No One on Facebook Ever Heard of Luke Bryan

Despite country music superstar Luke Bryan having sold over 16 million albums, achieving dozens of #1 hits, selling out concerts across the country, performing at major sporting events, being in commercials, and winning piles of awards, most users of the social media platform Facebook reported Thursday that they were entirely unaware of his existence. 

“Who?” asked Jerry Dickens of Shreveport, in response to a story about Luke’s favorite fishing lure on Whiskey Riff, and the sentiment seemed to be prevalent across the Facebook landscape. Up to 77% of readers of the country music humor page Farce the Music reported being unfamiliar with the Georgia singer. Dickens assured us that his comment was not to add to his “real country” cred, or to look cool to other pop-country haters.

Bryan, who debuted on the country charts 17 years ago and has been a prevalent force in the industry ever since, also has his own festival, his own restaurant, and his own brand of beer. Be that as it may, he has somehow escaped the attention of a majority of Facebook users. 

“Luke Bryan, who’s she?” commented Dick Berry of West Memphis, AR, below a We Hate Pop Country meme this past Tuesday. This highlights another mystery of the perception of Bryan - that he is a female. How one could come to the conclusion that Luke is a woman’s name is certainly odd, and we’re fairly certain no one on Facebook would ever stoop so low as to misgender someone as an insult. 

At press time, Larry Richards of Raleigh, NC was preparing an incomprehensible FB comment about Bryan being a homosexual (but certainly not in a negative light) despite being oblivious to Bryan’s very presence in this corporeal plane. 

Local Man’s Profane On-Air Rant Leaves Country Station with $20K FCC Fine

A local man’s obscene rant on a popular country radio station has cost that station five figures in FCC fines this week. Reginald Spears, a small engine repair shop owner who had previously been banned from the airwaves, tricked his way onto the Ferry and Lewis Morning Show and got off two and a half expletives before the hosts dropped his call.

WTSM manager Bart McGee says Mr. Spears’ cell and home numbers have long been on the blacklist for the station, but that he used a friend’s cell phone to call in on Monday morning. Ferry and Lewis, the morning show hosts, had asked listeners to call in and tell them what current songs they were digging and which ones they weren’t. Things went fine for the first few calls, but quickly went off the rails. 

“He started off quietly praising the fact that we’d played Zach Bryan’s “Something in the Orange” a few times,” said McGee. “But when Lewis asked him to name a song he didn’t like, the caller became suddenly irate.” The morning hosts apparently had accidentally switched off the 1 minute delay feature, which allows time to censor profanities, without realizing.

A transcript of the end of Spears’ call follows:

[Spears - who identified as “Mike in Mt. Airy”]

Yeah, yeah I do have come issues with some of them songs

You’re gone play a perfectly decent Jon Pardi song, and then Dan and freaking Shay?

[Ferry]

Watch it… (laughs)

[Spears]

Yeah anyway, y’all will play Jon.. and Zach Bryan… and Carly Pearce which is all good stuff

But then you will turn around after a loaded tea commercial and play that sissy junk

Literally nobody but stay at home stepmoms listens to that crap

[Lewis]

Seriously, keep it PG … we get it but…

[Spears]

Naw. Y’all using the same airwaves that once played The Possum and Patsy, it gets me fired up.

Y’all know me. This is Reginald Spears and I want y’all to know that while you’re doing better lately,

And that I really listen to my CDs and Spotify more than y’all, but

I don’t wanna hear any of that Kane Brown and his wife or Dan + Shay bullshit. Piss on ‘em. Fuc... [call cut off]

The 48-year-old Spears has a long history of tormenting the radio station and other local businesses with vandalism and “pranks,” in his off-kilter campaign against pop-country music he deems unworthy. Among the incidents are vulgar phrases mowed on the station’s lawn, unplugging the radio tower, and destroying an electronic jukebox. Mr. Spears has payed fines and served short sentences over the incidents, but has been relatively quiet in recent years. 

At press time, WTSM was disputing the fines with the FCC, and speaking with legal counsel to determine if they could sue Mr. Spears himself for damages if the dispute failed. 

The Crud Report, March '23, Vol. II

The Crud Report: March '23

Luke Bryan Worried He’s Repeating Cringe Dance Moves

Bryan performs the "full hunch"

Pop-country superstar Luke Bryan is currently in the midst of a concert at the 80% full Southaven Amphitheater in Southaven, MS, and he’s having a bit of a quandary.

Though every song has gone off generally without a hitch, and the crowd of young moms, sassy grandmas, and frat bros seems to be having a great time, there’s still something eating at him. He’s a pro and he’s here to give these fans a night of repetitive twangy pop-rock songs about beer and trucks and girls, but there’s one thing he can’t repeat if he hopes to keep them entertained. The cringe dance moves.

He replays the last 30 minutes in his head. He’s done the “goofy white boy above the waist dance” during “Rain is a Good Thing.” “Kick the Dust Up” got kinda silly with that new “gospel sway complete with handclaps.” The next song is a blur because that’s when a pair of panties from an um, ‘ample’ fan landed on the neck of his prop guitar. He thinks he did the ‘throw your hands in the air’ bit already, but he’s just not sure.

A cold sweat breaks out down his back. Luke has only pulled out one of the “big guns” thus far, but he doesn’t remember which one. The aforementioned “big guns” are variations of the pelvic thrust, which he calls ‘hunchin’.’

Hunch 1 is called the “dry hump.” It’s more of an up and down motion of the hip area and gets the lady-folk going right quick. Hunch 2 is the Elvis, which is self-explanatory. Hunch 3 is the “pound town,” which is a more forceful version of the Elvis. Hunch 4 is the “full hunch,” which he only breaks out during the encore, so he knows he hasn’t done that one.

Uh oh, the next song is “M-o-v-e” which expressly requires a full 30 seconds of hunchin’. He says a little prayer in his head and goes into the windup. He’s settled on Hunch 2, and as the cheers reach fever pitch, he knows he picked correctly. Luke feels pride in the fact that he’s the standard bearer of modern country music, and that he can provide each and every fan in attendance with just enough shallow music and booty grinds to get them through their week.

At press time, Luke was preparing to unleash the full hunch, as custodians waited in the wings with their mops.

“Tennessee Whiskey” Ends Waffle House Brawl in Singalong

Fights at Waffle House are nothing new. Every week it seems, there is another video of some unruly drunk getting his comeuppance at the hands of a grizzled grillmaster, or customers duking it out over minor slights. The skirmishes usually end in arrests, injuries, or hurt pride, but a recent all out brawl at a Southaven, MS restaurant had a more uplifting finale.

What began as a verbal altercation between some Ole Miss fraternity guys and a couple of truckers quickly spun out of control. One of the cooks, Lucius Perkins – fresh out of Parchman, came over to mediate the discussion but ended up taking an errant punch meant for one of the frat boys. Within seconds, Perkins had the trucker in a full nelson and was inching him toward the exit when the other trucker smashed Lucius over the head with a napkin dispenser.

All hell broke loose and soon, nearly everyone in the restaurant was throwing punches, chairs, and hashbrowns. One man suffered a power bomb onto a table, another woman’s wig was ripped off and thrown onto the grill; it was chaos.

Lucius, confused and staggering from a minor concussion, knew he had to get the situation under control because he wasn’t going back to prison. A light bulb went on in his head and he headed for the jukebox.

He swiftly turned the volume up and made his selection. Mr. Perkins waited and watched. As the dulcet tones of Chris Stapleton’s “Tennessee Whiskey” began to play over the din of moving furniture, punches, and slurs, he noticed a change. Suddenly, one of the truckers released his headlock on one of the frat guys. Another slap fight quickly crapped out as the slappers turned their reddened faces toward the jukebox. Bloodied men and disheveled women, black, white, Latino, and Asian, laid down their fists and chairs in stunned silence.

By the first chorus, the rumble was finished. Ketchup dripped from the light fixtures, the bathroom door was ripped off the hinges, the cash register was in the parking lot, but the combatants were at peace. And then it began. “Youuu’re as smooooooth as Tennessee whiskey…” came the voice of a woman from the window row. It was a keening, unpleasant performance, but it didn’t matter… people joined in. Soon, the Sigma Chi’s were arm in arm swaying with the tattooed Uber driver from Germantown and the truckers were hugging Mr. Perkins, and everyone was singing at the top of their lungs.

By the end of the song, apologies were made and the cleanup began. “Nobody even called the cops,” said Perkins. “This was so beautiful we didn’t wanna mess it up, man I was just crying, humanity can be good sometimes. And thank you, Chris Stapleton. You helped me break my cycle of recidivism. F**k 12.”

The cashier, Cheryl Fontaine, told us that nearly every single person helped clean up and some of them were even friends afterward. “Except that boomer over in the corner,” she pointed. “He keeps saying we’re all frauds because it’s not Coe or Jones’ version. Whatever.”

Country Radio Celebrates Black History Month by Playing Songs With “Black” in Title

The two major country radio station conglomerates, Cumulus and iHeart, are coming together this month for a common cause. iHeart Assistant VP of Marketing Karen Humes made the announcement yesterday via Instagram that the rivals had launched a Black History Month program to bring awareness to the plights and successes of African Americans.

“In solidarity with all who celebrate and support Black History Month, both Cumulus and iHeart have banded together for a special celebration of “black” this month.” she began. “As such, we plan to add to our playlists, shows, and specials many songs in which the word “black” is in the title.”

Ms. Humes went on to list several of the songs that would find their way across the airwaves this month. They included:

“Long Black Train” Josh Turner

“Two Black Cadillacs” Carrie Underwood

“(The Black Dress Song) Getting You Home” Chris Young

“Black Tears” Florida-Georgia Line

“Blue on Black” 5 Finger Death Punch ft. Brantley Gilbert

“Blacktop Gone” Jason Aldean

“Black” Dierks Bentley

“Where the Blacktop Ends” Keith Urban

“Black Jacket” Tim McGraw

Many of the comments below the post expressed concern that possibly the radio giants may be missing the point of Black History Month. “Couldn’t you just… you know… play some black artists?” asked Barry Summers. “Some of those were never even singles… it’s like you’re going as far out of your way as possible not to play Charley Crockett or Mickey Guyton,” replied Laverne Shirley. “How will a Jason Aldean song make anyone on earth think of Black people? This is sooo stupid.” said Terry Hogan.

While none of those complaints were addressed, Humes did add an additional comment. “No, we will not be playing Clint Black or Blackhawk songs because that’s old people music. Josh Turner is already pushing it.”

At press time, the media giants had also removed Johnny Cash’s “Man in Black” because of its age and also some complaints from listeners that the song was “lib’rul grooming.”

The Crud Report: February 2023

Innovative Country Singer to Release Song About Alcoholic Beverages

An up and coming pop-country artist is about to change the country music game forever with a visionary new thematic element. 

Cade Lance has everything else you need to be a country star in 2023. He’s got the looks. He’s 6’3”. He’s a former community college tight end from the south. He sings okay, and his music is suitably inoffensive and sonically similar to what is currently the accepted sound for mainstream country radio. He's got two first names. But he’s not satisfied with being granted a default C-list status for those worthy attributes; he wants to stand out from the pack.

“We’re about to break this thing wide open,” smiled the boyishly handsome Lance. “I mean, everybody enjoys a nice cold beer every now and then, but you never hear anybody sing about it. This felt like discovering a new continent or something.” Lance says the song dropped into his lap during a song-writing session with an old buddy. 

“Yeah Greg Ashley and I were bouncing some ideas off each other before the other 7 writers got to the session, and Greg was sipping on a Miller Lite, when a light bulb went off,” laughed Lance. “I said ‘Greg, what do we do almost every single day and especially on the weekends that nobody ever sings about?'” Lance says Greg suddenly stared at the white can in his hand and gasped.

“We immediately hopped in his truck and left; told the other writers we couldn’t make it,” said the singer. “We couldn’t have anybody else in on this absolutely groundbreaking concept; this was our discovery of the wheel if you will.”

The pair drove into the country and found an open field to park in and partake in more of said alcoholic beverages. The song seemed to fall out of the sky when they picked up their guitars. While Lance wouldn’t tell us the title, he intimated that it was likely a genius pun using the word beer in place of something that rhymes with beer. 

“This is gonna be f***ing huge!” said a clearly ecstatic Lance. “It may save country music.”

At press time, Cade Lance was rushing the song to radio as he heard rumors that droves of Nashville songwriters had caught wind of his disruptive new idea.

Rebel Flags To Be Allowed for Morgan Wallen’s Oxford, MS Concerts

In a brief reprieve of their rules, the Vaught-Hemingway Stadium commission and the Ole Miss Athletic Department have agreed to allow Confederate flags for two nights only at the venue, during the two upcoming Morgan Wallen shows. After removing the rebel flags from football games in ’97 with their “stick ban” and giving Colonel Reb a kick several years later, the school will let Wallen fans fly it on April 22 and 23 only.

“We felt it was important to support the culture of Morgan’s music,” said Athletic Director Kenny Marter. “While we don’t agree with use of that flag… anymore, we realize many of Morgan’s fans come from a nescient background, and we don’t want 60,000 of those people feeling out of their element on our campus.”

Sales of Confederate flag merchandise will be prohibited on the University of Mississippi grounds, but show attendees may bring theirs from their large home collections, as long as “poster, flag, or other display item does not impede the view of other fans.”

Morgan Wallen’s management had no comment on the temporary stay of rules at this time, but his fans were more than eager to give their thoughts on the matter. 

“That’s freekin awesome,” said Vernajean Lucas of Panther Burn, MS in a recent Facebook post. “We can come together and celebrate are favorite music and are heritage at the same time! [sic]” Another fan, Jaxon Strickland of Flowood tweeted the following: Hell yeah, me and the boys coming up in are squatted trucks waving THE REAL OLD GLORY all the damn way, and I DO Not CARE WHO OFFENDED. Can’t wait too see my boy! [sic]

Morgan Wallen, with openers Hardy, Ernest, and Bailey Zimmerman plays April 22 & 23 at Vaught Hemingway in Oxford. The second show was added after the high demand for the original date. 

At press time, other amenities to be provided at the Wallen concerts were pickup truck accessory vendors, White Claw tastings, DUI lawyers posted up at the exits, and a Proud Boys booth.

---

This is satire/fake news, duh.

Luke Bryan Just Recycles New Year’s Resolutions From 2011 Again

Country superstar Luke Bryan recently dropped his handwritten New Year’s Resolutions list on Instagram, and eagle eyed followers noticed something interesting. Bryan fan Lucy Ziffle took a screenshot of the post and took the picture into Photoshop.

“I noticed something funny y’all,” she said under her post. “The whited out part behind ’2023’ was just the previous years! LOL, but we don’t care, he can keep doing the same thing every year till he retires! Luvin’ Luke!”

In her image, she added focus and contrast to the area and somehow cleaned it up enough that viewers could clearly see every year from 2011-2022 covered over. (Don’t ask us how this works; it doesn’t seem possible… and don’t go looking for it, just believe us.)

While it might be odd to use the same physical copy year after year, Luke clearly found his niche with this checklist in 2011 and stuck to it. The commitment to doing the same thing over and over and over, while predictable and safe, has been successful. 

Here’s what he had on the list.

1. Shake my ass in front of moms, daughters, and embarrassed dads at concerts

2. Wear jeans a size too small

3. Sing ONLY about college girls, trucks, love, drinking domestic beers, working, America, and deer

4. Keep teeth pearly white

5. NEVER EVER EVER say anything of importance, depth, or controversy in interviews or on social media

6. Only put out songs that are somewhat traditional sounding if the lyrics are cringe

7. Keep Farce the Music blocked on Twitter so he can’t hurt my feelings again

8. Root for them Georgia Bulldogs!

The Crud Report: January 2023

Pop-Country Singer Shares Lovingly Scripted Holiday Family Hijinks

Superstar pop-country singer ____ recently shared some lovingly curated pre-Christmas hijinks with his household. It was highly family-friendly and positive to preclude any naysayers of said artist from finding anything worthy of “hating” on. 

In the series of videos, ____ led his family of 23 people and 2 dogs in a clearly rehearsed musical number featuring songs from Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and Frosty the Snowman. All persons involved, including the children, were as poised and trained as Disney Channel actors and actresses, putting forth the sort of commercially acceptable filler content sites like The Boot and Taste of Country revel in this time of year, with there being little other news of note going on.

Only a Grinch, Scrooge, Satan, or “that ain’t real country” blogger could find any sort of fault in these primped, staged, and PR committee approved scenes of Yuletide glee.

The cynicism-proof videos also featured cutely choreographed dance numbers featuring ____ himself wearing an elf costume and doing whatever TikTok dance is currently in fashion. Once upon a time, the singer was a bit rougher around the edges and said things that rubbed people the wrong way from time to time, but these days he is a straight up f**king Hallmark movie.

To prove they aren’t entirely straight-laced, ____ and his beautiful wife were also seen playing naughty (wholesome and scripted) pranks on one another. In one oh-so-cute clip, ___’s wife dumped a bucket of paper snow on ___’s head as he walked out of the bathroom. He fell to the carpet in premeditated shock and silliness, just like Waylon woulda done if such technology had existed in the late 70s. 

At press time, _____ was helping his social media manager edit a video in which the singer ‘hilariously’ suggests the kids leave out White Claw and Quest bars for Santa.

Independent Country Artist Turns a Profit on Tour (by Selling Drugs)

Rising country singer Les Millage recently purchased one of Merle Haggard’s old tour buses and had it refurbished into a palace on wheels. Les has also upgraded he and his band’s (the Village) array of intruments and equipment in the past year. He’s turned a huge profit on the band’s recent tour, and they’ve done all this despite never having sold more than 2000 copies of an album, only sporadically selling out shows (mostly when opening for Mike & the Moonpies), and never once being featured on Saving Country Music. So how does Les do it?

“Pills,” laughed Millage. “What you need?” He went on to explain that he’s been a ‘go to’ guy since high school and that he only got into country music while bored during a 2015 ice storm in his native South Carolina. “Yeah, I hope to make singing the main income source eventually, but until then, we have a ‘backing interest’ in the band.”

Many smaller music acts have found difficult footing in recent years, with Spotify payouts being so minuscule, and music venues taking cuts of the merchandise, it’s hard to keep a four-piece on the road. Most bands just grind it out, doing their own publicity, and holding down regular jobs when they’re home, but not Les. 

“I only go home to pick up product,” he explained. “Whatever my plug has got, I can move it. I’m more broke when I’m off tour.”

Millage opened up a road case that was made for housing an amplifier to reveal a pharmacy. “Word has gotten around, so people just come up to the bus before and after shows and we do the do,” Said Les. “I won’t sell meth, crack, or heroin… gotta have a code… but whatever else you’re in the market for, we got ya. Weed, Benzos, xannies, jellies, jets, shrooms, whatever… and I can even put in a special order for DMT or half moon… my guy is the best.”

Millage, best known for his song “Jesus and Southern Pacific,” revealed to us that his previous tours lost $1,905 and $3,002 respectively, and that he’d only made about thirteen bucks off Spotify streams. He would not say how much the current tour had made because "Feds watchin' ...and I'm just joking about the pills. I'm just good at budgeting." 

At press time, Les Millage and the Village were playing Jackson, Mississippi for $65 and a bar tab, but he expected to net around $950 for the night.

Innovative Americana Singer Writes Song About Rural Melancholia

Up and coming Americana singer/songwriter Louis Reynolds is ready to level up in a big way. The Austin newcomer will drop his debut single “Dust on the Silo” next Friday and is anticipating a massive response. The reason for this optimism? “Dust on the Silo” breaks new ground in the sometimes stodgy and predictable genre with its sorrowful tale of rural melancholia, a subject he says is untouched by the rest of Americana and roots rocks’ stalwarts. 

“Sturgill Samson [sic] isn’t going to know what hit him,” laughed the tall, handsome former badminton star. “The ‘elites’ of Americana music are all writing about turtles and Jesus and horses, but they don’t really get what the common man is going through. The turnip farmers and train drivers of America need their stories heard and I’m here to tell them!”

The song, a 3 minute and 23 second, mid-tempo, Lumineers-esque anthem, digs into the financial and emotional hardships of an Arkansas turnip farmer enduring a severe drought. While sketchy on detail accuracy and mediocre with the guitar work, Reynolds manages to squeeze a great deal of grit and passion from his slightly above average voice, making “Dust on the Silo” a definite single to be heard by people with ears. 

“Authenticity is so important in this style of music,” smiled Reynolds, sipping a whiskey sour on the balcony of his East Austin apartment. “I want my fans to know that I feel what they’re going through; I’ve read all about the coal miners on Oxyclean pills and truck drivers crying in a Love’s parking lot. This shit is real!”

At press time, Reynolds was getting his beard trimmed at a hip barber shop for the single photo shoot, while sipping a pour over coffee.

The Crud Report: December '22

AmeriQana Album Selling Poorly

A recent album from roots rock band Gadsden Four has barely moved 100 copies since its release in March despite a strong marketing campaign from its indie label. We Go All, a 10-track treatise on all manner of cockamamie conspiracy theories, has gone mostly unnoticed despite speaking to a passionate segment of society.

“I tell you what,” said a frowning Freddie Huddleston, lead singer of Gadsden Four. “It’s clear to me that our ads for the album have been shadow-banned, deprioritized, extreme hidden, regular hidden, comment ghosted, stealth-erased, and super-secret-inverse-quiet-muted on social media and I’m sick of it! Ours is a message every non-adrenochrome ingesting American needs to hear!”

We Go All, released March 11th, is a surprisingly listenable mix of folk-rock and country tunes until you pay attention to the lyrics. Songs about infant harvesting, JFK Jr’s faked death, woke commie satan worshippers, mind-controlling energy drinks, and President Biden’s secret slave trading ring speak to the bat-shit-crazy fringe who find Hank Williams Jr. too liberal.

While no evidence of shadow banning the promotion of the album or band exists, Gadsden Four have found no foothold in the Americana genre whatsoever, failing to land even one booking to play at a reputable venue. “We played a Klan barbecue down near Mobile and a Citizen’s Council cakewalk in Mississippi, but we can’t get any bars to let us play,” said bassist Lynn “Hurricane” Hodges. “They say we’re too ‘controversial’ and ‘not for public consumption’ and ‘in need of a stay at the state mental hospital’ but we don’t let the haters slow us down.”

Huddleston says he hopes Elon Musk’s recent purchase of Twitter brings brighter days for the band and their “political movement.” “I need America to know about reggaeton-and-rape-addicted immigrants swarming our borders and the lizard people bringing about the enslavement of the world population and the purple goblins who live in my shed and tell me all their prophecies when I huff degreaser,” yelled the worked up vocalist. 

At press time, the band was performing as a two-piece at a Proud Boys wine mixer due to the bassist and drummer being in jail on stalking and arson charges.

We Go All track listing:

1. Red Pills and Whiskey

2. Save the Kids

3. The Second Storm

4. Dallas in the Meantime

5. It’s Not Crazy If You Believe It

6. Wake Up!

7. Blue Haired Girl

8. Kanye Was Right

9. 1-06-21

10. They Stole Are Land [sic]

#fakenews #satire

I intentionally did no research into Q-Anon’s beliefs beyond what I already knew from news reports and instead just made up a bunch of stuff so anybody who believes any of that crap would get triggered.

The Crud Report: November 2022

New 90s Country Fans Shocked to Learn About 90s Economy

“Holy sh**!” explained mullet-headed recent 90s country convert Ian Downy. “Gas was $1.50? I knew the 90s was a while ago, but that’s what I thought it cost in the 20s. Can you imagine how much cruising down backroads in a $9000 Ford Ranger cranking Little Texas you could do at that price?”

Downy is not alone in his discovery of that decade’s generally booming economy. With 90s country returning to prominence among younger music fans, a lot of those have fallen down a rabbit hole of despair comparing those times to these. 

“You could get a McDonald’s combo for two friggin’ dollars and ninety-nine cents, my brother in Christ,” said a gobsmacked Kaitlyn Mack. “It’s like ten bucks now; I blame whoever is President at this moment.” Mack perused ‘throwback’ photos of 90s prices on Instagram, mouth agape, as she proudly sported her $200 vintage Reba McEntire t-shirt she bought off eBay.

Jason Harkenson, an Uber driver from West Memphis, told us he’d initially gotten really into Patty Loveless and Clint Black before noticing the price on someone’s vintage Alan Jackson concert ticket they’d posted on Reddit. “You could get into a show for $25 back then? That’s what parking is now…” he said, Ricochet blasting in the background. “And then I stupidly kept digging and found out a person making $9 an hour could afford a pretty good apartment back then. What the absolute f**k?? I’ve got two jobs and a roommate.”

Many of the younger 90s country fans who took this depressing journey expressed sadness that they’d gone from digging “Friend in Low Places” and mullets to being despondent about the nineties including both $5/6pk beer and strong economic growth and a steady job market. 

“Wish I didn’t know now what I didn’t know then, indeed.” lamented Harkenson.

Country Songwriter Assures Fans There is Not “A Song in There” About Colonoscopy

Country singer and songwriter Gary Hyden recently turned 46 and decided to post on social media about his experience getting a colonoscopy to bring awareness to intestinal health. “It’s important to get checked out, guys. And they’ve lowered the suggested age from 50 to 45, so make sure to look after yourself!” he posted on an Instagram post a few weeks ago. Gary went on to highlight different steps of his experience to assure fans around his age that it was a simple and important procedure.

“Wasn’t fun, but it’s done!” he posted alongside a photo of him giving a thumbs up in a medical gown a few days later. 

Most of the replies to his social media updates were simple ‘atta boys’ and support for Gary, but there was also a prevalent curious response that left him seething. “There’s a song in there!” said many of the comments, or “There might not be anything left inside you but I bet at least a good chorus comes out.”

Hyden had received versions of that cliched comment over the years on various other posts and had generally become numb to the trite statement, but this… this got his goat. 

“No the f**k there isn’t a song in there,” responded the normally polite and affable Hyden, “They shoved a tube up my ass with a camera in it, and I spent all the night before on the toilet, and that stuff I had to drink tasted like fruit flavored Myrtle Beach seawater.” Gary copied and pasted this enraged response to every person who’d suggested the possibility of discovering the muse in an awkward but necessary ordeal.

“Really, does there have to be a song in every one of life’s experiences?” asked Hyden when we talked to him. “They’ve said that s**t about hayrides, trips to Kroger, mowing the yard, and drinking chocolate milk… it gets old, okay.” He went on to explain that while he’s an artist, he’s also a human being who sometimes just lives in the moment, whether it’s uncomfortable or blissful. 

Five minutes later, Hyden called us back. “I uhhh, just realized they were joking that there might be a song up my ass,” he giggled. “I’ve got some apologizing to do.”

At press time, Hyden was seeing if he could figure out a rhyme for GoLytely.