The truth about hometowns

So many songs these days extoll the simple pleasures of that quaint lil' idyllic hometown we all come from and long to go back to if we have a soul at all. It's where the the dirt road simple life makes everything okay, where folks wet a line at the crawfish hole, where Saturday night's sin must be prayed about at Sunday morning's service, where the cancer-stricken brother wants to leave this mortal coil, it's a little slice of heaven on earth. Really? Really? Here's the truth. 

My Hometown Sucks

Went back to visit for a few days

Where I’m from, smalltown USA

I pulled in as that big ol’ warm sun fell

Felt a feeling coming over me

Not quite sentimentality

My stomach turned from that old familiar smell

My hometown sucks

My hometown sucks

I miss it like I love a kick in the nuts

My hometown sucks

My hometown sucks

It's a charming mix of hicks in trucks

So much for nostalgia

I don’t know about ya

But my hometown sucks

Every corner you can cash a check

The potholed streets will make you wreck

And Walmart's the only store that's left in town

The kids cook meth on Saturday nights

The quickstop just sells Natty Light

And the homecoming queen, she weighs three hundred pounds

My hometown sucks

My hometown sucks

Drive down mainstreet, you might get mugged

My hometown sucks

My hometown sucks

If you say hoedown, the girls all duck

So much for nostalgia

I don’t know about ya

But my hometown sucks

Bridge

Sure the pace of life is slower

But so is the pace of mind

It's no wonder we always used to drink ourselves blind

Cause my hometown sucks

My hometown sucks

The mayor's a lush, the council's corrupt

My hometown sucks

My hometown sucks

It's a charming mix of hicks in trucks

So much for nostalgia

I don’t know about ya

But my hometown sucks

©2009 Corey Parkman

(for the record, my hometown actually holds a nice place in my memory and is a lovely locale with all the  bingo hall fights and check cashing establishments you could ever ask for)

3 Rock Honest Album Covers

Zac Brown Band Parody

Welcome to the very first Country California/Farce the Music crossover day. Here are the lyrics to the song the ZBB rewrote for an STD awareness campaign as mentioned in this "fake news" story at Country California. And see the new ZBB "Fun With Charts & Graphs" just below! Thanks to CM for putting up with my twisted ideas. :)

Whateveritis

(Parody of the Zac Brown Band's "Whatever It Is")

She's got thighs that stay open wide

And lips that taste like some other guy

And her dirty mind is in the gutter everytime

She's got a burning sensation when she pees

Think it might be venereal disease

Tired of being scared that the girl's gonna pass it to me

She's got whateveritis

Getting tested today

Yeah, the girl's been around the block a time or two

She swears this time she's home to stay

She's got whateveritis

The doc knows what to do

For a two week cycle

Gotta take that Cipro pill cause baby I love you

You got whatever it is

Folks say I shoulda got a clue on our very first date

When every guy we passed would smile and say "hey"

And the way she reached down in her jeans to scratch

People ask me what the hell, tell 'em I don't know

Gonna make an honest woman out of this ho, that's right

Soon as she loses this clap

She's got whateveritis

Getting tested today

Yeah, the girl's been around the block a time or two

She swears this time she's home to stay

She's got whateveritis

The doc knows what to do

For a two week cycle

Gotta take that Cipro pill cause baby I love you

You got whatever it is

Bridge

When she loves me

I'm kinda scared to feel

When she loves me

My contagious girl

When she loves me

Gotta wear two condoms

When she loves me

Think I'm in big trouble...

(Repeat Chorus)

Fun With Charts & Graphs: Zac Brown Band

Click for a closer view and make sure to check out the related "fake news" story at Country California!

Coming tonight/tomorrow

FTM's first ever crossover feature with Country California!