Jason Aldean Lyric Parody

Ball-Peen Hammer

(Parody of Jason Aldean's "Big Green Tractor")

Was out shopping with my wife one Saturday,

The country station on in our Chevrolet

The girls were all shrieking, cutesy and pop,

And the dudes were slangin', brangin' the rock,

They played a Reba song, and it sounded "Strange"

But the straw that broke the camel's back was "That Thang"

When shoppin' was done, we'd planned to see a show

But I said "I'd rather go to Home Depot"

Gonna hit myself hard with a ball-peen hammer

Hell, my IQ can't drop any faster,

These tunes are crappy as turds in the pasture,

To radio execs, it really don't matter,

Long as they sell ads and please soccer moms too

They don't care bout the hell country's gone to

I think those idjits should be put in the slammer

Or I'll hit myself hard with a ball-peen hammer

Said Waylon's cold in his grave but he's rolling around,

This bling and auto-tuner's got him down,

Folks try to stay hip, but these days hip-hop sucks,

It's so two-thousand late to be singin' about butts

Gonna hit myself hard with a ball-peen hammer

Hell, my IQ can't drop any faster,

These tunes are crappy as turds in the pasture,

To radio execs, it really don't matter,

Long as they sell ads and please Nascar dads too

They don't care bout the hell country's gone to

I think those jerkoffs should be put in the slammer

Or I'll hit myself hard with a ball-peen hammer

Dance remixes and sappy teens,

Hank would be thankful he didn't live to see,

This day,

Long as they sell ads and please soccer moms too

They don't care bout the hell country's gone to

I think those morons should be put in the slammer

Or I'll hit myself hard with a ball-peen hammer

Oh no no,

Please just turn it down,

Or I'll put an end to this frown,

With a ball-peen hammer.

Fun With Charts & Graphs: Warrant

John Rich Friday

Today is a small celebration of the man, the myth and the legend in his own mind. 2 songwriting tips, a custom JR tattoo and this honest album cover round out the fun, but you can continue the party with a little drinking, fighting, skirt-chasing and badmouthing later today. Enjoy!

John Rich Tattoo

Just print this out and take it to your favorite tatt artist and get inked up!

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #14 & 15

Any pub is good pub. If anybody lives by that creed, it's yours truly... the Cowboy Stevie Wonder. As a songwriter, it's your job not only to write the best songs, but to make your name stick in the heads of song pitchers, label heads, other writers, skanks on the street and up-and-coming artists. Some methods of branding yourself include: arson, clever hooks, profanity filled phone tirades, middle finger salutes, positive (Conservative) message filled songs, assault and many other meaningful ways of ingratiating yourself to the Nashville community.

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You can't climb the mountains if you stay in Buckfart, Georgia. You gotta move where the damn mountains are. By that fine bit of symbology, I mean to say to you, if you want to get songs cut, you go where they're getting cut. Nashvegas baby! This is where the magic happens. Well, the real magic happens in my king size feather bed with the mirrors on the ceiling, but you know what I mean. Sure, half the population of this town is songwriters, but never mind that, get your shiny white hiney here. My bar needs more patrons - songwriters drowning their sorrows because they should've stayed their asses in Buckfart, Georgia. Ha!

*Not actually written by John Rich.