One Last Show

A Real Clown Show

 I don't know why they have guns. I just used the meme template going around.

The Current Poop of Country Radio: March '25

 A poop emoji is negative, a strike thru is positive, an asterisk denotes a song where the good attributes and the bad are dead even. An overall score and brief summary are below the chart. 

The current Poop Rating of the Mediabase Top 20 is (-8) overall which is a 10 point improvement from our previous ratings in October. Zach Top sits high atop the ratings with “I Never Lie” being the best song this month by far. Blake Shelton's "Texas" is the worst song, by a hair, over Jordan Davis' "I Ain't Sayin'." The Jelly Roll song is in no way country and I don't care for it, but it's still better than those two. Despite the strong improvement, there's a lot of meh. At least there aren't any trap beats in the top 20. 

Country Twitter Fails January

Still More Monday Memes: Blake Shelton, Zach Bryan, Bailey Zimmerman

 

Tuesday Morning Memes: Blake Shelton, Tyler Childers, Conway Twitty

Dedication to Craft

Country Twitter Fails: September '24

Every #1 Country Song of the 2000s: 2008

2008

February 2: "Letter to Me" by Brad Paisley

As frustratingly inconsistent as Brad can be -- as seen by my previous reviews -- he is nearly untouchable when he's at his best. And this song is definitely up there. The concept of being able to write a letter to your past self is fascinating on its own merits, especially for someone like me who struggled in their teenage years. But what goes in said letter is where this shines. Individual lines evoke sadness ("go hug Aunt Rita every chance you can"), subversion ("these are nowhere near the best years of your lives"), introspection ("Pain like that is fast and it's rare"), and humor ("When you get a date with Bridget, make sure the tank is full / On second thought, forget it, that one turns out kinda cool"), and it's all wrapped up by a gentle, relaxing, acoustic-driven read. Literally every damn thing works on this song, and its central message of "life may not be perfect, but it'll still get better" is universally relatable. I still tear up a little every time I hear this. A+

March 1: "Cleaning This Gun (Come On In Boy)"

by Rodney Atkins

This is a legitimately funny spin on the "overprotective dad" trope. This guy doesn't remember much from high school except threats from an equally suspicious father figure, who'll be "up all night still cleaning this gun." And now the narrator is in those same shoes, knowing his daughter is going to be with some horny young boy who might take things too far. At no point does it feel like there's any danger of the narrator going postal; after all, he goes out of his way to say nobody will actually get hurt. And as someone who's deathly afraid of guns, the fact that I laughed at the punch line is proof that he got his point across without sounding angry. I think Rodney's rough-edged delivery with a hint of a chuckle to it helps the message go down; it's also way stronger melodically than is the norm for Casey Beathard (who, for the record, does have a knack for good father-centric songs). Why has this guy's discography aged so well? A-

March 15: "All-American Girl" by Carrie Underwood

The father in this song wants a boy he can watch play football, but instead gets a perfect girl -- one who, 18 years later, is dating the high school football star, whose head is no longer in the game because he's in love. It's not really breaking any new ground lyrically, but with a title like that, I'm not expecting it to do so. It does what it does by sounding like something that could have actually happened and never feeling trite. Besides, the detail of his scholarship being on the line is a bit inspired, and the melody's great. It's also got a strong melody with a bit more fiddle than usual, which offers some grounding even after she goes for that high E on the bridge. To use an appropriate football term, this was a great fumble recovery after "So Small." B

March 29: "Small Town Southern Man" by Alan Jackson

Just like the previous song, this one succeeds by being a straight-ahead, no frills story about an everyday American life. Only this time, it's about the narrator's father. It's almost like an expansion of "Home" from much earlier in his career, telling of a hard-working father (his own, obviously) who settled into the "natural way of life, if you're lucky." I also like the actual detail of how Alan was the fifth child after four daughters, raised in a house the father himself built. "He said his greatest contribution is the ones you leave behind" is also a winner of a line. You know the father's going to get old and die, but both the father's and narrator's observations of his high spirits even in his twilight years keep the story moving along. The fact that AJ's voice is a little softer and weaker by this point only emphasizes that world-weariness he sings about, and the production smartly stays out of the way. This song emanates humility and selflessness, two qualities that should appeal to all parents and children alike. A

April 12: "You're Gonna Miss This" by Trace Adkins

And speaking of positive portrayals of fathers... This one finds the daughter being embarrassed by her dad when being dropped off at school, being visited by him in her apartment in adulthood, and then having an observation on childhood from a plumber in the third. The setup sounds smooth and natural, each time reflecting on the ups and downs of parent-child relationships. As macho as Trace was in this timespan (again, "I Got My Game On"), it was refreshing to see him drop the posturing and go for a calm, introspective bent again. And that line from the plumber when he's being bothered by the children -- "I've got two babies of my own; one's 36, one's 23" -- is a hell of a payoff. No matter how old you are, you're always somebody's "baby." I'm glad his stint on The Celebrity Apprentice gave a signal boost to one of his best songs. A+

May 3: "I Saw God Today" by George Strait

Sometimes it's the small things in life that remind believers of the existence of God. Unlike Lee Ann Womack's awkward "There Is a God" a year later, this one avoids implying that only believers can get cancer cured, or that science goes against God's will or something. The narrative here actually has cohesion, as the guy is taking a break while accompanying his heavily pregnant wife -- only to come back and witness the birth as another example of the Big Man's existence. If it's a predicable payoff, it's one that King George sells with a slightly poppier yet still charismatic read. I may be an atheist, but I believe he saw something that day just because he's so convincing at telling me. A-

May 17: "Just Got Started Lovin' You" by James Otto

How did this guy only have one hit? With a soulful delivery and great groove -- gotta love that Wurlitzer electric piano -- this is one of the coolest sounding songs to have hit the top during this stretch. Everything about it is just so chill yet sensual, never feeling gross or lazy. It hits that "just right" groove that says "sex" without rubbing it in your face. "I'm thankful for the weekend, but two days in Heaven just ain't gonna do" says a lot about how he isn't in it for just a one-night stand. This is someone he loves. Maybe it's not quite as classy or as set on the far future as "I'd Love to Lay You Down," but the fact that I'm able to invoke that song at all is proof that he's doing something right. I'm at a total loss as to why he, of all acts, had to be a one-hit wonder -- because he had the goods to go a lot longer. A

May 31: "I'm Still a Guy" by Brad Paisley

I think this song is one of the reasons I came out as non-binary. I've always had a disdain for conventional gender roles, and I'm willing to poke fun and subvert the hell out of them. But just like other forms of comedy, you need to actually remember to write a joke. And this one starts out as a bunch of played-out "battle of the sexes" lines that were even more stale now than they were back at "I'm Gonna Miss Her." Just like with "Online," I don't actually think Brad is the kind of guy who would un-ironically use the word "sissy" or punch someone for hitting on his wife. And while this could just be a rewrite of Alan Jackson's "Work in Progress," it's the last verse that really rubs me the wrong way. You know, the verse where he calls out men who accept more conventionally feminine roles. Again, I don't think Brad is the kind of person who would have called an effeminate man or a transgender person a slur (even in 2008, when trans awareness wasn't a fraction of what it is now), but just the fact that he thought it was okay to write a line about "men linin' up to get neutered" at all is more than a little bit icky to me. C-

June 21: "Last Name" by Carrie Underwood

I've seen this derided as "Before He Cheats Part II" but I'm not seeing it. If anything, it's Alan Jackson's "I Don't Even Know Your Name" only with the sexes reversed and a more Shania Twain-styled performance. She gets so drunk that she ends up marrying a guy in Vegas without even bothering to find out that much about him. It's kind of gaudy and over-the-top, but damn it, it's fun enough for me not to care. Plus, I like how "I don't even know his last name" becomes "I don't even know my last name" on the final chorus, which is a bit more of a payoff than this kind of song usually gets. Just from "Before He Cheats" to here, you can tell she's gotten a bit better at gruffness, and it works in this song's favor. Songs like this have done wonders to make her feel a lot less like a Stepford wife in my book. B+

June 28: "Better as a Memory" by Kenny Chesney

This song is one mixed metaphor away from greatness. I like the "I can't settle down" narrative here, and unlike most, I don't feel that Kenny overplayed it. And besides, "my only friends are pirates" is a good twist on his usual beach bum formula. This guy knows his restlessness and self-destructive nature are what's keeping him out of the loop, and he expresses it through a mix of colorful ("I move on like a sinner's prayer") and direct ("I don't want to be that mistake"). It never feels like it's pretentiously propping up the vague, superficial, or exceedingly obvious as if they were deep meaningful truths, unlike "Troubadour" or Rodney Crowell's "The Obscenity Prayer." The vibe is low-key, allowing the mixed emotions to shine. Unfortunately, one line trips up this whole song: the one that begins with "goodbyes are like a roulette wheel" and ends with "left holding a losing hand." That's the most blatant mixed metaphor I've seen in a song since Kathy Mattea's "Clown in Your Rodeo." How did a co-writer who's a music critic never catch that? Oh well, it's just one line; everything else here is great. A-

July 12: "Back When I Knew It All"

by Montgomery Gentry

I never got a sense of machismo from most of MG's songs. It's probably because they take time to reflect and poke fun at themselves, as is the case here. "I'm learning so much more than back when I knew it all" is humorous yet introspective, summarizing this look backward at their past cockiness and current maturity. I also love how Eddie and Troy trade off on the verses, making it sound like two buddies bonding over a conversation. Sure, the guitar riff sounds a little close to "Turn! Turn! Turn!" by the Byrds, but that's a good riff worth drawing inspiration from. I liked this song so much that I once wrote an answer song called "I Never Knew It All." So yeah, I get where these guys are coming from, and I'm here to laugh and think along with them. A

July 19: "Home" by Blake Shelton

I admit, I'm not much of a Michael Bublé fan; this is probably the only song of his I ever liked. His version actually cracked the country charts in his native Canada, so it made sense to serve up a cover. This was a weird transitional phase for Blake, shedding the hard country of his early years but not yet shifting into the more formulaic releases of the 2010s. He doesn't reinvent the wheel here, but his warm and slightly gritty voice is a perfect match to this aching lyric about being a traveling musician who misses his lover. It's a theme that fits perfectly into country, and while the arrangement isn't exactly traditional, it's still very charismatic and inviting while also having that yearning sensation that the lyrics call for. Let's just forget the ham-fisted Christmas rewrite existed and take in the goodness of this song, whether in its original or Blake's highly likable cover. A

August 2: "Good Time" by Alan Jackson

AJ tries to evoke the five-minute "extended mix" line dance novelties of the '90s and pulls it off. This one's got an appropriately gangly shuffle guaranteed to fill dance floors. Sure, it's not the most impressive thing lyrically, but I can relate with "I've been workin' all week and I'm tired, and I don't wanna sleep, I just wanna have fun." (That same mentality keeps me up until 3 AM writing reviews of 15-year-old country songs I haven't heard in ages.) There's also a lot of nuance to the production, thanks in no small part to Brent Mason shredding and chicken-picking the hell out of everything, along with some fiddle, harmonica, jaw harp, and even a talk box! Although some AJ songs are bogged down by over-writing, this one never feels over-long, probably because it's just been so long since he hit with an upbeat number and he sounds like he's having so much fun doing so. (I especially like the heavier bass and sound effects of the "Too Hot to Fish" remix, further evoking all the filigree of those "extended mix" versions.) For having no greater ambition than being the next "Boot Scootin' Boogie," I think he actually beat Brooks & Dunn at their own game by being a lot looser. A-

August 16: "All I Want to Do" by Sugarland

Whether or not you like this song may have a lot to do-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh with how much you're willing to put up with Jennifer's extended melisma. My mom hated when Aaron Tippin did that on "My Blue Angel," but she never had a problem with it here. And I don't mind it, either. It's not trying to be anything more than a lighthearted look at just relaxing after household chores and enjoying the company of your partner. Does that sound fluffy? Yeah, but Jennifer's vocal is on point, and I like the production -- mostly just clicking drum sticks and a guitar figure with a lot of suspended chords. For being a low-stakes ear-worm, it's got a bit more texture than you might think, and is all the better for it. B+

August 23: "Should've Said No" by Taylor Swift

I still think Taylor Swift's debut album is her best. It just had the charm of a talented teenager doing something she was passionate about, and showing a wisdom beyond her years. However, I still consider this song the only weak link on it. Her voice sounds even thinner than usual, with odd phrasing on the word "weakness," not to mention lines like "You should've known that word 'bout what you did with her get back to me" that are as clunky as they are grammatically incorrect. While the production is an interesting mix of country and post-grunge (and surprisingly, not a brick-walled mess unlike Nathan Chapman's more contemporary work), the lyrics and tone (especially how she sings the title) are probably the only time I can describe a country song as sounding "bratty." This was the only time on the album that I actually went "yeah, this is totally a teenager" (well, other than the "I'll tell mine you're gay" line in "Picture to Burn"), and while it may have appealed to the iCarly crowd, I don't think it held much merit beyond that. D

September 6: "You Look Good in My Shirt"

by Keith Urban

I'm still a bit bitter that Love, Pain & the Whole Crazy Thing didn't have any #1 singles on it, because I find that stretch to be his strongest (including the stunningly kinetic "Once in a Lifetime," my personal favorite). But I'll accept this as a consolation prize. The image of a woman waking up in her boyfriend's shirt is a well-worn one (pun intended), but it's one worth repeating. And this song keeps it simple by leaving the verses short (why yes, Mark Nesler did write this), and hinting at how early in the relationship it even is for the two of them: "Maybe it's a little too early to know if this is gonna work / But all I know is you're sure lookin' good in my shirt." The song was originally recorded for his Golden Road album in 2002, but this version is superior by having a more charismatic, playful delivery and slightly tighter production. It's cute, charming, and never over-stays its welcome. Seriously, go buy a copy of Greatest Hits: 19 Kids off Amazon or search up the bootleg upload of this on YouTube, because that seems to be the only way to find this verison. A

September 13: "Do You Believe Me Now"

by Jimmy Wayne

Jimmy Wayne is a fascinating person -- a man who has lived through homelessness and a suicide attempt, and who had a lot of journal entries about the same play a role in his early music. But other than "Kerosene Kid," his life never seemed to come off on record. I get on the surface how he wants to play the "I hope my ex is miserable" narrative à la Chris Cagle's "Miss Me Baby," but to say he sounds more like Dan + Shay in fedoras would still be too nice. When he sings "I knew what I was talkin' about...he's the one that's holdin' you, baby; me, I'm missin' you way across town," you expect the line to end with "milady." It's like only he has the right to tell this woman what she can and can't do, because only he can be right in any situation. You can just hear the scumminess in his voice, and even see it in that stupid haircut. The bloated production doesn't help things either, and it gets almost ear-splitting with the wall of guitars on the chorus. If this had a line about how all humans are worthless except for the ones he wants to have sex with, I'd totally believe Onision wrote it. F

September 20: "Waitin' on a Woman" by Brad Paisley

This is yet another case where a sluggish melody drags down an otherwise great song. And it's a shame, because it's one of the only times I've seen "men vs. women" humor played with a sense of self-awareness since The Red Green Show ended. Even in an era where the term "dead mall" was already well-known, the image of a husband waiting for his wife to finish shopping at the mall is relatable. The fact that the old man is amused by his situation shows a degree of sympathy and tolerance that such a setup usually lacks. And it leads to the narrator realizing that he's been doing a lot of "waiting" on his woman, too -- again, without the tiniest bit of cynicism or degradation. I even like the punch line, where he imagines himself up in Heaven waiting for her, which manages to be funny, sweet, and a little sad all at the same time. Given how utterly condescending "Little Moments" was, it's refreshing to see Brad taking a warm and sympathetic tone on similar content. It just could have used a little more seasoning in the melody and production. A-

October 4: "Don't Think I Don't Think About It"

by Darius Rucker

Hootie going country seemed so bizarre, but you listen to "Let Her Cry" and tell me (outside the Michael Stipe name-drop) that's not a country song. This is a little less glossy and free from the "hunger dunger dang" singing, with Darius giving a very charismatic read. That hook is great, and while the rest of the lyrics don't quite measure up -- the shift from "heard you found a real good man and you married him" to "I wonder if sometimes I cross your mind" is particularly jarring -- but the relaxed production and vocals make them seem a lot less stock than they look on paper. While the subtext of this being the first #1 country hit by a Black artist since 1983 is admittedly more fascinating than the song itself, I think it's still an enjoyable enough song on its own merits. B

October 18: "Everybody Wants to Go to Heaven"

by Kenny Chesney feat. the Wailers

I remember some critics back in the day savaging this song for the reggae production, and how mismatched it seemed to the lyric. But I don't see it at all. I haven't heard a song lean that hard into such an influence since, well, "Get into Reggae Cowboy," and the whole concept of relaxing and having fun because "nobody wanna go [to Heaven] now" practically screams "reggae" to me. The song also gets major points for its criticisms of religion. A holier-than-thou preacher tries to nag the narrator into redemption and swindle extra money out of him (instead of coming at him with love and compassion), only to get shot down by the narrator's savage retort. This is probably the sharpest anti-religion country song since "Would Jesus Wear a Rolex." Laid-back, funny, satirical, and distinctly produced all at once, this song finds Kenny laying a whole lot of new ground. A+

November 1: "She Never Cried in Front of Me" by Toby Keith

After a mix of testosterone-fueled swagger ("She's a Hottie"), awkward attempts at sensitivity ("Love Me If You Can"), and outright shitposting (also "She's a Hottie"), Toby Keith is back to one of his formulae that I like the most: the vulnerable male. It's a standard narrative of a man who was too proud and emotionally blind to see he wasn't treating his woman right until he sees her with another man. That "too late" realization is such a staple of country music (e.g., "I See It Now" by Tracy Lawrence), and this one twists the knife a bit further with the line "if she ever did cry for me / They were tears that you can't see." Sometimes emotional damage is harder to read, and I like that this song acknowledges that. You can tell he's torn up about wanting to un-ring that bell, knowing full well he can't. Literally the only thing I can knock this song for is the overly loud production, which sounds like a hair metal ballad and threatens to undercut Toby's consistently strong voice. But other than that, this is a damn good song that I'm surprised didn't stick around longer. A-

November 8: "Just a Dream" by Carrie Underwood

This one gets full marks out of the gate for its concept alone. After the first half of the decade was swamped with cartoonishly pandering jingoism, we started getting songs about the soldiers themselves and the impact their lives have -- whether they return with PTSD ("I Just Came Back from a War") or don't return at all ("If I Don't Make It Back"). This one twists things even further, starting out sounding like it's about a bride headed to her wedding -- only to drop the revelation that the husband-to-be died in combat. I love the details of her putting a sixpence in her shoe, and the military salute feeling "like a bullet in her heart." It's all clever but never feels manipulative or contrived; this is a story line I can believe actually happened. Carrie's voice is already a lot more nuanced by this point, finding times to restrain herself before amping back up, and the "dreamy" production keeps up with her. That one long "just a dream" drawn out at the end feels a lot less like an "impress the Idol judges" long note and more like a scream of frustration from the woman in the song. Great stuff. A

November 22: "Love Story" by Taylor Swift

Can we please stop using Romeo and Juliet as a metaphor for love, unless the actual interpretation you're going for is "they rushed into things and both paid the price"? To be fair, she tries to balance it out with another reference to The Scarlet Letter, but that only feels even more disjointed. And to be even fairer, I don't think I was that good at literary analysis at age 19; hell, I don't think I'm that good at it now. I do genuinely like the banjo-heavy production mixed with the poppy hook, showing that Taylor was clearly from the Chicks/Shania school of "add pop without subtracting country" at the time. There's really nothing that memorable about the boy-meets-girl narrative, making it feel like a step down from the cleverness of songs such as "Tim McGraw" or "Our Song." Overall, it's not really good or bad, just kind of forgettable. C+

December 6: "Chicken Fried" by Zac Brown Band

Just from the sound alone, I knew these guys had something special. Acoustic and organic at a time when it wasn't popular, and even risking a few stretches of a cappella for good measure, the arrangement alone makes this song. Admittedly, the lyrics aren't much when you actually bother to listen to them -- the chorus is a list of random unconnected things, and the verses touch on Southern stereotypes like sweet tea and America -- but there are flashes of something different here. In particular, I really dig the line "there's no dollar sign on peace of mind." I honestly didn't expect this to be nearly a tenth the hit it was, especially because I was one of the few people not to actually hear the far less remarkable Lost Trailers version before it got pulled from radio. I certainly didn't expect it to be one of the biggest hits of the entire decade (nine times platinum) and the start of an interesting career. It's not a fantastic song, but I'd say the pluses out weigh the minuses here enough for me to say its legacy is at least somewhat justifiable. B

December 20: "Roll with Me" by Montgomery Gentry

Just like "Roll with Me," MG are doing a great job taking stock of their lives. I never had trouble following the hook "maybe it's time to be livin' a rhyme / when I'm singin' a song about nothin' but right," as clunky as it may look typed out. It's nice to hear a lyric about settling down, and how the motivation to do so is the transience of life after witnessing one taken away prematurely -- a lyric that hits all the harder after the death of Troy Gentry. The production is gentle and relaxed, and it's a bit more harmonious than usual thanks to Five for Fighting joining in on the vocals. (And in a way, it does feel like a pleasant complement to his own "100 Years.") And if you want to live your best life, why not have someone to share it with? It's a shame this one (and their career) fizzled out so quickly, because they were really on a roll. A