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Jul 23, 2021
Brad Paisley fan Jerry Potenza just returned to the merchandise stand for a second Brad Paisley t-shirt. “It’s to hide the swamp ass,” laughed Potenza, happily shelling out another $38 for a 3 XL black shirt with our country guitar hero shredding on the front and tour dates on the back. His wife was in possession of his other identical but size large t-shirt as well as a yard tall margarita.
After purchasing the second overpriced shirt, Potenza slipped into the bathroom and changed into it from his too-short-to-hide-the-expanding-sweat-pool-on-the-ass-of-his-cargo-shorts Columbia fishing shirt. “Ah that’s better,” he exhaled. “Why they chose to have a concert outdoors in Mississippi in July is beyond me.”
With the thermometer still in the 80s and the humidity at 95% even at almost 9 PM, Potenza’s nether regions became a sauna and then a kiddie pool and then a reservoir of perspiration as he sat through openers Kameron Marlowe and Jimmie Allen. Now that he’s ready to stand up and shout along to songs like “I’m Gonna Miss Her” and “Online,” Jerry needs to be presentable to the people in the row behind him.
“I don’t know them from Adam… well, that lady may go to my church but anyway, I may never see those people again, but that’s no reason to display the grayish stain spreading across the back middle seam of my St. John’s Bay khaki cargos to them.” he explained.
Other concert goers reported similar issues as their pants, shorts, skirts, and jeans showed the clear signs of what happens when buttocks are in contact with seats in sweltering conditions. Many made the same trip to the merch booth as Jerry, but other less self conscious folks just let their moist freak flags fly. “It’s swamp ass for days,” laughed fellow show enjoyer Leslie Proctor. “Who cares? I’m druuuunnnnk.”
At press time, Potenza was experiencing another unfortunate heat-related issue as his man parts refused to unstick from his leg.