Fake News Classics: One Truck Still Doesn't Have a Country Song Written About It

One of Brenda's more fortunate classmates

Originally posted on Country California, Wednesday, July 23, 2014

A single 1974 Dodge Club Cab pickup in Oak Vale, Mississippi, has somehow escaped the gaze and thoughtful tune-smithing of country music songwriters. The sky blue four-speed vehicle resting beneath the spreading boughs of a 61-year-old magnolia tree to the side of retired farmer Clyde Henderson's modest home has never once been the lyrical setting of a tailgate party, mudding adventure, or late night tryst. 

Henderson says he feels bad for "Brenda" (his affectionate name for the Dodge) because even though she has taken part in such activities as circling up for a party, carrying wood for a bonfire, rolling over in a ditch on a tight curve, cranking ol' Hank, and other country music tropes, not so much as a chorus has ever memorialized her in song. "I think it hurts her - yeah, I think she has feelings - to hear literally every other pickup truck in America get its own few minutes of fame on country radio," said a downcast Henderson. 

These days, Brenda spends much of her time taking Clyde to his morning breakfast club or hauling the occasional load of firewood, her hard-partying glory days only documented in the dings, scrapes, and squeaks on the old Club Cab. "Don't tell Lena [Clyde's wife of 42 years] I said this, but our first kid was made in that ol' truck one night down by Jeff Davis Lake, while fireflies danced and Ray Price sang on those crackling speakers," recalled Henderson. "Hell, that's a platinum Jason Aldean single just waiting to happen." 

Other marketable, high-country-cred events in Brenda's past that have inexplicably been overlooked by Nashville's finest include: hauling ass down River Road with a stolen case of High Life in the bed, getting stuck in a soybean field on purpose, playing host to a tailgate striptease by Lena (don't tell her we said that), flying a rebel flag, taking Clyde and a friend to a Bocephus concert, and more. 

At press time, 64 Music Row songwriters were wondering why their GPS couldn't locate Oak Vale. 

Fake News Classics: Alan Jackson Seeks Embarrassing Dud for Next Album

I recently received a file from CM Wilcox of the former Country California that includes all my old fake news posted at that dearly departed site. Some of them aren't relevant anymore or don't make sense to repost, but from time to time, I'll be posting some of those stories for your reading enjoyment or annoyance. Here's one.

Alan Jackson Seeks Embarrassing Dud for Next Album

Originally posted on Country California, Tuesday, January 05, 2010

As lead single "It's Just That Way" hits select radio stations, Alan Jackson has made an open call for a particular song type to fill out the track listing on his next studio album.

"Well shucks," said the long tall Georgian, "we were doing a final listen through of all the tracks to determine the song order for the new record and noticed something strange. All the songs were devoid of awkward 'hip' phrases, bad near-rhymes, strange metaphors, dopey technology references and lines that would sound corny or dated by next year. I grabbed Keith (Stegall, his producer) and told him, 'Doggone man, we've gotta open up a slot!'"

To that end, Jackson has announced that single song submissions will be accepted through January 31, 2010 for a possible cut on his late spring release.

"I could write one myself, but I'm a little burned out on songs about not liking to wear sandals and I can't think of any more not-that-clever ways to say I'm a simple man, so I wanted to invite fans and fellow writers to submit their own turds," laughed Jackson. "I don't know, maybe something about that Kenya West fella or something?"

The near-legendary traditionalist country singer has a stellar record of classic songs during his twenty year career, but has made sure to give a little something back to the undiscerning fan on every record.

"You know, Brad Paisley used to put a gospel song on every CD; it was his signature for a while. Well, my signature is one ill-advised, shockingly embarrassing cut per record," explained Jackson, who named "www.memory," "I Still Like Bologna," and "that one about cornbread and chicken" as examples.

A notice posted to Jackson's website offers the following topical suggestions for song entries: wearing a fanny pack, a knee infection, deer hunting as a contrived (PG rated) sexual metaphor, an Alan Jackson Droid app, affection for an old go-cart, weedeating while drunk, and beef jerky.