville or otherwise, put this one on. You won't be let down. A+

April 5: "Have You Forgotten?" by Darryl Worley

"Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue" may have been awful, but at least it didn't espouse conspiracy theories, whataboutism, and outright making stuff up. That it's so angrily pro-war is actually the least of this song's concerns. I admit I don't know everything, but as far as I can tell, there was no link between Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden, and to imply otherwise is conspiratorial. But of course, saying so riles up the hate-mongering hawks so he's going to pander for all it's worth. Naturally, the right-wing tactic of blaming made-up nonsense on "they" is present, what with the claim that "they took all the footage off my TV." I'm sorry, what? I saw 9/11 and the Iraq War on the news all the goddamn time. People won Pulitzers for covering 9/11. And what's with this whole "have you forgotten" nonsense? No, I haven't forgotten about 9/11. That was one of the most sobering moments of my life, and I was 14 when it happened. Where the fuck are you going with this, Darryl? And of course, this whole mess came only a month after the Chicks got booted off country radio for extremely stupid reasons that still get them flak over two decades later. And it sucks that this same year we got the infinitely better "It Can All Be Gone" by Jamie Lee Thurston, who comes right out and says "Got no time for jealousy, got no time for greed [...] 'cause I believe that God is in the soul of every man" -- a song which withered and died within a week. Even Darryl himself got it right much later with "I Just Came Back from a War," where he dropped the whole "America, fuck yeah" shtick to calmly and sympathetically recount the horrors of PTSD. This monstrosity is hands down the worst song of the entire decade, as far as I'm concerned. F

May 24: "Three Wooden Crosses" by Randy Travis

To me, the most moving religious songs are those that do not paint a perfect picture. Here, we have four people who are involved in a bus wreck -- a farmer, teacher, hooker, and preacher. Who do you guess survives the crash? No, not the preacher. It's the hooker, who is given a Bible by the preacher before his death. A Bible that she ends up reading to her son, who is now a pastor himself. A more cynical read might consider this contrived, and might also question the scansion of "It's not what you take when you leave this world behind you / It's what you leave behind you when you go," but I'm not here for that. I'm here to praise this song for choosing to redeem an unlikely figure instead of pumping up the one who's already redeemed. I'm here to praise Randy's laid-back, smooth delivery. I'm here to praise a genuinely clever twist ending. But most of all, I'm here to praise the fact that a song this inspired managed to avoid every trope that usually drags down inspirational music for me and simultaneously be a late-career hit. A

May 31: "I Believe" by Diamond Rio

And we go from a genuinely good Christian song to one about... believing in ghosts? Sure, I'll allow it. The piano-heavy production is haunting and ethereal, as you'd expect, but the twangy harmony reminds you that it's still Diamond Rio. It doesn't matter how long the time span is -- you lose a loved one, you still feel their presence. I've felt that way about my dad and grandma, both of whom died a decade ago. I'm sure my mom feels that way about her dad, who died in the 70s. Is there a Heaven? Are spirits real? What happens after you die? It's hard to say, but it's comforting to attach yourself to any interpretation of someone who's no longer alive still having some kind of tangible (or intangible) presence in your life. While I still think "You're Gone" is slightly better by going for the gut-punching devastation of loss, the perception of this as a sequel song makes it just as compelling. A

June 14: "Beer for My Horses" by Toby Keith feat. Willie Nelson

When "Try That in a Small Town" came out, I rememeber seeing discussions about this song and its call for vigilantism. And sure enough, the first verse does sing about lynching criminals. But while "Try That in a Small Town" clearly had its eyes set on the modern day, this one is so obviously a period piece what with its imagery of saloons and shootouts. Is it problematic to frame something like that in a positive light, even if there's zero implication of projecting it through a modern lens? I mean, it could be, but I don't know. There's something about Toby's delivery here that isn't as blustery as it could have been, and he does have genuinely strong chemistry with Willie Nelson here. Even with some of Toby's more problematic views, this one just never got under my skin. But if it did to you, then I can absolutely understand why. B

July 26: "My Front Porch Looking In" by Lonestar

The words "sippy cup" should not be in a song ever. It's a shame, because the hook is actually pretty clever. The view out his front door is picturesque, but it won't beat the scene of a happy loving family. While the production isn't bloated beyond belief as it was on "I'm Already There," Richie McDonald still employs a cloying, saccharine vocal delivery that makes lines about sunsets looking like paintings seem far more Hallmark Channel than they need to be. The sentiment is perfectly fine; it's just the execution that's off here. They were fully into soccer mom-pandering territory by this point, and while far from the worst on that front, it's still not as cringe as "Six Foot Teddy Bear." If you want this sentiment done right, check out Donovan Chapman's "House Like That" instead. And while you're at it, also put on Lonestar's stellar cover of "Walking in Memphis," by far the highlight of otherwise a pretty rough patch for them. C-

August 2: "Red Dirt Road" by Brooks & Dunn

A single road can have so many memories attached to it. The electric guitar/mandolin interplay manages to be wonderfully evocative before Ronnie's trademark voice even gets started. And what a set of lyrics we get: walking to church, meeting your first love picking blackberries, having your first beer, wrecking your car, and just enjoying life ("happiness on Earth ain't just for high achievers" is a fantastic touch here). I can picture every single thing here being something that really did happen, not just to someone Ronnie's age but for the young, the old, and almost anyone who is at either end of that red dirt road. I also love how the song wraps up by him going back to the road, finding it to be like a friend -- that's exactly how I feel when I go back to nostalgic places I haven't visited in decades. Much like "Only in America," this one paints an imperfect yet uplifting picture of the human condition, easily making it not just one of B&D's best, but also one of the best of this entire decade. A+

August 9: "It's Five O'Clock Somewhere" by Alan Jackson feat. Jimmy Buffett

Isn't this just "Ten Rounds with Jose Cuervo" with different words? Oh well, at least this is a lot looser than AJ usually got. And that's probably about the only thing I can say in its favor, because this one quickly reached "Margaritaville" levels of "over-exposed vaguely Caribbean-sounding party song involving Jimmy Buffett that's become a commercial empire despite actually being kind of a downer." Sure, it's cute and lighthearted enough the first time, until you realize the guy's actually kinda miserable. And that's not how time works -- if it's "half past twelve," then even if you factor in the time zones that are offset by a half-hour, there aren't any where it'd be 5 PM. (Unless I botched the math, which is likely.) Who knows; maybe it's just the incessant over-play talking. But all I know is I need a drink whenever this song comes on, and it's not for the reasons the song intends. C

September 27: "What Was I Thinkin'" by Dierks Bentley

This song brings unrelenting grit right out of the gate, what with that Dobro interplay, almost Dorian mode melody, and a breakneck story about running off with a hot girl. "Becky was a beauty from south Alabama / Her daddy had a heart like a nine-pound hammer / Think he even did a little time in the slammer / What was I thinkin'?" tells you so much right away. The "father doesn't like the guy his girl's dating" trope is so well worn, but the song's focus on the running away and the narrator's unclear state of mind -- because that girl is just so attractive, after all -- put a fresh new perspective on it. Lyrical quirks like "half past too late" and a pursuit by the police add even more color. This song is infectiously catchy, fun, and messy in all the right ways, and overall, it's a four-minute burst of pure energy. This is still one of the best debut singles in the genre, in my book. A+

October 11: "Real Good Man" by Tim McGraw

This one has a hell of a groove and a silly premise -- "I may be a real bad boy / But baby, I'm a real good man" -- that somehow manages to work. I like that he calls out how her peers might reject him because of his rough exterior, and I like that a tough macho man is willing to come right out and say he's got a heart of gold. As much as our culture has hyped up manly men doing manly things, sometimes the facade needs to slip a little, and Tim gets that. I think he's a bit too mannered to really make the outer toughness sizzle, and the one flag-waving line could've been snipped out, but ultimately, there's really nothing wrong with this one. B

October 25: "Tough Little Boys" by Gary Allan

With what I just said about subverting masculinity, you'd think I'd dig this one too, right? Unfortunately, not so much. Just like "Man to Man," I can't knock this on concept alone. The central image of a macho type letting it slip when he becomes a father is admirable, and Gary is no stranger to male vulnerability. It's just the execution here that drags things down. Harley Allen has a sentimentality that can work, as "The Baby" showed; however, he did miss as often as he hit, and this one's a miss. The over-the-top reaction to his child -- he's scared of her first steps -- is laughable, and it's kind of creepy that he'd follow her school bus on the first day of school. Even his delivery has an unnatural fake softness to it that reminds me of Chuck Wicks, not helped by the excessively stringy bombastic production style. I will say this: at least it's not as ear-splittingly bloated as Lonestar's material around this point, nor as crassly manipulative and unbelievable as "The Little Girl." It's still a sappy take on an idea that should have worked, which just makes its mishandling sting all the harder for me. C-

November 8: "Who Wouldn't Wanna Be Me" by Keith Urban

This one starts off with a great opening line: "I got no money in my pockets / I got a hole in my jeans / I had a job and I lost it / But it won't get to me." And it also introduces a lot of themes that would dominate Keith's up-tempos for a while: sunshine, cars, and music. I like all the images here, such as his lover being the one who's playing guitar for once (presumably so he can focus on the ganjo that's driving the groove here?). It's hard to shake the perception of this being maybe a little too similar sonically to "Somebody Like You," but I'd say ultimately he changed enough for it not to feel redundant, either. And seriously, what's wrong with doubling down on the happiness? A-

November 15: "I Love This Bar" by Toby Keith

I've seen this described as the exact moment Toby Keith went from a singer to a product, thanks in no small part to his ill-fated restaurant chain taking on the name of this song. But entirely on its own merits, I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with it. Sure, it's a list song, and it's kind of lacking in tonal variety (which is somewhat remedied by the longer album version). But the things it does list are all kinds of people from all walks of life. I think he did the concept slightly better in the more sing-along-friendly "Drunk Americans," but at this point in his career, even the slightest nod toward inclusivity is something I'll accept from him. B

December 20: "There Goes My Life" by Kenny Chesney

Kenny Chesney had a fantastic run once he found that mix of melancholic introspection and laid-back beach-bumming. While this one doesn't hit quite as hard as the downright devastating take on Bill Anderson's "A Lot of Things Different," it's more than commendable as finding positivity in what can originally be seen as a negative. The narrator feels his life is shot because his girlfriend is pregnant, only to find out how much he enjoys having a child, and how emotional he gets when she leaves. It's a simple but instantly relatable story, and I love how it cleverly re-works the title phrase each time (a common country trope in the '90s that wasn't used nearly as much in this era). Little details like the daughter driving off with Abercrombie & Fitch clothing in her car add a more modern touch, and the production is warm and sympathetic. A

Overly Politically Correct Country Songs: 90s Edition

Jo Dee Messina 

“Heads California, Tails California”

Randy Travis 

“Better Class of Disadvantaged”

Dwight Yoakam 

“Sexually Liberated as You”

Shania Twain 

“Any Cisgender Man of Mine”

Chris LeDoux & Garth Brooks 

“Whatcha Gonna Do With a Cowhand”

Montgomery Gentry 

“Person of Appalachian Heritage Shoes”

Mary Chapin Carpenter 

“Xe Thinks Xe’ll Keep Xer”

“Shut Up and Kiss Me (If You Consent to Doing So)”

Mark Chesnutt

“Sibling Jukebox”

Clint Black 

“Unaliving Time”

“No Time to Unalive”

“Loving Visually Impaired”

John Michael Montgomery 

“Sold (The Grundy County Sex Trafficking Incident)”

Sawyer Brown 

“Some Young CIS Women Do”

Travis Tritt 

“Deity, Have Mercy on The Working Person”

[Censored] Railroad 

“Flamboyantly Confident Womxn”

Sammy Kershaw 

“Consort of My Upscale Manufactured Home”

Trisha Yearwood 

“Economically Deprived Side of Memphis”

Alan Jackson 

“Xe’s Got the Rhythm (And I am Clinically Depressed)”

Kung Fu Panda Country Reaction Gifs

The Louvin Brothers as children

I focus on my breathing and the universal sound

When you're relaxing on the back porch with some chilled out country music and somebody drives by listening to Upchurch

When you hear your pop-country fan office-mate listening to a Haggard song

If I ever catch myself enjoying a Dan + Shay song

When I heard Randy Travis has a new song dropping tomorrow

Every single time Luke Bryan falls off a stage I will watch it

When you're at a show and let go of a fart just as the band finishes their song with the abrupt ending

When pop artists come into mainstream country music just to make music that sounds like everything else in mainstream country music

When you don't think that was a piece of gum somebody just handed you at the Billy Strings show

When they catch whoever committed murder on music row and execute them, make it

Morgan Wallen summoning the power of 9 light beers and rich guy privilege to hurl a chair off the roof of a bar at 3 am

The Longest Yard Country Reaction Gifs

Still better than listening to a Kane Brown song

Bro-country videos be like

"Yeah, I'll admit I'm coming around on Jason Aldean; he's such a great singer and seems like a nice fella.

Tyler Childers when he's about to play "Follow You to Virgie"

When you ask an Upchurch fan the last book they read

When you're over 40 trying to power through a late night concert and that 7th beer kicks in

When an elder country singer tries to hit a high note these days

I keep waiting for you to forgive me

And you keep saying you can't even start

So when those three little words come so easy to you

I hope you know what I mean when I say...

Dustin Lynch attempting to make a country song

When your dumbest friend suggests you all go see a Morgan Wallen concert

Watches Childers' "In Your Love" video one (1) time