Songs Illustrated #21

Country Day June '10

Top 10 Worst Voices in Contemporary Music

Click links for samples.

10. Ke$ha

Honestly, her voice doesn't bother me that much, but I see where the hate comes from. Ke$ha (if that really is her name) sounds like a combination of drunken valley girl, fake b-girl and Paris Hilton. Not exactly a combo that many people are clamoring for. Don't worry haters, she won't be around long. 11:02, 11:03... tick tock tik tok

9. Uncle Kracker

UK has a tolerable enough everyman voice that really doesn't offend (he's even passable live), but uh, so do a lot of other people who don't actually put their voices onto albums to sell to music fans. He started out as Kid Rock's DJ. Does that last sentence even need a snarky comment?

8. Rihanna

I actually enjoy a lot of Rihanna's songs, but I've got to admit she has a pretty un-dynamic voice. If country music is three chords and the truth, Rihanna's sound is one note and the truth. I'd rather run out into the rain than hear "Umbrella" again. Eay! Eay!

7. Shooter Jennings

Shooter is a genetic marvel, in my opinion. His dad was handsome and had the booming voice of a honky-tonk god. His mom was beautiful and had/has a lovely voice. Shooter is as ugly as a wet rat chewing on a hornet and only twice as talented vocally.

6. Taylor Swift

What more can I say? And why would I have to? She's not that bad, but when you're at the head of the class commercially, is it too much to expect for you to sing above a loud whisper and carry a tune? I will say that I'm almost annoyed enough by the awards shows' recent self-correction in regards to lauding of her work (hey, you guys hitched your wagon to her; you look like hypocrites for shunning her now!) to leave her off this list, but nah. Facts are facts.

5. Gary Levox (of Rascal Flatts)

Gary "The Voice" (to new readers, that really is what his stage name means) might sound "okay" on wax, but his nasal shriek is pretty grating on the ears live. His high notes sometimes call to mind times I accidentally stepped on my cat's foot. That debacle with Jamie Foxx was unforgivable for someone who didn't have much goodwill built up in the first place.

4. Ashlee Simpson

One only need reference the Orange Bowl catastrophe or her disastrous SNL appearance for proof that Ash is the less talented Simpson (and that's saying something). What's even more difficult to believe is that she may have married down artistically.

3. Lil Wayne

This one's kinda a cop-out because, granted, he doesn't make his Benjamins as a singer, but when you put yourself out there as a singer, as Wayne frequently does live and did on his recent utter flop, Rebirth, you gotta expect to get shredded. His rapping voice isn't exactly a thing of beauty so what convinced him to warble is beyond me... oh wait, I know.

2. Bright Eyes/Conor Oberst

Conor Oberst is adored by tens and tens of fans, a veritable cult of douchenality, but I don't get the appeal. He sounds like a goat stuck in a box fan. His tunes are yawn inducing, so he doesn't even get the Bob Dylan pass. He just sucks.

1. "Dixie" Dave Collins (of Weedeater)

You've never heard him before unless you're a stoner (I've only heard him because, like, I've been exploring stoner metal lately ...uh, seriously dude) but Dave's voice is more shredded than anyone else's who's ever vocalized into a studio microphone. He sounds as though he's ingested copious amounts of weed (obviously), whiskey, meth, hot gravel, sand, glass shards, burning cigarettes, metal filings and sawdust. To say he sounds as pleasant as the band's namesake would be an overstatement. Besides, a weedeater can hold a note. Luckily, his fans don't care.

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #38

Here's a new question from the email sack. Heh heh, I said sack.

Skip in North Carolina wants to know: "Should I put some research time in before and during writing songs involving politics or history?"

JR: Hell no, Skippy. What you learned in vocational school ought to be plenty 'nough knowledge for you to drop on the country listener. If I wanna write something about Rick Nixon, I don't bother studying up on Watercase... who gives a shit? Jane Countryfan just wants to nod her head to a mid to up-tempo catchy tune and have her preferably conservative beliefs supported bro, not think. You want to do a song about the current economic crisis or the BP leak? Just write it, throw in something about a bastard stocktraderman...or a dirty stinkin' petroleum-man; don't waste valuable drinking time with fact finding and that sort of stuff. Just Wiki it if you must. Write on homie.

*Not actually written by John Rich.

Fun With Charts & Graphs: Kenny & Dolly