Apr 1, 2025
A Miracle!
Jul 22, 2022
Woman Wearing Soggy Bottom Boys T-Shirt Can’t Even Name 3 of Their Songs
Supposed traditional country music fan and Soggy Bottom Boys t-shirt owner Kelly Landry revealed herself to be a complete poser when tasked with naming 3 of their songs on Thursday.
Outlaw said that he approached Landry on the dog food aisle and graciously complimented her on her choice of apparel. After a short conversation about the trio’s musicianship and songwriting, (which Landry said she assumed was tongue in cheek) Outlaw began to sense her ignorance and went in for the kill.
“All she could name was ‘Man of Constant Sorrow’ which everybody on earth who isn’t a dumbass Luke Bryan fan knows,” said Outlaw. “I was embarrassed for her and said she ought not wear that shirt in public being no more of a fan than that.”
“It’s not a real band,” said an exasperated Landry. “Does he want me to name songs the fictional group performed in the movie O Brother Where Art Thou? I’m not even sure what he was getting at besides trying to prove some kind of batshit crazy country authenticity.”
When faced with Landry’s accusation that he, in fact, was the one posturing, Outlaw replied: “Look, I don’t even know what that means, but I will stand up for real country music any time I get the chance. She’s the one on pot, or whatever.”
Ms. Landry quickly ended the conversation with an abrupt “Bless your heart,” and as she walked away, Outlaw yelled “Go listen to Walker Brown or Kane McGraw, you f***ing fake ass! Bet you don’t even listen to Dusty Chandler!”
Mar 26, 2021
Local Man Wins Award for Never Having Heard of Luke Bryan
Local welder and “real country fan” Carl Outlaw recently picked up a prestigious award for his lack of pop-culture knowledge. The American Cultural Luddite Society gave Outlaw a plaque and a $50 gift certificate to Panera for his achievement in the area, particularly for Carl’s lack of awareness of country superstar Luke Bryan.
“We were duly impressed,” said Luddite Society president Keith Tarlington. “It seemed that nearly every social media post about Luke Bryan was followed with a reply from Carl… a “Who TF is that?” here, a “Luke Bryan, who’s she?” there.” “We were shocked that a human being with functioning sensory organs and an internet connection could not recognize the platinum selling superstar.” he continued. “Therefore, Mr. Outlaw has been bestowed with this distinguished recognition for his willful ignorance.”
While some might suspect Outlaw of simply trolling, friends and relatives say he is honestly that unaware of popular music. “He’s damn proud of it too,” said cousin LeeLee Outlaw. “Makes sure to brag about not ever having heard Florida-Georgia Line, or whoever …like it’s some accomplishment. He’s weird as hell.”
“I don’t listen to the radio” said Outlaw over the phone. “And I haven’t owned a TV in my entire life, so no, I really don’t know who Luke White or whoever you said is. And I’ve also never heard of ‘Beyonsee’ or ‘The Weekend’ or ‘Luke Coats’ or anybody like that and I’m glad I haven’t. I only listen to country music.”
When asked if he meant Toby Keith, Tim McGraw, or Taylor Swift, he sniffed “Who the f*** are they?”
Based on our interview, Outlaw does not, in fact, live under a rock and has not been asleep for 30 years (he’s only 23). He simply prides himself on avoiding any music that the general populous enjoys.
Well enjoy that Panera, oh great sidestepper of the mainstream. You’ve earned it!
Jan 13, 2021
Carl Outlaw, Real Country Fan, Reviews Chris Stapleton’s “Starting Over”
Listen, just because Chris Stapleton has a big beard and he ain’t a pretty boy don’t mean I’m gone drop too my knees and go “Oh savior of country music, slap me daddy!” I didn’t listen, as usual. He’s a pure ass pop singer. If you get played on the radio your automatically not a real country singer. Also, I heard he wrote a big hit song for Luke Bryan, whoever she is. If that ain’t enough for every one of you reading this too not listen to him, you should probably never claim too be a country fan again.
Too me, their’s no difference between Chris Stapleton and Florida-Georgia Line. Sure, maybe Chris doesn’t sing about getting nookie in a Silverado, but in this song he’s driving and I bet its in a truck. I drive a truck myself but I don’t sing about it. This dude suck's ass.
Reading over the lyrics, he’s not as terrible as some other pop singers pretending too be country, but their still isn’t no lines about fighting or silos, or methamphetamine production, so its for sure not country music. And I bet the production is all professional and the band is pro fishin at playing there instruments. Who wants that? Give me a rag tag bunch of loosers recording on an old tape recorder in a storage room somewhere anyday!
One last thing. I herd Chris Stapleton wants to personally come too my house and take my Gatling style Minigun from me. It is my by God right as a citizen of America too protect my family even though I don’t have one. He must be a straight up socialist! Its like that book 1985 all over again! But that’s besides the point.
This song is terrible and stop trying too tell me Chris Stapleton is different from the rest of country radio. If I don’t listen to it, it all sounds the same too me!!
Dec 18, 2020
Man Infuriated You Left Extremely Obscure Album off Your Year-End List
A self-described “real country fan” is miffed at you. You recently posted your “Top 10 Albums of 2020” on your blog, and he’s positively enraged that you didn’t include his favorite, despite it being a terribly obscure, poorly produced, entirely un-marketed album of lo-fi outlaw country.
“I can’t believe this s***,” said Carl Outlaw, the aforementioned real country fan. “They call themself a fan of country and Americana music and yet didn’t give Harl Bodens & The Can Draggers’ album even an honorable mention?? They probably should shut down the blog.”The album, entitled Meth & Merle, was only released through Harl Bodens’ website in 8-track format or as a massive 1-track wav file, yet Outlaw expects you to have not only heard it, but to have found it to be among the best of approximately 2,394 country-related albums released in 2020. “I’m going too stop followering you.” read Carl’s blog comment. “If you ain’t as in formed as me about country music, why do I even need too bother?” (The incorrect grammar is Carl’s doing)
“Meth & Merle is clearly the most authentic country album of the century,” Carl told us. “The band recorded it in a chicken coop while stoned out of their minds on shrooms. Also, nobody else I know likes them so that means they’re good.”
Little does Mr. Outlaw know, you actually have heard the album and just didn’t think it was very good. “It sounds like it was recorded in a dumpster, the singer can’t carry a tune in a barrel, the lyrics are predictable, and the ‘fiddle’ is just some drunk guy screeching.” you informed us.
Oct 2, 2020
Carl Outlaw, Real Country Fan, Reviews Morgan Wallen's "7 Summers"
Aug 14, 2020
Country Fan Sure His “Boobies!” Reply on Instagram Will Make Maren Morris Fall for Him
May 19, 2020
Carl Outlaw, Real Country Fan, Reviews Jason Isbell & The 400 Unit’s Reunions
Jan 21, 2020
Carl Outlaw, Real Country Fan, Reviews Tim McGraw’s “Way Down”
Dec 6, 2019
No Good Country Music Released Since ’79, Says Moron
Aug 9, 2019
Carl Outlaw, Real Country Fan, Reviews The Highwomen's "Redesigning Women"
Jul 29, 2019
Carl Outlaw, Real Country Fan, Reviews Hardy’s “Rednecker”
May 17, 2019
Carl Outlaw, Real Country Fan, Reviews Tyler Childers’ “House Fire”
Apr 23, 2019
Carl Outlaw, Real Country Fan, Reviews George Strait’s New Single
Mar 25, 2019
More Monday Memes: Lukes, Mitchell Tenpenny, Kane Brown
Nov 1, 2018
Carl Outlaw, Real Country Fan, Reviews Chris Stapleton's "Millionaire"
I didn't even listen to this. Chris Stapleton is just Luke Bryan with a beard. In fact, did you know he wrote a song for Luke Bryan? My God people - is this your country music savior? He also wrote a song for Thomas Rhett. If that's not enough for every won of you too not listen to him, you ain't a real country music fan like me! He also sang a song with Justin Timber Lake. Cringe city!