John Rich's Songwriting Tips #43

I shouldn't even have to say this, but stay true to the roots of country music when you're writing a damn country song. By that, I mean to keep it real. Women really love Lifetime television, so if you write a p*ssy-*ss love song, you're keeping it real for them. Women also (at least in their mind) really love country boys who dip and fish and wear Wranglers, so if you take somebody's previous "country pride" hit and change the words up a little, you're keeping it real. Men really love getting some, so keep their women happy with mamby pamby cheerful songs... and you're keeping it real for the fellas. Real is in the eye of the moneyholder, mofos. I'm real as your granny's beard, baby. That's country.

*Not actually written by John Rich

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #42

Okay, you've got a great song written, rewritten, recorded and professionally demoed. What now? Hell if I know. Maybe give it to a superstar singer you know. Oh yeah, you don't know any. Uh, record it yourself for your record label. You don't have a record label? Hmmm. Throw it up in the air and if it comes back down, it was never meant to be anyway. Man, I'm at a loss as to how the little man gets a song recorded.... uh, hmmm.

Just don't hand them to me if you see me around town. I've got lawsuits pending over songs I borrowed... supposedly stole. I really can't help you here. Bottom Line: Be famous and your songs will get recorded. That's how I roll, c*cksucker.

*Not actually written by John Rich.

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #41

I've been asked many times if I write lyrics to music or music to lyrics. Well, kiddies, in the old days I did both at the same time. That's how you come up with most of the best sounding tunes. Once you get to the point that you have several tunes you really like and really work well, do what I do. I just dip back into the well, so to speak. Take an old song and rearrange the words a little bit, or change a chord here and there. When you've got a catalogue as successful as mine, you can do that. You wonder why all the songs on the radio sound alike? That's your answer children. Why the f**k should I go to the trouble of coming up with something new when the idiot public keeps buying the same sh*t with slightly different words? Does that make me lazy? Maybe. Rich? You mo-f**kin' right!!!!

Not actually written by John Rich.

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #40

I don't really have any songwriting tips for you this time. I just wanted to say I love you people. Really...like a sh*tty Rascal Flatts song kind of love. I get a bad rap (and really, what rap ISN'T bad? am I right?) in the media about having a terrible attitude, but I'm a sap at heart. If it wasn't for you and you where would I be? There would be no Muzik Mafia, no Mt. Richmore, no JR media empire, no gold plated Guitar Hero axe in my game room, no loose sluts tailing my every move, no John Rich Special Edition Seagrams bottle in my elevator. Man I love you so much it makes my pants get tight. Come 'ere and gimme a kiss. No, not you, your girlfriend.

*Not actually written by John Rich.

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #39

Professionally associate yourself with minorities, the physically challenged and the economically disadvantaged because when they succeed, you succeed and you don't look racist and discriminatory to the general public for the fact that you associated with their downtrodden asses in the first place. Just don't hang out with them after hours. They're a real leg repellant.

Not actually written by John Rich.

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #38

Here's a new question from the email sack. Heh heh, I said sack.

Skip in North Carolina wants to know: "Should I put some research time in before and during writing songs involving politics or history?"

JR: Hell no, Skippy. What you learned in vocational school ought to be plenty 'nough knowledge for you to drop on the country listener. If I wanna write something about Rick Nixon, I don't bother studying up on Watercase... who gives a shit? Jane Countryfan just wants to nod her head to a mid to up-tempo catchy tune and have her preferably conservative beliefs supported bro, not think. You want to do a song about the current economic crisis or the BP leak? Just write it, throw in something about a bastard stocktraderman...or a dirty stinkin' petroleum-man; don't waste valuable drinking time with fact finding and that sort of stuff. Just Wiki it if you must. Write on homie.

*Not actually written by John Rich.

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #37

Everybody has a different standard for how and when they write. Some people say you should set aside a time to write every day, no matter what. Some people say you should only write when the inspiration strikes you. As you might expect, I do neither. To tell you the truth, half the time I don't remember even writing a song. I just kinda wake up and find it written down or recorded for me like some little f*ckin' fairies (the winged kind, not the switch hittin' kind) came in and did it for me. Once after a 4 day bender that involved at least 2 call girls and 3 cases of boxed wine, I came to and discovered a kickass song already on tape - with me friggin' singing it! I swear don't know how it got written or recorded, but 3 months later, Jason Aldean took that song to #2 on the charts. True story.

*Not actually written by John Rich.

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #36

Puns are stupid. Unless you're 8... or a country music fan. Since the latter idiots pay for the Captain Morgan in my elevator, I keep a few joke books around to toss in some dumbass wordplay every now and then. If it makes big Bertha in Birmingham giggle through her tooth while her dirty youngsters watch Fartknocker and Ferb on the minivan's LCD, who the hell am I to tell her she's a moron? Yeah, your ex-husband was always off drinkin' and fishin' because he's a largemouth ass, chuckle chuckle fatty! Keep hitting the "$1.29 BUY" button on the iTunes and I won't judge your low humor standards... uh, again.

*Not actually written by John Rich.

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #35

Writer's block is something that affects nearly all songwriters. Bust on through it the JR way: Get you some comfy clothes on. Pour yourself a glass of wine and turn down the lights. Light a few scented candles. Get your writing pad and acoustic out and settle into a big fluffy beanbag with no distractions. Then just write. That's how ol'.... how an ol' fruity booty does it, lol! Psyche bitches!!! Ol' JR doesn't have writer's block. This large cranium is an endless source of timeless country hits. Suck it up sissies. "Writer's block" is like OCD, sex addiction or homo-ism... just a made up excuse to do things contrary to the will of the big guy in the sky! Preach on brother Rich!



*Not actually written by John Rich.

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #34

Another email question.

Dan in Nashville asks:

"Do you think the traditionally conservative mainstream country market is ready for some songs from a more liberal point of view?"

JR: Well, Obama has ruined everything else so why the f**k not? Just don't try to set up a co-write with me if you're going to bring some damn "killing babies is a laugh riot" or "why can't we all just agree to tap each other's asses?" ideas to the table. I don't roll that way, but I support your right to be incorrect.

Not actually written by John Rich.

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #33

Write because you love to do it. Art becomes product when you simply write from a viewpoint of "where can this get me?" Put your heart and soul, blood and sweat into everything you write. Bring something original to the table. Ha ha, who the f*ck am I kidding? Get them presidents, baby! Write to the rhyme, not the line. Recycle cliches. Make stuff sound deep by using a few sentimental words in a piece of fluff. Chase that dolla and make the ladies holla. Kneel at the altar of that almighty green if you wanna be seen. Words to live by, ho-bags!

*Not actually written by John Rich.

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #32

Love songs aren't really in fashion, but happily, ass tappin' songs are! Jake Owen, Josh Turner and Dierks Bentley have pooled up the legal tender by wetting the, um, check that, whetting the appetites of lovers all across the land. The good thing about this trend is that you don't really have to work that hard, errrr, don't have to put that much effort into these simple little ditties. Just take an old Conway song or your favorite 80's R&B ballad, change up the melody a little and describe your last nookie encounter in a rhyming fashion. Make sure to throw in a nifty hook like "I been waiting all day, so here I come" or "let me take the worry off your mind, and the silk off your behind." See how simple it is. You'll have the curvies eating out of your hand and a big ol' fat hit on your hands. Get some, baby.

*Not actually written by John Rich.

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #31

Don't run from controversy. Hell, in my personal life, I run towards it. In Nashvegas, however, we tend to pretend some of my favorite subjects and activities don't exist. Since record execs and radio programmers are squeamish about things like depraved nookie, toking the Mary and bloodletting on punk-ass fools, my feeling on the subject is that you should use code words. In my classic hit "Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy)," I know you'll find this shocking, but the word "ride" is really code for bumping uglies. In the timeless wedding standard "Lost in this Moment," the phrase "my feelings so absolute" really means "I've got a big ol' erection." You can't say that on the Clearchannel, so skirt the subjects. Mmm, skirts. My favorite subject. Write on, tummy sticks.

*Not actually written by John Rich

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #30

Don't sell out. Set your writing principals right up front and stand by them. Believe it or not, this one's set in stone for me. I will never compromise myself from the belief that you should only write schlock, dreck, trite crap... whatever it takes to keep them royalty checks filling up your gold-plated mailbox at the end of your dogwood lined brick driveway. No way in the pit of Hades would I stoop to writing story songs, Americana, alt-anything or something with literary references. Porn references maybe. Live by this creed: Dance with the bitch that brung ya.

*Not actually written by John Rich.

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #29

Go to church. I enter the hallowed halls of my local Baptist church for 2 reasons: 1) hot MILFs in tight black dress pants & 2) to learn the themes and symbolism of Christianity. #1 is a no-brainer. #2 helps you write songs that are seemingly about people who are shit out of luck in life but then you turn it all around with big baby Jesus in the last chorus. Bingo: easy money top 10 hit! And another tip: next time you're writing a song, think WWJRD?

*Not actually written by John Rich.

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #28

Keep up with news and pop culture. You gotta stay current with your message to keep the dead prez in your pockets. I've already got a song written and recorded about Tiger Woods cheating on his sexy ass wife (Hey Elen!). It's the lead single for my next, uh, the deluxe super limited edition re-release of my current album. It's called "Nine Wood to the Nuptials"; ain't that catchy? Watch your Fox News, children. That's where the wisdom's at. Especially when I'm a guest on there.

*Not actually written by John Rich.

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #27

Respect those who came before you. I showed my respect for Johnny Cash by writing a song that had not shit to do with the Man in Black, yet bore his name as a title. He was honored, or he would have been. Someday, people (maybe you?) will show their appreciation for the roads I paved by sending me royalties from any anti-bankerman songs, treacly love ballads that mention forever, or pro-cowboy riding anthems. And from the baby-faced baller to you, thanks!

*Not actually written by John Rich.

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #26

Immerse yourself in the life that your subject matter lives. How can you know what the common man is thinking or feeling if you sit there on your snooty uptown high horse all the time? That's why I bought myself a bar. Well, that's the #2 reason anyway. So I can park my sexy butt in my VIP booth with my favorite bird (Grey Goose) and observe the real American in their natural habitat. If a motherf***er gets too close they could get dropped, but as long as they maintain a safe distance, they might get a song written about them. That's keeping it real peepz.

*Not actually written by John Rich.

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #25

Resolve that in the new year, you will write every day. You wake up every day, you floss them pearlies every day, you hit a shot of the Jager every morning, your wife fixes you a big plate of breakfast every day, you go off to your uhhhm, "work" every day, right? So schedule in some writing time every damn day. You can't get as good as me if - scratch that, you can't get as good as me - but you can't get as good as Jeffrey Steele if you only write when you feel like it. Man, if I only broke off a piece when I felt like it, I wouldn't be the redneck ramrod Romeo you ladies know and love. Happy New Year, toolbags!

Not actually written by John Rich.

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #24

Keep your friends close and your enemies in a headlock. DTN friend, don't trust nobody. I've had supposed best pals steal song ideas from me and not give me a g-string thin shred of credit. For the most part, make sure you're working with writers on the same level as you because up-and-comers might use your good name and grab your wallet... Waffle House working m***** f*****s. For all of you in that up-and-comer category, that means you never get to write with me because even if you get into the velvet-roped VIP section I currently occupy, I will have created a new, higher, more preeminent echelon to ascend to and won't associate with your punk ass. Write on beeatches!

*Not actually written by John Rich