Jun 22, 2011
Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews: Alan Jackson - Long Way to Go
Jun 1, 2011
Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews:
May 10, 2011
Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews: Casey Donahew Band
Apr 8, 2011
Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist is now on Twitter
Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist is now on Twitter. Praise be!
http://twitter.com/#!/larryleeturnage
Apr 5, 2011
Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews: Justin Moore - If Heaven Wasn't So Far Away
Justin Moore - If Heaven Wasn't So Far Away
I was excited for a moment when I read the title of this new country music composition. It even started off nice enough too. But as you might expect, things went to the opposite of Heaven pretty quickly.
Mr. Moore ponders the things he might do if Heaven weren't beyond the reach of human hands. Well, Justin, if Heaven were as far as from here to Greenwood, MS, who would even care to go there once their earthly toil were finished? I don't even want to go to Greenwood, for that matter. It smells like rotten eggs and soybeans.
As spotless as my record has been (after that short stint with the pill-popping Gypsies in college), I might even turn to a life of worldliness if Heaven wasn't a perfect escape from this sinful plot of soil and strip malls.
In John, Jesus tells us that he has gone to prepare a place for us and will come and get us later on. He DOES NOT say to drop by when you're on furlough from the prison. Where's the specialness in that? If we could drop in and visit Aunt Martha any old time (not that I want to, I bet she still has that B.O. problem), there would be no sorrow in this world to teach us the benefit of withholding pleasure. People might be having unsanctioned intercourse in the streets with that little inherent limit on desire.
That's not even the worst thing about this song. Justin claims he'd visit his "ol' huntin' dog" if he could. Animals are not in Heaven. They do not have a soul, therefore, they just return to the rotting soil from hence they were produced. Sorry PETA.
He also says that Janis Joplin is in Heaven. Heaven forbid! If that skank has passed through the Pearly Gates with the Lord's permission… I'd rather stay down here with the dead puppies and kitties. That woman did more drugs every night than my son-in-law did at Ole Miss his entire 8 year college tenure.
In summary, this is a profane and irreligious song gussied up with spiritual subject matter to fool country radio listeners into reducing Heaven to a figurative and demeaned idyll. I wish no part of the knee-high to a stink bug Mr. Moore's debauched entertainment.
F!
Mar 17, 2011
Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist: Honky Tonk Badonkadonk
Feb 24, 2011
Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews: Jason Aldean & Kelly Clarkson
Jason Aldean w/Kelly Clarkson - Don't You Wanna Stay
"If we can make forever feel this way/Don't you wanna stay?" Basically what they're saying here is "Let's do the nasty one more time and see if that's enough to make our elicit relationship continue." Naw, naw, Larry can't get with that. It's never said in this song if the couple reconsidering their love/lust is married or not. I suspect not, given the decay of these formerly great United States of America. I tremble in fear of where we're headed, children. This song sounds to me like the background music in one of them soap opry's when two unmarried people are spending a few PG-13 moments in each other's steamy, hot, naked… uh, excuse me… when they are commencing sex outside the bounds of a Holy union before the sight of the Almighty. They wanna "hold each other tight" and "fall asleep with me tonight"… don't be fooled; they will most certainly not be sleeping until the man has uh, consummated the fleshly interchange and rolled over to go to sleep. The way these two's vocals play off one another is also entirely humanistic and sexual in nature. If I am, as I so rarely am, wrong… and the couple is married, this invitation to trade bodily fluids is in error as well. God intended intercourse only for procreation. It should never be used for Satanic pleasures… and most assuredly not be used as a tool to help a man and wife resolve their differences. This is sin, my friends. Seed spilled not in continuation of the human race for the parental passage of the Lord's message is no better than masturbation. One might as well listen to secular music… this song, for instance. Holy Jesus, I pray for the sanctity of marriage in this country and the souls of both Jason Aldean and Kelly Clarkson. I also pray that Ms. Clarkson learns that the body is a temple and should be treated as such; not as a storage facility for Hostess cakes and Steakhouse burgers.
F
Feb 13, 2011
Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews - Three Pack
Eric Church - Smoke a Little Smoke
It's probably beginning to look like Trailer only sends me the most sin-ridden of songs to review, all for the sake of controversy, but I don't believe that to be so. A quick look at the Bob Kingsley Countdown reveals trash such as this to be the rule and not the exception. A listener has about as much chance at hearing an uplifting song on country radio these days as a Methodist has at getting through the Pearly Gates. This particular song is only emblematic of the decay of society and our loosening mores. Mr. Church is at odds with his own last name singing this garbage pile of a song. My son-in-law Jerry, a Southern Baptist, tells me that this song is even more devious than it appears on the surface. He says it talks of smoking the Mary Wanna. How he recognizes this is a discussion for another day. Eric Church apparently does not believe in God or believes God to be a liar. God says we are to treat the body as a temple. If we are to trust the lyrical content of this song, Mr. Church treats his like an Ole Miss frat house. I am organizing the ladies' Bunco group and the men's softball team of our church to boycott any radio station that plays this horrendous tune. Any of our teens who have been exposed to it will undergo counseling and laying on of hands. As always, we will add the offender to our prayer list.
F
Miranda Lambert - Only Prettier
First of all, it may be a sin for a woman to play guitar. I'll be researching this in my Old Testament studies and will report back to you later on that. As country songs go these days, this one is a great deal less morally corrupt than most. However, that's like saying masturbation is a lesser sin than riverboat gambling. In this song's first line, Ms. Lambert claims salvation at the hands of Southern charm. Charm never saved a man or woman from the searing fires of hell. Beyond this, Miranda preaches a message of solidarity with people who want to fight her. Jesus would approve of this tenet, however, she ends this statement with "We're just like you, only prettier." Pride comes before a fall, Ms. Lambert. Basically this song is an insult disguised as a compliment. This reminds me of a phrase the ladies of my church are known to say in weaker moments: "Bless her heart." Trust me, if a woman is commenting on your attire or actions with "bless your heart," she does not wish the Lord's blessing upon you. She is pitying you and deciding which of her gossip friends she'll text first. These biddies have been forgiven, but I fear Miranda doesn't even realize her own inequity. This as she prepares to wed that most sinful of cads, Blake Shelton. As a preacher, I could not join these two in matrimony for fear of the Antichrist himself springing from their loins.
F
Craig Morgan - Still a Little Chicken Left on that Bone
This despicable song actually has the gall to hold up sinners as role models. A divorced woman! A pervert football player! All the while comparing them to fried chicken and Coca-Cola. I don't even fully understand that metaphor and I know it's wrong in the sight of the Lord. Also there's some devilish rock and roll guitars playing loudly throughout this ode to finding the tiniest bit of good left in a hellbound miscreant. While these evildoers may in fact be retrievable from those unpearly gates, one should not look to them as paragons of virtue. Write me a song after this harlot redeems her lifestyle - surely she ate of Satan's fruit, and after this ball player puts his pecker back in his Wrangler blue jeans and repents of his misdeeds. 1 John 5: 17 says "All unrighteousness is sin: and there is a sin not unto death. Verily, we shall only look upon righteousness as a virtue worth following. In summation: divorce and tallywhacker texts = damnation.
F
Jan 27, 2011
Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist on Kenny Chesney's "Somewhere with You"
Kenny Chesney - Somewhere With You
Mr. Chesney's newest smash hit country song sounds suspiciously like what we used to call "pop music" back when my pals and I used to cruise the Sonic after Bible drills, bobbing our heads. It seems at the very least insincere, and more to the point, dishonest to release this song to the country music radio stations. As if the sin of false presentation were not enough, Kenneth's song is a veritable snake nest of immoral behaviors. The first two lines reveal the main character's jealousy and envy over his ex-girlfriend (we assume it's a girl, but one cannot be too certain in this morally loose era) courting a new love interest. These two sins of course lead to yet another, consumption of old Scratch's mind altering beverages. Next, he goes on to look back on his time with this ex and he has the gall to reveal to us, fair reader, that he went on a date to the amusement park without an adult present to make sure this couple didn't cavort around in the haunted house or touch uncovered skin together at any point of their ride on the Tilt-a-whirl. Next line, next sin - he let a (presumable) female drive him around. The man is to be at the helm in any facet of any relationship, thus saith my Lord. And now saith my Lord, this couple committed sexual sin, because Kenneth Chesney got them a hotel room and you just know what happened on those bodily fluid encrusted sheets. My chest is tightening up, I don't mind telling you …and so is my bbb… never mind.
I'll just summarize the rest of this vile song: Mr. Chesney is sleeping around with all manner of whores in an attempt to fill up an empty space in his soul. Does he not know that this longing is for the King of Kings… not the queen of his four poster? My angina is really acting up right now… but please, unless the real damnation of your eternal soul is something you desire, don't give this song a second listen.
F-