"Life Metal" Band Actually Very Brutal

From time to time, I may write fake news stories, similar to the ones I write for Country California, that aren't about country artists... I wrote this one a while back and forgot about it. Maybe that was for the best.

"Life Metal" Band Actually Very Brutal

"Life metal" band Virile Parturition wants fans of similar genres like death metal, goregrind and brutal death metal to know that they are just as brutal, despite their decidedly different lyrical approach.

"My boy Knute on the lead guitar plays faster and louder than anybody on the f*ckin' face of this wonderful world." said lead singer Geoff Paulstein, "You can put our work alongside anybody from Cannibal Corpse, Dying Fetus, Venom… and quite honestly, you won't be able to tell a difference. Unless you read the lyric sheet."

For better or worse, Paulstein is correct. From their unreadably brutal-looking band logo to their machine gun percussion section to the brutal cookie monster vocals, Virile Parturition is virtually indistinguishable from Necrophagist, Decapitated, Brain Drill and other bands who delight in death, gore and dismemberment.

What sets VP apart, by a long shot, is their preference for positivity and celebrating life. "Now we ain't no Christian band or nothing," said Popeye-forearmed drummer Keith "Hammer" Hales, "We get graphic too - biology can be very disgusting - and we cuss a lot… but mostly we just get off on being brutally in love with life!"

Featuring lyrics like "Feel the f**king throb of plasma/Digestion into intestinal miasma," Virile Parturition isn't afraid to get downright explicit with their lyrics. Their song "Parturient Prostitute" describes in detail the bloody but charmingly unpalatable birthing process of an 18th century sex-worker with gut churning lines like "She screwed Parliamentarians to pay the rent- ahhhh… Now she's screaming, squeezing out placenta."

While most of their album covers don't feature the blood and guts that go along with the particular sound of the band, Paulstein insists that life is every bit as brutal as death. "Do you know what sort of stresses the joints experience in a day's time?" he asked, "Our song 'Orthopedic Rehabilitation' is every bit as revolting and brutal as, say, Carcass' 'Exhume to Consume.'"

Their third album Culmination of Copulation has already been banned from Walmart shelves due to the sheer brutality of the sound and the words, according to Hales, though Walmart officials said they'd never heard of the group or album.

Justin Moore says...

Justin Moore says...

Happy Birthday Gary!

The Big G turns 41 today. Don't eat the whole thing!

Larry Lee Reviews The Pistol Annies

Pistol Annies - Hell on Heels (click to hear)

Do I even have to tell you that the title itself immediately presented me with a crisis of faith? I prayed over this song for a good hour the other day and no answer came. I took that as a "you're on your own" from the Big Guy.

Then I saw the cover of this single. Three comely young gals who appear to be holed up in a brothel awaiting their johns. Really, Trailer? You're already about to bust the gates of Hades wide open, why drag me with you?

Anyway, I came to the conclusion that I need to give this song a listen so I can warn the evil-doers who read this blog of the dangers it may present to their steady walk on the razor's edge.

"I done made the devil a deal" is a central statement in this deviant work of musical "art." Aside from their poor usage of grammar, they are telling us here that they buy wholesale into Satan's plan for overthrowing our one and true Savior as the King. And they plan to tell the already mindless masses of NASCAR dads, bridge-playing biddies and soccer moms who listen to country radio of their sinful ways, as if proud of their new proclivity.

And what exactly was this deal made by these hussies? Their very souls for sexual attractiveness that they will use to procure riches of this world from "sugar daddies." I'll be damned (Sorry Lord). Tres Harlots (as I will refer to them from hence) go down the list of men they've taken to the cleaners by offering their hoochie coo as barter.

Mrs. Blake Shelton even confesses doing the dirty deed with a married man. How apropo for this blonde floozy who has, in the past, sung of killing men, drinking wine and smoking cigarettes. There is already a pit in Hell with her name on a neon sign, just waiting.

Tres Harlots have lovely voices and they blend them very nicely. This is my only positive statement about this dreadful song. It's like a pile of cow feces presented in a nice shiny Walmart gift sack.

Diamond rings, GTOs, yachts... are any of these worth spreading your legs and accepting Satan's seed? No, they are not. Yet, Tres Harlots hold up these idols as greater than salvation.

I implore you to change the station to the lower FM stations to find some good Perrys or the Ball Brothers to cleanse your soul of this garbage.

Tres Strumpets gets an unquestioned

F