Showing posts with label Fake News. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Fake News. Show all posts

Apr 12, 2024

Lost 90s Country Song Was Somehow Too Cheesy to Release

A 90s country ballad based on a silly saying from a popular sitcom? In an era marked by movie-catch-phrase song titles, tunes about sentient hearts, and more goofy dance remixes than you could shake it to the right at, this particular one was somehow deemed too cringe. Why is that?

Because it was “Did I Do That?” a phrase made popular by Family Matters character Urkel (played by Jaleel White), a lovable nerd who was often hilariously and disastrously clumsy. Now, that hook might work for an uptempo party song, but this was no “Ain’t Goin’ Down (Till the Sun Comes Up)” or “I Like It, I Love It”; it was a fiddle and steel, cry-in-your-beer heartbreak song.

The tearjerker, written by Craig Wiseman and Gary Loyd was pitched to around 15 different artists, with only 1 cutting the tune. The singer, who can’t be named, but whose name rhymes with Lacey Turd, had hoped to include the song on his 1996 album and release it as a single; they even had single artwork completed. 

That’s when higher ups at MCA stepped in and told him and producers that “Did I Do That?” was just too dopey, even for the 90s (and even for an artist who’d later release the gem, “Ten Rounds With Jose Cuervo”). So the song just went into the vaults never to be heard again.

Even Wiseman, who’d go on to become one of the most successful songwriters and music execs in mainstream country is ashamed of “Did I Do That?” “Where’d you even find out about it?” he laughed. “We must’ve had some good weed in the writers’ room that day… a sad song based on a goofy exclamation from a TV dork… it’s even dumber than (Blake Shelton & Trace Adkins’) “Hillbilly Bone” which I am also quite ashamed to have my name associated with” 

When asked if the song might ever see the light of day, Wiseman said “There were several lyrics based on other absurd quotes from the show… and on the last chorus, (singer) even sang the hook similarly to Urkel’s delivery… so honestly, I hope whatever vault the tapes were in burned down and then flooded and then the debris was dispersed by straight-line winds to the horizon.” 

Wiseman did provide the few following lyrics from the song (to the best of his recollection):

My little sweet potato

With eyes so sad and blue

Baby I’ve got to know

If I’m the one that did that to you

My perfect baby cakes

Laura, why did you go?

Was it my mistakes

That got you feelin’ so low

(Part of chorus)

Did I do that?

Break your heart too many times

You ain’t comin’ back

And all the fault is mine”

Apr 2, 2024

Fake News Classic: Jason Aldean Is Finally Happy, Really He Is

Originally posted on Country California, September 25, 2014

Jason Aldean is finally living a fulfilled and joyous life and will assault you viciously if you don't like it, according to a recent interview with the popular Face the Country blog. Though most of the questions asked were softballs, Aldean managed to insert his aggressively petulant views on life, music, and privacy into most every response.

Find an excerpted portion of the full Q&A below.

Face the Country: Jason, your new single "Burnin' It Down" is just hot! Like, how'd you decide to go this direction?

Aldean: Well, some people out there think they get to be the deciders on what is and isn't country. We just wanted to go in there and make something the hotties would love and the haters would hate. Not that I care what the haters think. I mean, I want them to hate it but I want them to shut up!!! It's a pair of docks [sic], you know.

FTC: LOL. (yes, spoken audibly) You go, boy! We hate to bring this up, but there has been a tiny little eensy minuscule bit of criticism about your persona...

Aldean: Next question. No, let me tell you something. That was so long ago. Like years. I don't even remember who I was married to back then. I don't even want to talk about this. Me and Brittany are very happy together, very damn happy. Move on. We don't want to be in the public eye with this crap, so I'm not going to go into it. I mean, have you ever drove over the speed limit? Yeah, so who are you to sit and judge? I mean, let's not talk about this stuff. It took years for me to get this happy, so I'm not going to let you take that from me!

FTC: (crying) It must be an exciting time for you with your new album coming ou...

Aldean: Listen, if you say the words "bro country," I will literally give you an atomic wedgie and take a picture of it and put it on my Instagram. I sing about what I know about. If you sang, you'd do songs about, uh, bloggifying or whatever. I'm a famous millionaire who is either on tour or home counting money at all times, so of course I sing about hanging out in the country. Next damn question.

FTC: I love rap music and I love country music and I love rap music inserted into country music and I love your music. That said, what do you have to say to critics of hick-ho...

Aldean: This is bullsh*t! You shut up right now. The next person out there, nerds behind a keyboard or whoever, who says anything remotely non-positive about me, my music, my life, or my friends... I will drive my tour bus directly to your house, dorm, or apartment and beat you down with my wallet chain. I'm freaking happy people!!! My life could not be bringing me any more satisfaction than it is at this very damn moment! Leave me the hell alone!

FTC: Ha ha, okay! Don’t hate us!!!

Mar 22, 2024

John Rich's House Even Cooler Than You Thought

A Fake News Classic, originally posted on Country California, April 7, 2010

When it comes to country superstar John Rich, even the home he lives in is controversial. Called an eyesore and a blight by "jealous neighbors," Mt. Richmore is even cooler than you might have imagined, says an anonymous source who has visited the well-equipped abode several times.

This insider, who asked us to refer to him as Bart Mozart, says all the bright lights pointing away from Rich's home are for good reason. "It's so nosy-ass locals can't see all the cool sh** in there. Dude, they'd sh** a brick if they knew!" said Bart.

We've all heard about the fully-stocked bar in the elevator, but that's just the tip of the awesomeness iceberg, according to Mr. Mozart. There are also mini-bars in each of the five bathrooms, another fully-stocked bar in the master bedroom and a wine locker the size of a football field directly underneath the house. In addition to those liquid amenities, Mt. Richmore's main bar (staffed by two bartenders and six buxom waitresses) also has a bar in its bathroom, and the pool table opens to reveal a beer vault.

"John's even working on figuring out how to put a bar inside the bar; man, how f***ing cool is that? We figured out that you are never more 4 1/2 feet from a dose of refreshment," laughed Bart. "And we party like it's 1989... uh, I mean 1999, or whenever.."

Behind the family room on the second story, Rich has built a full recording studio with enough room for an entire band with backing horns to rehearse or record crappy music at the same time. There is also a bar both in this studio and in the control booth, with Rich's own "Richmore Ale" on draft directly from the soundboard.

One would think that so much potential drinking might lead to some accidents, but Bart says JR has planned for this. "Every room has a vacuum system built into the floor to suck up anything you spill, and the walls are made of a super strong polymer that's kinda soft to fall against but tough enough to withstand a brawl or a thrown vase, not that those things ever happen," informed Mozart.

"Bart" went on to describe the pad's home theater (w/ bar), garage (x2), kitchen (yep) and dining room (sure), all designed with the most forward-thinking style, technology and accommodations for drinkers available on the market today. He also said to catch him on the latest season of Celebrity Fit Camp on VH1 - then he tried to retract that statement.

In summary, Mt. Richmore is truly a marvel of western innovation. 

Mar 15, 2024

TikTok Country Artist Feels Possibility of Unearned Overnight Success Slipping Away

Rising TikTok personality and country singer Dillon Dylan feels his dreams slipping away. The Mobile, AL college sophomore with 2.1 million followers and growing buzz thinks all his hard work could be for naught. 

“I’ve written 4 and a half songs and covered dozens of others on camera in back of the abandoned Shell station down from my house, built up an audience, received lots of heart emoji reactions, and for this??” regretted Dylan. 

This week, the US House Of Representatives passed a bill that could lead to a ban of the popular and addictive app. In recent years, many wet behind the ears singers whose mom told them they were better than what’s on the radio have found overnight acclaim singing over-wrought teen poetry over an acoustic guitar in a cotton field somewhere. Many feel that time may be almost over. 

Dylan’s song “19 and Middle Aged” has garnered over 20 million impressions or whatever metric they use, pulling in a following more impressive than some established country radio stars. While there are many such artists showing true talent and dedication, a big chunk of them also luck into popularity due to timing or contacts or personal appearance. Dylan is the latter.

“I mean, I spend my days honing my craft of social media engagement and this is how America repays us,” raged Dylan. “This might be my villain origin story.” Dylan spoke little of “honing his craft” of songwriting and music, or trying his hand at playing an open mic, or joining a buddy’s band to get some experience under his belt. 

“F**kin’ Zeiders jumped the line, why can’t I?” continued the raging Dillon. “I’ve done everything my sponsor, uh I mean mentor, has said I should do and it might just never happen for me now. I’m gonna have to be a damned graphic designer like my dad.” 

At press time, the words “We have to hire a talent scout? What’s that?” were being shouted across record label board rooms across Nashville. 

Mar 8, 2024

SC Man to Sue Tyler Childers After “In Your Love” Video “Turns Him Gay”

Columbia, South Carolina resident Pete Dew says he’s made some major changes in his life recently, and he’s not happy about it. Dew, whose wife filed divorce papers this past week, says it all started with a song. Well, a video to be more specific: Tyler Childers’ “In Your Love.”

“I was Childers fan from way back,” said Dew. “Until he got woke singing about black people on a mountain or some s***; that’s when I moved on.” Dew says he has checked back in on Childers’ work from time to time, just to see “if he’d come back to his senses” but was mostly just listening to oldies and indie-pop these days. 

What happened next could not have been predicted by anyone, including Dew’s wife, mother, stylist, fitness trainer, or interior designer. “That damn coal miner video turnt me gay!” said Dew. “Before that, I was the straightest man alive, I loved sexual relations with my lovely wife, I loved a fresh pair of square toes, I loved pro wrestling!”

Dew told us he is speaking with attorneys about filing a lawsuit against Childers. “The first time I watched the video, I was confused about the feelings I was having,” related Dew. “By the 34th time, I figured out Tyler was using some kind of subliminal messages in the video to turn us all gay. I bet the WEF and the UN paid him.” 

Dew said that was it; he knew. He spent a few days extensively researching information and photos on the internet before telling his wife. “She said she wasn’t that surprised,” frowned Dew. “But I said naw baby, it was Tyler! She thought Tyler was a dude I was seeing, but I explained it to her and she just said ‘sure hon’ and walked out.” 

At press time, Pete Dew was Googling “rainbow Gadsden flag.”


Please note that almost any time I use stereotypes, I am making fun of that stereotype. 

Feb 23, 2024

On This Day in Country Music History

New Americana Band Vows to Stay Apolitical Until They’re Popular

Up-and-coming Americana group The Red Lions are making waves with more than just their music. The four-piece out of Homewood, AL are impressing with their streaming numbers for their self released debut record and selling out rooms across the south, but their approach to songwriting is also turning some heads. 

“They say ‘everything is political,’ but we’re the exception,” said Lions bandleader Joe Sparkman. “We avoid taking positions so hard that we went back and edited out a line about drinking a Bud Light even though the song is set in 1989.” 

The four-piece has deftly stayed clear of being labeled by writing songs only about work, drinking and love, while steering away from any sort of signifiers or coded terms that might out them as Democrats or Republicans. “We love and respect all our fans and welcome them into our big tent, at least until we’re popular. Then 50% of them can kiss our asses!” laughed drummer Laura Lofton. 

The Red Lions’ music also avoids classification. Blending country, rock, pop, folk, soul, hard rock, southern rock, indie rock, outlaw country, and R&B in perfectly equal parts in every song, the band literally can barely be described. Despite being impossible to market, they’ve managed to get a couple of songs to over 100k streams on Spotify, including “Coal Mining and Liquor” and “Laid Off at the Paper Mill.” 

While the band has gained a great deal of traction on streaming platforms, they’re having a hard time finding a touring partner. “We had one potential supporting tour for a major band, but they were gonna make us sign a social intersectionality pact or some shit. And another big singer wanted us to get tiny MAGA tattoos to come aboard. So we’re mostly opening for ourselves so far.” said Sparkman.

When asked about the band’s plans after passing their threshold of “success,” bassist Reed Wilkes chimed in. “Shortly after crossing 100,000 monthly listeners, we will go into the studio and write an album in which we write ham-fisted lyrics railing against whatever the current Presidential administration is, while leaning into EDM and other styles our original fans don’t care for, so they’ll have to say ‘their first album is actually good’ when somebody mentions us for the rest of their lives.” 

At press time, The Red Lions were being ambivalent about their lunch plans.

Feb 9, 2024

Jelly Roll to Step in for Injured CM Punk at Wrestlemania

Pop-country supernova Jelly Roll has a lot of irons in the fire these days, but his latest may be the hottest one to handle. Mr. Roll, a longtime wrestling fan who has appeared on WWE television a couple of times before, has been announced as a participant in a match at the upcoming Wrestlemania event in Philadelphia.

The singer/songwriter/rapper/celebrity known for his genre-blending styles and “no sir I don’t know where you can find some copper” tattoos sees his career on the upswing lately. He has appeared on a multitude of awards shows and other related programs, has racked up hit after hit, and even delivered big time at a passionate appearance before the Senate(!!).

But this is a different animal altogether. At the WWE Wrestlemania kickoff in Las Vegas yesterday, Roll, real name Jason DeFord, was announced for an as-yet unannounced match at the event. CM Punk, a top tier performer at WWE, recently tore his triceps at a previous event, and the company felt it needed to bring in some more star power to shore up the card of the two-night extravaganza.

While Jelly Roll won’t necessarily be facing CM Punk’s presumed opponent in Seth Rollins, he is training for any possibility. At WWE’s Orlando Performance Center, DeFord spent many days in the last few months learning back bumps, rope running, and “selling.” One anonymous trainer told us things were going okay, but he was at least better than Snooki and Colin Jost in the ring.

“Woo, it’s been a grind!” said DeFord. “This has been harder than the chore of making people take me seriously due to my name being a pastry.” The large framed singer says trainers Shawn Michaels and Steve Corino have pushed him towards a “big man offense.” 

“I won’t be doing any moonsaults or 450 splashes, naw I’mma be doing the Dusty Rhodes or Rikishi-style fight, bring the pain.” laughed Jelly. “But no way in hell will I be wearing Rikishi’s outfit in Philly.”

At press time, Jelly Roll had just tweaked his back trying to power-bomb Scotty Too Hotty.

Jan 26, 2024

Keith Urban Announces Stultifying New Single

Fake News Classic, Originally posted on Country California, Thursday, October 08, 2009 

Though he just sent the obligatory third single (which obligatorily features a performance video) from Defying Gravity to radio this past week, Fake News has received exclusive information about the first single from Keith Urban's forthcoming moderately anticipated seventh album. The mid-tempo pop-country anthem entitled "This Is a Pretty Good Song," cowritten by Urban and a songwriter whose name you'd recognize, showcases Keith's excellent, but getting less interesting, guitar skills and his renewed sense of purpose in the fading genre while simultaneously sounding like every song he's released before. 

"I'm actually somewhat excited about the song," Urban's manager read from an index card during our short interview with him. "It is a soundly crafted, proficiently played tune that fits squarely into the standard expectations of the people who will listen to it again and again." He continued: "We feel that it will sell somewhere in the range of 178,000 digital copies, raise average awareness of Keith's new CD above the 'fairly interested' level, and most importantly, not cause radio listeners to change the station." Tucking the index card back into his pocket, he concluded: "We are nearly thrilled." 

The song is gathering quite a semblance of a buzz in the industry. In fact, some country disc jockeys who received early preview discs of the potboiler track jumped the gun, pretending to be breathless with staged anticipation as they played the yet-to-be-released surefire chart-topper. Some even reported listeners phoning in to request "that new song I think was by Keith Urban, maybe, that sounded pretty okay." 

Urban's as-yet-untitled seventh album is due for release in March of 2010. A summer tour featuring opening act Pretty Up-and-Coming Female Performer Who Can Sing Harmony will follow. 

Jan 19, 2024

Daring New Country Singer Blends Varied Influences Into His Shitty Music

Daring new country singer Skip Malone is on deck for stardom, and he’s here to put Nashville on notice. The dashing 21-year-old out of West Memphis, AR, wants everyone to know that he won’t put out a note of music that wasn’t influenced by music he actually listens to, everything he listens to.

His debut single “Night Like What” blends the stylings of Green Day, Drake, and Kenny Chesney into an unbearable mess of soulless slop. And that’s what he’s counting on. Not on it being an unbearable mess of soulless slop, he’s counting on over-30 country fans to think it’s an unbearable mess of soulless slop. 

“No shade, but I hope they hate it!” laughed Malone. “The more the ops can’t stand it, the more streams we’ll do. You and Saving Country Music and all those blue hairs on Twitter will probably put more cash in my Venmo than the quality of my music.” 

Newly signed to DBAG69, a subsidiary of Mercury Nashville, Malone is already scheduled to open for Dustin Lynch at some shows before his godawful song has even been released to radio. He says the company has promised their full support behind him, already purchasing a tour bus from an ailing legend, and plastering Malone’s ultra-punchable face all over it. 

“TikTok is where we’re really taking off,” said Malone. “Got videos of college girls dancing to “night like what what what” all over the place. It’s humbling fr fr.” (Editor’s note: He actually said “fr fr” out loud)

The song itself, about (you guessed it) meeting a girl in a bar and driving out to the country in his suburban assault truck, sounds like someone having a mild stroke during a Florida-Georgia Line karaoke performance. There’s snap beats, metal riffs, a hint of banjo, an EDM breakdown, a rapped bridge, and autotune galore. It’s as if every channel on Sirius XM was played on top of one another at once, but with a singular programmed beat. 

Currently dating one of Morgan Wallen’s leftovers, Skip Malone looks to have a massive year and he’s excited. “It’s gone be bussin going on tour with Dustin Lynch and dropping this fire later this year.” he smiled. 

At press time, Skip Malone was putting the finishing touches on his second single, “No Simp No Cap.”

Jan 12, 2024

Zac Brown Announces Upcoming Second Midlife Crisis

Country bandleader Zac Brown had an announcement for fans this past Wednesday, but not one they’d have seen coming. Brown, 45, took to his socials not to announce an upcoming album or tour, but for something else entirely

“To all our fans, I have made the very difficult decision to begin my second midlife crisis. Despite thinking this part of my life was in the past, recent upheavals have made clear that I will soon be hitting the gym again.” began Zac, before running down a list of likely changes his repeat experience with the middle-age rite of passage will bring. 

“Where my previous midlife crisis saw me get arrested at a hotel where there were hookers and blow, this time around I’ll mix it up a little bit with… let’s go with escorts and ketamine in my vicinity this time,” continued Brown. “Surely in those alleged pursuits I will find myself …as well as a path forward.”

Many men experience a “mid-life crisis” sometime between the ages of 40-60 years old. According to Wikipedia, “it is a psychological crisis brought about by events that highlight a person’s growing age, inevitable mortality, and possible lack of accomplishments.” 

Oftentimes though, it is outside stressors that can also lead to a man of a certain age purchasing a soft top Bronco and dating a 24 year old they met at the dispensary. This seems to possibly be the case with Brown, who recently announced a divorce from his wife of 4 months.

In his previous crisis, Brown was known to experiment heavily, and poorly, with styles of music other than his usual jam-oriented pop-country. “Last time we did cringe-rap and EDM; this time I’m thinking I’ll embarrass the rest of the band with some guest shots from folks like The Kid LAROI and Kodak Black. Maybe we’ll drop a black metal album. Who knows? F*** the haters.”

At press time, Zac Brown was doing a photo shoot with People, touting his recent trip to Mexico for a non-FDA-approved baldness cure. 


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