Every #1 Country Song of the 2000s: 2001

2001

By Bobby Peacock

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January 20: "Born to Fly" by Sara Evans

"I've been telling my dreams to the scarecrow" is one of those opening lines that knocks it out of the park immediately. It's such a clever introduction to this song's underlying theme of wanting to expand your horizons, and it honestly feels like a natural complement to the song before it. Every single line is clever and inspirational, a tough needle to thread ("How do you keep your feet on the ground when you know that you were born to fly?"). The timbales in the production, followed by that strong acoustic strum. Dobro, and string-heavy coda, add a fantastic sonic backdrop to Sara's voice -- bold yet twangy, adding pop without removing country. Sara Evans can be hit-and-miss at times, but her best material is every bit as strong as her contemporaries. A

January 27: "Without You" by The Chicks

I don't know why this seems to be the one big Chicks hit that no one remembers, because it's easily up to their standards. "I've sure enjoyed the rain, but I'm looking forward to the sun" is a damn great opening line, and it continues in the same fashion, keeping up a surprising slow-burn about a failing relationship. The way it's more relaxed in delivery and production -- love the subtle strings and Dobro -- makes it almost an outlier, if not for the fact that "You Were Mine" also exists. While this one isn't quite as hard-hitting as "You Were Mine," that's not a knock against this song either. I can't deny a line like "Somebody tell my head to try to tell my heart that I'm better off without you," especially with how it leads into that beautiful falsetto. This is every bit as strong as "Cowboy Take Me Away" and in my opinion deserves the same recognition. A

February 3: "Tell Her" by Lonestar

This is probably one of the only times where Dann Huff amping things up was a good move. The album version is too restrained to the point of sounding wimpy, but the radio edit went for a much bolder arrangement that forces Richie McDonald into a fuller delivery that never goes over the top. When you hear him sing "Tell her that you need her" on the radio edit, he sounds like a guy who's been there, who made some mistakes, and is offering well-placed advice -- whereas on the album version, he just sounds like Dan + Shay on a bad day. Lyrically, this is one of their best from the power ballad era, and I'm amazed (pun intended) as to why this isn't in the same caliber as "Amazed" or "I'm Already There." It's good stuff especially if you bother to track down the radio edit -- something not even their Greatest Hits album could be bothered to do. A (radio edit) / B- (album version)

February 17: "There Is No Arizona" by Jamie O'Neal

This one hooked me in on first listen and I still maintain it as one of the best of the entire decade. The narrative is surprisingly nuanced: he says he's going to start a new life with her in Arizona, but instead uses this as an excuse to ditch her entirely before she gives up hope. The title alone tells you everything, but the narrative is so compelling from first to last word. O'Neal's voice is bold and commanding, recalling Chely Wright with a little bit of Rosanne Cash thrown in. I especially love the mix of acoustic guitar and drum loops, creating a very distinctive sonic palette that can hardly be better matched to the fantastic lyrics. From this song alone, I can tell you Jamie O'Neal deserved way the hell more of a career than what she got. A+

February 24: "But for the Grace of God" by Keith Urban

Having not yet found his sound, Keith Urban aimed for the motivational market. The first verse paints the picture of neighbors fighting, something I've witnessed many times myself. I don't even have an issue with the fact that he wants to pray for them. But it's the prayer itself that kills this song: "But for the grace of God go I / I must've been born a lucky guy / Heaven only knows how I've been blessed with the gift of Your love." I'm reminded of the prayer of the Pharisee as recounted in Luke 18: "God, I thank You that I am not like other people--robbers, evildoers, adulterers--or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get." If the verses had been completely identical, and the chorus more empathetic -- praying for the fighting neighbors' and old man's lives to become better, or even offering a helping hand -- then I would be fine with the message. But as it is, the self-centered humble-brag of the chorus ruins everything here. I will say, I do like how relaxed Keith's delivery is, and how this is one of his more country-sounding production jobs. I just wish this had a better message. C-

March 3: "You Shouldn't Kiss Me Like This" by Toby Keith

What I find interesting about Toby Keith at this point is how he hadn't quite shed the smooth balladry of his '90s work; he just got a better producer. This is a harder, old-school country lyric about feeling lost in the moment with someone you shouldn't be with (the old "just friends" trope), accentuated by a slow-building chorus. I love how the chorus actually begins with the hook and just keeps building up line after line to set the mood even further, alongside some unusual chord structures. I also like how the title transforms into "When you kiss me like this, I think you mean it like that / If you do, baby, kiss me again" for that added bit of tension. Some of Toby Keith's best works are ballads thanks to his flair for drama mixed with his ever-present grit, and this exemplifies his strengths on slower songs. A

March 10: "One More Day" by Diamond Rio

Diamond Rio became way more pop at the end of the '90s, but they did so without subtracting country -- thanks in no small part to their ever-present twangy harmony. This could have been a standard piano ballad, but Marty Roe and his bandmates (not to mention the prominent mandolin) cut away any semblance of gloss. Although it was written as a love song, the premise of wanting "one more day" found a new life after the fact, as even the band themselves pointed out. Fans of Dale Earnhardt, those who witnessed the Oklahoma State University plane crash, and of course, those who lost family and friends in 9/11 all related with that premise in a way that the song was not originally intended to convey. And who doesn't love the hook of "But then again, I know what it would do / Leave me wishing still for one more day with you"? It's clever and meaningful, never trite. Broad appeal and subtext are hard to pull off without sounding vague or boring, but I'd say they more than got it right. A

April 7: "Who I Am" by Jessica Andrews

I wanted to root for Jessica Andrews. After all, LeAnn Rimes had already gone full pop, and Lila McCann never had anything even remotely as good as "Down Came a Blackbird." Unfortunately, Jessica's only big hit was also her worst. Even at the time, I thought this song sounded like what two 40-something men think teenage girls think about. Is an 18-year-old really going to dream about the Seven Wonders? It doesn't even stick to its focus, as halfway through it degrades into more fortune-cookie gibberish without an underlying narrative. Exactly what mistakes did she make? Why does being Rosemary's granddaughter matter toward her identity? (Especially when, as I've pointed out many times, her grandmother isn't actually named Rosemary?) There's no semblance of personality, and it's all sold in a bland uninspired vocal performance with bland uninspired production. Why couldn't she have had a hit with her cover of "Unbreakable Heart" instead? D-

April 28: "Ain't Nothing 'bout You" by Brooks & Dunn

After a weak 1999 and 2000, Brooks & Dunn were back, bigger and better than ever. This song is their biggest sounding, immediately leading off with electric guitar, hard drums, and slap bass. Right out of the gate, B&D had a message to convey: they're back, bigger and better than ever. Yes, that's still Ronnie Dunn, twangy and gruff as ever -- even Kix is higher up in the mix than usual. The lyrics are some of their quirkiest and most fun when portraying how much he loves her, freed of the chauvinism or formula that bogs down some of their '90s hits. (Favorite line: "I love your attitude, your rose tattoo, your every thought / Your smile, your lips, and your the list goes on and on and on.") Even without the subtext of this being the genesis of a massive comeback era for them, it's still a fantastic example of B&D firing on all cylinders with an accessible, unique, and fun love song that easily ranks among their best. A+

June 9: "Don't Happen Twice" by Kenny Chesney

Kenny Chesney around this point is quite interesting in how he was beginning to cut higher-quality material but had yet to cohere into his famous arena rock-meets-beach bum style. Of course, songs like "The Tin Man" and "That's Why I'm Here" show he was always able to aim his sights a bit higher. This song is no exception. It's not as original as the former or deep as the latter, but it's still a lot of fun. There truly is nothing like falling in love for the first time (something even I, an outspoken aromantic, can tell you). I love the little details of singing Janis Joplin and drinking wine out of Dixie cups on the hood of a car for that extra bit of quirkiness. But to me, the song's appeal is in just how chill it is, combined with its observations of how any "first time" with anything -- not just the love in this story arc -- can't be re-created. A-

June 16: "Grown Men Don't Cry" by Tim McGraw

I have a weakness for songs where men show their emotions. It's so subversive that even if the execution doesn't fully land, the premise can usually carry it to the finish line. It's a bit sappy what with the homeless mother and son living in their car and the little girl saying "I love you, dad" at the end, but I do like the twist in the second verse -- where the memories of the narrator's father are quickly swept away by the sudden revelation that said father is now dead. (I had a lot of missed opportunities with my own dad before his death, so that kind of stuff almost always hits me.) Tim's voice is a little whiny in his attempts to sound sincere, but I can chalk that up to this being a bit of a transitional period for him artistically. Maybe a little less preaching in the third verse (Tom Douglas usually nails the religious references, but I think he overshot a bit here), and this could be great instead of merely decent. B

June 23: "I'm Already There" by Lonestar

What would "Cat's in the Cradle" sound like without the details, introspection, or reversal of roles at the end? Take that, and layer on strings, guitars, and a whiny over-the-top vocal (all of which are far worse in the radio edit, by the way), and you get "I'm Already There." The father doesn't even try to reflect or offer any kind words; he just says I know you miss me, but I'm already there. Can't you see me? I totally love you through my inaction. And then it dumps the kids in favor of letting the wife have a turn, only to get the exact same cold shoulder. This was the exact point where I gave up on Lonestar -- they were no longer the "No News" guys, they were this. How did Frank J. Myers go from all those great Eddy Raven songs to glop like this? F

August 4: "When I Think About Angels" by Jamie O'Neal

"Why does the color of my coffee match your eyes?" is an easy line to make fun of, but I get what she was going for. This is just a cute song with its whole "one thing leads to another" thought process, something I would consider one of the closest attempts at conveying ADHD in lyrical form. Rain leads to Singin' in the Rain, which leads to singing a heavenly tune, then to angels, then to the guy who's also an angel. That's a lot less cutesy than I'm making it sound, and it's helped by Jamie O'Neal never over-selling it. I do think the backing vocals are mixed a little weird (to the point I used to think some of them were sped up Alvin and the Chipmunks style), but a couple of minor auditory quirks don't do any harm to a premise this charming. B+

August 11: "Austin" by Blake Shelton

Right out of the gate, I knew Blake Shelton had something special. This sounded fresh and traditional at the time, and depsite the use of an answering machine, I think it still holds up today. I love how Austin is both the setting and the name of the woman. I love how the answering machine message changes with each chorus to convey the emotional changes of the breakup. His voice is gritty and dramatic, and the production builds up with him to a fantastic third chorus ("Can't you tell, this is Austin / And I still love you"). Literally everything works on this song, and I think it set the bar almost too high for the rest of his career. (Although he did have a lot of gold early on.) I just wish he'd go back to this style. A+

September 15: "I'm Just Talkin' About Tonight" by Toby Keith

More tongue-in-cheek swagger from Toby Keith. This one has a pretty standard "I'm not ready to commit" narrative that on the surface most of us have probably heard a billion times. But there are a lot of elements in play that make it stand out. First, I love how the chorus works from high notes down to a low register on the line "that would be too demanding." I love how the woman in the song has some degree of agency and we get a few lines from her perspective. I love the little chuckle before "easy now" at the second chorus. This guy is way too easygoing and self-aware to come across as a lout. Literally the only reason I can't consider this one of his best is because he has an even better comedy song coming up a few entries down. A

September 22: "What I Really Meant to Say" by Cyndi Thomson

I hated that breathy singing style when I was a teen, but I've since grown to love it. (Shout out to Kellie Coffey.) This one has another highly enjoyable sonic element in the form of a penny whistle. (Shout out to the Chicks' "Ready to Run.") And that blends into some distorted organ and mandolin for a unique texture. It's also got that narrative I love so much about hiding emotions. Every suppressed emotion builds from verse to chorus: "I guess that's when I smiled and said 'just fine' / Oh, but baby, I was lyin' / What I really meant to say / Is I'm dying here inside..." Just like the similarly-themed "Just to See You Smile," there's a degree of understatement and tension that lingers for the rest of the song. And I think it works every bit as well, thanks to a distinctly different writing and production style. It's a shame she bailed after only this one album, because she clearly had the talent for more. A+

October 13: "Where I Come From" by Alan Jackson

What a waste of a perfectly solid, ZZ Top-esque groove. The first verse and chorus really have nothing wrong with them, as the trucker gets pulled over by a cop and questioned about his very out-of-place Southern accent in New Jersey. But then the second verse hits, where "south of Detroit City" (a note to both AJ and Journey -- it's called "Downriver") he insults a waitress for not making biscuits like his mom's. Then the third verse, he turns down a lady in California who flirts with him, only because she doesn't "sing soprano." That to me is probably the worst verse (even before we get to the awful slant-rhyme of Ventura/finger, and what the hell "had to use my finger" even means in this context). I've heard it derided  by others as everything from merely rejecting non-standard femininity to possible transphobia. The fourth verse isn't that bad either, but by that point you're tired of all the droning, not to mention the way he can't keep straight whether the chorus references sittin' or pickin', and whether it's on the front or back porch. Even if you're not as put off by the second and third verses as I am, this song is still just too damn long for no reason. D

October 27: "Only in America" by Brooks & Dunn

Although this song was released before 9/11, its themes certainly hit home afterward. Patriotic songs can sometimes get too extra by being too idealistic or vague, or too angry. This one, thankfully, avoids all the pitfalls. The kids in the school bus in the first verse could all have good or bad outcomes, from future President to future inmate; verse two even points out two aspirational entertainers who are presented with an option to chase their dreams or go back home. The chorus presents a picture of those who "dream as big as we want to" and how "everybody gets a chance" -- while such lyrics might hit differently after the likes of George Floyd, January 6, transphobic laws being passed in several states, and other unfortunate threats on those in our country, I think they still hold up as images of what America should be. We should be the "land of the free." To me, a further mark in this song's favor is that both George W. Bush and Barack Obama used it as a campaign song. This song unified people, and I hope it's not too late to reclaim the sense of unity and peace this song calls out for. A+

November 10: "Angry All the Time" by Tim McGraw

An otherwise great song with two minor faults that drag it down. I genuinely like the maturity that goes into a lyric like "I don't know why you gotta be angry all the time," and how we watch a relationship slowly come undone throughout. A more cynical read might paint this song as one-sided and defensive, but I never saw it that way. I think it's helped by the fact that Tim was really sinking into a more mature and thoughtful role, not to mention a slightly deeper and smoother vocal delivery that almost never oversold anything he sang. However, the line "twenty years have came and went" always bothered me -- normally I'm not that picky about grammar, but when the wrong grammar scans objectively worse, it just bugs me. The other thing is that Faith Hill's backing vocal -- while thematically relevant to the lyrics -- is as dissonant as ever. I've never thought that she and Tim had any chemistry on their collaborative songs and in fact, they often sound extremely clashing to me because of how utterly dissimilar their vocal tones are. Overall, a flawed but worthwhile package. B+

November 24: "I Wanna Talk About Me" by Toby Keith

I told you Toby had an even better comedy song coming up. This song is like absolutely nothing else on radio then or now, and I think it's all the better for it. The rap flow and beat are surprisingly strong for what was likely written as a joke, but I think it's way too lyrically sharp to be a "Red Solo Cup" style shitpost. This guy seems willing to engage in his wife's conversations about her own life -- he never sounds like he's mocking her in a "women, amirite?' tone, just playfully acknowledging that she's got a lot to say. "You know talkin' about you makes me smile / But every once in a while / I wanna talk about me" shows that he does truly care; he just wants to get in a few words of his own too. Just like with "How Do You Like Me Now?!," I think most of the people who bashed on this song just need to lighten up. This is fun, damn it. A+

December 29: "Where Were You (When the World Stopped Turning)" by Alan Jackson

9/11 inspired a lot of patriotic music that unfortunately reinforced a lot of red-state stereotypes, so hearing Alan Jackson's calm retrospective is a total breath of fresh air. I can remember walking between first and second period in high school and being told a plane hit the World Trade Center; I thought someone was pulling my leg, until we spent the entire rest of the day watching CNN instead of school work. I remember patriotic posters being put up in the school, and then later taken down because people kept vandalizing them with Islamophobic tirades. Most of America was just doing everyday things, and then we just... weren't. We were shocked, sad, angry, all kinds of emotions. The emotions ran the gamut, but Alan smartly knew how to put a positive spin on it. Loving one's neighbor, one's enemy even, was a far better answer to our problems than all the jingoism and bigotry that would follow and are still being felt today. And with his relaxing delivery and observant slice-of-life lyrics, Alan had a masterful message that I wish more of us had taken to heart. A

Previously: 2000

The Worst Country Songs of the Decade (2000-2009)

The Worst Country Songs of 2000-2009

By Bobby Peacock a.k.a. TenPoundHammer

"Bob That Head" by Rascal Flatts

If Gary LeVox screeching "BOB THAT HEAD!" at full blast doesn't scare you away immediately, then you must be the most stoic person alive. Not that the rest of the song is any better. Even after the label wisely sent out an edited version, it still didn't change the dopey, meatheaded proto-bro-country lyrics about riding around town with a hot girl in your car -- a theme that fits Gary LeVox about as comfortably as a pair of size 36 slacks from Ross Dress for Less.

"Bonfire" by Craig Morgan

Like I pointed out in the 2010s list, this is the point where Craig decided that screaming everything in an over-exaggerated drawl was the same thing as singing. To be fair, "party in the woods" songs weren't nearly as omnipresent as they would be in later years, but the harsh sonic surroundings do nobody any favors. Can you believe Kevin "That's Just Jessie" Denney wrote this?

"The Bumper of My SUV" by Chely Wright

As the AV Club once pointed out... how does Chely in the song know that she's being flipped off because of her bumper sticker? Why does she act so bluntly defensive over something she's only assuming? Why does she turn around and make such broad assumptions about that person? Maybe that person doesn't go to a private school. Maybe they don't give two shits about your bumper sticker. Or your stance on war. Or that fact that this song just drones on and on without any melodic changes.

"The Christmas Shoes" by NewSong

Most CCM is just too slickly produced and stridently sung for my tastes. But rarely can I hate it on message alone -- if you find something like "I Can Only Imagine" (which I took off this list at the last minute) uplifting, then I won't fault you for it. But what exactly is uplifting here? We've all heard the Patton Oswalt routine so we all know what's wrong with its message. But the sterile production, the pompous lead vocals, and the zombie children singing on the last chorus just really send it over the top, don't they?

"The Climb" by Miley Cyrus

I hate motivational songs. I hate pop songs being sent to country radio for no reason. I... actually don't hate Miley at all. But this is just a mountain of motivational clichés with no real narrative thought or emotion, and it certainly feels like a climb to listen to.

"Concrete Angel" by Martina McBride

I would never make light of child abuse. But like so many of Martina's songs, it feels like it was inserted into the song just to manipulate a bleeding-heart fanbase instead of tell an actual story.  Every second of this song is bombastic and overwrought and, as I've said before, it's like watching a Lifetime movie where everyone is screaming their dialogue.

"Country Boy" by Alan Jackson

When the first thing a 50-year-old man says is "I'm not a stalker", and then he follows it up with a blatant innuendo like "climb in my bed, I'll take you for a ride", all I can ask is why Herbert the Pervert got to record a country song. Not that the clunky melody, God-awful slant rhymes (asphalt/red dirt, help you/take you), and overlong verses (why does the song have two bridges?) do it any favors.

"Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue (The Angry American)" by Toby Keith

Spoiler alert: this list will have a lot of 9/11 and Iraq War songs on it. I have no problem with love of country. I have no problem with anyone who is pro-war or anti-war. What I have a problem with is over-the-top jingoism. (You do know that the Statue of Liberty would have to set down either the torch or the tablets to shake her fist, right?) But what really sent this song over the top for me was the "boot in your ass" line. It just promotes an aggressive, violent, xenophobic mindset and to me, reinforces all the negative stereotypes of the "MURICA" crowd.

"Girls Lie Too" by Terri Clark

I ultimately took the cringeworthy Gretchen Wilson knockoff "Dirty Girl" off this list (come to think of it, "Gypsy Boots" was pretty dreadful too). I decided that two factors make this song even worse: 1.) uninspired attempts at battle-of-the-sexes humor that are either trite or misandristic, and 2.) the blatant chart manipulation that got this song to #1 in the first place.

"God Bless the Children" by Wayne Warner and the Nashville All Star Choir

This guy's slick, strident, overly touchy-feely delivery makes the lead singer of NewSong sound like Leonard Cohen. He both looks and sounds like that child counselor that ends up flashing you. The song was done for an adoption charity, and as my sister is an adoptee I have no issue with his support. But as a musical product, this is cringeworthy in how unlistenable it is.

"God Only Cries" by Diamond Rio

"God only cries for the living 'cause it's the living that are so far from home." So He doesn't cry for the dead because they're no longer with their loved ones? He doesn't cry for the living because He wants them to be comforted in their loss? Does He want everyone to die so the angels can all be happy and no one has to cry anymore? The more I look at that one line alone, the more problematic it comes off.

"The Good Lord and the Man" by John Rich

I was way too soft on this song when I reviewed it for Roughstock in 2009. Where do I even begin? Describing Pearl Harbor as a "sucker punch"? Or how about saying that we'd "all be speaking German / livin' under the flag of Japan" if not for our soldiers? Maybe it wouldn't be too bad from another singer, but from someone who released a song called "Shut Up About Politics" and never managed to follow his own advice, this seems like a fine line between pandering and trolling.

"Have You Forgotten?" by Darryl Worley

Tired of hearing me rant about political songs yet? Just about everyone's picked this one apart for how much of a wrongheaded straw-man argument it is. And I agree -- regardless of the intentions, the song just adds up to a confused mess of patriotic rah-rah lines. And WHY IN GOD'S NAME am I still hearing "You say we shouldn't worry 'bout Bin Laden" on the radio in 2020?!?

"Here for the Party" by Gretchen Wilson

I actually kind of liked Gretchen Wilson. Her grit was refreshing even if a bit calculated at times. But this song was easily the weak link in her debut. It was one of the only times that she sounded forced and over-the-top, instead of letting the fun come naturally, and the whole song just fell flat. And it's probably also her shrillest vocal performance.

"I Ain't No Quitter" by Shania Twain

"My man does literally everything wrong, including excessive womanizing and infidelity. But I'm not getting rid of him because... uh, I'm stubborn?" What a wonderful positive message to send out. Especially when Shania gives one of the most deadpan, lifeless deliveries of her entire career.

"I Hope You Dance" by Lee Ann Womack featuring Sons of the Desert

I hate songs that consist entirely of motivational platitudes with no narrative or through line of any kind. This is one of the biggest, and one of the most infuriating simply for how antipodal it is to the rest of her discography. Even if I weren't as vehemently opposed to this kind of song, I would still find it as out-of-character as I would if George Strait suddenly started recording gangsta rap.

"I'm a Survivor" by Reba McEntire

Starting off the song by declaring yourself to be a premature baby when you clearly weren't absolutely smacks of manipulation. It's the only thing that even gives this song any semblance of flavor, as the rest is sub-Jo Dee Messina level "you go girl" empowerment the likes of which does not fit Reba at all.

"I'm Already There" by Lonestar

Usually in the "when you coming home, Dad?" kind of songs, the father actually does come home at the end. But instead, this one just has the father coldly dismissing the family's valid pleas to come home. (At least I can see how "My Front Porch Looking In" could be uplifting...) Add some of Dann Huff's most bombastic, string-drenched power ballad production and Richie's overwrought singing, and you're just left wondering how this is the same band that did "No News".

"In My Daughter's Eyes" by Martina McBride

In my daughter's eyes, everyone lives in peace and harmony with puppies and sunshine and rainbows. My daughter is going to be so sheltered and doe-eyed when she becomes an adult, because she thinks such syrupy drivel is the truth. Maybe her daughter in this song is actually RaeLynn? This explains so much. At least this one wasn't an ear-splitting belt-fest.

"Iraq and Roll" by Clint Black

Yeah, you probably don't remember this song. It was only on his website for a short time. But lucky for you, the Wayback Machine saved it: Link... if you dare

The song actually starts off inoffensively enough, but then launches headlong into some absolutely laughable lyrics ("If they won't show us their weapons, we might have to show them ours / It might be a smart bomb, they find stupid people too") that seem like the insane ramblings of someone who's been locked in a pod watching nothing but Fox News since 2002.

"Jeep Jeep" by Krista Marie

What would happen if you made a bro-country song before bro-country was even a thing, but flipped the sexes? And gave it a really dumb dumb hook hook that repeats repeats words words for no reason reason? You'd get "Jeep Jeep", of course course. At least she ended up making far better music in The Farm.

"Kiss My Country Ass" by Rhett Akins

Country pride songs are a dime a zillion. Most of them are inoffensive enough, or sometimes even guilty pleasures. Some are even quite well-written. But this is infuriatingly dismissive from its title alone, and it only gets worse with the overly MURICA second verse. It's okay to be country; just don't be a dick about it.

"The Little Girl" by John Michael Montgomery

Nothing good can come from a song based on one of those sickeningly manipulative e-mail stories that got circulated in the early 2000s (nowadays it'd be on Facebook). Even at the time, I read Snopes enough to know how manipulative (both parents get murdered!) and unrealistic (how does he know that's Jesus?) the story is. In the words of Weird Al, "Stop forwarding that crap to me."

"Love Is" by Katrina Elam

Getting back to the subject of ear-splitting belt fests... how about an oversung, over-the-top power of love anthem that brings literally nothing new to the subject other than awkwardly shoehorning in the word "bling"? This sounds like the kind of Celine Dion/Whitney Houston/Mariah Carey knockoffs my mom used to listen to back in the late 90s, only at least 10-15 years too late.

"Loud" by Big & Rich

Horse of a Different Color is one of my all-time favorite albums for how balls-to-the-wall madly creative it was. But as early as the second album, I could tell that Big & Rich were starting to run out of ideas. And by "Loud", they were reduced to a bunch of party-hearty clichés without any semblance of creativity other than a couple of interesting guitar textures. Even their voices sound strained and off on this.

"Mr. Right Now" by Povertyneck Hillbillies

Hey, remember that time you heard what sounded like a local bar band that somehow got on your radio? No, not "I Loved Her First". That one's actually okay. This one, however, just sounds like an utterly uncreative bunch of guys who somehow snuck onto a few playlists. From the unoriginal title to the groan-worthy dance/chance/romance rhyme to the name-drop of Popeye the Sailor Man, this song just screams "not ready for prime time".

"One Voice" by Billy Gilman

Yet another entry in the "Chicken Soup for the Soul" country song movement sparked by "Holes in the Floor of Heaven". Lyrics about as subtle as a ten-pound hammer to the face (mom won't watch the news, meaning she's sheltered and oblivious), all sung by a kid too young to even know what's going on in the world as it is. Maybe an adult singer could have made this at least palatable, but Gilman just wasn't ready for prime time yet.

"Sideways" by Dierks Bentley

One of the most atonal guitar/banjo intros I've ever heard, a chunky melody that flows like a year-old container of cottage cheese, a weaksauce hook, and one of Dierks' dullest deliveries. Maybe on the surface it just sounds mediocre, especially considering how phoned-in the entire Feel That Fire album was, but this song just has that extra degree of not caring that sends it over the top for me.

"Streets of Heaven" by Sherrié Austin

Another song with a perfectly valid topic: a mother's grief about possibly losing a child. But where it fails is in its attempts to browbeat God ("Don't you know one day that she'll be your little girl forever / but right now I need her so much more"). I'm an atheist and I still know that's not how you talk to God. Also, I thought Heaven's streets were made of gold. Not exactly the kind of thing that has a lot of traffic.

"Then" by Brad Paisley

This is actually one of Brad's better vocals and it has a good arrangement. Shame that the lyrics are absolutely unimaginative pap. (No lie, I correctly predicted nearly half the chorus, down to the insipid whole life/whole world/without you, girl rhyme on the first listen.) Even "When I Get Where I'm Going" had some flavor to it, but this is just beyond bland. What makes it worse is that overplay of this one kept the massively superior "Welcome to the Future" from going to #1.

"This Ain't Mexico" by Buddy Jewell

"You can call me a closed-minded, old-fashioned, flag-waving gringo". Yes, because that's what you are. By stapling on stereotypical mariachi sounds to your xenophobic rant against immigrants, along with head-scratching namedrops like Johnny Rodriguez (who was born in Texas, by the way). Oh yeah, and your desire to have that wall built... how's that working out for you 12 years later? I'm surprised you didn't work the word "wetback" in there somewhere.

"This One's for the Girls" by Martina McBride

Can I nominate "living on dreams and Spaghetti-Os" for one of the worst lyrics of all time? If not, then that still doesn't help this song's case. Messina had already beaten girl-power anthems into the ground by this point, and Martina makes it worse with some of the cheesiest lyrics I've ever heard, combined with a gaggle of girls on the obnoxious chorus.

"Troubadour" by George Strait

No, that's not a typo. Everyone hypes this up as one of his best, but I really, really don't get it. This song just feels like it barely exists. Like they just came up with 10% of an idea and left it at that. So you're a troubadour -- what does that mean in this context? Why doesn't the mirror tell the whole truth about you? Why did you rhyme "mirror" with "mirror"? What's your backstory? Why are you telling us so very little?

"The Way You Love Me" by Faith Hill

"If I could grant you one wish / I wish you could see the way you kiss." Um, that's not how wishes work. How did nobody involved in the creation process catch this? While there is an admittedly very clever use of key change on the chorus, that is instantly snuffed out by the bubblegum-pop lyrics (baby/crazy, never seen that one before) and the incessant "ooh"ing to stretch out the meter.

"What I'm For" by Pat Green

Yay, a list song of stock country-boy tropes. Never heard that one before. Let's see: technophobia? Check. Jingoism? Check. Random regional food and drink name-drops? Check, twice actually. Respecting your elders? Check. God? Check. And this is the song you pulled "Country Star" for?

"What If She's an Angel" by Tommy Shane Steiner

One of the last waves of the "Chicken Soup for the Soul" movement and one of its worst. Ripping off "Don't Laugh at Me", a song I already dislike, in its first verse, and then somehow also forcing in abuse and cancer. It's like a genderflipped Martina McBride.

"When It All Goes South" by Alabama

Hey, who wants to hear a band of middle-aged men strain for cred by doing a G-rated ripoff of Kid Rock's "Cowboy"? Nobody, that's who. Not even their collab with 'N Sync was this embarrassingly bad.

"Who I Am" by Jessica Andrews

I tore this one when I wrote about Jessica Andrew forRoughstock back in 2013. It's always felt like two men writing what they think teenage girls think about because they haven't seen any teenage girls in 20 years. No teenager is going to be upset about not seeing the Seven Wonders or not winning a Grammy. Jessica did have good songs in her, but she just sounded dull and lifeless on these facepalm-worthy lyrics.

"You Are" by Jimmy Wayne

When it comes to cliché storms, this is Hurricane Katrina. (Too soon?) "It breaks my heart in two". "You are my love, you are my life." "Heart and soul." "My fantasy, my reality." It's like if you tried to write a country wedding song with a random number generator.