Farce the Music: John Conlee

Aug 31, 2022

Country Music Fantasy Football Team Names 2022

Haven't done these in a while so here we go, with help from Twitter pals. The ones not attributed are by yours truly, Trailer.

There Stands the Kupp

The Night They Drove McCaffrey Down

Jerry Reed Options @Misery_n_Gin

Cross Canadian Football League @lhcountryboy

Feathered Commanders

Shotgun Willie @ReadWatchDo

Why Ja’Marr in Here Looking Like That

Touchdown Troubadours @theadamdrake

Why Brady Why

Punt Flicker Pass @JWOutlaw13

Wagon Wheel Route (Adam Drake)

Lost Dak Street Band @TreyBlair33

Mike Evans & The Moonpies (Trey)

Turnpike Goin' For Twobadours @brianmather

Sunday Night Blues

Mammas Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Deshaun Watson @FriendDevin

All the Gould in California

The Cody Wolves @Robberino

Cast No Picks

Delta Down @JonMDanforth

The Charles Wesley Go Routes @wilkins63

If Dick Butkus is Up, Why Am I Down

Lynyrd Pigskynyrd @DavidJoy_Author

Lost on 30 Akers

Shenandoah Checkdown @JArnoldTAMU85

Are You Sure Lombardi Done It This Way (Adam Drake)

Jason IsBall @RCHoyt34

Tonight the Waddle Let Me Down

Streets of Lambeaufield @thatjohnhammond

Houston Oilers Marchman (LH Country Boy)

Sweet Dreams (of a W) @JenJenMichelle

I Will Make You Hurts

Wichita Offensive Lineman @ShawnC96WL

Drive-By Justin Tuckers (Shawn)

The Rita Ballou 42s @The_Reliant

Deebo & Lefty

Matt Stafford & The 400 Unit @mrbalusek

Townes Van Slant @knotts632

Kittle Bitty

Muscadine First Down Line @Western_Grunge

Chase Daniels, If You Please

Grieving, I’m a Jets Fan

Oct 7, 2020

Top 10 Biggest Jerks in 80s Country

Let’s dispense with the introductory paragraph. You know the deal by now. Jerks!

10. William Lee Golden (of the Oak Ridge Boys)

Had women who touched his beard arrested. When fans requested for him to ‘say something!’ In his deep voice, he just whispers “I’m not the deep voiced one, dumbass.”

9. John Conlee

The former mortician talked about embalming bodies in great detail between songs in concert. Refused to perform “Rose Colored Glasses” until all the women on the front row showed their boobs.

8. Juice Newton

First person to utter “country music has to evolve.” Once spit her gum in Crystal Gayle’s hair.

7. Lee Greenwood

Would only go onstage if he was announced as “His excellency, the most patriotic American to have ever lived.” Chews loudly; can’t stand the sound of other people chewing.

6. Hank Jr.

Hit on women with the line “Do you wanna be one of my rowdy friends?” Performed exactly 2 songs sober during the whole decade (this may be true). Used bandmates shirts when the tour bus ran out of toilet paper.

5. Rosanne Cash

Insisted on driving her own tour bus so she could tailgate Yugos. Dipped during interviews. Tour rider sheet only said “I’m not going to tell you; you should just know.”

4. Mark Miller (of Sawyer Brown)

Frequently trashed his hotel room and had to be reminded that he owned the bus he was sleeping in. Came on stage with a forty ounce and threw the bottle into the crowd when it was finished. Sang a dirty version of “Out Goin’ Cattin’” if he noticed lots of kids in the audience.

3. Mickey Gilley

Rode the bull at his bar on ‘easy’ level, but claimed to be the champ. Constantly clicked his pen at business meetings. Called George Strait a “Mickey Gilley wannabe” to his face.

2. Janie Fricke

Referred to herself as the “Frickin’ Queen of Country.” Never returned casserole dishes she borrowed. Sprayed the crowd with Bartles & Jaymes wine coolers during her encore. Tipped hairstylists with unsold merch.

1. John Schneider

Open hand slapped a fan who said “for a country singer, you’re a pretty good actor.” In real life, always drove way under the speed limit. Ate Funyuns before every face to face interview. Accused Waylon of riding his coattails. Anyone he considered less attractive than him was instructed to maintain a 6 foot distance.