Carl Outlaw, Real Country Fan, Reviews Luke Bryan "Kick the Dust Up"

You know I ain't going to listen to this shit. I could review it with my eyes closed - it's the same old hair metal EDM country rap nonsense as everything he puts out. Some people say Luke Bryan used to be good, but I know that's not true because he's always been played on country radio. Therefore, he sucks. If you don't write you're own music, record it in your garage, and play it for 7 people at some crappy bar on Thursday nights, your not really country. Sorry, somebody had to say it. Top 40 country is nothing what it used to be.

I'll read the lyrics and review those, but even that might make me puke everywhere, lol. At first he's singing (or rapping, probably!) about farmers. If I was a farmer, I would put my boot so far up Luke's pansy ass, he'd be tasting steel toe when he eats his Greek yogurt every day. Later on he says he's "burning up a back roads song"… yeah, probably listening to Rupaul or Iggy Ass-ail-ya, or himself. He probably never even heard of Jerry Reed! Each to thier own I guess!

Oh dear God, what is this rhyming 'up' with 'up' shit? I bet it took 15 dudes with goatees and backwards flat-brim hats jerking off in an office to come up with this crap. If Hank Sr. could hear this mess these pretty boys have made out of his beloved country music, he would mix pills and liquor again!

Later on, Puke Bryant sings about drinking a jar of "clear." Yeah right! If he even took a whiff of some real moonshine, he'd pass out like a little girl. Anyone every plays Luke what ever her name is in my truck, I'll set it on fire with them in it and roll it into a culvert. I would literally comment murder, it's that damn bad!

So, in summery, you would be better off neutering yourself then listening to "Kick the Dust Up."

Carl Outlaw, Real Country Fan, Reviews ZBB "Loving You Easy"

Zac Brown sucks. If he was playing in my neighbor's yard, I'd call the cops and say they're was some sort of unauthorized "men who love farm animals" protest rally going on and that they were disturbing the peace with there bullshit and to especially taser the fat, bald guy wearing a ski hat in May. WTF. You know when theirs 14 guys in a band, theyre over-compensating for something. I've never even listened too one single note this "band" played. There not even talented enough to shine Hank 3's balls.

This song is probably terrible. I'm not going to soil my ears by wasting one second on this 'pop cuntry' garbage. If theyre's more than 4 people in a band and 2 of those aren't steel guitarists, I don't want to here that crap. This nugget is called "Loving You Easy," and that's enough for you to know that Johnny Paycheck wouldn't have warbled a note of it. He didn't love dem hoes, lol. If you're out their making songs for teenage girls, than you should at least be man enough to admit your just in it for the money. I heard Zac is making dance music now too. Next he'll be shaking his booty like Fluke Bryan.

Don't insult are good taste with this crap, Trailer. Don't make me review stuff like this when thare's so many good real-ass country bands out there that need a little help getting noticed. Take this new band from North Carolina, Buck Snort and the Stump-jumpers, for instance. They have a fiddle player, 3 steel guitarists, a jug blower, a washboard strummer, and a singer who makes Sturgill Simpson sound like a Nashvile sparkly-pants wearing pretty boy. Let Zac Brown's fat ass feed his own self. Don't buy this song, anybody. Keep it country!

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Zac Brown Band - Loving You Easy
(listen to song here)

Carl Outlaw, Real Country Fan, Reviews New Tim McGraw

Welcome Carl Outlaw, real country fan, to FTM as a new reviewer to replace the soon-to-be grad Brittany Fant. Carl fancies himself a country purist and I fancy him, uh, pretty much a jackass. NSFW.


Tim McGraw - Diamond Rings and Old Barstools

 Really? Really? Tim McGraw is my first review for Farce the Music? Haha. This dude is so fake, he makes the Kardashians look like the Hatfields. How'd he get Faith Hill? I mean, she sucks at singing country, but I'd like to feel her "breathe" if you know what I mean.

This yuppie wouldn't know country music if it bit him in his anorexic ass. This is the same guy who sang "Truck Yeah" in case you forgot. He got down on his bony knees and said "whatever you want Mr. Borshitta!" Waylon never sang about trucks and that's all I need to know. Hank Sr. is rolling in his grave like a rotisserie chicken every time Tampon McGraw opens his stupid mouth.

Tim uses autotune all the time and he hasn't written any of his songs so you know he's a punk ass. Anybody who doesn't write they're own songs by themselves in a dark room while drinking bourbon and crying isn't really country. Pop country is neither pop nor country, it's just bullshit.

 I actually didn't even listen to this song because Tim McGraw is a douchebag and I know anything that comes out of his mouth is crap. Actually, I don't even know who he is and I've never heard any of his "songs" if that's what you could call them. I would pay like $500 to punch him in his Hollywood plastic surgery, plastic hat wearing face.

Go lick some balls, Timmy.



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Disclaimer: This is a satirical piece by a fictional lout who thinks he is the arbiter of which music is actually country. Much like myself, minus the lout part.