Sep 10, 2012

OMG Rant: Modern Country Music

by Brittany Fant, 14-year-old music fan and aspiring reviewer

OK, I'm getting sick of all of u and TRAILER(!) picking on the music I like!!! U people are all old and out of touch with what's cool in America these days, so why should I listen to what u have to say? I mean, u listen to stuff that's like sooooo depressing - u need to get on some meds like my mom and cheer up! Jason Eady? Cute, but depressing. Gretchen Peters? OMG, she makes me wanna go to a shrink. Lucero? Even their fast songs are sad and that guy sings like he just ate a Brillo pad or something. What's the deal with u folks? My real life is already hard enuff. I just want my music to make me smile or dance or kiss my boyfriend or punch his ex in her peppy cheerleader face. I'm on the backside of puberty y'all, I need some happy!!! That's why Taylor Swift and Hunter Hayes (<3) and Brantley Gilbert and stuff like that are all that's on my iPod. And that motorboatin' song, LOLZ! I don't even know what that means but my boyfriend laughs his butt off and looks at my chest every time. Listen, Taylor speaks to us girls. I mean, I am NEVER EVER getting back with my ex. All he wants to do is play Assassin's Creed all day and never ever return my texts. What a loser. And my someday boyfriend Hunter Hunter Hunter Hayes!!! He sings the words that every girl wants to hear. I JUST WANT TO BE WANTED! My current boyfriend doesn't say stuff that sweet, but at least he's on the B Honor Roll and he won me a Plants vs. Zombies doll at the fair. Brantley Gilbert kind of scares me, but "U Don't Know Her Like I Do" is my jam. I always change the words to "u don't know him like I do, that boy's my best friend" and just zone out. It's kind of a sad song, but at least there's lots of guitars! All UR Americana stuff just has guitars that aren't plugged in and violins or something. It sounds like an elephant just lost his best friend. And who cares about country? I don't want to hear some redneck from Dogpoot, Tennessee whining about his woman and his whiskey. That's not real life. Real life is texting and flirting and going to see The Possession on Friday night (don't tell my dad) and laying out in the backyard listening to HUNTER HUNTER HUNTER! So, in summary, country music is about what us kids like and the songs we download on OUR iPhones and what we do after the football game when our parents think we're having a sleepover! It's not about what old people like my parents like. George Strait is old enough to be my grandpop, I don't want my grandpop up on stage in tight western jeans singing about love, gross! So all u people over 25, move out of the way or get run over! Go play Pac-man or listen to Guns and Roses or take ur vitamins.

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