Showing posts with label In the Year 2030. Show all posts
Showing posts with label In the Year 2030. Show all posts

Oct 1, 2015

In the Year 2030: Predictions for Luke Bryan, FGL, etc.

Tyler Hubbard, having blown through $156 million earned during his FGL days, 
takes a job more suited for his skills - guessing fair-goers weights and ages

Singers, songwriters, and musicians now pay music fans to listen to their singles and albums

Parmalee still releasing singles from 2013 album

Jason Aldean's fifth wife takes half his remaining estate in their divorce 
(3 Miller Lites, a subscription to, and a faux vintage Skynyrd t-shirt)

Tyler Farr parks his minivan on his ex-wife's lawn and throws empty craft beer bottles at her window

R Kelly still peeing on people, but now because he is unable to control his bladder

Queen Swift of the UN Worldstate Council has all the music bloggers
who used to make fun of her voice beheaded on live television

Brad Paisley now writing goofy-ass songs about Metamucil, 
retirement funds, and erectile dysfunction

Kenny Chesney has trouble visiting the beach with his old blue walker

Keith Richards cuts back to a pack of cigarettes a day

Casey Donahew Band plots reunion tour. 35-50 year old bros
throughout Texas and Oklahoma brush up on fist-pumping skills

Sam Hunt custom orders Hitler-youth-hairstyle toupé

Every single attendee at summer country music festival arrested for something or other

Colt Ford still doesn't have any hits

Luke Bryan found destitute and crack-addicted in an Atlanta alley, 
clutching a frayed pair of skinny jeans

Jul 23, 2013

In the Year 2030: July '13

Scott Borchetta again pimping the latest late-teens country-pop ingenue
and it's way creepier than ever.

Blackjack Billy enjoy a case of Old Milwaukee and fondly
recall that time they put an album out 17 years ago.

Number 1 country song is the hip-hop anthem "Slut-ass Hoe" which wasn't
even released to country radio but gained interest because the rapper casually
mentioned being from the south in the lyrics.

Shooter Jennings/Triggerman feud enters its 20th year with no sign of a truce.

A retired Ronnie Dunn lists his career regrets as follows: breaking up B&D,
that rap song in 2013, and that EDM album in 2014.

Trucks banned for environmental reasons. 
Country radio shuts down until songwriters can regroup.

Hunter Hayes' career comes to an end when his voice finally changes.

Shinedown's third country album goes double platinum.

Rascal Flatts plan reunion tour, to the delight of caterers across America.

Aging Brantley Gilbert fans dismayed to find that their sagging
BG tattoos now resemble the word "butt" in cursive.

May 6, 2013

In The Year 2030 #9

Florida-Georgia Line reunion plans go awry when Autotuner
won't agree to the financial terms of the new contract

Taylor Swift has a "Cougar" ankle tattoo and still dates 20-something celebrities

Garth Brooks' Branson Rodeo shuts down for three months after
Brooks breaks a hip dismounting from his "flight" cables

Curb Records sues Tim McGraw for the 124th time

Luke Bryan's skin tight jeans are now worn pulled up over his belly button

Brantley Gilbert and Jana Kramer celebrate their 17th year of marriage. 
Haha, just kidding... Brantley files for divorce from his sixth wife, stripper Lucy Andrews.

Hunter Hayes, still unable to grow a full beard, named CMA Artist of the Decade

Chris Brown's third country album, Sometimes Love Hits You Like That, certified double platinum

Charlie Worsham arrested in Las Vegas for solicitation of a prostitute, 
threatening an officer, and possession of 12 grams of crack cocaine

Colt Ford gets sick and tired of people in the bar yelling out requests. 
Unfortunately, he's the bartender and must fulfill their orders or lose his job

Mar 13, 2012

In the Year 2030 #8

Top country songs now pine for the "good ol' days" of throwing eggs in the suburbs, playing Wii and listening to Jason Aldean in SUVs.

Mullet returns to prominence as favored men's hairstyle. Despite this, Billy Ray Cyrus still not considered cool.

Former Wrangler spokesperson Jason Aldean now sponsored by Sansabelt.

Gucci Mane gets laser removal of the ice cream tattoo on his face. Replaces it with equally perplexing roll of toilet paper.

Lady Antebellum, due to the pressures of misguided political correctness, changes their name to Lady Diversity.

Foo Fighters the only remaining rock band in existence. Oh wait, that's already true…

Colt Ford inducted into the Country Music Hall of Fame. Trailer admitted to a mental facility.

Eric Church refuses to take his high blood pressure meds, cementing his status as an outlaw with the over-50 crowd.

Miranda Lambert and Blake Shelton film a Cialis commercial with them "whitetail hunting." 

Taylor Swift buys an island for a summer home. Changes name from Oahu to Sparkle Island.

The still-single Kenny Chesney's autobiography reveals what everyone always suspected about him - he wears sleeveless shirts due to upper arm dermatitis.

Feb 29, 2012

In the Year 2030 #7

The 20th season of The Voice sees Blake Shelton still making drinking jokes; the late Cee-lo Green replaced by his son Dee-lo; that Adam guy still leering at Christina Aguilera's now belly-button level cleavage.

Chad Brock headlines the Country Thrownout Hip Tour with openers Jeff Bates and Andy Griggs.

Thomas Rhett's son (Rhett Akins' grandson) Thomas Akins gets a publishing and recording contract, completely by talent and in no way because his dad and grandfather were in the industry.

Martina McBride spotted drunkenly playing quarter slots at New Orleans casino, wearing a "Dirty Grandma" t-shirt.

Country music experiencing a revival thanks to the "neo-fake-outlaw" movement which credits Eric Church as its godfather.

Impressionable teen listens to Brantley Gilbert album backwards - goes on to cure Herpes, invent tornado-proof mobile homes.

Hank IV signs with Curb Records; stricken from father and grandfather's wills.

Country rap now its own genre with independent Billboard chart. Cowboy Troy runs cutthroat record label loosely modeled after Suge Knight's Death Row.

Lady Gaga photographed by paparrazi entering a Target dressed as somebody who used to be famous.

Casey Donahew Band, biggest selling country group in history breaks up. Melinda Donahew blamed.

Taylor Swift wins CMA Lifetime Achievement Award but is unable to mug the "Taylor shocked face" due to years of botox injections.

Justin Moore becomes a proud grandpa for the first time, frequently sitting on his new grandson's lap to read him stories.

Jan 2, 2011

In the Year 2030 #6

•Bonaroo cuts costs by playing jam band tunes over loud-speakers; burn-outs don't notice

•Toby Keith given ACM lifetime achievement award; due to lack of willing presenters, Academy sets trophy on stage for him to collect for himself

•Person who let the dogs out finally arrested during routine traffic stop

•Black Eyed Peas' song "Uh Yeah Uh" hits #1 on Billboard, setting a record for least number of words in a #1 song (uh yeah uh)

•Ringtones get Grammy category; cell phones held to microphone during "performances"

•Nickelback and Breaking Benjamin era fondly recalled as "back when rock was still good"

•George Strait's latest album certified platinum

•New live video-feed Twitter allows users to see what people/artists they're following are doing with each update; 50 Cent's life proven not to be nearly as interesting as previously thought

•Antique first generation iPod in mint condition sold on eBay for $12,524; returned when found to include Darryl Worley's "Have You Forgotten?"

•Grand Ol' Opry renamed CMA Fest Auditorium

May 23, 2010

In the Year 2030 #5

•Lady Antebellum decries new artists' disconnect from pop-country's roots

•Judge declares clusterf*ck in trial to decide which of 734 family members is entitled to royalties and future earnings from Wu-Tang Clan

•Johnny Cash, 2Pac, Elvis, Garth Brooks all put out albums of previously unreleased material

•Indie music is now mainstream and vice-versa, causing hipsters to embrace music with understandable lyrics, song structure and good vocals; Pitchfork folds

•Chuck Wicks named Brentwood Applebees' June Employee of the Month

•Pop singer Liddy C's cover of The Spice Girls' "Wannabe" proclaimed a staggering masterpiece of pop perfection after she performs it in the nude on VMAs

•Rap-rock makes stunning comeback; "Godfather of Rap Rock" Fred Durst starts Douchefest annual tour

•Lil Wayne given key to city of New Orleans; makes a bong out of it

•Mysterious and hilarious gossip blogger Rita Ballou finally revealed to have been Natalie Maines during Whiskey sour and bon-bon benders

•All concerts now in 3D

•Gary LeVox found dead in a Houston Adam's Mark of apparent chicken cordon bleu overdose

May 10, 2010

In the Year 2030 #4

•Curb Records puts out Tim McGraw's Greatest Hits 14.5

•Forty-something Britney Spears finally given back control of her finances; promptly blows remaining fortune on pink lemonade vodka sours and quarter slots

•Brett Favre retires from football, plans country album

•Pop newcomer just plays Madonna & Lady Gaga songs while she changes clothes and dances provocatively; wins best new artist at American Music Awards

•Lil Jon elected mayor of Atlanta, okaaay

•Beyonce gives birth to 7lb 3oz baby girl, Jayonce Knowles Carter, who is immediately signed to a recording contract

•Classic country stations spin Gloriana, Shania Twain and Jason Aldean

•Terror alert raised to red during Source Awards

•Death metal given Grammy category; 2030's best album winner, Disemboweled Fungus Rape, eats presenter Lars Ulrich onstage during live broadcast

•Brooks & Dunn reunite for the Walker Scoot Boogie tour

•Jamey Johnson breaks hip after nasty spill over his own beard

Apr 21, 2010

In the Year 2030 #3

•Murder rates and crystal meth production in the rural south drop to lowest levels in history; Drive-by Truckers disband

•Kenny Chesney puts out a song about his old blue Craftmatic adjustable bed

•Justin Bieber reaches puberty

•After talking about it for 21 years, Kellie Pickler finally releases a traditional country album

•Ke$ha named Best New Artist at CMAs

•A new genre called funktry fuses 70's funk with 90's style country - cowboy hat and shiny pink glasses clad Bootsy Brooks is its biggest star

•Potheads flock to Willie Nelson's grave for contact high

•Rappers, having run out of clever ways to refer to a woman's posterior, release hit songs with titles like "Jostle Yo Heinie Thang" and "I Want Your Ass Cheeks Against My Crotch While We Dance."

•Keith Richards, the only surviving member of the Rolling Stones, is arrested for possession of cocaine at a London nursing home

•Chinese Democracy 2 released, wheelchair-bound Axl tours with entirely computerized backing band whom he despises

Mar 31, 2010

In the Year 2030 #2

•Contemporary male country singers now name drop Justin Moore, Eric Church and Jason Aldean as proof of their country cred

•King Obama proclaims September National Western Swing Appreciation Month

•Martina McBride killed in 5-hour shootout with Mexican border narcotics officers

•Grunge hip-hop latest musical trend; flannel and bling shortages reported nationwide

•Big Kenny saves 5 refugees from house fire during Costa Rican civil war; John Rich saves flask of Black Label from flipped Land Rover

•Digital music can be downloaded from iTunes by thought to a 3 terabyte chip in the purchaser's temple, bringing new meaning to the phrase "that damn new Flo Rida song is stuck in my head"

•Kristian Bush sues Jennifer Nettles for half her career earnings, despite Sugarland having broken up 17 years prior

•Miley Cyrus' jazz album tanks

•Kings of Leon loses last original fan by covering Bon Jovi's "Have a Nice Day" non-ironically

•Tobacco references banned from ClearChannel; Jake Owen, Jerry Reed catalogue royalties plummet

Mar 24, 2010

In the Year 2030

This is the debut of a brand new series in the spirit of Conan O'Brian's old "In the Year 2000" bits. FTM looks into the cracked crystal ball and tells you what's going on in the world of music (and other things) 20 years from now.

Without further adieu....

In the Year 2030:

•Governor Tim McGraw signs facial hair tax breaks into Louisiana state law

•Autotuner a mentor on latest season of American Idol

•Rising country singer Hank Williams IV (Real name Carlton Eubanks Williams, product of a Hank III one-night-stand in Tulsa) signs with Curb Records just to spite his estranged father; debut album scheduled for May 2036 release

•Huck Paisley, much to his father's dismay, records his first country album which is entirely devoid of novelty songs

•Ryan Adams and Mandy Moore put out a duets album in the style of George Jones and Tammy Wynette

•Parental Advisory label phased out; Pink "Sissy Songs" warning label phased in for niche market of profanity-free music

•Snoop/Dre record The Chronic: 2030, featuring songs "Nothin' But a AARP Thang," "Gin and Cialis"

•Cowboy Troy opens for Big & Rich for 27th consecutive summer despite not having a charting single since "I Play Chicken With the Train"

•Taylor Swift Behind the Music episode shows the extravagant lifestyle and the over-generosity to her extended family, large dance troupe and entourage that led to her current destitute state

•P Diddy changes his name to an unpronounceable symbol that looks a lot like The Notorious B.I.G.'s face with a dollar sign as the nose

•Justin Bieber still trending on Twitter


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