Showing posts with label Random. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Random. Show all posts

Nov 26, 2012

If Sex-Related Country Songs Had Honest Titles

She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy (Kenny Chesney)
would be
It Doesn't Take Much to Get in her Cut-off Jeans

She Cranks My Tractor (Dustin Lynch)
would be
She Gives This Redneck an Erection

Brown Chicken Brown Cow (Trace Adkins)
would be
Farm Animals Like to Watch Us Do the Nasty

Back That Thing Up (Justin Moore)
would be
Let's Go Doggy-Style...on a Hay Bale

She Thinks His Name Was John (Reba McEntire)
would be
She Used to Spread Like Parkay

Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy (Big and Rich)
would be
Heres a Bumper Sticker Slogan, Let's F**k

Big Green Tractor (Jason Aldean)
would be
My Wang is Not the Right Color

I've Already Loved You In My Mind (Conway Twitty)
would be
I Rubbed One Out in the Bathroom Before I Introduced Myself

Nothing On But the Radio (Gary Allan)
would be
These Weight Loss Commercials are Really Killing My Boner

Bob That Head (Rascal Flatts)
would be
Give Me Oral, This is How You Sonic

Something To Do With My Hands (Thomas Rhett)
would be
Oooooh, Boobies

Morning Desire (Kenny Rogers)
would be
Morning Wood

I Melt (Rascal Flatts)
would be
ugh, never mind….

Jan 27, 2011

Dec 21, 2010

If ____ wrote a Christmas song....

If Rodney Atkins wrote a Christmas song…

America at Christmas is a magical place
Christmas Happy Meal puts a smile on my son's face
He's been a good boy this year
I like beer
If you're going through Walmart, please say hey!

If Metallica wrote a Christmas song…

Snow white as corpses
Cold arctic forces
Impending voices and bells they will toll
Blood red ribbons
Pray you're forgiven
Or Santa will slip you some hell-blackened coal

If Taylor Swift wrote a Christmas song…

Our song is a ringing jingle bell
Crackling fire burning in the fireplace
That "misfits" song by the dentist elf
Your Mariah ringtone on my cell

If Soulja Boy wrote a Christmas song…

Pretty boy here need a winter time blow
Soulja Boy sleigh ride if you wanna go
Okaaaaayyyy, Imma wrap you up in a bow
Or we can snort a line of that falling snow
Pretty boy 'bout to Santaclause dat ho ho ho

If Ke$ha wrote a Christmas song…

I'm in my coupe with some eggnog and Goose
Turn up the Jay-Z real loud and go "whoo!"
Tik tok I'm so hot in my red "f-me" shoes
Santa comes at Christmas, I think I will too

If The Black Eyed Peas wrote a Christmas song…

Ooooh Ha! Ooooooh Ha!
Chrismaschristmaschristmaschristmas time!
Drop it till the dance floor shines
Yeeeeeaah pop! Ooooooooh Ha!
Hang up da stockins, let da ribbons unroll
Wise man got the myrrh but I want da gold
Oooooooh Ha!

If John Rich wrote a Christmas song…

Jesus was sent to save one and all
But everybody's having a holiday ball
Forgetting what it means, they're just worried about bling
The war on Christmas gets in my craw
Bartender I need another drink

If Eminem wrote a Christmas song…

Fat b*tch get out my chimney, what the f*ck you got on?
Look like Rick Ross in red, man don't say you're big boned
I got the millimeter pointed right at your dome
Drop the bag, f*g, or you're gonna taste the chrome

If Nirvana had written a Christmas song…

I'm so stupid, it's all gone
Reindeer have feelings
Diplomatic tones
Drown in a blender and dance on the stones
Mr. bell ringer
Just leave me alone

Oct 28, 2010

Random Doppelganger

This isn't particularly music related other than John Douche Rich being in this photo with Gary Busey and Lil Jon (photo from their Celebrity Apprentice appearance). But wow, isn't Gary looking like financial advisor/host/author Suze Orman these days?

May 24, 2010

Hurley & Cambria

Only that rare combination of Lost/Coheed & Cambria fan will get this... okay, maybe not even them.

Mar 24, 2010

New in the FTM Store

The Taylor Face is always in style, especially when it's on your shirt. Here's a little something for the ladies from the non-existent Farce the Music Store. Not available in women's sizes S-2XL. Don't place your orders now!

Mar 10, 2010

Exclusive shot of Brad Paisley's bruise

FTM just received this exclusive photo of the bruise Brad Paisley sustained from his recent fall...

Huh, that's weird.

Dec 30, 2009

Redneck Resolutions

Redneck Resolutions

Done made it through another twelve
Still sane and in one piece
Only spent a month in jail
Been good since I's released
But this year as the fireworks fly
i feel a little strange
And it ain't just this Miller Lite
Naw, it's time i made some change

Next year I won't drink Jim Beam ...on the way to church
And I guess I'll quit dippin' ...this tumor reallly hurts
Won't git rough with my woman ...unless she hits me first
Come on new year, big boy, do your worst

Almost got the trailer paid off
And the boy's bout done with school
Plan for his future like I ought
I'll buy him a set of tools
Gonna be nicer to my ex wife
I'll tone it down to "witch"
And if I go road hunting at night
I'll at least park in the ditch

And next year I won't drink Old Crow ...till i get off of work
I reckon I'll quit smokin' lungs feel like they'll burst
Won't cuss loud at the Walmart ...and I'll stop stealin' Certs
Come on new year, big boy, do your worst

Raise up your tall boys, here's to the future
These are my redneck resolutions

Next year I won't drink so much ...on the way to church
And I guess I'll quit dippin' ...this tumor reallly hurts
Won't git rough with my woman ...unless she hits me first
Come on new year, big boy, do your worst

Come on twenty-ten, do your worst

©2009 Corey Parkman


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