Jan 4, 2024
Dec 13, 2023
You have a Lucero sticker on your Honda Pilot. You look like someone who should be avoided in a dark alley, but you’re actually a tattooed sweetheart of a person. You can’t relate to people who think sad songs kill the mood. You’ve got your eye on a small RV to buy and follow Lucero around, once the kids move out.
You’re a good ol’ boy or girl, I don’t care what anybody says. You’d rather chug-a-lug a mug of beer than sip a crystal glass of wine. You’d rather discuss the latest goings on of World Wrestling Entertainment, but can easily have a conversation about Eudora Welty or foreign relations. You have a couple crooked fingers as evidence of your bar fighting days, but you’ve chilled out.
You don’t like mainstream country; Spotify played Morgan after a Paramore song and you were smitten. You are prone to stalking exes on social media when you get a few drinks in you, but not in a creepy way - you just wanna talk shit. You drive like a bat out of hell, and that turns your significant other on for some reason.
You reflexively like Tyler even more now that many conservatives say he “went woke.” This is a good album, but that first sentence may have clouded your judgement a bit. You own a Subaru. You tried morel hunting for the first time and ended up having to get rescued by the game warden, so your friends now call you the Kane Brown of Americana fans.
Your favorite burger is the McDonald’s Quarter Pounder. Your favorite book is 50 Shades of Grey. Your boyfriend’s ex has a restraining order against him. You’re not really into politics at all, but vote however your friends do. You spent $1820.34 on tea this year and $0 on vehicle maintenance.
Ryan Bingham - Watch Out for the Wolf
You got into Ryan because of Yellowstone. This is the first Ryan Bingham album or EP you’ve ever heard.
You don’t know what hick-hop is. Fuel was your favorite band in the 90s. You think Jelly Roll’s redemption story is wonderful, but you don’t really want to know what crimes he did because then you might have to stop liking him. You could never get into Yellowstone because the music was so boring. Your stepkids call you by your first name, with an attitude.
TMZ is your favorite news source. You tell people this is your favorite album of the year because you stan, but in your heart of hearts, you wish she’d go back to the pop sound of a few years ago. You live for every TMI detail of Kelsea’s love life and are glad she moved on from that last dude, because he isn’t as big a star as her.
Dec 5, 2023
You read a lot of Flannery O’Connor and William Faulkner and still don’t understand half the lyrics of this album. You own at bare minimum 23 flannel shirts. You will only discuss politics with your immediate group of friends around a fire pit after a few PBRs, but there could be violence at that point.
You enjoy music that isn’t good.
Your political beliefs have evolved your hearing to like bad music, as long as the singer agrees with you on every possible subject. You live in a suburb and have complained on the neighborhood Facebook page about “loud booming music in cars driving by.” You own $4,000 worth of camouflage but only go hunting once a year, if that. Your wife doesn’t know about the ED yet thanks to gas station pills.
Your nostalgic love of the late 90s warps your taste in unhealthy ways. You’re always quick with a “she had vocal surgery,” but never a “maybe she should rest her voice or retire” in the Facebook comments. You’re glad the Karen jokes finally died down a little. You should probably schedule a hearing test.
Despite the tattoos and the extensive police record, you are a born romantic. You have cried about an ASPCA commercial and punched a guy who cut you off in traffic on the same day. Your significant other is a complete normie.
You write for Rolling Stone, or various other music sites. This album came out in 2022. Tough shit if it came out in December; maybe you shouldn’t drop your lists so early.
Note: This album is really good if you like R&B.
You’re most likely a cool, salt of the earth person who doesn’t have much interest in lyrically complex or musically adventurous songs, and that’s okay, but you still demand more than “beer girl truck.” You own $400 worth of camouflage, and are in the woods at least every Saturday of deer season. You are anywhere on the political spectrum except far left and far right.
You are a relatively upstanding dude with a family and a decent job, but you still get shit-faced at every Mississippi State game and wind up having to apologize to a friend, coworker, family member, or innocent bystander. You are either the person in your group of music snobs with the worst taste, or the one in your group of bro’s with the best taste. There is no in between.
Dec 14, 2022
You are between the ages of 14 and 19. You drive a VW Bug that has had the transmission replaced twice since you got it. You’ve asked your parents if you can just skip the rest of the school year since you’re going to have to repeat it anyway. You are dating someone ‘from another school’ who your friends have never met. Or you write for Country Universe.
You put this at #1 because you can’t show weakness when it comes to defending Carrie’s honor. She’s the best even when she puts out this uninspired collection, which you’ve only listened to twice but have left streaming overnight 5000 times. You started therapy this year after yet another Entertainer of the Year loss. Your boyfriend is terrified of you.
Beard oil, wash, conditioner, balm, nor wax has ever touched your face mane, yet it is still resplendent and makes hipsters jealous. Your favorite whiskey drink is whiskey. Whether pro or anti gun control, you own a small arsenal. You are so emotionally screwed up, sad feels like happy.
You will just as soon fistfight a republican as a democrat. You have a hunting-related tattoo. You haven’t been to church in 7 years but know the Bible better than your ‘rain or shine’ friends. You make fun of the people who complain about Tyler set-lists, but haven’t actually been to a show since he stopped including “White House Road.”
You pretend to find meaning in the title of this album. Other hipsters call you a poser. Your degree in poetry analysis hasn’t come in handy in the real world. You feel that country music is beneath you, despite half this album being more country than anything on the radio.
You are the friend everybody goes to for advice, despite your life being a raging garbage dump inferno. You have a tattoo that it takes five minutes to explain. There’s some weird family issue like your dad divorced your mom and married her hair-dresser or something, but you get along with everybody and get free hair cuts now. You didn’t know there was an unwritten rule about not drinking before 5 pm.
You are pretty basic, but also a genuinely nice person. Regardless of your gender, you installed your own catalytic converter anti-theft device. You are politically oblivious. Regardless of your gender, you own more than 5 articles of clothing with your name on them.
You are 100% for sure not a Republican, but have a lot of beliefs and habits that would get you cancelled by the left. You drive an electric vehicle which has run out of charge by the outlet mall no less than 4 times this year. You’re pretty deep, but also an Instagram influencer.
Dec 7, 2022
Even if you hadn’t listened to it, this would be your #1. Even if it was terrible, this would be your #1. Even if Miranda slapped your step-dad and keyed your Altima, this would be your #1.
Even if you hadn’t listened to it, this would be your #1. Even if it was terrible, this would be your #1. Even if Beyonce besmirched your mother and keyed your Nissan Leaf, this would be your #1. You either write for a hipsterish music site or are a full time Beyonce stan.
You are a former bro-country fan who finally graduated from the community college after 5 years. The pickup truck your dad bought you in 11th grade is long in the tooth but it still gets you to the construction site. You still do mostly the same things in your spare time that you’ve done since 11th grade, but the soundtrack is better now. You read a little poetry, but don't tell your friends about it.
You are the same as the Zach Bryan fan above, but in your first year of community college, which you will never graduate. You claim you were never into bro-country, but there are t-shirts in your chest of drawers that would prove otherwise. You can’t hold down a part time job because weed.
You are a pot head, but it doesn’t matter because you are the HR person or business owner. You drive a 1998 Ford F-150 and people assume you are secretly wealthy. That would be true if you didn’t spend it all on shows, pot, and weaponry.
You’re shitting me, right?
Dec 15, 2021
Morgan Wade - Reckless
You have used brass knuckles in a fight, regardless of your gender. You’re a 90s kid who doesn’t relate to those “You Know You’re a 90s Kid if…” Buzzfeed posts. You believe that genres aren’t important, but also think most pop country is sweltering garbage.
Dan + Shay - Good Things
You can’t even remember how to spell your own kids’ names. You drink so much wine, you’re on your way to a fatty liver despite weighing 110 pounds. You don’t like country, and don’t really care if people make fun of Dan + Shay for being soft pop, but you will curse a Starbucks manager in a heartbeat.
Jason Aldean - Macon
You think Morgan Wallen is just a Jason Aldean copycat with better hair. You have called Eric Church a cuck lib on Twitter. You wish you were young enough to pull off driving a truck with a Carolina squat. Your kids make fun of your tribal tattoo.
Morgan Wallen - Dangerous
You spent the money you were going to donate to Trump 2024 on Wallen tickets. You “have black friends.” You and your girlfriend drive trucks with a Carolina squat. You’d say your life motto is “Bad Ass Boys Drive Bad Ass Toys” but it’s actually “celebrating mediocrity.”
Carly Pearce - 29: Written in Stone
You’ve been through it, sister. Or brother. Or whoever.
Blake Shelton - Body Language
The only time you intentionally listen to any music whatsoever is when watching The Voice. Team Blake all the way! You’re suspicious and jealous of Gwen, but will tear anyone a new one if they besmirch her or Blake on Twitter. The police have a file on you, but you don’t have a record.
Parmalee - For You
You see members of Parmalee on holidays and at family reunions.