Relative Size Chart: 4th of July Edition

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Fun With Charts & Graphs: Lonestar

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.99 Review - Whitney Duncan

Whitney Duncan - Skinny Dippin'

The People's Take

perfect summer song! (5 stars) – i heard this song awhile back, and fell in love with it. whitney duncan uses her soulful rasp to really turn on the heat in this sexy summer tune! all i can say is great job girl!
by smileykk

Ouch! (1 star) – This is a really bad song! No thanks.
by My $0.02

My Take
Another timely summer release, former Nashville Star contestant Whitney Duncan's new single is a breezy anthem for your ...um Whitney skinny dippin' :)... oh, sorry, got off track a minute. Anyway, this song is an ode to ...you guessed it. Although many a country song has ended with or included folks dropping trou' and hopping into the creek, I don't recall a single that was completely dedicated to ... hmm, Whitney skinny dippin'. Apologies, back to the review. I'm not sure I see this being a big hit for a couple of reasons. #1 enunciation... while, her voice is soulful and fairly pleasing to the ear, Ms. Duncan sounds like she's got a mouthful of marbles... no, something softer... cotton balls maybe. It was difficult to make out all of the lyrics ...Whitney Duncan naked in the water...ahem. So, #2... the lyrics (the ones I could discern anyway). Did she say they were swimming in the Mississippi??? Do people swim in the Mississippi? Have you seen it lately? Have you seen the size of the fish they pull out of that thing? I was born beside it and I won't swim in it. Sure, I'm overanalyzing, but that's what I do here. Also, did I hear the word "tush"? Who, besides ZZ Top uses that word and gets away wwwwwWhitney Duncan with her clothes off in a swimming hole. Where was I? Okay, so this is an alright song. I'm probably just past the ceiling age for skinny dipping and it not being really weird, so the subject matter doesn't appeal to me a great deal, but this is mostly aimed at the high school/college age set... and I'm sure it works for that demographinakedwhitneyduncaninacreek whoa. Anyway, I'm done. Let me know when the video comes out.

Total value: .42/.99

The Checklist

Church/God
Mama
Boots
Name Dropping
Dying Person
County FairLost Love
Love
Hometown Pride
Kindly Advice
Truck
Whiskey

Beer
Life Affirmation
USA
Soldiers
Pop Sheen
Star Power

Kenny Chesney Parody Take Two

By the popular demand of many, many very specific web searches that led people to the previous version, I have written a second parody for a popular hit song (based on the title that was being searching for). Obviously I can't say what will and won't offend you, but I hope that you will take this for the parody of the song, the satire of gay stereotypes and the spoof on Kenny's supposed hidden sexual preference that I mean it to be. I considered this title the first go-round, but figured it was too obvious. On second thought....

(I Came) Out Last Night

(Parody of Kenny Chesney's "Out Last Night")

I came out last night

Perez he says that it's true

Sipped martinis last night

Discussed a few musicals too

There were boys from West Memphis and Caroline,

Maine, Miami, and the lower east side

All fixed up, having a fabulous time

Yeah, I came out last night

One dare started leading to another

Out last night, hitting on everybody and his brother

There were two karaoke girls, and most guys stared

Their skirts were really short but I didn't care

Cuz Ty's chest was buff and bare

I came out last night

Well you know I'm a country boy

Closeted in East Tennessee

Last night I became overjoyed

With a few tasty fruit drinks in me

I was a jockey, fireman, a dude into rap, Brad Pitt's lover, and a man wearing chaps

Anything I thought would get me some staff

Yeah, I came out last night

One fling started leading to another

Out last night, hitting on everybody and his brother

There I was talking fashion and not watching sports

Except for skiing and boating of course

Cut off my blue jeans into shorty shorts

When I came out last night

Well, my career is sure over when the video hits YouTube

Of me singing "Never Wanted Nothin' More" to some dude

Oh I came out last night

One dance started leading to another

Out last night

Like it's really a great shock to discover

I was dancing with no ladies

Feelin' light in my shoes

Pairing off with Virgil and getting loose

Should have seen that camera's light

When I came out last night

YouTube Classic: Weird Al parodies Michael Jackson

Best of 2009 So Far: June

I just started listening to the new Buddy and Julie Miller and it's great so far... but it didn't make the cutoff for this chart. Take a good look and see what you think might interest you that you haven't heard or purchased yet... this chart will come into play over the next couple of weeks.

1. Son Volt - American Central Dust*

2. Ben Nichols - The Last Pale Light in the West

3. Charlie Robison - Beautiful Day

4. Justin Townes Earle - Midnight at the Movies

5. Slaid Cleaves - Everything You Love Will Be Taken Away

6. The Devil Makes Three - Do Wrong Right

7. Black Joe Lewis & The Honeybears - Tell 'em What Your Name Is

8. Deer Tick - Born on Flag Day

9. Steve Earle - Townes

10. Wilco - Wilco (The Album)*

11. Phosphorescent - To Willie

12. Great Lake Swimmers - Lost Channels

13. Roman Candle - Oh Tall Tree in the Ear

14. John Moreland & The Black Gold Band - Endless Oklahoma Sky

15. Ryan Bingham - Roadhouse Sun

16. The Deep Dark Woods - Winter Hours

17. Todd Snider - The Excitement Plan

18. Holly Williams - Here With Me

19. The Gourds - Haymaker!

20. Mastodon - Crack the Skye

21. Wayne Hancock - Viper of Melody

22. Eric Church - Carolina

23. The Fox Hunt - America's Working So We Don't Have To

24. Strand of Oaks - Leave Ruin

25. Doug Paisley - s/t

26. The Extraordinaires - Electric and Benevolent

27. Scott Miller - For Crying Out Loud

28. Dale Watson - The Truckin' Sessions (v.2)

29. Jason Isbell and The 400 Unit - s/t

30. Terry Anderson & The Olympic Ass Kickin' Team - National Champions

*Due for release Tuesday

Darius Rucker Parody

All White

(parody of Darius Rucker's "Alright")

All white, all white,

Yeah, it's all white, all white

Don't take a Sherlock observation

To see the difference that's so well defined

My workplace lacks diversity

Been like that, don't ya know, since the days of Patsy Cline

You can throw a dart and hit the same skin tone

Sometimes it makes a brother feel mighty alone

Cause I've got some shade here in my skin,

But the industry that I'm workin' in

Oh, it's all white, all white

Now I've got boots under my feet

And the whole music chart except for me

It's all white, all white

Just check out CMT

Yeah, it's all white but me

It's no big deal, no, to me it ain't no drama

That I'm an anomaly yes it's true

If not for Charley, I'd be Obama

But the bigs have pride in me as long as I pay dues

Now that I'm well on my way to being a star

I wish Coe'd stop telling me to park his car

Oh, I've got some shade here in my skin,

But the industry that I'm workin' in

Oh, it's all white, all white

Well I've got boots under my feet

And the whole music chart except for me

It's all white, all white

Just check out GAC

Yeah, it's all white but me

It's all white but me, yeah yeah

When I look out at crowds there's just one thing missin'

Nobody in the audience can dance in rhythm

Oh, I've got a whole bunch of melanin,

But the industry that I'm workin' in

Oh, it's all white, all white

Well I've got boots under my feet

And the whole CMA show but me

It's all white, all white

Check out Walmart CDs

Yeah, they're all white but me

R.I.P. MJ

Michael Jackson's "Thriller" was the first album I ever owned. Loved it. Still do. I'm gonna do my best to remember him for stuff like that. Farewell to a genius performer and creator of great pop music, regardless of the negatives that went along with him.

Fun With Charts & Graphs: Relative Size Chart #5

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____Deserves a Sackpunch #3

Anyone Who Doesn't Like Music

In college, during my junior and senior summers, I worked at a state park on the landscaping crew. My supervisor was a hilariously cranky old guy named Buddy who shared my tastes in jokes, professional wrestling... and not much else. We got along fine, but the first day I hopped in his truck in my gray state issue t-shirt and torn up jeans, headed to a campsite to weed-eat, I found out our biggest difference. I reached over to flip on the radio to listen to the latest 90's hat act on the local country station and he said "Eh Ehhhh... I don't like music." "Come again?" asked me, confused by his foreign words. "I don't listen to music" he repeated. "Umm, okay Buddy..." I trailed off, rolling down the window to listen to the slap of road seams against the balding tires. I dealt with the situation respectfully, because I needed that 5.75 an hour to take my woman out to Jake and Rips and The Sportscenter and keep gas in my Corsica. In my mind though, I was delivering Buddy a tightly clenched fist into his groin area with all my might. I mean, he was cool and all, but who doesn't like music??

I still run into people now and then who claim to not care for music. What? Why? Do you not have a soul? What say you?

"I don't have time" you say. Don't have time to breathe? That's what it would be like for me to go without music. I'm addicted, admittedly, but I listen to music probably at least 50% of my waking hours so I can't fathom its absence. Sure, silence is cool.. and rare, but since it's darn near impossible to find silence, I'd rather have a tune going than listen to machines running, cars driving, people complaining and all the other parts of the din of everyday life. There are 24 hours in a day, there's plenty of time.

"Music sucks now" you say. Wrong answer. Most of radio music sucks now, but music doesn't. Do you have internet access? If not, your local library will happily hook you up with some online time as long as you haven't been abusing your privileges. With that tool, tool, you can find any kind and quality of music you desire. There's still tons of good new albums being released - in every genre. In fact, I'd say the last 5 years of non-mainstream music has been flat out excellent. Heck, listen to the old stuff again... it's still great. It doesn't spoil. There are at least 4 oldies stations on my dial and I live in a fairly small metropolitan area. Or maybe, get your ears checked. That could be the problem. Or ask the devil for your soul back. If not, keep quiet around me, or risk an eyewateringly painful sackpunch!

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #10

Leave your politics at the door of the writing room. Famous people always think they should use their stage for a soapbox. Nobody wants to hear what incorrect liberal thoughts Bruce Springstink has about the fine previous administration or hear what vile venom Fatalie Maines is spouting this week. Just because Obama is doing a terrible job with the economy and basically everything else, you'll never hear it from me in a song I write or sing.. or anytime else. Shut the blue-green hell up and act, or sing, or whatever the crap you do.


Not actually written by John Rich.

Fun With Charts & Graphs

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YouTube Gems: Charlie Robison

The new Charlie Robison album Beautiful Day is fantastic. I would already count it among my favorite releases of the year. It comes out this Tuesday, June 23 and if you don't buy it, you're stupid. Okay, that's not nice, but you'd do well to purchase it. It's his best album since Bandera, in my humble opinion. You can attempt to win an autographed copy at Country California and The 9513! I couldn't find any live recordings of any of his new songs, so instead here's the very fine video for "El Cerrito Place" from his last album, Good Times. Have a nice weekend and Happy Fathers Day to all you dads!

The Perfect Gift for Dad!

Country Day June: Honest Album Covers

Thanks to CM Wilcox of Country California for the idea for the Chesney cover!

Friday is...

Country Day June!

14+ new honest album covers

......and next month's edition will be a supersized collection (25+) to celebrate... FTM's 1 year AnniFarcery!

Relative Size Chart: CMT Awards Edition

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Taylor Swift & T-Pain to Release Album

News of their duet, trainwreck or whatever you wanna call it on the CMT Awards was met with little surprise, since awards shows frequently use odd pairings to grab ratings. What is a surprise is that the duo of Taylor Swift and T-Pain plans to release a collaborative album in coming months. Whether it will be pop-country, hip-hop-country or crunktry, who knows(?) but FTM has gotten its grubby hands on an early rough draft of the cover. (verrry rough)

A Welcome and a Rascal Flatts Parody

I'd like to welcome FTM's new outside contributor, Bobby Joe Beckley. A talented songwriter I've come to know over the past few years at songwriting sites like Tunesmith and Just Plain Folks, Bob will be providing FTM with parodies, ridiculously funny original lyrics and maybe a few songs if I ever figure out how to stream tunes. Beckley's gotten quite a bit of buzz from his silliness, his parody "Whoops I Farted Loving You" reaching the inbox of an amused Jim Femino (cowriter of "Just Got Started Loving You") and James Otto, and his "Ballad of Palin," a political take on "Ballad of Paladin," published in an Alaskan newspaper during last year's campaign. His first contribution to Farce the Music is this parody of Rascal Flatts' current smash "Summer Nights." Enjoy, and check out some of BJ's songs on the links after the lyric!

Summer Bites
(©2009 BobbyJoe parody lyric)

Come on, ladies
It's time to barbecue
And fellas, I know you're ready for food
We went smokeless, cookin' all winter long
And summer's here, so let's get ribs on
Bratwurst, beer and some pig ears
Will make you belch and toot

Well, the bug spray better work soon
So we can get to the food
We start getting all bitten up
And man that just ain't cool, yeah

(Chorus):
Summer bites
Dang mosquitos, ticks and chiggers
They all make you scratch and bleed and keep you up at night
Summer bites
They start little and get bigger
Holler if you've ever had a summer bite
Come on

Now fellas, you better watch your slaps
Don't hit them skeeters on her tweeters
Or you'll get some crap
Back to the ladies
Ya'll keep sprayin' that OFF
'Cause one flew deep inside my mouth and made me cough

The OFF is getting low
There it goes, here we go
Here comes our doom, yeah
We start getting all bitten up
And man that just ain't cool, yeah

(Chorus):
Summer bites
Dang mosquitos, ticks and chiggers
They all make you scratch and bleed and keep you up at night
Summer bites
They start little and get bigger
Holler if you've ever had a summer bite

(Bridge):
It's a banquet on us humans
Suckin' blood and even worse
It's West Nile in your file, ya'll
Well, it's dangerous and hurts

(Chorus):
Summer bites
Dang mosquitos, ticks and chiggers
They all make you scratch and bleed and keep you up at night
Summer bites
They start little and get bigger
Holler if you've ever had a summer bite
Come on

(Chorus):
Summer bites
Dang mosquitos, ticks and chiggers
They all make you scratch and bleed and keep you up at night
Summer bites
They start little and get bigger
Holler if you've ever had a summer bite

Yeah, oh are you ready?
Are you ready?
Are you ready?
For some summer bites

Yeah, baby
Summer bites
It's summer bites
Come on

http://www.myspace.com/beckleybob

http://tunesmithpro.ning.com/profile/BobbyJoe

Fun With Charts & Graphs: Relative Size Chart #4

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