Country Day Feb. '12: Part 2

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews: Josh Abbott Band - Touch

Josh Abbott Band - Touch

This treacherous song, released today… Valentines Day, is entirely about lust of the flesh and sexual copulation. Dear Lord, do these singers from Texas know no bounds to their perversions? If nothing else is "bigger in Texas," their depravity certainly is.

I believe the couple in this musical composition is in fact, unmarried, yet they have given in to the desires of the tallywhacker and the hoo-hoo. These parts of the body have no Holy function besides creating children and removing urine from the body. The tallywhacker is an evil, evil organ which has caused even me to sin before whilst flipping through the Sears and Roebuck catalogue and chancing upon a lady in a Realtree bra and panties. The hoo hoo is also a wanton organ that causes women-folk to lust after movie stars like that Ryan Reynolds, Larry the Cable Guy (my wife's favorite) and Matthew Muckonahay. Since the pecker and the lady-place only serve evil outside the bounds of marriage, they should most certainly be kept under lock and key until such time a couple would be prepared for baby-making, and then put away promptly.

This Josh Abbott feller talks of undressing his female companion with his eyes. This is lust! Jesus said you should rip out your right eye if it causes you to sin. Or perhaps Mr. Abbott should take a buck knife to his privates. It is better to lose a member than your whole self get flambeed in the Devil's cookout.

The Lord says the sexually impure are as bad as murderers and sorcerers, and even Ben Rothlisburger. Thou shalt surely swim in the lake of fire and sulfur.

Abstain, country listener! Do not pay Josh Abbott and his band any mind when they sing so temptingly of filthiness. My wife heard this song last night and she suddenly slipped into her good muumuu. Needless to say, I threw up a little green bean casserole in my mouth. Don't let this happen to you. Swing wide of sin. Repent, repent I say!!

F

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews:

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews: Josh Abbott Band with Kacey Musgraves - Oh, Tonight

Trailer has assigned yet another Texas country artist for me to review. I think he's purposely antagonizing you Texas people. I personally don't have anything against Texans, other than what I may have said in the past - which may have been skewed by a bit too much caffeine from my wife's sweet tea. Jesus even loves Lone Star State residents. Most in the Austin metropolitan area are on his watch list, however.

The lead singer sounds like he's chewing on a piece of straw or something while he sings. The female has an angelic voice; she should go into gospel music. But she just asked him to "kiss me on the mouth." Hmm, I don't even do that to my wife, and we are actually bound by Holy matrimony. If this couple isn't married, well, I won't say mouth kissing is sin, but it's a golden gateway to temptation… and they are certainly courting that darkest of all sins - sexual impurity. I hope they wear their Purity Rings at all times.

There's really not a lot to this song… it sounds pretty good for secular music and the only other sin that's plainly mentioned is pride. I consider this a lesser sin… I have been guilty of it a few times. I sometimes take pride in the way I look in a finely pressed, creased and starched Walmart suit. Sometimes I notice some of the blue-haired old ladies staring at me in those sharp creases like I'm a Jello mold or something. It's creepy to be honest, yet I persevere in delivering the Good Word to those biddies.

Anyway, all-in-all, this tune is not nearly as devious as most of what Texas and Nashville usually pass off as entertainment. Be warned however, that some of the themes and concepts in this song can lead to unsavory thoughts in the eyes of the Lord. Care is advised.

C-

(and you thought they'd all be F's)

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