The Crud Report: October '24

The Ragweed headline is just trash talk; I'm not even going and I'm excited.

Local Man Arrested for Assault Over “Copperhead Road” Line Dance

Local small-engine repairman and country music fan Reginald Spears spent some time in the clink this past weekend for a peculiar reason. Spears, 49, was taken into custody without incident Saturday night at Jerry’s on the Bypass, after police say he assaulted another man for trying to start a line dance to the Steve Earle song “Copperhead Road.”

“It’s not a f***ing line dance song” said an exasperated and unapologetic Spears when we talked to him Monday by phone. “They got 400 remixes of silly 90s country songs you can do that to, partner. So take your square toe boots and jeans with designs on the butt and go boot scoot back where you came from.”

Mr. Spears has had frequent run-ins with local law enforcement over the years, and oddly enough, it has almost always had something to do with music. This includes but is not limited to the destruction of a jukebox, fighting with a cover band, and ‘unplugging’ a radio tower. Spears has served time, payed fines, and spends most of his free time on probation.

Jerry Briggs, owner of Jerry’s on the Bypass, described the scene this past weekend for us. “The cover band started playing ‘Copperhead Road’ and Reggie was over there shooting pool, keeping a sharp eye toward the dance floor.” said Briggs. “Soon as he seen this tall dude from out of town waving his girlfriend toward the floor, he put his stick down.”

Briggs said the moment the victim, identified as Bo Champlin of Hart County, put his hand on his hat and lifted a leg, Spears was in his face. “‘Nah man, we don’t do that here,’ I told him,” said Spears, giving his side of the story. “Just because you can dance to a song don’t mean you should.”

Things escalated quickly when Champlin replied with a “F—- you, Karen.” 

Police report that Spears tackled Champlin into the (non-working) cigarette machine, and then calmly went back to his pool game. The victim suffered a concussion from the impact. 

“Oh it happens about once a month, but usually the victim doesn’t have an uncle on the board of supervisors.” laughed Briggs. “We love Reg but he’s kind of a bully sometimes.”

At press time, Reginald Spears was pulling into his usual parking space at the courthouse. 

The Crud Report: September '24

Concern Growing as Gap Between New Zach Bryan Music Nears 2 Months

“What if he never puts out another song?” asked a distressed Lyndi Partridge in a TikTok video on Wednesday. “I mean, he’s off social media and now this… I don’t know how to experience joy.”

Another fan, @sadassman32x4 Tweeted (Xed?): I’m about to start back drinking if Zach Bryan doesn’t put out some new music soon. And also if he does.

These sentiments seem increasingly common among fans of the Oklahoma-born superstar, as the time since his most recent release nears 2 full months. While in past years most artists would put out one album per year or two, today’s realities demand more constant contact with fans. With streaming royalties being paltry, bands and singers sometimes drop as many as 35+ songs in a year in this new era, and we don’t just mean Ryan Adams.

“I’m bored and sad and vaping more lately, but I’ve been trying out Wyatt Flores in the meantime,” said a Bryan fan we spoke with. “He’s putting out his second album of the year so he must really care about his fans.”

In past years, Zach Bryan was prone to releasing an EP not long after an LP, not long after a single, not long after a maxi-single, not long after a live album, so it’s easy to see why his fans are growing impatient.

“I’ve moved on,” said a recent Facebook comment. “As much as it hurts to say this, I’m a Jelly Roll fan now - he knows that as a 17-25 year old raised on gaming and social media dopamine blasts, I need endless stimulation so he puts out like 3 songs a week. I’ve already forgotten that Jack Bryan dude. Sucks to suck.”

At press time, Zach Bryan had probably just dropped or was about to drop an EP and make this story even more pointless.

New Americana Band Trying Too Hard to Appeal to Hick-Libs

In a music industry increasingly entwined with the political landscape, the latest five-member Americana band, The Brambles, is making headlines—not for their tunes, but for their strained attempts to connect with a hip ‘new’ liberal audience. Despite their clear intent to stick to their roots in storytelling and traditional melodies, the band finds itself navigating a minefield of political expectations that they seem ill-equipped to handle.

Formed just two years ago in the Florida panhandle, The Brambles consists of lead vocalist and guitarist Jake E. Thompson, rhythm guitarist Scruffy Hanks, bassist Burton Longfellow, drummer Louis Perkins, and multi-instrumentalist Barry Weed. With influences ranging from Johnny Cash to The Avetts, their sound is rich with heartfelt lyrics and a nostalgic Americana vibe. 

However, as the political discourse continues to intensify across the nation during campaign season, the band's management is pushing them to find a core fanbase. In a recent interview, Thompson candidly admitted, "We’re not really a political band. We just want to make music about whiskey and beards and square body pickup trucks. But we’re never going to be on the radio, so our manager says we need to cultivate an influential/perpetually-online audience of rural liberals who own guns and drink pour-over coffee.”

In what some might call a series of goofy missteps, the band has worn Che Guevara shirts, donned stupid looking hipster hats, and ghermed the hell out of Jason Isbell in attempts to find the good graces of “hick libs.” From awkwardly phrased tweets about social justice (“Stop the violence in the middle west!” - a tweet which was never deleted) to clumsy attempts at engaging with trending political issues (shoehorning “Walz” in to their song about waltzes), their efforts have routinely missed the mark, leaving fans scratching their heads. 

In a recent concert in Austin, Texas, the band attempted to rally the crowd with an AI written speech about climate change before launching into their upbeat single, “Hurricane Party.” The audience's response was mixed, with some cheering enthusiastically while others exchanged puzzled looks. “They’re good musicians, but I left the show very confused.” said fan Ida Contigo, “The drummer was eating Chick-fil-a while wearing a homemade “F*** Donald Trump” shirt before the show.”

Despite the backlash, The Brambles remain optimistic. “Barry’s been wearing that camo Harris/Walz cap and we put an old pomade logo on the drum kit - I think our fans are getting an idea of the demographic we covet,” Longfellow said. “Not that any of us have ever voted before or know what intersectionality is.” Despite wishing to let their music speak for itself, they continue to test styles and messages in order to find a steady flow of income. As the band continues to tour and cultivate their fanbase, it remains to be seen whether they will find a way to authentically connect with their audience or just become a Farce the Music meme. For now, their plight serves as a reminder of the challenges faced by artists trying to navigate the often contentious intersection of music and politics in today's world.

At press time, Barry was attempting to bait Kid Rock into an online argument despite owning 6 of his albums.

Taste of Country Rebrands as Taste of Jelly Roll

A popular country music news and lifestyle website is changing its focus and its name. Taste of Country, a Townsquare Media website, will be known as Taste of Jelly Roll starting in September. 

TOS senior editor Billy Dukes announced the rebrand in a press conference featuring the titular pop-country star. “We’re proud to move Taste of Country into a new partnership and a new era,” began Dukes. “With Jelly Roll quickly evolving from rural rapper to omnipresent megastar, and every other story on our page already being about him, we felt it only logical to make this switch.”

Dukes went on to inform the throng of journalism interns forced to cover the event that Jason DeFord (Jelly Roll’s real name) would be brought in not only to guide content about himself, but to write a daily journal for the site. “Whether he’s getting his teeth fixed, delivering a devastating choke slam on WWE, collaborating with every single artist alive, or just hanging out with his wife, Jelly brings clicks and clicks bring money so this is a no-brainer.” said Dukes. 

Mr. DeFord himself spoke glowingly of this new business and entertainment venture. “Their writers were already texting me about 15 times a day to ask what I was doing at that moment, so I figured, why not just put me on staff?” laughed Jelly Roll. DeFord’s appearance was jovial but short, as he had 17 guest vocals to record later that morning. 

Billy Dukes made sure to reassure everyone that sister website The Boot would continue to cover news about Post Malone, MGK, Morgan Wallen, and other artists who pull strong traffic to the purported country music site. “And we’ll still be bringing you the latest in franchise closure news, for whatever reason we do that.” he laughed. 

At press time, Jelly Roll was petting a dog.

The Crud Report: August '24

Tragic Accident Strikes as Woman is Released from Prison

West Memphis, AR- A heart-wrenching incident unfolded yesterday when a woman was tragically killed just moments after being granted her freedom from prison. 

Eyewitnesses report a scene filled with anticipation that quickly turned to horror and sorrow as the woman, identified as 62-year-old Lindy Cole, was struck by a train while heading to meet her son. According to local authorities, Lindy was set to reunite with her son, Allan, who had arrived at the station to pick her up after years of incarceration for arson and tax fraud. 

In an unfortunate turn of events, while Allan was on his way to the station in his pickup truck, Lindy attempted to cross nearby train tracks and was hit by a southbound Canadian National. "It was pouring rain, and she probably didn't even see it," stated bystander Steven Good, who witnessed the tragic accident. "I heard the train horn but it was too late. It's like some sad a** country song; it was all that I could do to keep from crying." 

As the news broke, emotions ran high in the community, with many expressing their condolences for the family. Allan, who stumbled out of his step-side F-250 at the scene seemingly intoxicated, was devastated after learning of the loss. Friends say he had long awaited this moment, and the tragedy has left him bereft. "Dave - it's a nickname - we don't call him by his real name..." said friend Jon Pine. "He's utterly ruined and I hope we can get him to hang around town a while and maybe consider therapy."

Emergency services responded promptly, but Lindy was pronounced dead at the scene. Investigations into the incident are ongoing, with authorities looking into factors such as "it raining as hard as a cow pissing on a flat rock" (according to eyewitnesses) and crossing barriers that were "nearly useless to remain." 

At press time, funeral arrangements for Lindy Cole are pending, with family and friends devastated by the ironic and dark turn of events.

New Country Singer Doesn’t Even Use Trap Beats

An unnamed rising country singer has recently made waves with his unique approach to modern country music. Many are questioning the logic of his peculiar musical recipe in an age of TikTok dances and committee written songs. 

Eschewing modern bells and whistles like programmed trap beats and guest appearances by white rappers, the singer is instead leaning on what he calls "tradition." When asked if he'd even considered using auto-tune or wearing a plain t-shirt with a gold chain in his promo photos, he succinctly replies with "Hell no, and I never lie." 

Despite being written by less than 10 songwriters and having little similarity to the sounds of Thomas Rhett or Hardy, the performer's current single is nearing the mainstream country top 25, and he's beginning to garner slots on national tours. The singer, who doesn't even have face tattoos, says he has a simple philosophy about his music. 

"I perform and record country music," he stated plainly. "If that makes me an innovator on country radio, so be it." He went on to say that he would not be releasing any songs about a douchebag in bar picking up a girl and banging her in his suburban assault truck. Many wonder if this promising artist is shooting himself in the foot not pandering to the Chads and Karens of the world.

"He doesn't even attempt trendy dance moves on TikTok or use slang in his songs," said an anonymous Nashville music exec. "So I wonder just how much shelf life this 'novelty' music can have." He ended the thought with this warning: "I wish him the best but if he doesn't want to cut in a few more dozen writers on his next record, he's toast." 

At press time, the singer was practicing guitar instead of doing burpees. 

---

 (this is fictionally about Zach Top, but it can represent others playing a comparatively timeless style of country music)

The Crud Report: July '24

 Yeah, it's a little early but the day I'd normally post this is next Friday - a day no one will be online (and also Farce's birthday).

Rotting Corpse Starting to Affect Honky-Tonk’s Ambiance

West Memphis, AR – A popular local drinking establishment is losing patrons and racking up Department of Health complaints at a rapid pace in recent days and the reason is particularly macabre. 

"They've got a dead body leaned up on the jukebox," said Pearl Heath of West Memphis. "I s**t you not; the owner said it was the dude's deathbed request, but they ain't got no air conditioner and it's getting pretty ripe up in there." She went on to say that the bar owner had even given the corpse whiskey, and a mannequin girlfriend.

Britches and Hoes is a popular honky-tonk that's been open since 1993 on the west side of town. Its owner Joseph D. Fee says he's in a tight spot over the whole "dead body in a business that sometimes serves food" situation. 

"At first it was just funny; we were gonna give the guy his dying wish," said Fee, eyes teary from the overpowering odor of decay. "We had a huge crowd that first night due to the novelty of the situation; we put sand in his boots and a stiff drink in his hand, and we planned to get him out of there in a day or so before the health department came calling." That was when things got even weirder. 

"Ol' boy's widow came in here and intimated to me that if I removed him from the premises, she would sue," he laughed, painfully. "She said he put that request in his will and that her lawyer would be in contact if I moved him before she said so; I think she's just trying to save money on a visitation." 

"It really don't even make no sense legally, but I'm erring on the side of anything that keeps me out of a courtroom," relayed Fee, brushing a fly off his nose. "I hope she picks his ass up soon, I'm gonna have to fumigate." 

One former Britches and Hoes patron even thinks the corpse is haunted. "I put on some good ole Luke Bryan music and I swear I saw that dead face wince." said Bart Hurlihy of Jackson, TN. Hurlihy says he has not been back due to the stench.

At press time, West Memphis police were too busy dealing with copper harvesting and off-grid pharmacists to investigate the reported stiff leaned up against a Wurlitzer.

Police Shut Down Illegal Wino-Decorated Bar

West Memphis police say they closed down an illegal bar at a residential home in the 300 block this past Tuesday. 2 were taken into custody and around 20 others were questioned at the scene and released. Dave “Frizzy” West, the homeowner, and Letty West, his wife were arrested and held overnight on charges ranging from zoning violations to operating a bar without a license. The details of this particular illegal bar are unique to say the least. 

“Nothing was up to code, there were wiring problems everywhere, they only allowed patrons to use one bathroom which was down the hall,” said Detective Norris Charles. “It was extremely unprofessional to say the least. Apparently the wife had hired what she called a “wino” to decorate the place.”

“Mrs. West was worried about Dave spending so much time at bars every day after work, she decided to build a full bar at the house.” he laughed. “And by the looks of things, the “wino” was also the contractor.”

The detective went on to tell us that everything looked the part of a hole-in-the-wall bar, a bar along the wall of the dining room, a neon sign pointing the way to the bathroom down the hall, boiled eggs and pretzels everywhere, but it just wasn’t up to snuff in the safety and legality department. “The sawdust thrown haphazardly on hard floors just made things slippery; there were men fighting in a room that had a hand-drawn sign that said “Family Quarrels;” there were several guys with head injuries from crushing beer cans on their foreheads; it was a mess!” said Detective Charles. 

The Wests are now out on bail and will face their first hearing in early July. The unnamed “wino” was not on premises at the time of the police raid and could not be reached for comment. 

The Crud Report: June '24

The Crud Report: May 2024

HARDY to Release Country Remix of “Truck Bed”

Riding high on the success of his massive monogenre hit “Truck Bed,” Hardy has announced plans to follow that up in coming weeks with a country remix, or re-imagining to be exact, of the smash release. The song, which was recently certified platinum for Hardy, and the first trap-country alt-rock song to reach the top 10 on the major country charts, will receive quite a makeover for this incarnation. 

Instead of the creeping guitar riff, there will be a crying steel guitar. The post grunge style nasal vocals will become a more note-bending drawl of the sort once employed by Lefty Frizzell. The heavy bass will be switched out with a 90s country style drum sound. There may even be some audible fiddle (possibly replacing the whistle in the original), clearly signaling a radical departure for the up-and-coming Mississippi boy.

Whether this release will continue Hardy’s winning streak is yet to be determined, but many behind the scenes are questioning the move. "Who's gonna play it? I mean, this thing is like, old-timey sounding and stuff," said Clearchannel country radio DJ Trey Turner. “Like from 1997 or something.”

"You can't G-walk to it for a Tik Tok; I don't like it," complained Kawntrygull56 on a short song teaser on Hardy’s Insta. Another comment went the other way with it. “THA GOAT don’t miss - making country music better than the legends! Waylon who??” Said Hardy fan PisswhereIwant. 

Hardy, for his part, maintains that this will play to a new demographic he hasn't reached before. "The people who actually like the organic, authentic-sounding stuff like Merle Haggard and George Jones..." said the musical enigma. “Maybe people will stop talking mean about me on Twitter now.” 

Sturgill Simpson Returns to Music With New Hick-Hop Group, Tha Tucky Boyz

Americana stalwart and actor Sturgill Simpson has been quiet on the musical front for the past couple of years. Despite being quite visible in the entertainment world, appearing in Martin Scorcese’s Killers of the Flower Moon and the HBO comedy The Righteous Gemstones, Simpson has released no new albums or singles since 2021’s The Ballad of Dood & Juanita. 

That all changed Wednesday as Sturgill unveiled his next musical incarnation, Tha Tucky Boys. With his high school friend Herschel Porter, now known as Pill-P, Sturgill (stage name B Double D) introduced his new duo on a new Instagram account you probably can't find. “I’m a country rapper now” was the simple announcement, alongside this photo, and a short snippet of a song called “Treadin’ on Me.” 

We had a short FaceTime conversation with B Double D and Pill-P Thursday to check into this unexpected development. “Lemme holla at ya dog,” said Simpson, now adorned with face tattoos similar to that of his character in the movie The Hunt. “I told y’all you’d seen the last of Sturgill solo, so please stop referring to me as Sturgill. I’m going all in on this country rap game.”

Pill-P chimed in: “We might come from different lifestyles, BDD being a well-off musician and actor, and me being a proprietor of medicinal solutions and all your scrap metal needs, but anyway… we both real ass Tucky boys and we both hate the government so it works out.”

Simpson says the duo features a crappy logo, stolen drum loops, bad honky rapping, and adds that they will only play at ATV races and mud bogs, such is the custom with country rap performers. “We’re keeping this shit lo-fi homey,” laughed Sturgill, sipping a Steel Reserve tall boy from a paper sack. “I’ve done my time in the industry, I just wanna keep it real yo.” Simpson says they also plan to start a beef with Upchurch right off the bat, as is also tradition among hick-hop artists. 

When asked if there were any political divisions within the group, with Simpson having progressive views and Pill-P having been excluded from caring about politics due to a felony on his record, Sturgill told us it wasn’t an issue. “I’m gonna vote my way, Pill’s gonna not vote, it’ll be fine.” 

At press time, Tha Tucky Boyz were doing a photo shoot at an old train depot, each holding a chicken snake with some half naked women inexplicably posing on top of a rusted out tank car in the background.

Lost 90s Country Song Was Somehow Too Cheesy to Release

A 90s country ballad based on a silly saying from a popular sitcom? In an era marked by movie-catch-phrase song titles, tunes about sentient hearts, and more goofy dance remixes than you could shake it to the right at, this particular one was somehow deemed too cringe. Why is that?

Because it was “Did I Do That?” a phrase made popular by Family Matters character Urkel (played by Jaleel White), a lovable nerd who was often hilariously and disastrously clumsy. Now, that hook might work for an uptempo party song, but this was no “Ain’t Goin’ Down (Till the Sun Comes Up)” or “I Like It, I Love It”; it was a fiddle and steel, cry-in-your-beer heartbreak song.

The tearjerker, written by Craig Wiseman and Gary Loyd was pitched to around 15 different artists, with only 1 cutting the tune. The singer, who can’t be named, but whose name rhymes with Lacey Turd, had hoped to include the song on his 1996 album and release it as a single; they even had single artwork completed. 

That’s when higher ups at MCA stepped in and told him and producers that “Did I Do That?” was just too dopey, even for the 90s (and even for an artist who’d later release the gem, “Ten Rounds With Jose Cuervo”). So the song just went into the vaults never to be heard again.

Even Wiseman, who’d go on to become one of the most successful songwriters and music execs in mainstream country is ashamed of “Did I Do That?” “Where’d you even find out about it?” he laughed. “We must’ve had some good weed in the writers’ room that day… a sad song based on a goofy exclamation from a TV dork… it’s even dumber than (Blake Shelton & Trace Adkins’) “Hillbilly Bone” which I am also quite ashamed to have my name associated with” 

When asked if the song might ever see the light of day, Wiseman said “There were several lyrics based on other absurd quotes from the show… and on the last chorus, (singer) even sang the hook similarly to Urkel’s delivery… so honestly, I hope whatever vault the tapes were in burned down and then flooded and then the debris was dispersed by straight-line winds to the horizon.” 

Wiseman did provide the few following lyrics from the song (to the best of his recollection):

My little sweet potato

With eyes so sad and blue

Baby I’ve got to know

If I’m the one that did that to you

My perfect baby cakes

Laura, why did you go?

Was it my mistakes

That got you feelin’ so low

(Part of chorus)

Did I do that?

Break your heart too many times

You ain’t comin’ back

And all the fault is mine”

The Crud Report: April '24

Fake News Classic: Jason Aldean Is Finally Happy, Really He Is

Originally posted on Country California, September 25, 2014

Jason Aldean is finally living a fulfilled and joyous life and will assault you viciously if you don't like it, according to a recent interview with the popular Face the Country blog. Though most of the questions asked were softballs, Aldean managed to insert his aggressively petulant views on life, music, and privacy into most every response.

Find an excerpted portion of the full Q&A below.

Face the Country: Jason, your new single "Burnin' It Down" is just hot! Like, how'd you decide to go this direction?

Aldean: Well, some people out there think they get to be the deciders on what is and isn't country. We just wanted to go in there and make something the hotties would love and the haters would hate. Not that I care what the haters think. I mean, I want them to hate it but I want them to shut up!!! It's a pair of docks [sic], you know.

FTC: LOL. (yes, spoken audibly) You go, boy! We hate to bring this up, but there has been a tiny little eensy minuscule bit of criticism about your persona...

Aldean: Next question. No, let me tell you something. That was so long ago. Like years. I don't even remember who I was married to back then. I don't even want to talk about this. Me and Brittany are very happy together, very damn happy. Move on. We don't want to be in the public eye with this crap, so I'm not going to go into it. I mean, have you ever drove over the speed limit? Yeah, so who are you to sit and judge? I mean, let's not talk about this stuff. It took years for me to get this happy, so I'm not going to let you take that from me!

FTC: (crying) It must be an exciting time for you with your new album coming ou...

Aldean: Listen, if you say the words "bro country," I will literally give you an atomic wedgie and take a picture of it and put it on my Instagram. I sing about what I know about. If you sang, you'd do songs about, uh, bloggifying or whatever. I'm a famous millionaire who is either on tour or home counting money at all times, so of course I sing about hanging out in the country. Next damn question.

FTC: I love rap music and I love country music and I love rap music inserted into country music and I love your music. That said, what do you have to say to critics of hick-ho...

Aldean: This is bullsh*t! You shut up right now. The next person out there, nerds behind a keyboard or whoever, who says anything remotely non-positive about me, my music, my life, or my friends... I will drive my tour bus directly to your house, dorm, or apartment and beat you down with my wallet chain. I'm freaking happy people!!! My life could not be bringing me any more satisfaction than it is at this very damn moment! Leave me the hell alone!

FTC: Ha ha, okay! Don’t hate us!!!

John Rich's House Even Cooler Than You Thought

A Fake News Classic, originally posted on Country California, April 7, 2010

When it comes to country superstar John Rich, even the home he lives in is controversial. Called an eyesore and a blight by "jealous neighbors," Mt. Richmore is even cooler than you might have imagined, says an anonymous source who has visited the well-equipped abode several times.

This insider, who asked us to refer to him as Bart Mozart, says all the bright lights pointing away from Rich's home are for good reason. "It's so nosy-ass locals can't see all the cool sh** in there. Dude, they'd sh** a brick if they knew!" said Bart.

We've all heard about the fully-stocked bar in the elevator, but that's just the tip of the awesomeness iceberg, according to Mr. Mozart. There are also mini-bars in each of the five bathrooms, another fully-stocked bar in the master bedroom and a wine locker the size of a football field directly underneath the house. In addition to those liquid amenities, Mt. Richmore's main bar (staffed by two bartenders and six buxom waitresses) also has a bar in its bathroom, and the pool table opens to reveal a beer vault.

"John's even working on figuring out how to put a bar inside the bar; man, how f***ing cool is that? We figured out that you are never more 4 1/2 feet from a dose of refreshment," laughed Bart. "And we party like it's 1989... uh, I mean 1999, or whenever.."

Behind the family room on the second story, Rich has built a full recording studio with enough room for an entire band with backing horns to rehearse or record crappy music at the same time. There is also a bar both in this studio and in the control booth, with Rich's own "Richmore Ale" on draft directly from the soundboard.

One would think that so much potential drinking might lead to some accidents, but Bart says JR has planned for this. "Every room has a vacuum system built into the floor to suck up anything you spill, and the walls are made of a super strong polymer that's kinda soft to fall against but tough enough to withstand a brawl or a thrown vase, not that those things ever happen," informed Mozart.

"Bart" went on to describe the pad's home theater (w/ bar), garage (x2), kitchen (yep) and dining room (sure), all designed with the most forward-thinking style, technology and accommodations for drinkers available on the market today. He also said to catch him on the latest season of Celebrity Fit Camp on VH1 - then he tried to retract that statement.

In summary, Mt. Richmore is truly a marvel of western innovation.