Jan 17, 2023
Jan 9, 2023
Nov 11, 2022
A recent album from roots rock band Gadsden Four has barely moved 100 copies since its release in March despite a strong marketing campaign from its indie label. We Go All, a 10-track treatise on all manner of cockamamie conspiracy theories, has gone mostly unnoticed despite speaking to a passionate segment of society.
We Go All, released March 11th, is a surprisingly listenable mix of folk-rock and country tunes until you pay attention to the lyrics. Songs about infant harvesting, JFK Jr’s faked death, woke commie satan worshippers, mind-controlling energy drinks, and President Biden’s secret slave trading ring speak to the bat-shit-crazy fringe who find Hank Williams Jr. too liberal.
While no evidence of shadow banning the promotion of the album or band exists, Gadsden Four have found no foothold in the Americana genre whatsoever, failing to land even one booking to play at a reputable venue. “We played a Klan barbecue down near Mobile and a Citizen’s Council cakewalk in Mississippi, but we can’t get any bars to let us play,” said bassist Lynn “Hurricane” Hodges. “They say we’re too ‘controversial’ and ‘not for public consumption’ and ‘in need of a stay at the state mental hospital’ but we don’t let the haters slow us down.”
Huddleston says he hopes Elon Musk’s recent purchase of Twitter brings brighter days for the band and their “political movement.” “I need America to know about reggaeton-and-rape-addicted immigrants swarming our borders and the lizard people bringing about the enslavement of the world population and the purple goblins who live in my shed and tell me all their prophecies when I huff degreaser,” yelled the worked up vocalist.
At press time, the band was performing as a two-piece at a Proud Boys wine mixer due to the bassist and drummer being in jail on stalking and arson charges.
We Go All track listing:
1. Red Pills and Whiskey
2. Save the Kids
3. The Second Storm
4. Dallas in the Meantime
5. It’s Not Crazy If You Believe It
6. Wake Up!
7. Blue Haired Girl
8. Kanye Was Right
10. They Stole Are Land [sic]
I intentionally did no research into Q-Anon’s beliefs beyond what I already knew from news reports and instead just made up a bunch of stuff so anybody who believes any of that crap would get triggered.
Nov 1, 2022
Oct 26, 2022
Oct 18, 2022
Sep 16, 2022
“We simply can’t have all these catchy, vibe-filled, vaguely country songs glorifying using these beasts for ‘fun’ when they are literally responsible for Donald Trump, I mean, pollution.” said Newsom in a prepared statement for the press. “Therefore, we are directing record labels not to promote songs about feet on a dashboard, or having CIS white sex under the stars in a truck bed, or mudding in a pasture with a beer in the cupholder without letting the listener know that the vehicle is an EV.”
He went on to lament the irresponsibility of Nashville in idolizing such vehicular monstrosities. “I listened to Cali Country Y102 today for an hour, and literally every song had a truck in it,” Newsom continued. “Just think of the good we could do if all 15 of those songs replaced ‘F-150’ or ‘Silverado’ with ‘Lightning’ or ‘Endurance;’ every mullet-headed white boy in community college would suddenly think it was cool that Morgan Wallen got busy in a Rivian, or whatever.”
Free speech advocates have threatened legal action following the executive order. “While we also cringe at songs with dudes talk-singing in a southern accent about cruising for women in their squatted 70,000 dollar pickup trucks their dad bought them, this is certainly unconstitutional grounds the governor is walking on,” said Jenni Perkins, a spokesperson for the ACLU. “We will be strange bedfellows with the republican bros for once, it appears. Yee Yee!, or whatever they say.”
California will be leading the nation in this effort, in hopes of removing garbage from both the environment and the airwaves.
At press time, many conservative California country fans agreed with the order, but they’d be damned before they ever admitted it.
Aug 10, 2022
Jul 25, 2022
May 24, 2022
Apr 20, 2022
My Cis-Het Male Parental Unit Doesn’t Speak to a Non-existent Deity Anymore - Chris Stapleton
Dinosaur - Hank Jr.
Waylon on My Willie - Tyler Childers
Elder Bohemian - The Bellamy Brothers
Caucasian-Tonk Person - Dwight Yoakam
I’m Gonna Hire a Person Who Uses Alcohol Unhealthily to Decorate Our Home - David Frizzell
Mt. & Mm. Used to Be - Ernest Tubb / Loretta Lynn
You Misspeak - Reba
(I’m a) Stand by My Person Person - Ronnie Milsap
Romany - Merle Haggard
Consensually Given Physical Pleasure by a Rural Cis Male - Wheeler Walker Jr.
Privileged, Young, Uneducated, Sex Enjoyer - Cross Canadian Ragweed
Apr 13, 2022
Folsom Carceral Unit Depressive Disorder - Johnny Cash
Deity Take the Wheel - Carrie Underwood
Migrant Agricultural Worker from Muskogee - Merle Haggard
Feathered Indigenous Americans - Tyler Childers
Intellectually Disabled CIS Young Woman - Keith Urban
Rhinestone Ranchhand - Glen Campbell
Kaw - Liga - Hank Williams
Louisiana Cisgender Woman, Mississippi Cisgender Man - Conway Twitty & Loretta Lynn
You’re the Reason Our Offspring are Aesthetically Challenged - Conway & Loretta
War Dissenters and Cowpersons - Cody Jinks
Penis in Former Confederate States - Hank III
If You See Them, If You See Them - Reba
Xe Don’t Know Xe’s Attractive - Sammy Kershaw
Apr 6, 2022
Birthing Person, My Partner is Mentally Ill - The Judds
Wichita Lineperson - Glen Campbell
C-O-N-S-C-I-O-U-S U-N-C-O-U-P-L-I-N-G - Tammy Wynette
Quing of the Road - Roger Miller
Good Hearted Adult - Waylon Jennings
Caucasian Tonkin’ - Hank Williams
Xe Stopped Loving Xir Today - George Jones
Seven Latinx Angels - Willie Nelson, Ray Charles
Parent Tried - Merle Haggard
Native American Person Impacted by the Justice System - Tim McGraw
If the Afterlife Isn’t a Lot Like the Southeastern United States - Hank Jr.
I Am a Person of Constant Sorrow - The Soggy Bottom Boys
Folically Blessed Rural Resident - David Allan Coe
You Ain’t Womxn Enough - Loretta Lynn
Gestational Parents, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowpersons - Waylon & Willie
Mar 11, 2022
With gas prices hitting an average over $4.25 a gallon nationally, struggling independent country and roots rock band The Whiskey Hawks reckons they’ll just buy an electric van now.
The Whiskey Hawks, who have made a profit of $631.09 doing spotty tours over the last two pandemic stricken years, expect to pool their individual savings, kids’ college accounts, and the tips drummer Gus makes at the BBQ restaurant, and will only have five-thousand or so left to go. They plan to start a Go Fund Me to make up that difference.
“It’s surely a sound investment; I’m thankful these wealthy famous folks who live in metropolitan areas where it’s easy to walk or take a subway let me know these great tips on saving money!” laughed bassist James Squier. “Don’t get me wrong, we definitely support Ukraine, despite the fact that you sense that we may be being facetious about buying a van, but let me assure you we are not.”
Russia’s invasion of Ukraine has sent oil prices soaring in recent days, never mind that they were already soaring before that. Some analysts remind us that gas prices this high preceded the so-called Great Recession a few years back, but The Whiskey Hawks just laugh off all the doom-saying.
“Shiittt, I can’t wait to plug that bad boy in and drive for three hours then plug that bad boy in then drive for three more hours, then plug that bad boy in, then get to Nashville to play for beer and $500,” smiled guitarist Steve Hobert. “It’s definitely our place to suffer for the government and oil companies’ greed and failure to have the resources and system in place to avoid such economic calamities.”
At press time, the guys were deciding which of them were healthy enough to sell plasma.
Mar 7, 2022
Feb 18, 2022
Hello, longtime follow. I know we have generally gotten along for years on this godforsaken social media network. I know we haven’t actually discussed politics, even though I think I know yours and I KNOW you know mine. I know we both love country and Americana music and don’t care for pop-country and that we could probably share a beer and have a nice time.
HOWEVER…. I saw who you really are yesterday and for that I must bid adieu.
You’ve rarely mentioned Donald Trump, despite (I assume) being a conservative. You’ve never made any overtly racist, homophobic, transphobic, or sexist Tweets that I can recall. You don’t even follow Jordan Peterson or Don Jr. (I actually do, so I can be angry all the time).
BUT…. It’s clear what you feel in your heart of hearts.
When you tweeted “I’m not a fan of either guy, but that new Ernest & Morgan Wallen song is surprisingly good and surprisingly country,” it became clear to me that I was following a vile racist. You may not have said as much, and may never have said as much in the 4 years and 10 months I have followed you, and may have never uttered a single racist word, joke, or thought in your entire life, but there is no doubt in my mind that your hatred for black people is incompatible with my de haut en bas morality.
The entire weight of 400 years of servitude, imprisonment, discrimination, othering, red-lining, and dismissal fell upon my shoulders as I read those 21 words from your repugnant mind. I was literally weeping and shaking, knowing my internet acquaintance had betrayed my trust and the trust of 80 million+ Americans.
That you even clicked ‘play’ on a song that included MoreKlan Wallen was one thing. That you were able to overcome the bile rising in your throat and the sense of performative rage creeping into your mind to dare utter that you found the song “surprisingly good” is a testament to your inhumanity.
I know you’ve shared memes making fun of Wallen. I know you spoke ill of Wallen when the “n-word” video came out, but this dark world calls for action, not words. Your words leave you on the side of David Duke, Scott Baio, Nathan Bedford Forrest, and Kid Rock. Just because your ears and mind find something pleasurable doesn’t mean you have to allow yourself to like it, much less announce that to society. I pray you find your way back to the correct side of history.