10 Things That Sound Better Than an Hour of Mainstream Country Radio

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10. “Call us regarding your pending preapproval for a personal or line of credit. You are prequalified for loan $65,000 based on your credit profile…”

9. Honey we need to talk

8. Jason Isbell’s “White Man’s World” playing loudly at an event where you’re the only white male

7. Doctor: “We’re going to have to remove the left one”

6. Jason Aldean’s “Strip It Down” starts playing while you’re getting a massage from a woman with a phlegmy cough

*this is AI slop

5. Every chapter of R Kelly’s “Trapped In the Closet” remixed by P Diddy ft. Drake

4. “We have been trying to reach you about the extended warranty on your Chevrolet Tahoe”

*this is also AI slop

3. RFK Jr. covering Dolly’s “I Will Always Love You”

2. Jelly Roll and Bunny walk over from across the bar “We saw you standing over here and we're digging your vibe…”

1. Luke Bryan narrating a children’s book about the birds & the bees

Top 10 Things Morgan Wallen Fans Want for Christmas

 By Jeremy Harris and Trailer

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10. Dismissal of their public intoxication charges

9. Joy (Joy is their third cousin, not “a feeling of great happiness”)

8. Mullet grooming kit

7. A “white” Christmas

6. Some extra Sudafed for their “sinus” issues

5. To graduate with the rest of their buddies on the bass fishing team

4. LED lights for the bumper, the mirrors, the roof, the wheel wells, everywhere… so the front of their truck can burn with the light of a million suns and blind oncoming traffic three counties away

3. For the front-squatted truck to become the new fad

2. Jason Isbell to write another heartfelt song they’ll never hear him sing live

1. A black friend, so they can say they have a black friend

Top 10 Things Dan + Shay Fans are Thankful For This Year

10. That Babs didn’t use too much seasoning on the boiled chicken at the supper party last night

9. That Dan + Shay didn’t play the CMA’s so they didn’t have to accidentally hear any twang, fiddles, or steel guitars this year

8. That vodka is the same color as water

7. That their neighbors who listened to rap music and grilled on the front porch moved out

6. 20% discounts at the loaded tea place because they forced their son to work there

5. That their name isn’t actually Karen, because that would be too on the nose

4. That both Dan and Shay are happily married; they were concerned they might be gay so they’d have to stop liking them

3. That Jerry got the Christmas bonus early so they can book their 29th Disney vacation for next year

2. That wooden decorative signs with cliches on them are 50% off at Hobby Lobby this week

1. That their husband agreed to stop listening to scary Cody Childers or Waylon Haggard music in the house after the threat of no nookie

Top 12 Signs a Texas Country Singer Isn’t Really From Texas

~ Trailer, with big help from Rich O’Toole

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12. When he covers “Screw You, We’re From Texas,” he just lets the crowd sing the word ‘Texas'

11. Thinks you’re talking about Lebron James when you mention the king

10. Actually enjoys Lone Star Beer

9. Dad owns a financial firm in Little Rock

8. Makes up a lie that it’s how they did it in (makes up Texas small town) when somebody calls them out for putting beans in chili

7. Follows Rich O’Toole on Twitter

6. Just nods along when band talks about kolaches because he thinks that’s a wooden dancing shoe that the Swedish wear or some shit

5. Still thinks Pat Green is famous

4. Wears a straw hat in winter

3. Books a Friday show in Houston and a Saturday show in El Paso because “it’s the same state, how far can it be?”

2. Rhymes ‘Bexar’ with Lexar in a song

1. Calls Jerry Jeff Walker …Jerry Jeff Walker

Top 10 Things You Might See at a Five Finger Death Punch / Brantley Gilbert Concert

Five Finger Death Punch and Brantley Gilbert are going on tour. 

For real. Here are the top ten things you might see if you went.

10. Everybody mad dogging each other instead of watching the show

9. Many neckbeards, but few necks

8. Nobody singing along because somebody might call them gay for singing

7. Punisher tattoos

6. Roid gut

5. A camel clutch wrestling hold executed to perfection

4. 7 women, all working at concession stands

3. Really aggressive t-shirts with way too many words on them

2. Hundreds, maybe thousands, of fists bruised from punching walls

1. People in the 1% of worst music taste in America

Bonus thing: Several heartwarming reunions of cops and the people they arrested

Top 10 Ways Hick-Hop Fans Are Saving Money During This Inflation

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10. Citrus Drop instead of Mountain Dew for the baby’s bottle

9. Generic illegal prescription pills

8. Only going mudding four times a month

7. Turning their underwear inside out after a couple days for a few more days of wear

6. Building up tolerance to taste of unleaded so they can syphon more

5. Making their own t-shirts at home

4. Stealing mufflers AND catalytic converters

3. Just letting the herpes fester; it ain’t going away anyway

2. Cutting their meth with 10% more baking soda

(it’s good for your teeth!)

1. Leaving Cousin Grandpa in jail this time instead of bailing him out

Top 10 Farm Preparations for Luke Bryan’s Farm Tour

 10. Convert the cattle troughs into vomit troughs

9. Be ready to write off the sod field on taxes; all those new boots will destroy it completely

8. Move cattle to farthest pasture; even dumb animals don’t deserve to hear that music

7. Leave the electric fence turned on in areas bros might sneak off to pee

6. Replace all “No Trespassing” signs with speakers saying the words over and over; Luke fans can’t read

5. Fence off the ponds so no little Luke Bryan fans will be created there

4. Haul in lots of gravel for muddy parking areas; you don’t want any of those idiots stuck on your farm any longer than necessary

3. Hire local bikers who hate pop-country as security

2. Make sure to rent extra wi-fi towers; Luke fans are more interested in filming TikToks than actually watching the concert

1. Hide the sheep and goats

Top 10 Headlines Taste of Country Hasn’t Posted Yet

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10. Scott McCreery enjoys a round of Scrabble with his wife

9. Brantley Gilbert reveals which gun tattoo his kids will get first

8. Remember when Shania Twain busted her ass at the CMT Awards?

7. Thomas Rhett saves a turtle stuck in the road

6. Adorable! Gabby Barrett shows off her Easter outfit

5. Remember when Walker Hayes hit #1 with “Fancy Like?”

4. Luke Bryan accidentally pranks Luke Bryan on American Idol

3. Remember when we were a reputable source for country music news? Neither do we.

2. Keith Urban seen staring lovingly up at wife Nicole Kidman

1. Sam Hunt reveals his favorite attributes in a mistress

Top 10 Things You’ll Never Hear a Dan + Shay Fan Say

10. Yes, I’ll take the extra spicy chicken. And put some hot sauce in the bag

9. Sad songs make me happy

8. What’s the point of a gender reveal party? Just send everyone a nice card after you find out

7. The country music on the radio these days is just so bereft of depth and authenticity

6. I don’t think I’ll post the pics from our third trip to Disney World this year on Facebook or Instagram. It’s a bit much

5. No, you go to the Junior League fashion show without me

4. Is that Waylon Jennings, man? Well turn it up!

3. It’s cool that you brought your extended family who happen to be of Puerto Rican decent to our gated community’s pool. Of course I won’t call the police

2. Yes, this is wine, officer. You should arrest me and not take into account that my husband is a lawyer and a big wig on the school board

1. No, I don’t need to speak to the manager

Top 10 Traits for Getting a Country Record Deal 2022

10. A built in audience of TikTok fans you duped into thinking you were talented

9. A gym membership

8. Generic, character-free male country voice

7. Willingness to be an opening act forever (females)

6. Willingness to be a headliner with your own bus right out of the gate (males)

5. Ability to politely say nothing with many words, when asked about a serious topic in an interview

4. Strong knowledge of hair care techniques, including advanced shampoo and condition, heat protection, volumizer, mousse, and shine serum

3. Have large or new family and only talk about them ever and nothing else

2. Musical inspirations must include at least 3 of the following: 21 Pilots, John Mayer, Lil Wayne, Drake, Ariana Grande, Sugar Ray, Kanye, Keith Urban, Imagine Dragons, Taylor Swift (pop era).

1. Be boring as dry dog shit

Top 10 Things Brantley Gilbert Fans Are Spending Their Tax Refunds On 2022

10. A blood transfusion for the hookworm

9. Put $1500 on Roman Reigns to unify the titles at Wrestlemania

8. Soundcloud Pro Unlimited subscription for their NASCAR themed hick-hop group

7. Pay the painter to finish the Marjorie Taylor Greene mural on the trailer

6. One of those little pill counting thingies pharmacists have

5. Alt-right NFTs

4. Surely there’s something left to add lights to on the pickup truck

3. Swingers’ vacation to Myrtle Beach with wife who is also aunt* 

2. Upgrade cock-fighting arena

1. Gas. Hell, who isn’t? 

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*satire - not suggesting the two people in the picture are related*