That's a New Category

The Crud Report: September '24

The Horror

Still More Tuesday Memes: Kane Brown, Jelly Roll, Jason Aldean

Thanks to Dan in TN for sending me the Kane sign pic!

Concern Growing as Gap Between New Zach Bryan Music Nears 2 Months

“What if he never puts out another song?” asked a distressed Lyndi Partridge in a TikTok video on Wednesday. “I mean, he’s off social media and now this… I don’t know how to experience joy.”

Another fan, @sadassman32x4 Tweeted (Xed?): I’m about to start back drinking if Zach Bryan doesn’t put out some new music soon. And also if he does.

These sentiments seem increasingly common among fans of the Oklahoma-born superstar, as the time since his most recent release nears 2 full months. While in past years most artists would put out one album per year or two, today’s realities demand more constant contact with fans. With streaming royalties being paltry, bands and singers sometimes drop as many as 35+ songs in a year in this new era, and we don’t just mean Ryan Adams.

“I’m bored and sad and vaping more lately, but I’ve been trying out Wyatt Flores in the meantime,” said a Bryan fan we spoke with. “He’s putting out his second album of the year so he must really care about his fans.”

In past years, Zach Bryan was prone to releasing an EP not long after an LP, not long after a single, not long after a maxi-single, not long after a live album, so it’s easy to see why his fans are growing impatient.

“I’ve moved on,” said a recent Facebook comment. “As much as it hurts to say this, I’m a Jelly Roll fan now - he knows that as a 17-25 year old raised on gaming and social media dopamine blasts, I need endless stimulation so he puts out like 3 songs a week. I’ve already forgotten that Jack Bryan dude. Sucks to suck.”

At press time, Zach Bryan had probably just dropped or was about to drop an EP and make this story even more pointless.

Country Twitter Wins: August '24

Taste of Country Rebrands as Taste of Jelly Roll

A popular country music news and lifestyle website is changing its focus and its name. Taste of Country, a Townsquare Media website, will be known as Taste of Jelly Roll starting in September. 

TOS senior editor Billy Dukes announced the rebrand in a press conference featuring the titular pop-country star. “We’re proud to move Taste of Country into a new partnership and a new era,” began Dukes. “With Jelly Roll quickly evolving from rural rapper to omnipresent megastar, and every other story on our page already being about him, we felt it only logical to make this switch.”

Dukes went on to inform the throng of journalism interns forced to cover the event that Jason DeFord (Jelly Roll’s real name) would be brought in not only to guide content about himself, but to write a daily journal for the site. “Whether he’s getting his teeth fixed, delivering a devastating choke slam on WWE, collaborating with every single artist alive, or just hanging out with his wife, Jelly brings clicks and clicks bring money so this is a no-brainer.” said Dukes. 

Mr. DeFord himself spoke glowingly of this new business and entertainment venture. “Their writers were already texting me about 15 times a day to ask what I was doing at that moment, so I figured, why not just put me on staff?” laughed Jelly Roll. DeFord’s appearance was jovial but short, as he had 17 guest vocals to record later that morning. 

Billy Dukes made sure to reassure everyone that sister website The Boot would continue to cover news about Post Malone, MGK, Morgan Wallen, and other artists who pull strong traffic to the purported country music site. “And we’ll still be bringing you the latest in franchise closure news, for whatever reason we do that.” he laughed. 

At press time, Jelly Roll was petting a dog.

New Beavis & Butthead Country Reaction Gifs

When Jelly Roll is on every damn channel at the same time

When a country label head finds out their new tall handsome signee can’t sing

Mr. Farce the Music in his mom’s basement toasting to making another Wallen fan angry online 

When I see one country artist talk shit about another one on Twitter 

Trace Adkins when he’s wondering how she even got them britches on

How people get into Upchurch

Still better than going to a Kane Brown concert

My review of any Chase Matthew song

When Conway sang: 

There’s a devil in my body that I just can’t satisfy 

When the shitty cover band doesn't know any Tom Petty

When somebody calls me a soylibgaytard on Facebook for making fun of Aldean

Out With the Old

"The Classics" Country Reaction Gifs

Old heads seeing Post Malone's collaborators on his "country album"

Me when they start playing Wallen at the pool party

Luke Bryan when he meets his tour openers

Me reading the Facebook comments of people who don't understand memes and love Jason Aldean

When Jelly Roll releases another pop-rock song to country radio

Me calculating whether I need lawn, seats, or pit tickets to Johnny Blue Skies based on my bank account and how much Zyn I'll need to make it to the end of the month

When I had to slow down and see if this dude was really listening to Dan + Shay

Zach Bryan hater after telling a fan every song sounds the same

Jason Isbell after brutally insulting another person with 12 followers

90s kids when they finally figure out that "Strawberry Wine" wasn't about strawberry wine

When somebody starts off "Today's country radio sucks" but ends up with "you should check out Upchurch"

Wednesday Memes: George Jones, Country Radio, Jelly Roll