Showing posts with label Jordan Davis. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jordan Davis. Show all posts
Apr 27, 2023
Jan 31, 2023
Jan 23, 2023
Jan 20, 2023
Nov 9, 2022
Nov 2, 2022
The Current Poop of Mainstream Country Radio: November 2022
A poop emoji is negative, a strike thru is positive. Total score below the chart.
Chart info from Mediabase/Country Aircheck.
Oct 25, 2022
Jun 10, 2022
Mar 17, 2022
Top 10 Traits for Getting a Country Record Deal 2022
10. A built in audience of TikTok fans you duped into thinking you were talented
9. A gym membership
8. Generic, character-free male country voice
7. Willingness to be an opening act forever (females)
6. Willingness to be a headliner with your own bus right out of the gate (males)
5. Ability to politely say nothing with many words, when asked about a serious topic in an interview
4. Strong knowledge of hair care techniques, including advanced shampoo and condition, heat protection, volumizer, mousse, and shine serum
3. Have large or new family and only talk about them ever and nothing else
2. Musical inspirations must include at least 3 of the following: 21 Pilots, John Mayer, Lil Wayne, Drake, Ariana Grande, Sugar Ray, Kanye, Keith Urban, Imagine Dragons, Taylor Swift (pop era).
1. Be boring as dry dog shit
Feb 8, 2022
Jan 21, 2022
Pop Country Star Crashes Wedding Reception to Sing Latest Hit; Thrown Out
Unfortunately, the couple had no idea who he was and had him violently removed from the reception hall as he attempted to finish the first verse. Dallas’ manager had apparently not communicated with the couple of the plan to record a viral video of the song at their wedding celebration and they were not amused.
“I thought everybody liked three minute, positive, not-very-country, mid-tempo love songs and mine’s been verrrry popular so I thought surely they were fans,” said a distraught and bleeding Jordan. “I asked my manager if he had set it up ahead of time and he just told me ’Don’t worry, it’ll be great! Everybody loves you!’.”
The couple did not love him. “I still don’t know who the hell that is,” said the exasperated groom, Jerry Pickens. “He just busted in here when the DJ was about to play Etta James’ “At Last” for our first dance, and he started warbling his goofy pop song. As soon as he hit the words ‘truck’ and ‘baby’ I went into action.” Pickens himself grabbed Jordan by his collar and slung him off the makeshift stage at the Pelham Bay reception venue.
Said the bride, Tara, “Our whole playlist after Etta was outlaw country, soul music, and red dirt, so I don’t think his management did its research.”
Jordan described his exit from the function as “impolite, harsh, and definitely not pushin’ P,” whatever that means. The singer was unceremoniously dragged into the parking lot by the groomsmen, doused with champagne and thrown into a dumpster.
“Get that pop country bullshit outta here,” yelled Jerry toward the dumpster as the limo pulled away for the couple’s honeymoon.
At press time, Dallas Jordan was scheduled to embark upon his first headlining tour despite 99.734% of the nation having never heard of him.
Aug 13, 2021
Bearded Poser Can’t Decide Whether to Move to Nashville or Austin
While skilled at writing in none of his options, Reynolds possesses a slightly above average voice and, most importantly, a spectacular beard. The 6’2” former college badminton star, after finding no path to pursuing the sport professionally, picked up an acoustic guitar and learned Snow Patrol’s “Chasing Cars” and was smitten.
Bankrolled by his parents’ eight figure net worth, Reynolds began formulating his plan to become an artist a star in whatever style of music would have him.
“I’ll only have to adapt my look to fit in, err, I mean look the part of either a country singer or an Americana singer. You know, either go sleek and stylish with the beard, or look like I just came down out of the mountains with half an elk on my back.” laughed Reynolds. “Pretty much the same for my fashion choices.”
When asked if he was studying the different styles of music to see where his writing style most organically fit, Reynolds answered “Let’s see. Would I rather rub elbows with Jordan Davis and Sam Hunt, or Cody Jinks and Tyler Childers? Makes you think, y’know.”
“Oh yeah, writing,” he continued. “Either write about trucks used for fun or trucks used for work; no big deal. And the women are either wearing shorts and have their feet on the dash or are sad and working in a Tulsa cafe. It’s pretty simple stuff.”
At press time, Louis Reynolds was trying on stupid hats and checking horribly overpriced apartment listings in trendy parts of Austin and Nashville.
Jul 8, 2021
Harold and Kumar Country Reaction Gifs
*lots of drugs and bad words*
Guys, why are you binging Spade Cooley YouTube documentaries and mainlining Little Debbies at 4 am?
You're over 40 and went to a 3 day bluegrass festival?
When the house music at the Taco Barn is mainstream country
Every time I look at the country charts and see names like Matt Stell and Jordan Davis
When the patient says they got hurt at a Luke Bryan concert
When you get back from the Levitate Festival seeing Billy Strings
How you digging that new Flatland Cavalry album?
May 17, 2021
Jan 21, 2021
Ted Lasso Country Reaction Gifs
When one bad pop-country artist has a hit with the least country song ever, the next bad pop-country artist is like...
Oh, did I get Russell Swindell mixed up with Jordan Rice?
Some people think Sam Hunt is country and...
(they're all wrong)
Wanna hear a song from a guy who a major paper describes as the next emo-rap country star?
Me after getting in a Twitter spat with Blake Shelton
When the car beside you is blasting Kane Brown
When some Aaron Lee Tasjan comes on
When Shooter Jennings sees his manager for the first time in a while
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