Aug 27, 2018

Fake News Classics: Alan Jackson Seeks Embarrassing Dud for Next Album

I recently received a file from CM Wilcox of the former Country California that includes all my old fake news posted at that dearly departed site. Some of them aren't relevant anymore or don't make sense to repost, but from time to time, I'll be posting some of those stories for your reading enjoyment or annoyance. Here's one.

Alan Jackson Seeks Embarrassing Dud for Next Album

Originally posted on Country California, Tuesday, January 05, 2010

As lead single "It's Just That Way" hits select radio stations, Alan Jackson has made an open call for a particular song type to fill out the track listing on his next studio album.

"Well shucks," said the long tall Georgian, "we were doing a final listen through of all the tracks to determine the song order for the new record and noticed something strange. All the songs were devoid of awkward 'hip' phrases, bad near-rhymes, strange metaphors, dopey technology references and lines that would sound corny or dated by next year. I grabbed Keith (Stegall, his producer) and told him, 'Doggone man, we've gotta open up a slot!'"

To that end, Jackson has announced that single song submissions will be accepted through January 31, 2010 for a possible cut on his late spring release.

"I could write one myself, but I'm a little burned out on songs about not liking to wear sandals and I can't think of any more not-that-clever ways to say I'm a simple man, so I wanted to invite fans and fellow writers to submit their own turds," laughed Jackson. "I don't know, maybe something about that Kenya West fella or something?"

The near-legendary traditionalist country singer has a stellar record of classic songs during his twenty year career, but has made sure to give a little something back to the undiscerning fan on every record.

"You know, Brad Paisley used to put a gospel song on every CD; it was his signature for a while. Well, my signature is one ill-advised, shockingly embarrassing cut per record," explained Jackson, who named "www.memory," "I Still Like Bologna," and "that one about cornbread and chicken" as examples.

A notice posted to Jackson's website offers the following topical suggestions for song entries: wearing a fanny pack, a knee infection, deer hunting as a contrived (PG rated) sexual metaphor, an Alan Jackson Droid app, affection for an old go-cart, weedeating while drunk, and beef jerky.




1 comment:

  1. Yeah, this is definitely fake news. The "ill-advised, shockingly embarrassing cut" type of song isn't just a single song on every record ever put out by the Nickelback of country music. No, it's the whole goddamn thing. My point exactly, when I think of Alan Jackson, I think of stupid songs that disgrace country music and cement the stereotype that the genre is made for ignorant, racist, Libertarian, cousin-fucking trailer trash rednecks like "It's Alright to Be a Redneck" (the title tells you all you need to know), "I Still Like Bologna", "I Don't Even Know Your Name" (that stupid piece of shit is about as country as the Shawn Mendes song of the same name), "Jim and Jack and Hank" (thankfully that pile of ear cancer flopped), and that stupid 9/11-exploiting song where he couldn't tell the difference between Iraq and Iran, as well as proto-bro-country songs like "Chattahoochee", "Country Boy", and "Where I Come From". Indeed, it was none other than Alan Jackson who invented bro-country and metro-bro. Not only that, but it was also Alan Jackson who ushered in the popularity of country rap (aka hick-hop), as it was other than Jackson who not only used, out of all people, rapper Polow da Don. In case you don't know, this is the same guy who produced Nicki Minaj's 2014 atrocity "Anaconda", as well as other songs for fellow rappers like 50 Cent, Travis Scott, Rich Boy, and Gucci Mane, among others. Not only that, but Jackson has also covered multiple rap songs in concert, specifically
    * Akon - Don't Matter
    * Wiz Khalifa - We Dem Boyz ( video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QFOtWpul3ZY )
    * Tyga - Hookah
    * Soulja Boy - Turn My Swag On
    * Soulja Boy - I Got that Sauce
    * Future - Mask Off
    * Flo Rida - Whistle
    * T.I. - Whatever You Like
    * Big Sean ft. Nicki Minaj - Dance (A$$)
    * Lil Wayne - Love Me
    * Drake - Passionfruit
    * Offset - Ric Flair Drip
    * Waka Flocka Flame - Hard in da Paint
    * Shaquille O'Neal - (I Know I Got) Skillz
    * Fetty Wap - Jugg
    To be frank, if it weren't for Jackson and his "ill-advised, shockingly embarrassing" excuses for music, we wouldn't have bro-country hacks like Luke Bryan, Florida Georgia Line, Kane Brown, Cole Swindell, and Dan + Shay poisoning country radio, nor would there be non-country artists gaining so much popularity within country music like pop star Bebe Rexha with her hit "Meant to Be" holding the record for the longest running number one country song at 50 weeks and rapper Lil Nas X going viral with his hit "Old Town Road" at the number one spot on the Billboard Hot 100 and (despite being removed from the country charts with much controversy) likely to make a return the country charts sooner or later. Labeling Jackson and his "ill-advised, shockingly embarrassing" excuses for music as "country" like labeling Drake as heavy metal. Jackson and his "ill-advised, shockingly embarrassing" are truly beyond a disgrace to real country music.
    #AlanJacksonKilledCountry

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