Showing posts with label Carl Outlaw. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Carl Outlaw. Show all posts

Dec 6, 2019

No Good Country Music Released Since ’79, Says Moron


Curmudgeonly country fan Carl Outlaw says that not a single good country song or album has been released since 1979. Despite the fact that Outlaw was born in the early 90s, he feels confident in his oblivious statement. 

“There ain’t been no good country since the heyday of Merle and Willie and Coe, and you can put that in your pipe and smoke it.” said the idiot, shuffling through his playlist that managed to exclude the likes of Johnny Cash, Dwight Yoakam, and The Judds. 

According to Carl, though not specifically mentioned, Patty Loveless sucks. He also believes, based on his time limits, that Jamey Johnson, Tyler Childers, Kelsey Waldon, and Turnpike Troubadours have all released subpar music unworthy of his attention. 

When asked about Johnny Cash’s renewed output from the nineties, he says “hipster bullshit…anything that snooty college kids like, I don’t like.” “If it doesn’t have a steel guitar, fiddle, acoustic guitars, and sad lyrics about dying of cirrhosis in a flophouse, it’s not good country,” continued Outlaw. “There have been no songs that fit that description in my entire lifetime and it makes me sad for the future of America.” 

The fool thinks Chris Stapleton and Sunny Sweeney are just awful, if we go by his own misguided cutoff date. Jason Boland and the Stragglers, Jamie Lin Wilson, Dale Watson, Cody Jinks, and Miranda Lambert are terrible as well.

When asked what he thought of Luke Bell’s self-titled traditional country gem from just a couple years ago, Outlaw replied “Luke Bryan, who’s she?”


Aug 9, 2019

Carl Outlaw, Real Country Fan, Reviews The Highwomen's "Redesigning Women"


Carl Outlaw, Real Country Fan, Reviews The Highwomen's "Redesigning Women"

When trailer told me I'd be working with four women today, I had something else in mind entirely lol. 

Anyway, these gals are called the Highwomen and supposed to be like the Highwaymen, four of the greatest TRUE country artists ever (ok, so I had to forgive Willie for that Stardust crap). I actually almost listened to this song, but then I saw whose in this group. I never heard of Nataly Heemby, so that's probably a good thing. But Amanda shyres is married to that liberal trash Jason Is-dean who ain't even country anyway, Brandi carlile blocked me on twiter for that private photograph I sent her - I don’t get it, I’m pretty hot - and maren morris is pop country trash. Or so I've heard at least. I wouldn't listen to pop country radio because it has Florida Georgia Line on it, and I took a Jason piss-bell there once. And who the shit does a playboy shoot and keeps there close on??



Again, I aint listening to this, but I see they got a line about cleaning up the kitchen, so at least they know there place I guess. Plus I wouldn't mind them polishing my table if you know what I mean. Even still, feminazi Morris probably has a rap breakdown somewhere in their to make it work for trashville radio. 



Overall, this song proves the only good woman country singer was Loretta, and that's only until she started working with Jackoff White. Women don't need redesined as long as they stay in line, but country music sure as shit needs redesigin. But not by these gals. The last time we got a girl group we got the America hating Dixy Chicks, and that group had a Natalie in it to, so this ain't good.



-Written by the “real” Carl Outlaw

*this is satire!*

Jul 29, 2019

Carl Outlaw, Real Country Fan, Reviews Hardy’s “Rednecker”



First of all, I'm pretty pissed at Trailer for this one. He told me this song was by some new underground country singer, so when I herd it i actually conected to a lot of it. I mean, I really do piss where I want too! [editor’s note: I did not say that]

And then I saw the dudes face and saw he was like Bobby Bonehead's cousin or something. Probably siamese qu... never mind, Trailer told me to take that part out. Anyway, I questioned Trailer about it and he told me this Hardy dude was actually on a major label! Screw you Trailer for making me listen to Mr. Hard On. 



But now that I know this is a hit on pop country radio I dont like it no more, even if it does speak to a lot of american values. If youre on the same station as Puke Bryan, you're not country. Hell, Luke bryan? Never heard of her! That gets me everytime. 



It makes me maddern a ole wet whore to, because this dudes got a good mullet that goes to waist on this trying to be popular and success full. Why would you be a good artist and want more then 4 or 5 people who know bout you?

Listen to reel country like Joe Gussie and the Dirt Pickers and stay away from this crap. Actually, stay away from Joe, otherwise he might sell out if too many people know about him. I'm rednecker than this Handy guy, and that's because i only like real country and don't have a personal stylist.



-Written by the “real” Carl Outlaw

May 17, 2019

Carl Outlaw, Real Country Fan, Reviews Tyler Childers’ “House Fire”

Unlike most songs Trailer sends me to review, I actually listened to this one, called "House Fire." I thought it was pretty good. Then I read that Tyler Childs has signed a deal with a major record label. So I listened too the song again and realized it wasn’t very good at all! Its weird how your taste can change from one minute to the next.

This song says something about “honey jump on my train.” I seem to remember some bro-country bro singing about a chick sliding her fine ass into his truck a few years ago. Or one dude singing about sticking his umbrella in a woman’s sink?!? Sounds like Tyler Childers has gone the same damn way! That’s to perverted for me! 


And don’t get me started about the production of this song! It’s all sparkles and shine and listen! You can actually hear every word and it sounds like they want everybody too like the song! What the hell?? Tyler is supposed to sing to 14 people and a chicken in a water district office parking lot for the rest of his days, not get popular! 


Why make it sound so pretty? I want it too sound like he’s singing through a shoe. I want the guitars to sound like all the strings are about to break and the guitarist doesn’t really know what he’s doing. I want there to be a cloud of dust come out of my speakers when I listen too the song. Their shouldn’t even be a drummer. And Tyler should forget some of the words and have to restart a verse, and they should leave that in the damn mix!! That’s country! Not this overproduced bullshit that Sturgill Simpson (that sellout) screwed up! 



Luke Bryan? Never heard of her! But from what I’ve heard about her, I imagine Tyler Childress will soon be on that same path. He’ll be shaking his butt in tight blue jeans and making preteen girls squeal and singing about how country his truck is or some shit. Its sad when you’re favorite artists get popular and change from what you liked about them. I hope he enjoys the money, but he won’t get another .00005 cents from me on Spotify!! I’m done.

Apr 23, 2019

Carl Outlaw, Real Country Fan, Reviews George Strait’s New Single




Ayyyyeee, it’s been a while but I’m back! Been going through some stuff but I think their going to let me off with probation.

Anyway, Trailer got me reviewing this new George Straight song like he’s doing me a favor. I know he’s supposed to be the king or whatever, but he’s just a pretty boy too me. Women talk about how good he looks in his jeans… you know who else they say that about? Luke Bryant! Same thing to me. Ain’t neither one of ‘em gonna sing you a song about roping steers on the western ridge while hoping nobody finds you’re wife’s body in that ravine you left her in. That’s real country!!! Not some shaking it or getting carried away bullshit!



George Straight can’t even write a song. What a fraud LMAO! Claims to be authentic but than he sings another man’s words? I can’t have any respect for a “supposed legend” like that. Good honest writers live there songs and then they write about it. Like Colter Damn Wall! I know he spent many a night sleeping on the hard ground with a dead rattlesnake as his pillow. He wrote his own songs so you know that’s true. George on the other hand spends his nights in silk sheets in a five million dollar house with his Prius parked outside. What a joke! Might as well be Florida-Georgia Line too me!

If I met George Straight, I’d spray him in the face with a full can of mace. He’s as much too blame for country being shitty now as Garth Brooks and Randy Travis (another pretty boy who didn’t write every single song by himself like your suppose too!). 


I didn’t even listen to this song. I guess it’s about how he likes too drink fruity cocktails and play parcheesi in the upscale bars he visits when he’s trying to sell them his Codigo tequila. He’ll probably stand up on a stage in Las Vegas, not playing his guitar, looking all handsome and singing another man’s song and make another million dollars to put in a Starbucks for his horses or some shit. This guy sucks.




Nov 1, 2018

Carl Outlaw, Real Country Fan, Reviews Chris Stapleton's "Millionaire"


I didn't even listen to this. Chris Stapleton is just Luke Bryan with a beard. In fact, did you know he wrote a song for Luke Bryan? My God people - is this your country music savior? He also wrote a song for Thomas Rhett. If that's not enough for every won of you too not listen to him, you ain't a real country music fan like me! He also sang a song with Justin Timber Lake. Cringe city!



Seriously get the f*** out of my face with this guy. They play him on the radio, so he can't be very good. And they only play pop music so Chris Stapleton is a pop singer, plane and simple. I won't even listen to any of his music too see if my opinion is wrong, because it isn't. Somebody told me he was in a bluegrass band one time. Bull Shit! This fake ass wanna be doesn't know a banjo from a you calalee. 

I bet he's a liberal to. If you're hair is longer than a nice business cut, your probably a socialist hippie commisexual. I wouldn't listen to him unless are president himself came to my house and played him and even then I'd have to think long an hard about it. 

This song is called "Millionaire" because it's about what he became off of you sheep! Just because Farce the Music likes Chris Stapleton, doesn't mean anything. Trailer likes Jamey Johnson to and that guy wrote "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk." LOL, fake ass.



It's easy too know if your listening to real country music because if their's any instruments beside a steel guitar and an acoustic guitar are a fiddle, its not real. In fact, the ideal country music would be just a guy on death row (white) twanging a spring on his bed singing about a woman who done left him. That's real motherf***ing country music. 

In somarry, this song is bad and your bad if you like it and I don't trust you're opinion on anything.


Jan 24, 2018

Carl Outlaw, Real Country Fan, Reviews Bebe Rexha/FGL "Meant to Be"

Carl Outlaw, Real Country Fan, 
Reviews Bebe Rexha w/FGL "Meant to Be"

Florida-Georgia Line? I stopped their to take a piss one time. LOL, that gets me every time. Bebe Rexha? That sounds like "baby erection," which is disgusting. I imagine this song is pretty disgusting to. I wouldn't know - I didn't listen too it. 


Look, as much as I hate country radio now, I used to listen to it back in the early 2000's before it got all metrosexual and whatnot. So, I get tired of all these pop singers putting songs on country radio and all these damn "country" jackoffs putting out pop songs. I mean, stop shooting a dead horse. That shit ain’t country. It’s pop or white boy hip hop. Or white girl in this case.


Two be fair, this chick is pretty hot. I'd bay bay her rexha if you know what I mean. But that don't matter, cause her music sucks. I haven't listened to it, but all pop music is shit. Ask me if I like any pop music? No sir. Not even the Beetles. Their shit.
Luke Bryan, who's she?

Those so called men should be ashamed to call themselves country and radio stations should be ashamed to play there music and call it country! Their ain't nothing country about this song even though I've never heard it. It's just too ballsacks and one pop princess singing a love song about how much they miss Obama or something. I ain't down with that, son!



If you like this song you probably eat Tide Pods on the way to the Women's March while kneeling for the anthem. I mean that. There disrespecting country music which is the same as burning a flag on my mama's kitchen table while praising Satan, as far as I'm concerned.

Nov 13, 2017

Carl Outlaw, Real Country Fan Reviews Walker Hayes "You Broke Up With Me"



Walker Hayes - You Broke Up With Me

Been a while, but I'm back to review yet another stupid ass mainstream country song. This one looks like a doozie. I say 'looks like' because their ain't no way in hell I'm listening to a song with lyrics about swagger and crashin' parties. There ain't nothing country music about being a hip hopping white boy. 



I looked this dude up on Google and he's old. Like what the hell? I'm 12 years younger then him and I don't even understand half of the lyrics. I would have to hit up Urban Dictionary for that. I half expect one of these lines to be secretly about a sexual encounter featuring a roll bar and a can of Axe.

This ain't called country, It's called commercialism Pretty music same thing with rap-so called music. This modern music is for the dump.


I'm tired of people ruining MY DAMN COUNTRY music. I went to a Shooter Jennings concert the other night and he had a keyboard up on stage. As soon as I seen it, I put my jacket back on, walked out the door and pissed on his tour bus. Damn sell out, even he's going liberal loony left snowflake like Brad Pasely. There not just messing up country there messing up are country!

It's a fact country music is dead been dead for a wile all we have now are ball cap wearing want to b rappers that suck. Accept if you no wear to look! I've got plenty of real BY GOD country music on my phone like Hank 3, Dick Scratch and the Shriveled Nutsacks, and David Alan Cole!!! 

So let's all get together and call this "song" what it is. A big old pile of shit. 


Apr 13, 2017

Carl Outlaw Reviews The Chainsmokers (ft. FGL) - Last Day Alive

Carl Outlaw Reviews The Chainsmokers (ft. FGL) - Last Day Alive

Listen hear if your stupid: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6b6T0W3aLBg

What the shit, Trailer? Why don't you review this crap yourself and let me have the good music? Their's no excuse for it at all.

Well, this is a supposed "song" and it's by somebody called The Chainsmokers and our favorite dumbass duo, Florida-Georgia Line. I don't even know who the Chainsmokers are and that's not a lie. I looked at there picture and can tell they suck. Supposably, they do EPMD music or something like that. If it ain't made by a real by-God instrument, than it's not really music. There smoking something alright, but it's not a chain!



Whats funny is FGL is so pop country you can't even tell any difference I bet. Their better be a steal guitar in your song, if you want me to listen to it!! Theses stupid motherf***ers don't even know what real music is.

I'm not going to listen to this but I imagine its about living it up before you get old or some bullshit like that. As if we don't know that. But hell, I'd rather sit in a room slapping my balls together for eternity then to "live it up" if it includes listening to this song even one time. Their's probably a rapper part of this song to and Ive been saying this for a long time!! You know what you get when you mix country with rap... Crap.


Country singers, even if there fake country singers like Bray and Randy or whatever there names are, shouldn't sing with pop music people. Any country artist who's ever preformed with a pop artist in world history is not REAL DAMN COUNTRY. I don't care who it is. I'll stick with meral haggard.


In summary, this song sucks and so do you if you like it and so does Trailer for telling me to review it. This is what's wrong with America!  Hey, country singers, sing about cheating women, drinking whiskey, and driving 18 wheelers, and not about dancing around in you're tight jeans and polishing the chrome. If you know what I mean.

Dec 8, 2016

Americana Fan Unhappy with Americana's Popularity

Carl Outlaw
Self-described "real country fan" and hardcore Americana lover, Carl Outlaw, is feeling disillusioned by the recent rise of roots music. Citing Jason Isbell's growing fan base, Chris Stapleton's massive year, and Sturgill Simpson's Grammy nominations, Outlaw says he's now seeking lesser known acts to satisfy his desire to dislike anything embraced by popular culture.

"I don't wanna call them sellouts, but I mean, you can't even get tickets to their shows these days." said Outlaw, "I don't know that you can put any faith in the authenticity of a singer or band that people outside my alt-country subreddit might enjoy."

Long an underground scene with a few passionate fans and little recognition outside message boards and tiny Americana radio stations, roots music has seen a large growth in visibility in recent years. Groups like Mumford and Sons and The Lumineers brought rustic sounds to the pop airwaves. Chris Stapleton has gone double platinum, ruling the country awards since 2015. Isbell and Simpson are selling out medium-sized venues nearly every night.

"If there's any chance of Luke Bryant or Sam Rice [sic] fans possibly liking the same music I do, I don't want any part of that." continued Mr. Outlaw, "I guess (Isbell, Simpson, etc.) like money more than they like having fans like me."

Hank Williams, III
Outlaw told us he's a dedicated fan, but feels that many artists have turned their backs on the little people who made them what they are. "When they get so big that they have their record labels take their albums off the uh… music 'discovery' sites, they really need to take a look in the mirror… as long as that mirror is not on a tour bus."

"I'll stick with bands who know their place, like Jimmy Parks and the Spittoon Bangers or the Valley Mountain Creek Ramblers or the Silo Dust Sniffers," smiled Outlaw, "and Hank 3… he doesn't even put out music anymore, how underground is that?!?"




Nov 4, 2016

Carl Outlaw, Real Country Fan, Reviews the 2016 CMA Awards

Carl Outlaw, Real Country Fan, 
Reviews the 50th CMA Awards

I didn't watch the CMA Awards, but here is my review anyway. Was Hank 3 on there? Was Jamey Johnson on there? Was Gutbucket Slim and the Dewclaws on there? Hell naw. Than, why should I watch it? They don't respect real country music so they should change there name to Crappy Music Association. I'm so sick of the media flooding different genera's with pop music.



I heard they had a few real country singers on their. Like Charlie Pride and Charlie Daniels and Roy Clark, but if I had to sit threw one second of some fruity guy wearing Levi's Tights©, than it wasn't worth the effort. And Carrie Underwood and Brad Paisley were the hosts? Pop country bull shit! Brad Paisley can play guitar ok, but he's about as country as Elton John's ballsack. Carrie Underwood is a banshee and an American Idle contestant, so clearly she isn't REAL COUNTRY BY GOD.




And then I read on The Blaze that they had Beeyansay on there. WHAT THE UNHOLY HELLFIRE F**K? Who's house should I egg over this? Isn't she married to that guy who killed Tupac? What message are we sending to our good American children? That it's okay to let people like her on the COUNTRY DAMN MUSIC awards? Its all money driven and their isn't any morals left in this country! Beyonsay is anti-cops & Chicks are Anti-american....Natilie's bashing of Pres.Bush has not been forgotten.


I think Luke Bryan had a song on the show too, but I don't know who that is. Maybe those George Florida Boyz did a song too? They probably had a segment at the end wear they burned photos of Merle Haggard and George Jones on an altar in the shape of Taylor Swift. I'm just tired of all this shit. If you disagree with me you can kiss my REAL COUNTRY ASS.

Sep 15, 2016

Carl Outlaw, Real Country Fan, Reviews Chris Lane's "For Her"

Chris Lane - For Her

Who is Chris Lane? Why does he look like the cool youth minister who stands a little to close too the girls? This guy sucks I can tell just from looking at him. Like Aaron Lewis says "that ain't country!"

I actually listened too a few seconds of this song and I hated it. His hair makes me want to cut all mine off so I have one less thing in common with this tool. It look like he got dressed at the mall walking from Holister to American Eagle to some other goofy ass pretty boy store. Stupid idiot. If all your doing in country music is trying to make girls like you you aren't country.  IN HIS WILDEST DREAMS WILL HE EVER QUALIFY COUNTRY STATUS.



I read the lyrics and their dumb to. What do you expect? Its more crap about riding around with a girl. It's a bunch of wussy mess that any red blooded American mail should be embarrassed to be caught dead listening too! If you have to listen to this in your ride to impress a girl, I''d rather buy a blow up doll. 




"She's got a laugh like confetti" is one of the lyrics. What the shit does that mean? Does she spray spit every where when she laughs? If so, she might not have any teeth. Is she really worth making a wimp of yourself for? Can you really sing, Chris? Or why do you have to kinda rap and do auto tune? Country music comes from the heart. Rap comes directly from the anus.



This song is terrible and if you listen too it let me know so I can unfollow you on Twitter if I had a Twitter account. If you like it you suck! Would you believe me if I told ya I have no clue who Luke Bryan is?

Jul 26, 2016

Carl Outlaw, Real Country Fan, Reviews Luke Bryan's "Move"

Carl Outlaw, Real Country Fan,
Reviews Luke Bryan's "Move"

I think Trailer is punishing me for not writing many reviews this year. This is probly the worst song that has ever been recorded. Not that I've listened too it. I don't get paid enough to listen too a Luke Bryan song. In fact, God could smite me on the road to Tuscaloosa and say "you must listen to Luke Bryan to get too Heaven" and I'd be on the first Greyhound to visit uncle Satan.


Merle, George, and Waylon should rise up and kick Lukes ass then go piss on those varies named Florida-Georgia Line. I would kick his ass but he's got a personal trainer so he probly can bench a little more than I can and I been down in my back a little. Still, he deserves a steeltoe in his anus for all what he's done to country music.

I guess I'll take a look at the lyrics and let you know what I think of them. HOLY SHIT! Trailer says I can't make homo-phobic jokes on Farce the Music or I'd put one right here:_____________________________. Just believe me - these lyrics are fruity as Toucan Sam. That's what thought to shoup the hell up. Probably lives in some high rise downtown condo lmao.



"Move like you do, All sexy and smooth" what the hell, man? Anybody knows that a real country man ain't gone talk to his woman like that. And he keeps spelling out words. His fans are to stupid too know how to spell? LOL. I'm not surprised. If your dumb enough to listen too pop country, theirs no telling how low you're IQ is.



In summeration, this is not a country song and it sucks ass. If you like it your stupid and our probly voting for Hillery Clinton lmoa. Get some real country in you're life like C0E and BO-CEPHUS AND TAMMY TUCKER!!! Luke Bryant is garbage. I'd rather fart in a gas fire then listen to his "music."

Jun 9, 2016

Carl Outlaw, Real Country Music Fan, Reviews Thomas Rhett's "Vacation"

Don't listen to the song here; I'm warning you.

What the three-toed f**k is this junk? I actually tried to listen for a few seconds because there was a girl in a bikini in the preview shot of the video. Bate and switch for sure. It sounded like some crap a 9 year old plays on the keyboard he gets for his birthday and never plays again after the first week. Is this a real song, Trailer? Your kidding me right?

Maybe Thomas is trying to be an outlaw by putting out something nobody can even listen too. That's pretty outlaw in a messed up way. There are a couple outlaw country singers today; Chris Stapelton, Jamie Johnson and Arrow Lewis. Tommy Rhett ain't one. The most outlaw thing he ever done was wait an extra week to get the oil changed in his bro-dozer pickup truck.



I haven't list listen to any new country in 20 plus years, and I don't plan to start after hearing fifteen seconds of this shit. todays socalled country is nothing but pure crap with pure crap singers like puke bryan and the like. Who ever told these guys that they can just put out any kind of song they feel like on a given day and call it country. I wish there would be a zombie uprising of dead country legends to put and end to this junk. Merle would go right for this little purty boy and ............................ (Edited for violent content - Trailer)



Let me get something out of the way: Who in the hell is Luke Bryan ?? Never hear of him. Didn't he used to clean George and Merle's boots once ??

Alright back to this cat-ass-trophy. No. Just no. If your going to ruin the legacy of a great music like country that give us George Jones and Johnny Cash, this is the way too do it. Normally I kinda exaggerate how bad these songs Trailer makes me review are (even though I don't really listen to them), but even I can't do it this time. Its as bad as a splinter in your pecker.



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