Top 10 Ways to Be the “Next Big Thing” in Country/Americana

By Jeremy Harris and Trailer

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10. Stop showering

9. Sound like Morgan Wallen

8. Have a throaty growl that sounds like you’re getting over a sinus infection

7. Get nominated for a Best New Artist award 7 years into your career

6. Only drink beer brewed within 20 miles of your home county 

5. Mention Ohio in your song but live 1 state south of there

4. Sound like Tyler Childers

3. Get a shout-out from Jay Potta

2. Grow a mustache that suggests you lost a bet

1. Sound like Zach Bryan

Bonus from Country Universe:

Be rumored to be dating Morgan Wallen

Top 10 Questions People Ask Morgan Wallen Fans

By Jeremy and Trailer

10. Do you know why I pulled you over?

9. Is it necessary to duct tape over the Bud Light logo on the can?

8. Can you explain this 6 year employment gap?

7. Sir, did you pay for that?

6. I know you spent $1,200 on Wallen tickets but could you please pay your rent this week?

5. Could you please leave, ma'am? This is a library… with books. Morgan went to The Library, a bar.

4. Do you understand the rights I have just read to you?

3. How do you feel about Morgan Wallen’s best song being written by a liberal?

2. Do you know about… other music?

1. Could you go pee in this cup?

Top 10 Ways to Become an Americana Singer

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10. Have a moderately popular rock, hardcore, or punk band in your 20s then turn 30

09. Move to East Nashville; stop bathing

08. Stand in front of mirror and say “I ain’t no part of nothin’”

07. Quit heroin

06. Be the offspring of a country music or folk legend

05. Be born named Colt, Colter, Cody, or Zach

04. Drink the water in Kentucky, apparently

03. Be either a hater of all political views or an outspoken lefty, there is no in-between

02. Be a Townes Van Zandt fan who majored in poetry and knows how to play a few chords; get fired from your job at one of the following: train depot / co-op / ranch / hardware store / horse farm.

01. Get face and/or neck and/or knuckle tattoos

Top 10 Things Morgan Wallen Fans Want for Christmas

 By Jeremy Harris and Trailer

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10. Dismissal of their public intoxication charges

9. Joy (Joy is their third cousin, not “a feeling of great happiness”)

8. Mullet grooming kit

7. A “white” Christmas

6. Some extra Sudafed for their “sinus” issues

5. To graduate with the rest of their buddies on the bass fishing team

4. LED lights for the bumper, the mirrors, the roof, the wheel wells, everywhere… so the front of their truck can burn with the light of a million suns and blind oncoming traffic three counties away

3. For the front-squatted truck to become the new fad

2. Jason Isbell to write another heartfelt song they’ll never hear him sing live

1. A black friend, so they can say they have a black friend

Top 10 Things Dan + Shay Fans are Thankful For This Year

10. That Babs didn’t use too much seasoning on the boiled chicken at the supper party last night

9. That Dan + Shay didn’t play the CMA’s so they didn’t have to accidentally hear any twang, fiddles, or steel guitars this year

8. That vodka is the same color as water

7. That their neighbors who listened to rap music and grilled on the front porch moved out

6. 20% discounts at the loaded tea place because they forced their son to work there

5. That their name isn’t actually Karen, because that would be too on the nose

4. That both Dan and Shay are happily married; they were concerned they might be gay so they’d have to stop liking them

3. That Jerry got the Christmas bonus early so they can book their 29th Disney vacation for next year

2. That wooden decorative signs with cliches on them are 50% off at Hobby Lobby this week

1. That their husband agreed to stop listening to scary Cody Childers or Waylon Haggard music in the house after the threat of no nookie

Top 10 Things You Might See at a Five Finger Death Punch / Brantley Gilbert Concert

Five Finger Death Punch and Brantley Gilbert are going on tour. 

For real. Here are the top ten things you might see if you went.

10. Everybody mad dogging each other instead of watching the show

9. Many neckbeards, but few necks

8. Nobody singing along because somebody might call them gay for singing

7. Punisher tattoos

6. Roid gut

5. A camel clutch wrestling hold executed to perfection

4. 7 women, all working at concession stands

3. Really aggressive t-shirts with way too many words on them

2. Hundreds, maybe thousands, of fists bruised from punching walls

1. People in the 1% of worst music taste in America

Bonus thing: Several heartwarming reunions of cops and the people they arrested

Top 10 Ways Hick-Hop Fans Are Saving Money During This Inflation

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10. Citrus Drop instead of Mountain Dew for the baby’s bottle

9. Generic illegal prescription pills

8. Only going mudding four times a month

7. Turning their underwear inside out after a couple days for a few more days of wear

6. Building up tolerance to taste of unleaded so they can syphon more

5. Making their own t-shirts at home

4. Stealing mufflers AND catalytic converters

3. Just letting the herpes fester; it ain’t going away anyway

2. Cutting their meth with 10% more baking soda

(it’s good for your teeth!)

1. Leaving Cousin Grandpa in jail this time instead of bailing him out

Top 10 New Year's Resolutions for Koe Wetzel Fans

Top 10 New Year’s Resolutions for Koe Wetzel Fans

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10. Get serious for their 9th year of community college

9. Complete the full collection of Pit Vipers

8. Get a tattoo to cover up that seemingly permanent groin rash

7. Get LED bars put on both jet skis

6. Continue boycotting those motherf***king b***hes at the p***y ass Great Texas Balloon Race

5. Not wear wife beater to the job interview next time

4. See the doctor about this dark yellow pee

3. Not get anybody pregnant at LTJ fest this year

2. Wrestlemania. Jerry World. Both nights.

1. Jack Daniels, Taco Bell, Hangover + raging shits, Repeat

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~By Trailer with some input from someone who could dance that slow Uvalde shuffle

Top 10 Things Morgan Wallen Fans are Thankful for This Year

10. That mainstream country is so bad, Morgan sounds almost like Hank Jr. in comparison

9. That “Let’s Go Morgan” kinda sounds like “Let’s Go Brandon”

8. Thanks to Autofill, you only have to remember how to spell your name once

7. That the mullet trend has outlasted its welcome (they’ve had once since pre-k)

6. That their digestive system has finally healed after that ‘drinking bleach’ incident

5. High inflation makes stolen catalytic converters more valuable

4. The burn scars from dropping a frozen turkey in the fryer last year are finally fading

3. The “Carolina squat” is only banned in the Carolinas

2. That they aren’t famous enough to have their racial slur videos made public

1. McRib is back

Top 10 Things Morgan Wallen Fans are Also Fans Of

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10. Cutting across three lanes on the interstate in their Carolina squatted pickup truck so they don’t miss their exit for the vape shop

9. Business in front, party in the back

8. Complaining about the health dangers of wearing a mask while vaping and downing their 6th White Claw

7. Saying that word around their friends and cutting their eyes at the mixed race guy to see if he’s mad

6. Screaming profanities at their boyfriend in his Carolina squatted pickup truck in the parking lot beside Sonic on Friday nights

5. Calling people who don’t like Morgan’s music libtards

4. “Collecting” copper wiring

3. Hunting out of season

2. Acting indignant that rappers can say that word even though that’s all they’ve been listening to in their Carolina squatted pickup truck

1. Pretending they were Morgan Wallen fans before February 2021