Jan 21, 2022
Unfortunately, the couple had no idea who he was and had him violently removed from the reception hall as he attempted to finish the first verse. Dallas’ manager had apparently not communicated with the couple of the plan to record a viral video of the song at their wedding celebration and they were not amused.
“I thought everybody liked three minute, positive, not-very-country, mid-tempo love songs and mine’s been verrrry popular so I thought surely they were fans,” said a distraught and bleeding Jordan. “I asked my manager if he had set it up ahead of time and he just told me ’Don’t worry, it’ll be great! Everybody loves you!’.”
The couple did not love him. “I still don’t know who the hell that is,” said the exasperated groom, Jerry Pickens. “He just busted in here when the DJ was about to play Etta James’ “At Last” for our first dance, and he started warbling his goofy pop song. As soon as he hit the words ‘truck’ and ‘baby’ I went into action.” Pickens himself grabbed Jordan by his collar and slung him off the makeshift stage at the Pelham Bay reception venue.
Said the bride, Tara, “Our whole playlist after Etta was outlaw country, soul music, and red dirt, so I don’t think his management did its research.”
Jordan described his exit from the function as “impolite, harsh, and definitely not pushin’ P,” whatever that means. The singer was unceremoniously dragged into the parking lot by the groomsmen, doused with champagne and thrown into a dumpster.
“Get that pop country bullshit outta here,” yelled Jerry toward the dumpster as the limo pulled away for the couple’s honeymoon.
At press time, Dallas Jordan was scheduled to embark upon his first headlining tour despite 99.734% of the nation having never heard of him.
Jan 14, 2022
Jan 7, 2022
Dec 23, 2021
The Caulder family of West Memphis, Arkansas is taking songwriter Robert Earl Keen to task and possibly to court over a popular holiday anthem. They say Keen’s “Merry Christmas From the Family” is based entirely upon them and their kooky holiday exploits.
Sure enough, the singer and writer of the song, Robert Earl Keen was exactly who he thought it was. “I met that fella up to the dog track in about 1993; he was cleaner cut back then but that’s him,” growled Caulder. “I was tore up on about a case of Schlitz and we made buddies real quick watching the 1:15 race.” Caulder went on to explain that he told the presumed Robert Earl Keen all about his dysfunctional but love-filled family Christmas that previous year.
“The fake snow, the Diet Rite, it’s all there,” continued Caulder. “He even left some stuff out to make it more family friendly… he ain’t mention the baby pooping in the Christmas tree water or Fred and Rita getting it on in the coat closet.”
Caulder, now married to Ken’s first wife Lynn, says he expects a public apology from Keen or else he’ll pursue legal action. “I ain’t worried about the money, unless he don’t be a man and make this right with me and my people; I trusted him with my personal business and he made a big joke out of it.” frowned Caulder. “But he was kinda an odd feller, kept bragging about a 5 pound bass, hell I can catch a 5 pounder out of the sewage ditch over yonder.”
At press time, the Caulder family was filling up the above ground pool for Christmas, which is forecast to be in the upper 70s this year.
Dec 17, 2021
Riding high on the success of his massive crossover pop hit “Fancy Like,” Walker Hayes has announced plans to follow that up in coming weeks with a country remix, or re-imagining to be exact, of the viral smash.
The song, which was Walker’s first #1 hit and the first Applebee’s commercial to claim the pinnacle on the major country charts, will receive quite a makeover for this incarnation. Instead of the danceable beats, there will be light percussion and passionate fiddle shreds. The laconic rap/talk-singing reading of the lyrics will be replaced by a slow, note-bending drawl of the sort once employed by Garth Brooks. There may even be some audible steel guitar, clearly signaling a radical departure for the wide-jawed Tennessee boy.
Whether this release will continue Hayes’ winning streak is yet to be determined, but many behind the scenes are questioning the move. "Who's gonna play it? I mean, this thing is like, old-timey sounding and stuff," said Clearchannel country radio DJ Trey Turner. "You can't do a TikTok dance to it… I don't like it," complained Klarissa Jo McReynolds of Bude, Mississippi in a reply on Walker’s Facebook page.
Hayes, for his part, maintains that this will play to a new demographic he hasn't reached before. "The people who actually like the organic, authentic-sounding, classic traditional stuff like Tim McGraw and Jason Aldean,” said Hayes, shaping a recently purchased cowboy hat, "that's an audience we haven't spoken to yet."
Dec 10, 2021
A local man was arrested at the Renaissance shopping center this past Tuesday, accused of indecency and lewd behavior. Parker Reynolds of Gluckstadt, MS was taken into custody without incident after several shoppers called the police reporting a man standing outside Anthropologie ‘cry laughing’ and displaying large bulge in his pants.
Reynolds, for his part, wants to set the record straight. “I am NOT a pervert,” he told us emphatically. “I’ve never even commented on a woman’s appearance online.” He went on to say that while he was in fact pitching a tent in his khakis on Tuesday, that there was nothing sexual going on whatsoever.
“I was waiting for my girlfriend who was in Anthropologie, I was just reading through Twitter,” explained Reynolds. “When suddenly, I saw the news… Turnpike Troubadours is reuniting! It was just a natural reaction, I started laughing hysterically till tears were running down my face …and yeah, I got a uh… hard on. I didn’t even notice it myself until I saw some soccer moms looking over at me in horror.”
Turnpike Troubadours, the roots rock band out of Oklahoma, has been on hiatus for a couple of years and recently announced their return. The group’s massive cult following has been ecstatic since the news came out, but most in not such a visible and potentially offensive way.
“The police can check my phone’s activity history, I don’t care… I wasn’t looking at porn. It was better than that.” he laughed. “I’m sorry if I offended anybody. My girlfriend isn’t even returning my texts. This sucks.”
Reynold’s lawyer says he expects to have charges reduced to loitering
and get him off with only some public service hours required.
At press time, Reynolds was thinking about it again.
Dec 3, 2021
Nov 23, 2021
Nov 19, 2021
As a popular pop-country singer with several number one hits to his name prepares to release his newest album, he’s revealing more of himself than ever before since the previous album. “I’m getting back to my roots,” smiles the affable, handsome young man. “That is purposely vague because I listened to lots of different trendy artists at different times in my life, so you never know what you’ll get.”
He went on to say that this particular “return to his roots” will focus on his late-teens when he was really into Blink 182 and Shania Twain. The return to his roots on his last release was a return to the 90s country of his childhood. “I’m not being inauthentic when I refer to ‘my roots’ because I have a lot of options to pick from - 2Pac in my mid-teens; Garth in 5th grade; Lil Nas X in 2018 - it can go wherever it needs to based on the prevailing winds of what makes me more money.” said the refreshingly transparent superstar.
Also of note, handsomefamilymancountrysinger says that this album is his most personal yet. “It gives you a look into the psyche of a man whose last single underperformed, so his record company got antsy and asked him to dig deeper in search of something that would make more money for my person.” he laughed. “Also, I co-wrote one more song this go round, so it is literally more personal.”
While this all seems a bit jaded and flakey, blandfacialhairbro’s management assured us that the new record is an organic attempt at showing the world an unflinchingly honest view of a performer desperately hoping to add a heated salt-water pool to his family’s ski chalet.
At press time, the singer provided us with one more quote about the upcoming project: “People will see more of me in this work than ever before …because I’m wearing shorts on the inside of the album art!”
Nov 17, 2021
Nov 12, 2021
When presented with the poll question “Would you support the arrest of pop-country singer Walker Hayes, singer of “Fancy Like” (aka The Applebees Song)?” a full 72% of Americans answered affirmatively. No legal basis for his being taken into custody was given, yet a strong majority of citizens would approve of his being jailed.
Walker’s song has been a mainstay on country radio since June, and television since August - featuring in ever-present Applebee’s commercials. The nearly inescapable tune paints an idyllic picture of the simple life, mentioning many name brands in the process. Some love the song, but most apparently see it as the grounds for Hayes’ incarceration.
In the comments section of our poll (which only featured that one question), we received such feedback as:
“I don’t know who that is but he has a stupid name so yes.”
“That song makes me want to pull out my ear drums with tweezers and burn them in sacrifice to Satan.”
“Hes not cuntry music like Hank and Paycheck he sucks so throw him in the pen!”
“You people are so hateful. Don’t you have friends or fun? What’s wrong with a little light hearted silliness?”
“F*** this Lego head guy. He’s worse than Garth!”
In this day of divided attentions and beliefs, one strains to find anything Americans agree on over a 45% threshold, so this result is fairly surprising. Only 32% of Americans agreed with the statement that “Clean air is good.” A slightly higher percentage, 34%, said that ‘stabbing people they disagreed with’ was immoral.
Hayes, who recently scored his first #1 hit with the ubiquitous song, said in response to this poll question, “Why would you even ask that? Who are you?” Hayes’ representation also stated: We are perplexed about why a media source with a likely axe to grind would propose such an absurd poll question. Walker Hayes has brought joy to millions with his smash hit song, and is also an upstanding citizen, husband, and father. We’ll give no further comment at this time, except WTF?”
At press time, Walker Hayes was not being investigated for any reason whatsoever, but perhaps he should be if America has a say in the matter.
Nov 5, 2021
Oct 29, 2021
For the second time, country music satirist/parody writer Cledus T. Judd has put his pen and microphone away, announcing his immediate retirement from the music business. The writer/performer of such classics as “My Cellmate Thinks I’m Sexy” and “Living Single in a Doublewide” says he will now focus on family and his home restoration business.
“I almost got cancelled that time around when I put out that Morgan Wallen parody “(Weight’s Goin’) Up Down, Up Down,” laughed Judd. “Weight Watchers and Gary Levox were pissed!” He went on to say that today’s social sensitivities aren’t conducive to his brand of humor. Still, he considers that a distant second to the true reason he’s calling it quits for good.
“It’s already a parody of itself! There’s nothing for me to do,” said Judd, real name Barry Poole, of modern country music. “I guess I could just sing the existing songs in a funnier voice to let the listener know how ridiculous lyrics like “ayyy my girl is bangin’” and “we turning up, got double cups” already are.” Poole said he longed for the days of the nineties and early two-thousands when mainstream country subject matter was varied and the writing was full of imagery.
“I looked at the chart yesterday and half the songs were thirty-something dudes singing songs about twenty-something dudes picking up girls at a bar and hitting the backroads. That’s like if all my songs were about bodily functions… oh wait.” he winked. “Anyway, with ‘truck’ in every song… the only funny words that rhyme are ‘suck’ and the f-word, neither of which are in my ‘PG but still somehow offensive’ wheelhouse.”
As we closed out the interview, Judd went off on a short tangent attempting to come up with parody titles of current songs on the spot as if reconsidering his decision. “Fanning my poots” …no, “blowing you”… hell no, “best thing since fat girls” …screw it. I’m done.”
Oct 22, 2021
“They said I didn’t tweet about Sturgill Simpson enough,” laughed Culpepper in a recent phone interview. “I mean, he’s fine but I’m more into jam bands and indie hip-hop.”
Culpepper, or Cully as he’s affectionately known, went on to say that his indifference to Jason Isbell, professional wrestling, and the show Ted Lasso had also been brought up as reasons for his dismissal at the exit interview. “I thought I was supposed to be a sports personality, not a paradigm of culture,” said Culpepper. “But they said my values and preferences did not align with what is commonly expected of a social media sports bro.”
“I thought the whole ’30 to 50 feral hogs’ thing was hilarious, but that’s as much as I’ve ever gotten into Isbell,” he went on. “And what’s the likelihood of every young to middle-aged sports writer, black or white, male, female, or otherwise, being into Dusty Rhodes and the New Day? It’s like they all graduated from Florida or something.”
Despite winning several awards for his writing, drawing respectable numbers to his college basketball podcast, and being a great brand ambassador, it was made clear that Culpepper’s personal interests were a detriment to his employment at 4th&25.
“I was given every opportunity to adapt to their expectations along the way, so this is fair I guess,” said Cully. “But I just couldn’t bring myself to care about Marriott points, arguing over who makes the best barbecue, Lane Kiffin memes, complaining about flight delays, Bruce Springsteen, Bioshock, soccer, or Dogecoin.”
At press time, Culpepper had returned to school to learn to code.
Oct 15, 2021
Country superstar Jason Aldean is used to the adoration of throngs of pop-country fans across the country who dig his brand of rocked-up twangy bravado, but in recent weeks he’s experiencing something new altogether: new fans who can’t stand his music.
“I’ve never even considered listening to Jason Allen [sic] before I heard he had expressed beliefs publicly that aligned with my own,” said Tara McAllen of Gore Springs, MS. “Now I’m thinking about giving him a shot.” She went on to say that despite being a fan of traditional country and Americana, she was open to seeing the error of her ways.
Many people across social media shared similar thoughts throughout the week. When country satire site Farce the Music shared a non-political but negative meme about Aldean, dozens of previous non-Aldean-fans expressed their disdain. “I always new you was a damn liberal…unfollowed!” replied Instagram user effyoubrandon, despite the meme having not even a whiff of partisanship. “Effyoubrandon” also added a photo of himself proudly wearing some of Aldean’s “Anti Biden Social Club” gear.
The trend of music fans putting ideology over art isn’t a recent one (think Dixie Chicks), but has grown as Americans split into camps over issues such as vaccines, gender, and Machine Gun Kelly. It seems many would rather listen to an artist devoid of any depth, talent, or uniqueness simply to “own the libs/repubs.”
When reminded that he’d frequently told outspoken artists Jason Isbell and BJ Barham to “shut up and sing” in the past, Brad Harbor of Panama City, FL retorted “Yeah, but they hate America. Jason Aldean may be a philandering, bloated, mediocre, angry meathead, but at least he knows the damned election was stolen! I can’t wait to go to one of his shows and get drunk enough to tolerate him!”
At press time, Luke Bryan was attempting to formulate a mildly controversial opinion.
Oct 8, 2021
A mob of unruly woke folks staged a protest in front of country singer Jason Aldean’s record company yesterday. They were clearly upset that Aldean had recently been using his 1st amendment rights to criticize President Joe Biden, speak out against mask mandates, and generally promote all sorts of dangerous freedom.
The blue haired and heavily masked troupe staged their protest on Grand Avenue beside the building that houses the office of Broken Bow Music Group, snarling the already terrible traffic near the intersection with Music Square West.
“We’re here to demand Aldean’s immediate dismissal from the label, and to show our disdain for his very existence.” said Rachel Portnoy, a community developer from Hackensack.
On cue, a short convoy of Nissan Leafs, Toyota Priuses, and Chevy Volts proceeded down Grand in Portnoy’s direction. She and an assistant, Pierre Effete, stepped off the curb carrying large boxes of Jason Aldean CDs. They dumped the albums directly into the path of the environmentally responsible parade and stood back as the cars crushed them into a pile of acrylic, polycarbonate, metallic film, and torn album liners. One Leaf became stuck in the pile and had to be pushed out by
protestors some workers from across the street.
Formerly quiet on the subject of politics, superstar Aldean has recently been more outspoken, cheering on audiences for flouting mask mandates, allowing his children to be photographed in “Hidin’ from Biden” t-shirts, and defending his wife’s sale of said shirts (among other more forcefully worded shirts). “We’re just fed up with his inflammatory speech; while we support responsible free speech, people who disagree with our particular viewpoints clearly cannot handle the freedom.” said Effete, a barista from Belle Meade.
When told that the protest might be bringing previously unknown awareness of Aldean’s politics to a segment of people who’d likely become fans because of those beliefs, Portnoy seemed dismissive. “If this does nothing besides trend on Twitter for 2 hours and improve our cred inside our bubble of influence, then we’ve done our job,” she smirked.
Over on the sidewalk, Pierre attempted to snap an Aldean CD in half with his bare hands, but was unable to break the disc and simply threw it to the concrete before picking it up and placing the pieces in the recycling bin.
Oct 1, 2021
Sep 24, 2021
A new band out of Alabama, Ohatchee, is facing a difficult question as they navigate the terrain of the touring band life. When booking shows, which they still do without management, they are often met with the question: What genre are you? The band has no idea.
“We play the good kind of music,” laughed twangy lead singer/guitarist Hap Lorring. “Anyway that’s what an annoying positive fan of the band always comments online and I think it’s dopey as hell, but then again, I don’t know what genre we are.”
The quintet features a steel guitarist, fiddle player, drummer, bassist, and lead guitarist/vocalist and play what might be described as “a mixture of ballads and dance tunes of a sort of music originating in the rural southern US,” but that’s more than a mouthful to tell club owners and event planners.
Some fans of Ohatchee have called the group “Americana,” but the guys aren’t even sure what that is. “Isn’t that just an adjective to describe those roadside attractions like ‘World’s Longest CVS Receipt’ or ‘Largest Ball of Chewed Up Gum in Nebraska?’”
“We’re not folk either,” said Lorring. “I listened to some popular folk songs on Spotify, and we don’t clap and sing ‘ohhhh’ that often. I’m really at a loss here.”
“My grandfather said ‘Boy, ya’ll are just good ol’ country music’,” said lead songwriter and bassist Chad Logan. “But he’s senile. I listened to country radio and we don’t even have a rapper in the band so we must not be country.” Logan went on to say that Ohatchee doesn’t employ a DJ and doesn’t write songs about picking up a girl in a bar and driving out to the country with her to make love in a sixty-thousand dollar pickup truck. They also lack programmed beats, six pack abs, and mediocrity, so nope, not country.
Whatever the hell they are, Ohatchee rolls on to play the Kudzu and Possum Festival in Winona, MS this weekend.
Sep 17, 2021
After taking over TikTok, country radio, and television ads, pop-country-talk-singer Walker Hayes has something new on his plate: another foray into the advertising world. This time around he’s extolling the virtues of IHOP (formerly International House of Pancakes), in a spectacularly stupid and catchy jingle/single that’s debuting on TikTok next week.
Hayes, the co-writer/singer of the smash-hit, brain-numbing, infuriating ode-to-the-simple life, “Fancy Like,” got to work on the new song, simply titled “IHOP” as soon as Applebee’s launched its ad campaign with the former. “We’re putting the finishing touches on the dance,” said Hayes. “I can just see a line of people dressed as breakfast burritos popping and locking in the commercial! Literally everyone will love it and if they don’t, I’ll make snarky comments to them on Twitter.”
Dine Brands Global, who owns Applebee’s as well as IHOP, had already optioned the song, music unheard, and prepped for ad shoots in the coming weeks. EVP of Marketing, Tenise Helms told us “Walker has been a goldmine for Applebee’s, and I’m sure he’ll be the same for IHOP, and that no one will in any way find this song to be exasperating or irksome. If you don’t like Walker, you don’t like fun!”
Traditional country fans and people who only watch TV during football games had a drastically different reaction to the news. “God ******* **** it!” yelled LSU fan Peter Grady of Baton Rouge. “I already went to therapy for the first time because of that ‘fancy like Applebee’s’ bull****; please tell me this is a ****ing joke.”
“Walker Hayes, who’s she?” asked country fan Carl Outlaw. “Oh that Applebee’s ad… I’ll shoot my TV if I have to hear him on a mother****ing IHOP commercial too!”
Here are a sampling of the lyrics for “IHOP”:
I hop I hop I hop
Breakfast all day, oh yay
Pumpkin full stack and OJ
Eat till I pop
Yeah I hop I hop I hop
At press time, America really wanted Walker Hayes to just stop and go spend some time at home with his family.
Sep 10, 2021
Calling it “despicable and inhumane,” President Biden on Wednesday signed an executive order banning the use of the Walker Hayes song “Fancy Like” as an interrogation method. While not a part of the generally approved list of 19 techniques, annoying the f**k out of prisoners with said musical composition has been a “gray area” tactic in recent months.
Used mostly on ISIS detainees and other terrorist group members captured in the past year, the song has had mixed results. Several bits of useful intelligence have been gleaned in about half the proceedings, the enemy combatants unable to withstand more than 30 seconds of Walker Hayes talk-singing about Natty light and Oreo shakes. Other results have been quite negative, with stronger minded prisoners left near insanity after withstanding hours of the viral TikTok song / commercial jingle.
According to one anonymous source, one high ranking ISIS enforcer was left crying and vomiting in the corner of his cell after 3 hours of “Fancy Like.” “He kept saying ‘Alabama-jamma’ over and over and attempting to pull his hair out.” said the source.
“Much like water-boarding in the past,” said President Biden. “We cannot stoop to the levels of evil men to draw information from evil men. My executive order declares this song a method of torture, unfit for common decency; hell I wouldn’t wish it on Corn Pop.”
At press time, one military interrogation specialist was removing “Fancy Like” and adding the old standby “Country Girl (Shake it For Me)” to his “ISIS Dance Party” playlist on Spotify.