Jul 31, 2015

Helpful Tips for Country Music Festival Attendees


 A few helpful tips for enjoying your mainstream country music festival this summer:

• Hydrate before entering concert grounds (that means drink water, Luke Bryan fans)

• Apply 50 SPF or higher sunscreen

• Familiarize yourself with exits - that will come in helpful during the likely riot

• Drink in moderation or pace yourself (Fireball, water, Jager, water, Fireball, water, vomit, repeat)

• Pre-plan meeting places if your group gets split up

• Make sure you have paper or digital ticket ready when waiting in line

• Drive a car to the concert and you'll be able to find it more
quickly after the show because literally everyone else will be in a truck

• Take a self defense course prior to festival

• Never look a bro in the eyes; you could probably kick his ass,
but is he really worth a night in jail?

• Never accept open drinks from strangers

• Wear a knife/bullet-proof vest under your wife-beater

• The only sexual relations that should take place on festival grounds
is you getting screwed out of $7 for a domestic tall boy

• Don't believe she's "on the pill" if you just met her

• The stoner who hugged you during Eric Church's encore
is not your friend; don't loan him twenty bucks

• If you notice that someone has gotten a wallet chain through security, 
avoid them because wallet chains can be used as weapons or means of restraint

• After eating concert vendor fried foods, never trust a fart

• You can buy that $35 t-shirt for $25 on their website

• Men in huge novelty foam cowboy hats are always perverts

• When the riot breaks out, hide in a rolling beer cart - nobody's going to destroy a beer cart

• The sashimi tent is a bad idea

• If some drunk guy looks like he's about to puke, point him toward
the tall guy with the girl on his shoulders who are blocking your view

• Don't video songs - are you seriously going to subject yourself to Tyler Hubbard more than once?

• Don't eat anything you don't want to taste twice

• If someone cuts in line for the port-a-potties, wrap wallet chains around the potty and lock him in

• If he's got a barbed wire tattoo, he's got an STD

• If she's got a tramp stamp, she's probably got a kid your age

• Stop drinking 2 hours before the show's over; is seeing
Chase Rice warble about hotties really worth a f***ing DUI?

• Never yell "come at me bro" because the sheer number of nearby bros
who will think you're talking to them ensures a beatdown

• When leaving the concert, never tell your arresting officer
to "s*** your d***" or that your dad's a lawyer

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