Nov 21, 2023
Jun 23, 2023
Hey you. Yes, you reading this very article as you scurry down the alley to your car from the vape shop. Don’t make any noticeable movements, but there’s a guy following you. Dammit, you looked. Yeah, that guy with the beard and the art gallery on his face.
While your initial reaction to seeing the portly fellow walking faster than a guy that size should walk, ten yards behind you and closing, was that it may be the “Need a Favor” singer, I’m here to tell you that Mr. Roll is currently in the studio recording a guest appearance on a Willie Nelson track, so it’s not him. Move your ass!
He’s getting a bit winded now; you’ve only got 30 more steps to your Altima but now is not the time to lose focus. Screw the second thoughts - I’m telling you it’s not Jason Bradley DeFord, aka Jelly Roll, American multi-genre singer/songwriter who won 3 CMT Awards this year for “Son of a Sinner.” This particular fellow has a hand in the pocket of his hoodie and it’s not to hand you a mix tape.
Oh now, you’re feeling bad for judging someone by their appearance. Sir or ma’am or other, I’m thinking even Jelly Roll - who is an admitted reformed criminal and seems like he’s really made a change for the better - would tell you not to give this guy the benefit of the doubt. Trust your gut.
Shit! He’s caught up. As you look into the tattooed face of your attacker, your fingers attempting to enable the Emergency SOS on your phone you thought was in your pocket, the man reaches out his hand and says “You dropped your phone back there.”
Apr 20, 2023
Mar 3, 2023
Feb 27, 2023
Jun 16, 2021
9. Had a club meeting that night and had to get my hood cleaned; it was a whole thing
8. Biden’s fault; couldn’t afford gas to get there
7. Was busy visiting our nation’s Capital
6. Was reading Hillbilly Elegy and time got away from me
5. Had to work a double shift running the Tilt-a-Whirl
4. Currently residing in state detention facility
3. Hanging out with friends and time got away from me
2. Not possible to stay 100 feet from all the women with restraining orders against me at the same time
1. I got court
May 18, 2021
Jan 29, 2021
“We’ve found that teens and men who enjoy this kind of music tend to wear offensively strong smelling body sprays such as Axe, so we’ve trained Buster, our drug-sniffing K9, to identify similar odors.” said K9 Unit Lt. Parker Davis of the Smyrna Police Department. “It’s working like a charm so far.”
The SPD has already shut down 2 Chase Rice concerts, a Chris Janson show, and a couple of other up-and-coming bro-country artists' parties. “There were 25 jacked-up pickup trucks in this cul-de-sac, so we knew something was going on when we followed up on a complaint from neighbors, but the area was completely silent when we started investigating,” said Davis. “Knocks didn’t root anything out, but Buster just smashed through the fence of one yard… you should have seen the wallet chains gleaming in the street lights as they all ran for it.”
Fines were levied, and four open container arrests were made. Similar stories have come in from the Tallahassee, FL area as well. “We taught our dog Hurley to detect body spray and White Claw,” said TPD’s K9 officer Levon Goins. “He’s rooted out 5 different illegal shows. I’ve never seen so many drunk white girls.”
One of the illicit concerts shut down in Tallahassee also led to arrests for crystal meth and prescription drug possession with intent. “That was one of those ‘hick hop’ shows, I think his name was Upshirt, Upchurch, something like that.” laughed Goins.
Nov 19, 2020
----------10. That selling meth never goes on lockdown or recession
9. As crazy as this year’s been, mom’s okay with you repeating 10th grade again
8. Confederate flag Covid masks
7. That stimulus check bought you a new set of teeth (used)
6. If you never had a job, you can’t lose a job
5. The guy you owed $500 for cock fight gambling debts died of the Rona
4. Lots of time to polish up that mixtape
3. With online prayer meetings, you can finally smoke crack at church
2. That Upchurch still puts out like 15 albums a year
1. That if you’ve had herpes and ringworm at the same time, Covid ain’t shit