May 9, 2017

Florida-Georgia Line Residents Complain of Urine Stench

Florida-Georgia Line Residents Complain of Urine Stench

People living along the boundary between the states of Georgia and Florida are no strangers to heat, mosquitos, and bad weather. Now they're facing an unpleasant plague of another sort: urine. From its start at the southeast corner of Alabama until it reaches the Atlantic ocean, the border reportedly reeks of the stuff.

Calls to police departments and city halls across the region began late in 2013 and reached a peak in 2015 that continues to this day, and all of them had a singular complaint. The air outside stunk like a high noon outhouse.

Officials at first only quietly giggled and assured the callers that the odor would be looked into, assuming the untidy hygiene of most of the population of said region was to blame. Over time, though, police officers and government employees themselves witnessed the awful aroma and began to question its source.

One night in late 2014, Deputy William Reed of Jasper, Florida ran across an unlikely possibility. While 'liking' photos of his grandkids on Facebook, he saw what's known as a meme, a viral photo with a joke typed over it, that got him thinking. The meme in question showed country music legends Waylon Jennings and Johnny Cash and featured the wording "Sure We've Heard of Florida-Georgia Line; Stopped There and P**sed One Time." Surely this wasn't the cause of the new foulness polluting the usual B.O. and garbage fire scent of his strip-mall-dotted homeland. He had a hunch it was.

Reed decided to test out his theory. He and another deputy staked out a couple of spots near the border, where I-75 crosses into Georgia. Their mission was only to research, not arrest, so they spotted up in the woods off the shoulder with night-vision goggles and cameras. What they both documented was unexpected.

Both deputies reported not only single offenders, but droves of bearded young white men wearing black t-shirts that said things like "Cody Jinks" and "F*** Pop Country" and "Put the Try Back in Country" routinely pulling to the side of the interstate to relieve themselves directly on the border sign. Not only that, they had their friends take photos of them while they did it.

Online searches soon uncovered social media posts dedicated to "FGLing," peeing anywhere in sight of a sign showing the demarcation of Florida and Georgia and taking a photo for visual proof. Apparently these young men were traditional country fans unhappy with the direction of country radio and chose to show it in, um, unique ways.

Patrols soon began and law enforcement across the entire perimeter reported hundreds of arrests for public nudity, open container, public urination, and in some cases vandalism. There were even quite a few females arrested for soiling the promised land.

Despite the charges, the funk has yet to fade, causing many local residents to reattach the wheels to their homes and move further from the miasma. "I ain't know why them there haters have to ruin this beautiful place for everyone." said a clearly enraged Martha Sue Swanson, packing up her muumuus and cigarette cartons for her move to Ocala. "I happen to likes me some Florida Georgia Line, they makes some good music!"

At press time, the popular Facebook page We Hate Pop Country was taking reservations for a bus trip to the border for a "Pee-In Protest" of the arrests. We'll keep you informed as details come in.

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