Some pop parody covers, heavy on the Aguilera

___ Deserves a Sackpunch #9

Anyone Who Wears a Flat Brim Cap

Here's where I show my age and my lack of swag. I guess this isn't necessarily music related (though I saw some people wearing these at Riverfest a couple weeks ago), but this is a trend that's really getting my goat right now. Flat f*cking brim hats. This is the dumbest looking style that has come onto my radar in some time (yeah, it's been around a few years, but it's just now getting big across the south), and dammit, I've lived through parachute pants (did not have), denim jackets (yep), mullets (did have), tight rolled jeans (once or twice), tramp stamps (uh no), saggy drawers (hell no!) and zip off cargo pants (?).

Basically, some "kids these days" (males ages 13-22) are wearing baseball hats with the brims either flattened out manually or purposely bought that way. I'm talking flat enough to set a drink up there for later. Flat enough to install solar panels. And they mean for it to look that way, it's not that the caps are un-broken in. To further piss me off, these whippersnappers cock the hats back on their pinheads at odd angles or turned slightly sideways. It is my belief that these young men sport them in this manner, not to attract the opposite sex (as if), but to rebel against the rules and laws of pleasing aesthetics.

As if the wearing of the egregious headgear and the askew presentation wasn't enough, some of these under-22 males have large, ugly-ass stickers on the bills. Really? Why don't they just go on and wear a purple top-hat that says "I'm a moron" on it? That would make it slightly easier for me to avoid them. I wouldn't have to get close enough to see their acne riddled face before realizing that they were, in fact, not of high enough intelligence to give me the directions I was seeking or tell me what time it was.

I'm not sure what culture originated this style, but it looks stupid on red and yellow, black and white - they are not precious in my sight - so it's not something I "don't understand" because I'm not of a particular race. I've seen these caps on white kids more than anyone and it looks drop-dead foolish regardless of skin tone.

Happily, these dolts' pushed back caps provide a clearer shot for decent humans and members of the style police to punch their smug faces in. And yes, do this at home. I fully support those who would inflict (moderate) harm on perpetrators of this horrific look. (for legal reasons I ask that you not say I gave you the idea though and if said activity happens, I was just kidding a couple of sentences ago... ha ha I meant ridicule, not physical harm)

You put a fist in their face, I'll punch 'em in the sack. Hopefully they'll never reproduce.

Some related links:

http://disgrasian.blogspot.com/2008/10/sports-illustrasian-world-series.html

Anti-Flat Brim Hats Facebook Page

Things I Can't Stand (language warning!)

Songs Illustrated #21

Country Day June '10

Top 10 Worst Voices in Contemporary Music

Click links for samples.

10. Ke$ha

Honestly, her voice doesn't bother me that much, but I see where the hate comes from. Ke$ha (if that really is her name) sounds like a combination of drunken valley girl, fake b-girl and Paris Hilton. Not exactly a combo that many people are clamoring for. Don't worry haters, she won't be around long. 11:02, 11:03... tick tock tik tok

9. Uncle Kracker

UK has a tolerable enough everyman voice that really doesn't offend (he's even passable live), but uh, so do a lot of other people who don't actually put their voices onto albums to sell to music fans. He started out as Kid Rock's DJ. Does that last sentence even need a snarky comment?

8. Rihanna

I actually enjoy a lot of Rihanna's songs, but I've got to admit she has a pretty un-dynamic voice. If country music is three chords and the truth, Rihanna's sound is one note and the truth. I'd rather run out into the rain than hear "Umbrella" again. Eay! Eay!

7. Shooter Jennings

Shooter is a genetic marvel, in my opinion. His dad was handsome and had the booming voice of a honky-tonk god. His mom was beautiful and had/has a lovely voice. Shooter is as ugly as a wet rat chewing on a hornet and only twice as talented vocally.

6. Taylor Swift

What more can I say? And why would I have to? She's not that bad, but when you're at the head of the class commercially, is it too much to expect for you to sing above a loud whisper and carry a tune? I will say that I'm almost annoyed enough by the awards shows' recent self-correction in regards to lauding of her work (hey, you guys hitched your wagon to her; you look like hypocrites for shunning her now!) to leave her off this list, but nah. Facts are facts.

5. Gary Levox (of Rascal Flatts)

Gary "The Voice" (to new readers, that really is what his stage name means) might sound "okay" on wax, but his nasal shriek is pretty grating on the ears live. His high notes sometimes call to mind times I accidentally stepped on my cat's foot. That debacle with Jamie Foxx was unforgivable for someone who didn't have much goodwill built up in the first place.

4. Ashlee Simpson

One only need reference the Orange Bowl catastrophe or her disastrous SNL appearance for proof that Ash is the less talented Simpson (and that's saying something). What's even more difficult to believe is that she may have married down artistically.

3. Lil Wayne

This one's kinda a cop-out because, granted, he doesn't make his Benjamins as a singer, but when you put yourself out there as a singer, as Wayne frequently does live and did on his recent utter flop, Rebirth, you gotta expect to get shredded. His rapping voice isn't exactly a thing of beauty so what convinced him to warble is beyond me... oh wait, I know.

2. Bright Eyes/Conor Oberst

Conor Oberst is adored by tens and tens of fans, a veritable cult of douchenality, but I don't get the appeal. He sounds like a goat stuck in a box fan. His tunes are yawn inducing, so he doesn't even get the Bob Dylan pass. He just sucks.

1. "Dixie" Dave Collins (of Weedeater)

You've never heard him before unless you're a stoner (I've only heard him because, like, I've been exploring stoner metal lately ...uh, seriously dude) but Dave's voice is more shredded than anyone else's who's ever vocalized into a studio microphone. He sounds as though he's ingested copious amounts of weed (obviously), whiskey, meth, hot gravel, sand, glass shards, burning cigarettes, metal filings and sawdust. To say he sounds as pleasant as the band's namesake would be an overstatement. Besides, a weedeater can hold a note. Luckily, his fans don't care.