Showing posts with label Fake News. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Fake News. Show all posts

Jul 19, 2024

New Country Singer Doesn’t Even Use Trap Beats

An unnamed rising country singer has recently made waves with his unique approach to modern country music. Many are questioning the logic of his peculiar musical recipe in an age of TikTok dances and committee written songs. 

Eschewing modern bells and whistles like programmed trap beats and guest appearances by white rappers, the singer is instead leaning on what he calls "tradition." When asked if he'd even considered using auto-tune or wearing a plain t-shirt with a gold chain in his promo photos, he succinctly replies with "Hell no, and I never lie." 

Despite being written by less than 10 songwriters and having little similarity to the sounds of Thomas Rhett or Hardy, the performer's current single is nearing the mainstream country top 25, and he's beginning to garner slots on national tours. The singer, who doesn't even have face tattoos, says he has a simple philosophy about his music. 

"I perform and record country music," he stated plainly. "If that makes me an innovator on country radio, so be it." He went on to say that he would not be releasing any songs about a douchebag in bar picking up a girl and banging her in his suburban assault truck. Many wonder if this promising artist is shooting himself in the foot not pandering to the Chads and Karens of the world.

"He doesn't even attempt trendy dance moves on TikTok or use slang in his songs," said an anonymous Nashville music exec. "So I wonder just how much shelf life this 'novelty' music can have." He ended the thought with this warning: "I wish him the best but if he doesn't want to cut in a few more dozen writers on his next record, he's toast." 

At press time, the singer was practicing guitar instead of doing burpees. 


---

 (this is fictionally about Zach Top, but it can represent others playing a comparatively timeless style of country music)

Jun 28, 2024

The Crud Report: July '24

 Yeah, it's a little early but the day I'd normally post this is next Friday - a day no one will be online (and also Farce's birthday).



Jun 21, 2024

Rotting Corpse Starting to Affect Honky-Tonk’s Ambiance

West Memphis, AR – A popular local drinking establishment is losing patrons and racking up Department of Health complaints at a rapid pace in recent days and the reason is particularly macabre. 

"They've got a dead body leaned up on the jukebox," said Pearl Heath of West Memphis. "I s**t you not; the owner said it was the dude's deathbed request, but they ain't got no air conditioner and it's getting pretty ripe up in there." She went on to say that the bar owner had even given the corpse whiskey, and a mannequin girlfriend.

Britches and Hoes is a popular honky-tonk that's been open since 1993 on the west side of town. Its owner Joseph D. Fee says he's in a tight spot over the whole "dead body in a business that sometimes serves food" situation. 

"At first it was just funny; we were gonna give the guy his dying wish," said Fee, eyes teary from the overpowering odor of decay. "We had a huge crowd that first night due to the novelty of the situation; we put sand in his boots and a stiff drink in his hand, and we planned to get him out of there in a day or so before the health department came calling." That was when things got even weirder. 

"Ol' boy's widow came in here and intimated to me that if I removed him from the premises, she would sue," he laughed, painfully. "She said he put that request in his will and that her lawyer would be in contact if I moved him before she said so; I think she's just trying to save money on a visitation." 

"It really don't even make no sense legally, but I'm erring on the side of anything that keeps me out of a courtroom," relayed Fee, brushing a fly off his nose. "I hope she picks his ass up soon, I'm gonna have to fumigate." 

One former Britches and Hoes patron even thinks the corpse is haunted. "I put on some good ole Luke Bryan music and I swear I saw that dead face wince." said Bart Hurlihy of Jackson, TN. Hurlihy says he has not been back due to the stench.

At press time, West Memphis police were too busy dealing with copper harvesting and off-grid pharmacists to investigate the reported stiff leaned up against a Wurlitzer.


Jun 7, 2024

Police Shut Down Illegal Wino-Decorated Bar

West Memphis police say they closed down an illegal bar at a residential home in the 300 block this past Tuesday. 2 were taken into custody and around 20 others were questioned at the scene and released. Dave “Frizzy” West, the homeowner, and Letty West, his wife were arrested and held overnight on charges ranging from zoning violations to operating a bar without a license. The details of this particular illegal bar are unique to say the least. 

“Nothing was up to code, there were wiring problems everywhere, they only allowed patrons to use one bathroom which was down the hall,” said Detective Norris Charles. “It was extremely unprofessional to say the least. Apparently the wife had hired what she called a “wino” to decorate the place.”


“Mrs. West was worried about Dave spending so much time at bars every day after work, she decided to build a full bar at the house.” he laughed. “And by the looks of things, the “wino” was also the contractor.”


The detective went on to tell us that everything looked the part of a hole-in-the-wall bar, a bar along the wall of the dining room, a neon sign pointing the way to the bathroom down the hall, boiled eggs and pretzels everywhere, but it just wasn’t up to snuff in the safety and legality department. “The sawdust thrown haphazardly on hard floors just made things slippery; there were men fighting in a room that had a hand-drawn sign that said “Family Quarrels;” there were several guys with head injuries from crushing beer cans on their foreheads; it was a mess!” said Detective Charles. 


The Wests are now out on bail and will face their first hearing in early July. The unnamed “wino” was not on premises at the time of the police raid and could not be reached for comment. 


Apr 26, 2024

HARDY to Release Country Remix of “Truck Bed”

Riding high on the success of his massive monogenre hit “Truck Bed,” Hardy has announced plans to follow that up in coming weeks with a country remix, or re-imagining to be exact, of the smash release. The song, which was recently certified platinum for Hardy, and the first trap-country alt-rock song to reach the top 10 on the major country charts, will receive quite a makeover for this incarnation. 

Instead of the creeping guitar riff, there will be a crying steel guitar. The post grunge style nasal vocals will become a more note-bending drawl of the sort once employed by Lefty Frizzell. The heavy bass will be switched out with a 90s country style drum sound. There may even be some audible fiddle (possibly replacing the whistle in the original), clearly signaling a radical departure for the up-and-coming Mississippi boy.


Whether this release will continue Hardy’s winning streak is yet to be determined, but many behind the scenes are questioning the move. "Who's gonna play it? I mean, this thing is like, old-timey sounding and stuff," said Clearchannel country radio DJ Trey Turner. “Like from 1997 or something.”


"You can't G-walk to it for a Tik Tok; I don't like it," complained Kawntrygull56 on a short song teaser on Hardy’s Insta. Another comment went the other way with it. “THA GOAT don’t miss - making country music better than the legends! Waylon who??” Said Hardy fan PisswhereIwant. 


Hardy, for his part, maintains that this will play to a new demographic he hasn't reached before. "The people who actually like the organic, authentic-sounding stuff like Merle Haggard and George Jones..." said the musical enigma. “Maybe people will stop talking mean about me on Twitter now.” 


Apr 19, 2024

Sturgill Simpson Returns to Music With New Hick-Hop Group, Tha Tucky Boyz


Americana stalwart and actor Sturgill Simpson has been quiet on the musical front for the past couple of years. Despite being quite visible in the entertainment world, appearing in Martin Scorcese’s Killers of the Flower Moon and the HBO comedy The Righteous Gemstones, Simpson has released no new albums or singles since 2021’s The Ballad of Dood & Juanita. 

That all changed Wednesday as Sturgill unveiled his next musical incarnation, Tha Tucky Boys. With his high school friend Herschel Porter, now known as Pill-P, Sturgill (stage name B Double D) introduced his new duo on a new Instagram account you probably can't find. “I’m a country rapper now” was the simple announcement, alongside this photo, and a short snippet of a song called “Treadin’ on Me.” 


We had a short FaceTime conversation with B Double D and Pill-P Thursday to check into this unexpected development. “Lemme holla at ya dog,” said Simpson, now adorned with face tattoos similar to that of his character in the movie The Hunt. “I told y’all you’d seen the last of Sturgill solo, so please stop referring to me as Sturgill. I’m going all in on this country rap game.”


Pill-P chimed in: “We might come from different lifestyles, BDD being a well-off musician and actor, and me being a proprietor of medicinal solutions and all your scrap metal needs, but anyway… we both real ass Tucky boys and we both hate the government so it works out.”


Simpson says the duo features a crappy logo, stolen drum loops, bad honky rapping, and adds that they will only play at ATV races and mud bogs, such is the custom with country rap performers. “We’re keeping this shit lo-fi homey,” laughed Sturgill, sipping a Steel Reserve tall boy from a paper sack. “I’ve done my time in the industry, I just wanna keep it real yo.” Simpson says they also plan to start a beef with Upchurch right off the bat, as is also tradition among hick-hop artists. 


When asked if there were any political divisions within the group, with Simpson having progressive views and Pill-P having been excluded from caring about politics due to a felony on his record, Sturgill told us it wasn’t an issue. “I’m gonna vote my way, Pill’s gonna not vote, it’ll be fine.” 


At press time, Tha Tucky Boyz were doing a photo shoot at an old train depot, each holding a chicken snake with some half naked women inexplicably posing on top of a rusted out tank car in the background.


Apr 12, 2024

Lost 90s Country Song Was Somehow Too Cheesy to Release

A 90s country ballad based on a silly saying from a popular sitcom? In an era marked by movie-catch-phrase song titles, tunes about sentient hearts, and more goofy dance remixes than you could shake it to the right at, this particular one was somehow deemed too cringe. Why is that?

Because it was “Did I Do That?” a phrase made popular by Family Matters character Urkel (played by Jaleel White), a lovable nerd who was often hilariously and disastrously clumsy. Now, that hook might work for an uptempo party song, but this was no “Ain’t Goin’ Down (Till the Sun Comes Up)” or “I Like It, I Love It”; it was a fiddle and steel, cry-in-your-beer heartbreak song.


The tearjerker, written by Craig Wiseman and Gary Loyd was pitched to around 15 different artists, with only 1 cutting the tune. The singer, who can’t be named, but whose name rhymes with Lacey Turd, had hoped to include the song on his 1996 album and release it as a single; they even had single artwork completed. 


That’s when higher ups at MCA stepped in and told him and producers that “Did I Do That?” was just too dopey, even for the 90s (and even for an artist who’d later release the gem, “Ten Rounds With Jose Cuervo”). So the song just went into the vaults never to be heard again.


Even Wiseman, who’d go on to become one of the most successful songwriters and music execs in mainstream country is ashamed of “Did I Do That?” “Where’d you even find out about it?” he laughed. “We must’ve had some good weed in the writers’ room that day… a sad song based on a goofy exclamation from a TV dork… it’s even dumber than (Blake Shelton & Trace Adkins’) “Hillbilly Bone” which I am also quite ashamed to have my name associated with” 


When asked if the song might ever see the light of day, Wiseman said “There were several lyrics based on other absurd quotes from the show… and on the last chorus, (singer) even sang the hook similarly to Urkel’s delivery… so honestly, I hope whatever vault the tapes were in burned down and then flooded and then the debris was dispersed by straight-line winds to the horizon.” 


Wiseman did provide the few following lyrics from the song (to the best of his recollection):


My little sweet potato

With eyes so sad and blue

Baby I’ve got to know

If I’m the one that did that to you

My perfect baby cakes

Laura, why did you go?

Was it my mistakes

That got you feelin’ so low


(Part of chorus)

Did I do that?

Break your heart too many times

You ain’t comin’ back

And all the fault is mine”


Apr 2, 2024

Fake News Classic: Jason Aldean Is Finally Happy, Really He Is

Originally posted on Country California, September 25, 2014


Jason Aldean is finally living a fulfilled and joyous life and will assault you viciously if you don't like it, according to a recent interview with the popular Face the Country blog. Though most of the questions asked were softballs, Aldean managed to insert his aggressively petulant views on life, music, and privacy into most every response.


Find an excerpted portion of the full Q&A below.


Face the Country: Jason, your new single "Burnin' It Down" is just hot! Like, how'd you decide to go this direction?


Aldean: Well, some people out there think they get to be the deciders on what is and isn't country. We just wanted to go in there and make something the hotties would love and the haters would hate. Not that I care what the haters think. I mean, I want them to hate it but I want them to shut up!!! It's a pair of docks [sic], you know.


FTC: LOL. (yes, spoken audibly) You go, boy! We hate to bring this up, but there has been a tiny little eensy minuscule bit of criticism about your persona...


Aldean: Next question. No, let me tell you something. That was so long ago. Like years. I don't even remember who I was married to back then. I don't even want to talk about this. Me and Brittany are very happy together, very damn happy. Move on. We don't want to be in the public eye with this crap, so I'm not going to go into it. I mean, have you ever drove over the speed limit? Yeah, so who are you to sit and judge? I mean, let's not talk about this stuff. It took years for me to get this happy, so I'm not going to let you take that from me!


FTC: (crying) It must be an exciting time for you with your new album coming ou...


Aldean: Listen, if you say the words "bro country," I will literally give you an atomic wedgie and take a picture of it and put it on my Instagram. I sing about what I know about. If you sang, you'd do songs about, uh, bloggifying or whatever. I'm a famous millionaire who is either on tour or home counting money at all times, so of course I sing about hanging out in the country. Next damn question.


FTC: I love rap music and I love country music and I love rap music inserted into country music and I love your music. That said, what do you have to say to critics of hick-ho...


Aldean: This is bullsh*t! You shut up right now. The next person out there, nerds behind a keyboard or whoever, who says anything remotely non-positive about me, my music, my life, or my friends... I will drive my tour bus directly to your house, dorm, or apartment and beat you down with my wallet chain. I'm freaking happy people!!! My life could not be bringing me any more satisfaction than it is at this very damn moment! Leave me the hell alone!


FTC: Ha ha, okay! Don’t hate us!!!


Mar 22, 2024

John Rich's House Even Cooler Than You Thought

A Fake News Classic, originally posted on Country California, April 7, 2010

When it comes to country superstar John Rich, even the home he lives in is controversial. Called an eyesore and a blight by "jealous neighbors," Mt. Richmore is even cooler than you might have imagined, says an anonymous source who has visited the well-equipped abode several times.


This insider, who asked us to refer to him as Bart Mozart, says all the bright lights pointing away from Rich's home are for good reason. "It's so nosy-ass locals can't see all the cool sh** in there. Dude, they'd sh** a brick if they knew!" said Bart.


We've all heard about the fully-stocked bar in the elevator, but that's just the tip of the awesomeness iceberg, according to Mr. Mozart. There are also mini-bars in each of the five bathrooms, another fully-stocked bar in the master bedroom and a wine locker the size of a football field directly underneath the house. In addition to those liquid amenities, Mt. Richmore's main bar (staffed by two bartenders and six buxom waitresses) also has a bar in its bathroom, and the pool table opens to reveal a beer vault.


"John's even working on figuring out how to put a bar inside the bar; man, how f***ing cool is that? We figured out that you are never more 4 1/2 feet from a dose of refreshment," laughed Bart. "And we party like it's 1989... uh, I mean 1999, or whenever.."


Behind the family room on the second story, Rich has built a full recording studio with enough room for an entire band with backing horns to rehearse or record crappy music at the same time. There is also a bar both in this studio and in the control booth, with Rich's own "Richmore Ale" on draft directly from the soundboard.


One would think that so much potential drinking might lead to some accidents, but Bart says JR has planned for this. "Every room has a vacuum system built into the floor to suck up anything you spill, and the walls are made of a super strong polymer that's kinda soft to fall against but tough enough to withstand a brawl or a thrown vase, not that those things ever happen," informed Mozart.


"Bart" went on to describe the pad's home theater (w/ bar), garage (x2), kitchen (yep) and dining room (sure), all designed with the most forward-thinking style, technology and accommodations for drinkers available on the market today. He also said to catch him on the latest season of Celebrity Fit Camp on VH1 - then he tried to retract that statement.


In summary, Mt. Richmore is truly a marvel of western innovation. 



Mar 15, 2024

TikTok Country Artist Feels Possibility of Unearned Overnight Success Slipping Away

Rising TikTok personality and country singer Dillon Dylan feels his dreams slipping away. The Mobile, AL college sophomore with 2.1 million followers and growing buzz thinks all his hard work could be for naught. 

“I’ve written 4 and a half songs and covered dozens of others on camera in back of the abandoned Shell station down from my house, built up an audience, received lots of heart emoji reactions, and for this??” regretted Dylan. 


This week, the US House Of Representatives passed a bill that could lead to a ban of the popular and addictive app. In recent years, many wet behind the ears singers whose mom told them they were better than what’s on the radio have found overnight acclaim singing over-wrought teen poetry over an acoustic guitar in a cotton field somewhere. Many feel that time may be almost over. 


Dylan’s song “19 and Middle Aged” has garnered over 20 million impressions or whatever metric they use, pulling in a following more impressive than some established country radio stars. While there are many such artists showing true talent and dedication, a big chunk of them also luck into popularity due to timing or contacts or personal appearance. Dylan is the latter.


“I mean, I spend my days honing my craft of social media engagement and this is how America repays us,” raged Dylan. “This might be my villain origin story.” Dylan spoke little of “honing his craft” of songwriting and music, or trying his hand at playing an open mic, or joining a buddy’s band to get some experience under his belt. 


“F**kin’ Zeiders jumped the line, why can’t I?” continued the raging Dillon. “I’ve done everything my sponsor, uh I mean mentor, has said I should do and it might just never happen for me now. I’m gonna have to be a damned graphic designer like my dad.” 


At press time, the words “We have to hire a talent scout? What’s that?” were being shouted across record label board rooms across Nashville. 



Mar 8, 2024

SC Man to Sue Tyler Childers After “In Your Love” Video “Turns Him Gay”

Columbia, South Carolina resident Pete Dew says he’s made some major changes in his life recently, and he’s not happy about it. Dew, whose wife filed divorce papers this past week, says it all started with a song. Well, a video to be more specific: Tyler Childers’ “In Your Love.”

“I was Childers fan from way back,” said Dew. “Until he got woke singing about black people on a mountain or some s***; that’s when I moved on.” Dew says he has checked back in on Childers’ work from time to time, just to see “if he’d come back to his senses” but was mostly just listening to oldies and indie-pop these days. 


What happened next could not have been predicted by anyone, including Dew’s wife, mother, stylist, fitness trainer, or interior designer. “That damn coal miner video turnt me gay!” said Dew. “Before that, I was the straightest man alive, I loved sexual relations with my lovely wife, I loved a fresh pair of square toes, I loved pro wrestling!”


Dew told us he is speaking with attorneys about filing a lawsuit against Childers. “The first time I watched the video, I was confused about the feelings I was having,” related Dew. “By the 34th time, I figured out Tyler was using some kind of subliminal messages in the video to turn us all gay. I bet the WEF and the UN paid him.” 


Dew said that was it; he knew. He spent a few days extensively researching information and photos on the internet before telling his wife. “She said she wasn’t that surprised,” frowned Dew. “But I said naw baby, it was Tyler! She thought Tyler was a dude I was seeing, but I explained it to her and she just said ‘sure hon’ and walked out.” 


At press time, Pete Dew was Googling “rainbow Gadsden flag.”


——————



Please note that almost any time I use stereotypes, I am making fun of that stereotype. 



Feb 23, 2024

On This Day in Country Music History


New Americana Band Vows to Stay Apolitical Until They’re Popular

Up-and-coming Americana group The Red Lions are making waves with more than just their music. The four-piece out of Homewood, AL are impressing with their streaming numbers for their self released debut record and selling out rooms across the south, but their approach to songwriting is also turning some heads. 

“They say ‘everything is political,’ but we’re the exception,” said Lions bandleader Joe Sparkman. “We avoid taking positions so hard that we went back and edited out a line about drinking a Bud Light even though the song is set in 1989.” 


The four-piece has deftly stayed clear of being labeled by writing songs only about work, drinking and love, while steering away from any sort of signifiers or coded terms that might out them as Democrats or Republicans. “We love and respect all our fans and welcome them into our big tent, at least until we’re popular. Then 50% of them can kiss our asses!” laughed drummer Laura Lofton. 


The Red Lions’ music also avoids classification. Blending country, rock, pop, folk, soul, hard rock, southern rock, indie rock, outlaw country, and R&B in perfectly equal parts in every song, the band literally can barely be described. Despite being impossible to market, they’ve managed to get a couple of songs to over 100k streams on Spotify, including “Coal Mining and Liquor” and “Laid Off at the Paper Mill.” 


While the band has gained a great deal of traction on streaming platforms, they’re having a hard time finding a touring partner. “We had one potential supporting tour for a major band, but they were gonna make us sign a social intersectionality pact or some shit. And another big singer wanted us to get tiny MAGA tattoos to come aboard. So we’re mostly opening for ourselves so far.” said Sparkman.


When asked about the band’s plans after passing their threshold of “success,” bassist Reed Wilkes chimed in. “Shortly after crossing 100,000 monthly listeners, we will go into the studio and write an album in which we write ham-fisted lyrics railing against whatever the current Presidential administration is, while leaning into EDM and other styles our original fans don’t care for, so they’ll have to say ‘their first album is actually good’ when somebody mentions us for the rest of their lives.” 


At press time, The Red Lions were being ambivalent about their lunch plans.


Feb 9, 2024

Jelly Roll to Step in for Injured CM Punk at Wrestlemania

Pop-country supernova Jelly Roll has a lot of irons in the fire these days, but his latest may be the hottest one to handle. Mr. Roll, a longtime wrestling fan who has appeared on WWE television a couple of times before, has been announced as a participant in a match at the upcoming Wrestlemania event in Philadelphia.

The singer/songwriter/rapper/celebrity known for his genre-blending styles and “no sir I don’t know where you can find some copper” tattoos sees his career on the upswing lately. He has appeared on a multitude of awards shows and other related programs, has racked up hit after hit, and even delivered big time at a passionate appearance before the Senate(!!).


But this is a different animal altogether. At the WWE Wrestlemania kickoff in Las Vegas yesterday, Roll, real name Jason DeFord, was announced for an as-yet unannounced match at the event. CM Punk, a top tier performer at WWE, recently tore his triceps at a previous event, and the company felt it needed to bring in some more star power to shore up the card of the two-night extravaganza.


While Jelly Roll won’t necessarily be facing CM Punk’s presumed opponent in Seth Rollins, he is training for any possibility. At WWE’s Orlando Performance Center, DeFord spent many days in the last few months learning back bumps, rope running, and “selling.” One anonymous trainer told us things were going okay, but he was at least better than Snooki and Colin Jost in the ring.


“Woo, it’s been a grind!” said DeFord. “This has been harder than the chore of making people take me seriously due to my name being a pastry.” The large framed singer says trainers Shawn Michaels and Steve Corino have pushed him towards a “big man offense.” 


“I won’t be doing any moonsaults or 450 splashes, naw I’mma be doing the Dusty Rhodes or Rikishi-style fight, bring the pain.” laughed Jelly. “But no way in hell will I be wearing Rikishi’s outfit in Philly.”


At press time, Jelly Roll had just tweaked his back trying to power-bomb Scotty Too Hotty.


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