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“We’ve found that teens and men who enjoy this kind of music tend to wear offensively strong smelling body sprays such as Axe, so we’ve trained Buster, our drug-sniffing K9, to identify similar odors.” said K9 Unit Lt. Parker Davis of the Smyrna Police Department. “It’s working like a charm so far.”
The SPD has already shut down 2 Chase Rice concerts, a Chris Janson show, and a couple of other up-and-coming bro-country artists' parties. “There were 25 jacked-up pickup trucks in this cul-de-sac, so we knew something was going on when we followed up on a complaint from neighbors, but the area was completely silent when we started investigating,” said Davis. “Knocks didn’t root anything out, but Buster just smashed through the fence of one yard… you should have seen the wallet chains gleaming in the street lights as they all ran for it.”
Fines were levied, and four open container arrests were made. Similar stories have come in from the Tallahassee, FL area as well. “We taught our dog Hurley to detect body spray and White Claw,” said TPD’s K9 officer Levon Goins. “He’s rooted out 5 different illegal shows. I’ve never seen so many drunk white girls.”
One of the illicit concerts shut down in Tallahassee also led to arrests for crystal meth and prescription drug possession with intent. “That was one of those ‘hick hop’ shows, I think his name was Upshirt, Upchurch, something like that.” laughed Goins.
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Fans were none-the-wiser at the Friday night concert, shouting their approval and throwing up the rock hand sign (a ™ of Gene Simmons Inc. 2017) as the ridiculous looking ballbag pounced around the stage behind his meaty band leader. "Whoooo Smashing Pumpkins!" yelled Evanston native Carly Sitz. "I don't know who that is, but the bassist looks like a total bad ass!"
The v-cut neck of the black shirt bearing a photo of two little girls huddled closely, hung low across the turd's shaven and sculpted chest muscles, revealing an ample display of tacky skull necklaces and moronic tribal tattoos. The 15 year old female fans and their inappropriately dressed mothers ate it up.
Bolan, who's only ever heard one Smashing Pumpkins song because it's played over the arena sound system before shows, pouted and shot fierce looks into the sea of fans, who responded in awe at the posing tool's putrid mohawk-mullet combo and fake biker apparel. The fuckstick never missed a lick as he laid down a groove for hit after bro-country hit, his wallet chain swaying through the strobe lights.
The jerk-off plans to wear a shredded Goo Goo Dolls shirt for the next show in Minneapolis, having idiotically mistaken the Goo Goo Dolls for Minneapolis' Soul Asylum. The asinine choad's equally insipid stylist believes this will somehow grant him 'street cred' from a crowd of teenagers who've never heard of either band.
At press time, Bolan was shining his square-toe boots while listening to Lil Uzi Vert.
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2. You tag along at parties where people discuss politics and pop culture,
3. You dress and behave inappropriately at baby showers and weddings.
4. Things never end well when your friends let you pick the music in the car.
5. You always ruin the group photos.
6. Nobody ever goes with you to concerts, so you drink a lot at shows.
7. While everybody else is drinking wine and craft beer…
8. Your friends are always making fun of your tattoo.
9. But at least you get to enjoy your music in your own ride.