Showing posts with label Trucks. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Trucks. Show all posts

Jul 11, 2023

Countin' Trucks

Here's the uncensored version; I just didn't want it showing up on the Facebook preview.

Sep 16, 2022

California to Ban Country Songs about Gas Powered Trucks by 2024

Governor Gavin Newsom today announced that he will aggressively move the state away from its enjoyment of pop-country songs about gas-fueled pickup trucks. He issued an executive order requiring all new pop-country songs about vehicles, especially trucks, to explicitly mention that they are zero emission after 2024. 

The entertainment industry (including music) is responsible for more than 7% of all of California’s carbon pollution, all while jacked-up, coal rolling, nut-swinging pickup trucks continue to spew toxicity into the atmosphere. 

“We simply can’t have all these catchy, vibe-filled, vaguely country songs glorifying using these beasts for ‘fun’ when they are literally responsible for Donald Trump, I mean, pollution.” said Newsom in a prepared statement for the press. “Therefore, we are directing record labels not to promote songs about feet on a dashboard, or having CIS white sex under the stars in a truck bed, or mudding in a pasture with a beer in the cupholder without letting the listener know that the vehicle is an EV.”

He went on to lament the irresponsibility of Nashville in idolizing such vehicular monstrosities. “I listened to Cali Country Y102 today for an hour, and literally every song had a truck in it,” Newsom continued. “Just think of the good we could do if all 15 of those songs replaced ‘F-150’ or ‘Silverado’ with ‘Lightning’ or ‘Endurance;’ every mullet-headed white boy in community college would suddenly think it was cool that Morgan Wallen got busy in a Rivian, or whatever.”

Free speech advocates have threatened legal action following the executive order. “While we also cringe at songs with dudes talk-singing in a southern accent about cruising for women in their squatted 70,000 dollar pickup trucks their dad bought them, this is certainly unconstitutional grounds the governor is walking on,” said Jenni Perkins, a spokesperson for the ACLU. “We will be strange bedfellows with the republican bros for once, it appears. Yee Yee!, or whatever they say.” 

California will be leading the nation in this effort, in hopes of removing garbage from both the environment and the airwaves. 

At press time, many conservative California country fans agreed with the order, but they’d be damned before they ever admitted it. 

Aug 19, 2021

Top 10 Things Morgan Wallen Fans are Also Fans Of


10. Cutting across three lanes on the interstate in their Carolina squatted pickup truck so they don’t miss their exit for the vape shop

9. Business in front, party in the back

8. Complaining about the health dangers of wearing a mask while vaping and downing their 6th White Claw

7. Saying that word around their friends and cutting their eyes at the mixed race guy to see if he’s mad

6. Screaming profanities at their boyfriend in his Carolina squatted pickup truck in the parking lot beside Sonic on Friday nights

5. Calling people who don’t like Morgan’s music libtards

4. “Collecting” copper wiring

3. Hunting out of season

2. Acting indignant that rappers can say that word even though that’s all they’ve been listening to in their Carolina squatted pickup truck

1. Pretending they were Morgan Wallen fans before February 2021

Aug 13, 2021

Bearded Poser Can’t Decide Whether to Move to Nashville or Austin

Bearded poser Louis Reynolds has a decision to make. The burgeoning Americana and/or folk and/or pop-country songwriter is weighing the positives and negatives of cities to move to and genres to shoehorn himself into. 

While skilled at writing in none of his options, Reynolds possesses a slightly above average voice and, most importantly, a spectacular beard. The 6’2” former college badminton star, after finding no path to pursuing the sport professionally, picked up an acoustic guitar and learned Snow Patrol’s “Chasing Cars” and was smitten. 

Bankrolled by his parents’ eight figure net worth, Reynolds began formulating his plan to become an artist a star in whatever style of music would have him. 

“I’ll only have to adapt my look to fit in, err, I mean look the part of either a country singer or an Americana singer. You know, either go sleek and stylish with the beard, or look like I just came down out of the mountains with half an elk on my back.” laughed Reynolds. “Pretty much the same for my fashion choices.” 

When asked if he was studying the different styles of music to see where his writing style most organically fit, Reynolds answered “Let’s see. Would I rather rub elbows with Jordan Davis and Sam Hunt, or Cody Jinks and Tyler Childers? Makes you think, y’know.”

“Oh yeah, writing,” he continued. “Either write about trucks used for fun or trucks used for work; no big deal. And the women are either wearing shorts and have their feet on the dash or are sad and working in a Tulsa cafe. It’s pretty simple stuff.” 

At press time, Louis Reynolds was trying on stupid hats and checking horribly overpriced apartment listings in trendy parts of Austin and Nashville.

Jul 30, 2021

Anti-Capitalist Country Singer Dismayed by Lack of Airplay

YouTube country sensation Dexter Youngblood keeps hitting a glass ceiling. According to the singer of “My Big Ol’ Truck,” country radio refuses to play the song, which has amassed 1.3 million plays on the video site. “I know it seems hypocritical to seek fortune for my hard work, but capitalism is compulsory at this point in history in America, so why not attempt to spread my message?” asked the Oregon native. 

The song, a modern sounding pop-country anthem complete with snap beats and talk-singing, promotes a community based enjoyment of his ’22 Ford F-150 Lightning for partying, trips to ‘parades,’ and helping out ‘people like us.’ While innocent on the surface, there are mentions of the color red, stars, and hammers that let you know Youngblood is adept at symbolism.

“Frankly, it’s a non-starter.” said industry insider Jova Marks. “While the song is innocuous enough and it bangs and slaps and whatnot, mainstream country now is as much based on image and personality, so a little digging by country fans who are predominantly conservative, would end Youngblood’s career before it gets off the ground.”

A press release sent to Farce the Music from Youngblood’s PR stated that his debut album For the Common Good is set for release in November. It will include songs with such titles as “We Can End It, Girl,” “Can I Smash (Capitalism),” “Burn Down My Hometown,” and a cover of Drive-by Truckers’ “Ramon Casiano.” 

The album will not be free, despite Youngblood’s close-held belief system. “My parents cut off my allowance because of a little drug issue I had, and I don’t want to lose my second house, so yeah, I’m participating in capitalism …but it’s a necessary evil for now,” he said, brushing a white powder off the sleeve of his Che Guevara t-shirt. 

At press time, Youngblood told us “I really don’t know why radio won’t play my music, but I bet its because I’m asexual.”

Sep 7, 2018

Fake News Classics: One Truck Still Doesn't Have a Country Song Written About It

One of Brenda's more fortunate classmates

Originally posted on Country California, Wednesday, July 23, 2014

A single 1974 Dodge Club Cab pickup in Oak Vale, Mississippi, has somehow escaped the gaze and thoughtful tune-smithing of country music songwriters. The sky blue four-speed vehicle resting beneath the spreading boughs of a 61-year-old magnolia tree to the side of retired farmer Clyde Henderson's modest home has never once been the lyrical setting of a tailgate party, mudding adventure, or late night tryst. 

Henderson says he feels bad for "Brenda" (his affectionate name for the Dodge) because even though she has taken part in such activities as circling up for a party, carrying wood for a bonfire, rolling over in a ditch on a tight curve, cranking ol' Hank, and other country music tropes, not so much as a chorus has ever memorialized her in song. "I think it hurts her - yeah, I think she has feelings - to hear literally every other pickup truck in America get its own few minutes of fame on country radio," said a downcast Henderson. 

These days, Brenda spends much of her time taking Clyde to his morning breakfast club or hauling the occasional load of firewood, her hard-partying glory days only documented in the dings, scrapes, and squeaks on the old Club Cab. "Don't tell Lena [Clyde's wife of 42 years] I said this, but our first kid was made in that ol' truck one night down by Jeff Davis Lake, while fireflies danced and Ray Price sang on those crackling speakers," recalled Henderson. "Hell, that's a platinum Jason Aldean single just waiting to happen." 

Other marketable, high-country-cred events in Brenda's past that have inexplicably been overlooked by Nashville's finest include: hauling ass down River Road with a stolen case of High Life in the bed, getting stuck in a soybean field on purpose, playing host to a tailgate striptease by Lena (don't tell her we said that), flying a rebel flag, taking Clyde and a friend to a Bocephus concert, and more. 

At press time, 64 Music Row songwriters were wondering why their GPS couldn't locate Oak Vale. 

May 31, 2017

A New Summer Smash Hit

Just Like We Did Last Summer
©2017 FTM Satire

Baby here we go again
A summer song for your and your friends
June, July and August heat
It's the same damn song with a different beat
Ice cold beers and happy tears
Cause swimsuit styles show more ass this year
Pour up drinks till the world's a blur
And crank whatever rapper's popular

Just like we did last summer
Dumb ass music and weak rum runners
You got pirate booty and I wanna plunder
No it ain't legal, but you got my number
Beaches, buds, and backseat hummers
Just like we did last summer

Honey, here's where I hip-hop talk
Even though I'm as white as chalk
Let's skinny dip, get a tan
Then dance by some trucks the way you can
If booty's wrong I'm a sinner
So turn it around like a fidget spinner
Auto-tune this familiar line
Pass around a jar of store bought shine

Just like we did last summer
Pickup trucks, Jeeps, and Forerunners
Country boys booming that bass like thunder
If the cops show up it'll be a bummer
Beaches, buds, and backseat hummers
Just like we did last summer

This part's where we slow it down and get a little romantic
Girl you save me from myself, moonlight, blah blah enchanted
You be the housewife, I'll be the plumber...

Just like we did last summer
Dumb ass music and weak rum runners
You got pirate booty and I wanna plunder
No it ain't legal, but you got my number
Beaches, buds, and backseat hummers
Just like we did last summer

Jun 10, 2016

The Truth About Country Pasture Parties in 2016

2016 Country Throwdown
(Drunk People Looking at Their Phones)
©2016 Farce the Music Satires

I've seen all those videos
Booty shaking girls and bros
All dancing around a big ol' bonfire
That's something I would like to see
And Billy Dukes invited me
So I put gravel underneath my tires

Got out past the county line
Dreaming of hotties and shine
Cold ones loaded in a Yeti I just bought
Followed that big cloud of dust
Crossed the ditch and there I was
Ready to throw down and this is what I saw

Drunk people looking at their phones
Drunk people looking at their phones
Buncha Country Outfitter clones
One guy cranking a Yeezy song
and drunk people looking at their phones

Girls weren't shaking what they had
Just tapping screens and looking mad
No keg stands, nobody kicking up their boots
Bros weren't fighting, causing scenes
Just sharing "crying Jordan" memes
Shook my head thinkin' "Is this what's it's all come to?"

Drunk people looking at their phones
Drunk people looking at their phones
Circle of trucks with their shining chrome
One guy cranking a 2 Chainz song
and drunk people looking at their phones

I need a word with Mr. Luke Bryan
and I guess Florida-Georgia's lyin'
Cause all I see is

Drunk people looking at their phones
Drunk people looking at their phones
No skinny dipping, no punches thrown
Just one guy cranking a Sam Hunt song
and drunk people looking at their phones


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