John Rich's Songwriting Tips #32

Love songs aren't really in fashion, but happily, ass tappin' songs are! Jake Owen, Josh Turner and Dierks Bentley have pooled up the legal tender by wetting the, um, check that, whetting the appetites of lovers all across the land. The good thing about this trend is that you don't really have to work that hard, errrr, don't have to put that much effort into these simple little ditties. Just take an old Conway song or your favorite 80's R&B ballad, change up the melody a little and describe your last nookie encounter in a rhyming fashion. Make sure to throw in a nifty hook like "I been waiting all day, so here I come" or "let me take the worry off your mind, and the silk off your behind." See how simple it is. You'll have the curvies eating out of your hand and a big ol' fat hit on your hands. Get some, baby.

*Not actually written by John Rich.

Honest Movie Posters #2

In the Year 2030

This is the debut of a brand new series in the spirit of Conan O'Brian's old "In the Year 2000" bits. FTM looks into the cracked crystal ball and tells you what's going on in the world of music (and other things) 20 years from now.

Without further adieu....

In the Year 2030:

•Governor Tim McGraw signs facial hair tax breaks into Louisiana state law

•Autotuner a mentor on latest season of American Idol

•Rising country singer Hank Williams IV (Real name Carlton Eubanks Williams, product of a Hank III one-night-stand in Tulsa) signs with Curb Records just to spite his estranged father; debut album scheduled for May 2036 release

•Huck Paisley, much to his father's dismay, records his first country album which is entirely devoid of novelty songs

•Ryan Adams and Mandy Moore put out a duets album in the style of George Jones and Tammy Wynette

•Parental Advisory label phased out; Pink "Sissy Songs" warning label phased in for niche market of profanity-free music

•Snoop/Dre record The Chronic: 2030, featuring songs "Nothin' But a AARP Thang," "Gin and Cialis"

•Cowboy Troy opens for Big & Rich for 27th consecutive summer despite not having a charting single since "I Play Chicken With the Train"

•Taylor Swift Behind the Music episode shows the extravagant lifestyle and the over-generosity to her extended family, large dance troupe and entourage that led to her current destitute state

•P Diddy changes his name to an unpronounceable symbol that looks a lot like The Notorious B.I.G.'s face with a dollar sign as the nose

•Justin Bieber still trending on Twitter

New in the FTM Store

The Taylor Face is always in style, especially when it's on your shirt. Here's a little something for the ladies from the non-existent Farce the Music Store. Not available in women's sizes S-2XL. Don't place your orders now!

Country Day: March '10

Thanks to nncountrykid at the Pulse Music Board for the idea for the last cover.