Top 10 Things You'll Never Hear a Jason Aldean Fan Say

By Trailer and Jeremy Harris

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10. I’ve decided to take the light bars off my truck because 

they're causing other drivers to have difficulty seeing.

09. Take that Trump Bible off your Christmas list son; 

a regular King James will suffice.

08. Sorry I took up too many spaces in the Petco parking lot. I hope I didn’t cause too much inconvenience. I’ll watch myself in the future.

07. Yes officer, I do know why you pulled me over.

06. No it doesn’t itch

05. Of course I like Tyler Childers; I’d never let political or societal differences keep me from enjoying the music I want to listen to.

4. Women should have the right to…

03. You’re my cousin?? We have to stop this immediately.

02. You know, I'm not voting for her, but Kamala

is actually making a few good points.

01. Sorry the child support was late this month; 

I added a couple hundred for your troubles.

Better Names for the Jason Aldean / Kid Rock Tour

 By Trailer and Jeremy

MABA: Make America Bro Again

Staphcoach

Wallet Chains & Undie Stains

Rock the Smells

Make the N-Word Said Again Tour

The Junk Drawer Tour

Try That in a Stadium

Rock the Country Grammar

Divorced Dads Across America

Lollapaloser

We Rocking With Nelly Cuz He Rocking With Us

FireballFest

Oozefest

Gathering of the Parolees

Bloatella

2013 Foreverfest

Oh No Miranda What Is You Doin’?

Gathering of the Imbeciles

roQ the Country

Gonnorhearoo

Tribal Tats & Flatbill Caps

Lot Lizardpalooza

American Fatass Tour

Bros, Hoes, and Squaretoes

*Douchella already exists

Fudge Rounds

 By Jeremy Harris - direct all anger at him please

Top 10 Questions People Ask Morgan Wallen Fans

By Jeremy and Trailer

10. Do you know why I pulled you over?

9. Is it necessary to duct tape over the Bud Light logo on the can?

8. Can you explain this 6 year employment gap?

7. Sir, did you pay for that?

6. I know you spent $1,200 on Wallen tickets but could you please pay your rent this week?

5. Could you please leave, ma'am? This is a library… with books. Morgan went to The Library, a bar.

4. Do you understand the rights I have just read to you?

3. How do you feel about Morgan Wallen’s best song being written by a liberal?

2. Do you know about… other music?

1. Could you go pee in this cup?

Top 10 Things Morgan Wallen Fans Want for Christmas

 By Jeremy Harris and Trailer

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10. Dismissal of their public intoxication charges

9. Joy (Joy is their third cousin, not “a feeling of great happiness”)

8. Mullet grooming kit

7. A “white” Christmas

6. Some extra Sudafed for their “sinus” issues

5. To graduate with the rest of their buddies on the bass fishing team

4. LED lights for the bumper, the mirrors, the roof, the wheel wells, everywhere… so the front of their truck can burn with the light of a million suns and blind oncoming traffic three counties away

3. For the front-squatted truck to become the new fad

2. Jason Isbell to write another heartfelt song they’ll never hear him sing live

1. A black friend, so they can say they have a black friend

Top 10 Things More Likely Than Sam Hunt Releasing a Real Country Song

Remember that time Sam Hunt was gonna release a country song, but then he just released his usual kind of song with a sample of a real country song mixed in? Here are ten things more likely than Sam Hunt releasing a song we all agree is really country.

10. Your aunt actually wins that RV she keeps reposting about on Facebook.

9. Justin Moore takes a leak without standing on a potty stool.

8. A Nigerian prince sends you 3.2 million dollars.

7. The Simpsons stop predicting things correctly.

6. Ifs and buts become candy and nuts.

5. Gary Levox, hardcore porn star. 

4. Donald Trump releases his tax returns. Joe Biden admits he’s uncertain which city he’s in.

3. Kane Brown successfully completes a corn maze.

2. Hank Sr stops rolling in his grave.

1. New York Jets: Super Bowl LV champs.

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By Trailer & Jeremy Harris

Little Known Facts: Christmas 2019 Edition

Sitting on Charlie Daniels’ lap and telling him what 

you want for Christmas really pisses him off. 

According to Santa’s Naughty and Nice List, Jason “Rowdy” Cope 

of The Steel Woods isn’t rowdy at all.

Shooter Jennings announced a spring tour and is looking forward to hitting the 

road to unwind after another winter of making toys for good boys and girls.

Blind Item: 30-50 feral hogs stole a popular Americana band’s van 

and gear trailer in certain southeastern Texas city.

Freezing temps across the country have caused Luke Bryan’s pants to fit better, 

but he is now battling chapped lips.

Mitchell Tenpenny is the first artist in a new country sub-genre: Incel Country.

With 2019 coming to an end I decided to check in with Colt Ford and 

his resolution to no longer suck. Failing for 50 weeks and counting.

The real issue is that there isn’t a war on “The Christmas Shoes.”

Kane Brown is beter then you’re favorite country sinjer. 

~this fact guest-written by a Kane Brown fan.

Florida Georgia Line’s FGL House features a reverse toy drive where employees 

go to hospitals and orphanages in Nashville and take take toys from the children.

Thomas Rhett cheerful story blah blah good news happy blah.

Starbucks compensated Jason Isbell for not changing his twitter name to IsBELLS this year by sending him a free nonfat, vanilla, soy latte with espresso shot once a week until March. (<—This fact requires too much referential minutia for the average person to get it, but I left it in so you can make fun of Jeremy for writing it. ~Trailer)

I went to see Luke Combs the other day. He said I needed wipers and a cabin air filter.

Gary Levox had a recent trip to the dentist because he confused 

the coal in his stocking for chocolate covered cherries.

Taylor Swift researched her role for Cats by being an actual crazy cat lady.

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Most of these by Jeremy Harris - a few by Trailer

Little Known Facts Makes Its Glorious Return

Insane Clown Posse plans on releasing their entire catalog as country albums in 2019. There will be no changes or remixing done.

Shooter Jennings recently hit the big 4-0 which is a big deal since he was only 3 feet, 11 inches earlier in the year.

Due to him neglecting it while spending so much time on the road and at the beach, Kenny Chesney’s tractor is no longer considered sexy.

Zac Brown’s new rap song has reportedly coaxed hours of valuable information out of terrorists at Guantanamo Bay.

78% of all blacked out names in the Mueller Report were Steve Earle.

Famed Bigfoot hunter Eric Tipton has decided there isn’t enough challenge in looking for the elusive creature and now devotes his time to searching for women on the country music charts.

Jordan Davis’ beard is kind of like Samson’s hair in that it is hair on the head of someone who doesn’t sing country music. 

John Rich was one of the crowd favorites at a recent Nashville songwriting expo after he was a last minute substitution for the scheduled janitor that called in sick. 

Americana is sometimes called “country music for liberals” because much like liberalism, it proclaims gender equality but is mostly run by old white dudes. 

Constantly posting on Facebook about his weight loss vitamins is why John Anderson is the black sheep of his family. 

As a child, Russell Dickerson once got his head stuck in a toilet paper roll. 

I have never heard “Old Town Road” and will remove the genitalia of the first person that changes that.

Kane Brown coming on country radio is the equivalent of the auto flushing toilet pulling the paper seat cover down the drain before you are seated.

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Most of these are by Jeremy Harris; a few are by Trailer.