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Feculence

Country Music Fan Hospitalized After Online Gatekeeping Incident

Orly Perkins, before the life-altering gatekeeping

An Arkansas country music fan is in stable condition with multiple injuries to his feelings after an online gatekeeping incident. When a despicable meme making fun of his favorite singer crossed his timeline, Orly Perkins of Crawfordsville fell into a trigger induced coma on the spot, highlighting the dangers of gate-keeping.

Speaking from his West Memphis hospital bed, Perkins ran down the troubling attack to us. “Yeah man, I don’t ever go on Facebook except for my political news, but I was reading about fluoride making us all gay, when all of the sudden this meme making fun of Morgan Wallen showed up. I don’t even follow this “Fart the Music” guy so why am I seeing this loser?” he explained.

“Why anyone would spend their time trying to get me to stop listening to the G.O.A.T. is beyond me, and I immediately fell off my chair, liberals would call it a panic attack, but it was worse than that,” continued Perkins. “Gatekeeping almost killed me and should be outlawed!”

Perkins’ tragic situation is a real-world example of the dangers of controlling and limiting general access to something, including art and music. Farce the Music, the website and Facebook page in question, regularly “jokes” about great artists and forces people to stop listening to them. Under the veil of “satire,” Mr. Farce coerces fans of legendary singers like Thomas Rhett and Jason Aldean to listen to artists no one has ever heard of, like Turnpike Troubadours.

Orly Perkins has retained legal counsel in the wake of his severe injuries and plans to sue Farce the Music for medical costs, loss of work (Perkins is a copper wire harvester), and mental damages. “I’ve literally never heard a single other human call Morgan’s music or character into question, so clearly this farce guy was attempting to pressure me into listening to Waylon Jinks, or whoever. The shock nearly did me in. I’ll see his ass in court.” said Perkins.

At press time, Farce the Music was hard at work inducing 20-somethings into thinking Zach Bryan’s songs all sound alike.

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