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Top 10 Ways to Become an Americana Singer

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10. Have a moderately popular rock, hardcore, or punk band in your 20s then turn 30

09. Move to East Nashville; stop bathing

08. Stand in front of mirror and say “I ain’t no part of nothin’”

07. Quit heroin

06. Be the offspring of a country music or folk legend

05. Be born named Colt, Colter, Cody, or Zach

04. Drink the water in Kentucky, apparently

03. Be either a hater of all political views or an outspoken lefty, there is no in-between

02. Be a Townes Van Zandt fan who majored in poetry and knows how to play a few chords; get fired from your job at one of the following: train depot / co-op / ranch / hardware store / horse farm.

01. Get face and/or neck and/or knuckle tattoos

Innovative Americana Singer Writes Song About Rural Melancholia

Up and coming Americana singer/songwriter Louis Reynolds is ready to level up in a big way. The Austin newcomer will drop his debut single “Dust on the Silo” next Friday and is anticipating a massive response. The reason for this optimism? “Dust on the Silo” breaks new ground in the sometimes stodgy and predictable genre with its sorrowful tale of rural melancholia, a subject he says is untouched by the rest of Americana and roots rocks’ stalwarts. 

“Sturgill Samson [sic] isn’t going to know what hit him,” laughed the tall, handsome former badminton star. “The ‘elites’ of Americana music are all writing about turtles and Jesus and horses, but they don’t really get what the common man is going through. The turnip farmers and train drivers of America need their stories heard and I’m here to tell them!”

The song, a 3 minute and 23 second, mid-tempo, Lumineers-esque anthem, digs into the financial and emotional hardships of an Arkansas turnip farmer enduring a severe drought. While sketchy on detail accuracy and mediocre with the guitar work, Reynolds manages to squeeze a great deal of grit and passion from his slightly above average voice, making “Dust on the Silo” a definite single to be heard by people with ears. 

“Authenticity is so important in this style of music,” smiled Reynolds, sipping a whiskey sour on the balcony of his East Austin apartment. “I want my fans to know that I feel what they’re going through; I’ve read all about the coal miners on Oxyclean pills and truck drivers crying in a Love’s parking lot. This shit is real!”

At press time, Reynolds was getting his beard trimmed at a hip barber shop for the single photo shoot, while sipping a pour over coffee.

Tuesday Morning Memes: Merle Haggard, Shooter Jennings, Walker Hayes

 

Fiddle & Steel Band Not Sure What Genre They Are

A new band out of Alabama, Ohatchee, is facing a difficult question as they navigate the terrain of the touring band life. When booking shows, which they still do without management, they are often met with the question: What genre are you? The band has no idea. 

“We play the good kind of music,” laughed twangy lead singer/guitarist Hap Lorring. “Anyway that’s what an annoying positive fan of the band always comments online and I think it’s dopey as hell, but then again, I don’t know what genre we are.”

The quintet features a steel guitarist, fiddle player, drummer, bassist, and lead guitarist/vocalist and play what might be described as “a mixture of ballads and dance tunes of a sort of music originating in the rural southern US,” but that’s more than a mouthful to tell club owners and event planners. 

Some fans of Ohatchee have called the group “Americana,” but the guys aren’t even sure what that is. “Isn’t that just an adjective to describe those roadside attractions like ‘World’s Longest CVS Receipt’ or ‘Largest Ball of Chewed Up Gum in Nebraska?’” 

“We’re not folk either,” said Lorring. “I listened to some popular folk songs on Spotify, and we don’t clap and sing ‘ohhhh’ that often. I’m really at a loss here.”

“My grandfather said ‘Boy, ya’ll are just good ol’ country music’,” said lead songwriter and bassist Chad Logan. “But he’s senile. I listened to country radio and we don’t even have a rapper in the band so we must not be country.” Logan went on to say that Ohatchee doesn’t employ a DJ and doesn’t write songs about picking up a girl in a bar and driving out to the country with her to make love in a sixty-thousand dollar pickup truck. They also lack programmed beats, six pack abs, and mediocrity, so nope, not country.

Whatever the hell they are, Ohatchee rolls on to play the Kudzu and Possum Festival in Winona, MS this weekend. 

The Road Less Traveled

Bearded Poser Can’t Decide Whether to Move to Nashville or Austin

Bearded poser Louis Reynolds has a decision to make. The burgeoning Americana and/or folk and/or pop-country songwriter is weighing the positives and negatives of cities to move to and genres to shoehorn himself into. 

While skilled at writing in none of his options, Reynolds possesses a slightly above average voice and, most importantly, a spectacular beard. The 6’2” former college badminton star, after finding no path to pursuing the sport professionally, picked up an acoustic guitar and learned Snow Patrol’s “Chasing Cars” and was smitten. 

Bankrolled by his parents’ eight figure net worth, Reynolds began formulating his plan to become an artist a star in whatever style of music would have him. 

“I’ll only have to adapt my look to fit in, err, I mean look the part of either a country singer or an Americana singer. You know, either go sleek and stylish with the beard, or look like I just came down out of the mountains with half an elk on my back.” laughed Reynolds. “Pretty much the same for my fashion choices.” 

When asked if he was studying the different styles of music to see where his writing style most organically fit, Reynolds answered “Let’s see. Would I rather rub elbows with Jordan Davis and Sam Hunt, or Cody Jinks and Tyler Childers? Makes you think, y’know.”

“Oh yeah, writing,” he continued. “Either write about trucks used for fun or trucks used for work; no big deal. And the women are either wearing shorts and have their feet on the dash or are sad and working in a Tulsa cafe. It’s pretty simple stuff.” 

At press time, Louis Reynolds was trying on stupid hats and checking horribly overpriced apartment listings in trendy parts of Austin and Nashville.

Country Songs Backward

Man Unable to Grow Beard Kicked Out of Americana Band

Matt Sandifer, former bassist of Americana band Farmer Union, says he was recently given the pink slip for a peculiar reason.

“My beard is patchy.” said a despondent Sandifer. “I can’t help my damn genetics.”

Sandifer told us that no complaints were ever made about his ability to keep the bottom steady in the band’s songs about unions, farms, William Gay novels, Donald Trump, and kudzu. His appearance and hygiene, besides the follicular challenge, were never an issue either.

“I took my monthly shower like the rest of them,” he explained. “And my clothes all came from the Salvation Army store in whatever town we’d played, along with t-shirts from bands who opened for us.” He also told us there were no issues with his politics.

“I’m a card carrying member of Antifa and attended all the same meetings they did.” he said. “And I took a photo of my voting ballot so that they could see I voted blue or green all the way down.”

He went on to say that though Farmer Union never gave him a formal reason for the release, he’s certain it’s because the “other three dudes look like they just walked out of the woods with an axe and a blue ox.” “I’ve tried everything, oils, lotions, massages, testosterone therapy… nothing worked.” said Matt. “The best I could do was a sad goatee, a busted mustache and weird patches of hair on my cheeks - I looked like a peeping Tom.”

“I thought Americana was supposed to be about substance, and not image …or marching to the beat of what other roots bands do,” said a disgusted Sandifer. “F*** those guys.”

At press time, Farmer Union was smoking weed by a dumpster in Belleville.

More More Monday Memes: The Chicks, Americana, Florida-Georgia Line

Americana Band Actually Doing Better Financially During the Pandemic

Tupelo, Mississippi Americana band Natchez Trace is riding out the Covid-19 pandemic in a shared rental house and doing just fine, thank you. In fact, they say things are actually more profitable for them during these uncertain times.

“I was worried, I’ll be honest.” said bassist Lee Sturgeon. “No tour dates, no merch sales, and even our Spotify streaming royalties are down from $1.54 to $1.34 for some reason.” Despite the lack of income, the band, who has opened for the likes of Aaron Lee Tasjan and Nikki Lane, is living high on the hog during this challenging era. 

“We’ve actually gone 22 straight days without our van breaking down,” said lead singer Vance Upton. “The previous record was 4 hours… so we’re saving a lot of money on vehicle maintenance.” “Also, we haven’t had any gear stolen since last Monday. Usually we’re replacing amps and guitars on a pretty much daily basis.” 

Low overhead isn’t the only thing keeping Natchez Trace afloat. “When those stimulus checks hit the bank accounts, we threw a party,” laughed Sturgeon. “$1200 dollars a piece? Man, that’s like six months driving from town to town, playing for 23 people, and sleeping in a rest stop parking lot.” “We’re rich bitch!” yelled Upton in the background. 

So what is Natchez Trace doing during this downtime? “Video games, beer, Netflix, repeat.” said drummer Matthew Chandler. “We might do a live stream or something one of these days but we’re usually too hung over.” 

At press time, Natchez Trace was drunkly considering continuing to not tour after the pandemic is over.

Americana Singer Dismayed to Find Out He Has a Conservative Fan

Smith Winston lead singer Chance Lipton

Americana singer Chance Lipton, lead vocalist for Smith Winston, is a proud member of the resistance. In fact, his Twitter bio openly states it, reading: “Rise and fight! If you’re a conservative, I don’t value your opinion. Lead singer of Smith Winston. He/Him.”

The reedy 26-year-old tenor has his band on the upswing, with their second album, Drumbeat of Solidarity, due in April, but a recent revelation has him rethinking his career path. “I thought I’d blocked all the mentally deficient baby cagers, but I recently received a Twitter DM that troubled me to the core.” related Lipton. “I’m literally shaking right now.”

Lipton provided us with a screenshot of the upsetting direct message, which reads as follows:

Hey Chance! I’m a big fan of Smith Winston. I’ve kept up with you guys since that EP in 2014. Saw you twice in concert. Anyway, just wanted you to know that you do have some conservative fans out here, despite your bio. I mean, I’m not crazy about Trump, but I’m certainly to the right of you and that’s cool with me. Your music is great and I can separate my beliefs from my enjoyment of art and have an open mind to your message. Take care and keep up the good work!

“My foundations were shaken by this message,” said Lipton. “How could someone who doesn’t have the same level of compassion for the world like my music? I blocked him of course.” 

Chance continued his stream of consciousness self-debate: “Have I written too many basic love songs that even one without the capacity for love could sympathize with? Am I using too little word salad? Do I need to convey more revulsion for the intolerant? Maybe I should just quit if someone with such low intellect and poor opinions has the opinion that my music is something he identifies with.”

Lipton has asked for a short leave of absence from Smith Winston while he works through his issues.

Cajon Player Left in Cape Girardeau

Americana cajon player Jeff Coffee is stranded in Missouri. Formerly (?) with the band Beard Harvest, Coffee was left behind at a rest stop after a show in Cape Girardeau 8 months ago, and to date has not heard from a single member of the band.

From the moment the band’s Econoline pulled away from the Fruitland southbound rest stop on February 25th, Coffee was completely abandoned. “I don’t have any of those guys’ phone numbers,” he frowned. “Not even the bass player…. So I couldn’t call anybody to come back and get me; I just assumed they’d notice by the time they hit the Arkansas line at least.” 

Sadly, the up-and-coming roots rock group’s van never returned. Jeff, for his part, has moved on with his life, starting from scratch in the small river town. “I slept behind the Coke machines that night; damn it was cold,” he related. “But by the end of the next day I already had a job at the quick stop and a cot behind the beer cave.” 

Coffee has since put his college degree in education to use, getting a job as a music teacher at the middle school, and is even dating. “I know - it’s a bizarre story - one of the key members of a rising band just left in the middle of nowhere and starts a brand new life.” he smiled. When asked if he’s kept up with Beard Harvest in recent months, he just shakes his head solemnly. “I really don’t know how they’ve made it without me, I hope they’re doing well.”

When contacted on their brand new tour bus before the first night of their 3 sold out Ryman performances, Beard Harvest lead singer Conn Whitaker asked “Who?” regarding the cast-off percussionist.  “I didn’t know we had a full time cajon player; we’ve just been getting a random fan to play at shows - it’s not like it’s hard.”

New Americana Singer Searching for Just the Right Stupid Looking Hat

Aramy Turner, an Americana singer from Jackson, TN has spent several days searching for just the right look. He and his band, The Loosies, are about to do the photo shoot for their debut album and Turner is working himself into a tizzy in his quest for “authenticity.”

“I can’t do a cowboy hat because the Texas crowd will eat me alive on social media for not wearing it with just the right crease or something,” he fretted. “And the Texas scene is definitely a market where we want to get a foothold demographically …uh, I mean, them fans is real and shucks, we just want to play ‘em good music!”

Turner tries on a porkpie hat and smiles. “That’s what I’d love to wear, because I’m a hipster from way back, but I know Farce the Music would make fun of me, not that they have quite as much clout since the bro-country era, according to our data… um, I mean, I’m just gonna go a different direction so I look more natural.” said Aramy, giving a little too much away. “And I can’t do a flat cap because I’ve never been in a hardcore band.” 

The Loosies, for their part declined the invitation to shop for headwear with their mouthpiece, settling on trucker caps and fishing hats they already owned, and the label approved. Turner knows that he’ll be a focal point in the promotion though, so he’s struggling to strike that perfect balance between fashion plate and “real hard-working salt-of-the-earth type who just happens to sing songs about loss of train culture and raising the minimum wage.”

“I can’t look like I tried too hard, even though that’s what I’m doing right now,” laughed Turner. “And I also can’t do the Luke Combs thing where it looks like he just pulled out a beer-stained hat that was stuck in some gum under his truck seat.” 

At press time, Turner was working with a haberdasher to custom design a fedora/cowboy hat hybrid that would hide his receding hairline and set off his beard just right.

That's Pretty Harsh

Americana Artist’s Political Song Not Connecting With Audiences

Rising Americana singer Benjamyn Lackey has built quite a following in his short 3 years on the scene. He’s traversed the US to adoring crowds, opening for the likes of Sturgill Simpson and Cody Jinks. His debut album showed up on the top 10 of several year end lists in 2016. He’s even been acclaimed by stars like Vince Vaughn and (AEW wrestler) Cody Rhodes on social media, but Lackey’s teaser single for his forthcoming sophomore album Hens in the Roadpath is meeting with a deafening silence.

The tune, a stripped-down acoustic and drum folk tune entitled “If You’re Republican, Don’t Be My Fan,” has only been streamed 1024 times on Spotify in its 2 months of release. The song’s reception in concert has been similarly subdued. 

“I know it’ll take time to catch on, but people at shows just kind of look back and forth at each other during the song.” Said Lackey. “Maybe they’re commiserating with one another non-verbally over the craziness of the world these days. I’m sure they all agree with me that Republicans are literally as bad as Pol Pot.”

“If You’re Republican..” Is Benjamyn’s first foray into protest music, and critics have been sharply divided. Rolling Stone Country called it “a brave line in the sand and a masterpiece of modern political music, if a questionable commercial approach.” Helping Country Music devoted 15 paragraphs to describing the song as overwrought. Farce the Music made a couple of non-commital but clever memes about it.

We asked fans about the song after a recent show, and they were a bit more forthcoming deep in the beers. “All his other songs are poetic and well-written; that one sounds like a first year political science major frat boy wrote it after a conservative chick turned him down.” said Jennifer Pulaski, a confirmed liberal. “F**k him!” yelled Phil Baker, a Republican. “His other songs kick ass so I’ll come to his damn shows if I want to; what’s he gonna do? Stand at the door with a voter roll?” The crowd, split about 50/50 across the political divide, was firmly in agreement on the ham-fistedness of the song and said that they looked back and forth at one another during its performance as a communal “wtf is this sh*t?” 

At press time, Lackey’s label was considering replacing “If You’re Republican, Don’t Be My Fan” on the unreleased album’s track-listing with a more fan friendly “Whiskey Dick.”

A sampling of the lyrics of “IYRDBMF” follows. 

The world’s so crazy these days

Everybody’s screaming, throwing hands

But only the left is right

So I’m saying with all my might

If you’re Republican, don’t be my fan

Americana Singer Starter Pack

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Americana Man: A Satire Lyric

Americana Man

(©2018 Farce the Music satire)

My patchy beard is finally filling in

Gained a couple pounds, need another ten

Gotta be chubby not quite fat

Buy myself a pork pie hat

Pretty soon it won't look like I'm playing pretend

Sold the F-150 that daddy bought

Quit the mailroom job that mama got

Grabbed a guitar, learned some chords

Wrote a song about the Lord

And twenty more about prisons, farms, and pot

Americana man

Honest and real as you can stand

Ain't got a story but I got a plan

to be

an Americana man

My uncle's cousin knows a producer dude

Produced a few roots rock who's who's

Just need a few more flannel shirts

I'll be so damn real it hurts

Even though I'd rather be Kane Brown or Luke

Americana man

Honest and real as you can stand

No backstory but I got a plan

to be

an Americana man

Bridge

Hire a fiddle

Hire a steel man

Gonna be lit

Hit you in the feels man

Americana man

Honest and real as you can stand

No backstory but I got a plan

to be

an Americana man