Tracklist Predictions: Craig Morgan - This Ole Boy

In which, FTM attempts to predict what the songs will be about based on titles alone.


Craig Morgan - This Ole Boy will be released February 28th.

1. This Ole Boy

We've already heard the radio mix of this song, but the album version will feature Slash on guitar and a 2 minute shredding solo. There is also a dubstep remix in the works for the This Ole Boy: Deluxe Edition coming out in June.

2. More Trucks Than Cars

Co-written by Morgan (with Tim Nichols, Craig Wiseman, Rivers Rutherford, Brett Beavers, Chris Wallin and Rhett Akins), this song describes the scene in the parking lot at the 12th Annual Wife-Beaters Convention.

3. Whole World Needs A Kitchen 

In this sequel to Tracy Lawrence's "If the World Had a Front Porch," Craig solves the world's hunger problems by inventing a successor for the popular food truck, the giant kitchen truck. It's never explained how he'd pay for this or how the truck would cross bodies of water, but it's a nice thought.

4. Country Boys 

It's not what you think! It's not about all the specific preferences of boys who live in rural areas. It's not a laundry list of country-isms. It's not a rocked-up song parading as country. It's not…

...Okay, it is.

5. Show Me Your Tattoo 

A pick-up line for our generation. Slightly classier than "I'd like to check you for ticks" but heavily implying that surely there's a little permanent ink in a NSFW place. John Rich has been using this one for years, to varying effect.

6. Love Loves A Long Night 

Sounds like it might be a slow, sensuous "let's get it on" song, based on the title, but nay! It's about a hooker named Love who prefers Winter nights when her work hours are longer.

7. Being Alive And Living

Another inspirational song that in no way steals from "I Hope You Dance," "Living and Living Well" or "Live Like You Were Dying." Hahahahahahaha! that is some funny shit that you'd even think this wasn't a completely original idea. JUST IN: Nashville and LA songwriters running out of ideas..rushing to recycle each other's songs! Gimme a break. You've never heard anything this moving, so shut up.

8. Fish Weren't Bitin'

Why did we get drunk? Fish weren't bitin'. Why did we drive home drunk? Fish weren't bitin'. Why did we crash our truck into a trailer park that housed a meth lab, setting off an explosion whose fallout poisoned all local waterways for years to come? Fish weren't bitin'. And now they never will again. Co-written by Chris Knight.

9. Better Stories 

A song that namedrops Townes Van Zant, Steve Earle, Corb Lund, Johnny Cash, Merle Haggard and other artists whose songs tell "better stories" than Craig ever could.

10. I Don't Drink

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist's first songwriting credit, this song decries the evils of strong drink and wine. Craig eventually goes on to lose his sponsorship with Anheuser-Busch, leaving him unable to tour, ending his career, making our ears very happy.

11. Corn Star

Not a pun song - well, okay it is, but it's about a porn actress whose signature move is ******* a corn cob in ******* until she ***** and then ******** it from a **** while a guy ****** on her ******. Hard to believe record execs greenlighted this one. Larry Lee sues to have his song removed from future pressings of the album.

12. Summer Moon

A song about how only country boys can actually enjoy a summer moon. It's a laundry list of fun things that can be done under a summer moon: cowtipping, rolling houses, sitting on jacked up trucks drinking shine, straining your eyes to see the girls in cutoff jeans, stealing copper from AC units and beating up city folk who claim to also enjoy the summer moon.

Justin Moore says...

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews: Rascal Flatts - Banjo

Well, this song started out pretty good. It reminded me of some good ol' fashioned Christian bluegrass, until the lead singer, Mr. Levox said "B.S." I thought these were supposed to be poster boys for good taste and positivity in secular country music. 

Apparently they are just as worldly as the Casey Donahews and Brantley Gilberts of this nation. As clean cut and well-mannered as these young men seem to be, it's a true disappointment that they are as hellbound as that empty-headed pervert, Hank Williams Jr.

The theme of this song is "getting away from it all." They say it's time to eschew computers, cell phones and whatnot and I can fully agree with that. Every time I sit down at my wife's laptop to write these song reviews, I can just feel the demonic forces dancing just below my fingertips. They wish to lead all of us toward the evil LCD temptations of gambling, pornography and Harry Potter. Oh, I shiver at the thought.

So far, there is at least a little positive to balance out the negative of this song, but that changes when we reach the chorus. "You go and you go, until you hear banjos" it says. My son-in-law, Jerry, was listening over my shoulder and began laughing when he heard that line. He proceeded to tell me that it was a reference to a vulgar Hollywood moving picture entitled "Deliverance."

Apparently, in this movie, some city slickers go on a raft ride in the God-forsaken mountains of northern Georgia. Their fun times go awry when some typical residents of that locale attack them and perform sodomy upon one of them, exhorting the defiled man to "squeal like a pig." It's a good thing I haven't eaten in a few hours or I would, as the younguns say, blow chunks.

So, I gather that the rascally Flatts are wishing for that to happen to them, as if the eery sound of a banjo is the woods is actually a siren's call that causes their loins to swell with blood and lust. This truly is the most objectionable song I have ever had the displeasure of listening to. I had heard rumors that the lead singer might be, uh, you know… that way, but the other two are not exempt since they added their backing vocals and pretend guitar playing to this dreadful song.

It is an abomination before the Lord to go spelunking the nether regions with another man, so saith Larry Lee. Flee from this deviant tune and seek the Father. 

F

Songs Illustrated #62

Alt-Country Bingo

Crank up your Sirius satellite radio or set your Americana/Alt. Country albums on shuffle all and play along!   *note - two spaces have been revised based on comments from Sabra and Autopsy IV*