Turds of a Feather

10 Things That Sound Better Than an Hour of Mainstream Country Radio

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10. “Call us regarding your pending preapproval for a personal or line of credit. You are prequalified for loan $65,000 based on your credit profile…”

9. Honey we need to talk

8. Jason Isbell’s “White Man’s World” playing loudly at an event where you’re the only white male

7. Doctor: “We’re going to have to remove the left one”

6. Jason Aldean’s “Strip It Down” starts playing while you’re getting a massage from a woman with a phlegmy cough

*this is AI slop

5. Every chapter of R Kelly’s “Trapped In the Closet” remixed by P Diddy ft. Drake

4. “We have been trying to reach you about the extended warranty on your Chevrolet Tahoe”

*this is also AI slop

3. RFK Jr. covering Dolly’s “I Will Always Love You”

2. Jelly Roll and Bunny walk over from across the bar “We saw you standing over here and we're digging your vibe…”

1. Luke Bryan narrating a children’s book about the birds & the bees

In the Year 2030: Predictions for Luke Bryan, FGL, etc.

Tyler Hubbard, having blown through $156 million earned during his FGL days, 

takes a job more suited for his skills - guessing fair-goers weights and ages

Singers, songwriters, and musicians now pay music fans to listen to their singles and albums

Parmalee still releasing singles from 2013 album

Jason Aldean's fifth wife takes half his remaining estate in their divorce 

(3 Miller Lites, a subscription to hugejugs.xxx, and a faux vintage Skynyrd t-shirt)

Tyler Farr parks his minivan on his ex-wife's lawn and throws empty craft beer bottles at her window

R Kelly still peeing on people, but now because he is unable to control his bladder

Queen Swift of the UN Worldstate Council has all the music bloggers

who used to make fun of her voice beheaded on live television

Brad Paisley now writing goofy-ass songs about Metamucil, 

retirement funds, and erectile dysfunction

Kenny Chesney has trouble visiting the beach with his old blue walker

Keith Richards cuts back to a pack of cigarettes a day

Casey Donahew Band plots reunion tour. 35-50 year old bros

throughout Texas and Oklahoma brush up on fist-pumping skills

Sam Hunt custom orders Hitler-youth-hairstyle toupé

Every single attendee at summer country music festival arrested for something or other

Colt Ford still doesn't have any hits

Luke Bryan found destitute and crack-addicted in an Atlanta alley, 

clutching a frayed pair of skinny jeans

If Dallas Davidson Had Written These Country Classics

Guitars, Cadillacs

And it's DJs, Chevys jacked, EDM music
Muddy, muddy fields that my tires roam
Yeah, my DJs, Chevys jacked, EDM music
And sexting hotties pictures of my dong

 

Old Dogs, Children and Watermelon Wine

Old trucks drive you round the square even when you're drunk as hell
God bless little cutoffs them girls are shakin' so well
That's pretty much the deepest stuff that's ever on my mind
Yeah old trucks and cutoffs and Kroger cherry shine

 

King of the Road

Raptor with chromed out vents
Custom seat - leather bench
Bluetooth and intake kit
Brand new Powerplant winch
Yo, it's..four hundred horses strong
Drive your girl right out of her thong
I'm the man drivin' with a lean
King of the bros

 

Forever and Ever Amen

If you wonder how long we'll be grindin'
Well, just crank up R Kelly's 12 Play
I'm gonna tap it for minutes, and minutes and minutes, lil bae

 

Hello Darlin'

What's up baby
How you doin'?
Those jeans sure are tight
So shake that money
Like I love to see

Have a cold one
Are you horny
Like I am tonight
Drop the tailgate
And play some Aldean

Matt Stillwell Returns with "Ignition"

Hmm... I wouldn't have expected this.