Local Man Forcibly Removed from Country Radio Station

Local man Reginald Spears was removed, bloodied and battered by security and local officers, after refusing to leave the premises of WTSM Catfish 104.9 on Monday afternoon.

Spears showed up at the front desk of the station around 2:15 in the afternoon, holding two large donut boxes. When Spears said he'd brought some goodies, and asked to see the "head fool in charge," receptionist Lora Nickles suggested he make an appointment. Mr. Spears indicated that he was a busy man and needed to see new manager Anthony Sparks immediately (though he used much more colorful language). When Nickles threatened to call security, Spears pulled a megaphone out of one of the boxes and began to yell "Stop lying to listeners, Catfish!" and "Sam Hunt is a pop singer!"

When Sparks came up from his office to intervene, Spears opened the other donut box to reveal that it was full of foul smelling chitlins. "See, I can lie too!" Spears hollered.

Security attempted to get Mr. Spears to leave without confrontation, but he sat down on the pleather couch in the waiting area and continued his tirade. While the man never threatened anyone or became violent, it still took the 2 security officers and 4 local police officers to roughly drag Spears out into the parking lot. He refused treatment for several contusions and a bleeding lip.

Several DJs appeared to be crying and shaking in the hallway after the scary scene. "He could have had a bomb or anything, but it was almost worse - he was being a closed-minded hater!" whimpered popular morning show host Alford "All Star" Hinds.

"This is an upsetting event to all of us here at Catfish," Sparks said, "It was the first time several of our on-air personalities had ever heard that Sam Hunt wasn't country; we're having a couple of counselors brought in tomorrow morning."

Deputy William Cranston said that Spears, an infamous ne'er-do-well and country music "vigilante," would not be charged at this time, as long as he vowed to stay 100 yards from radio station premises. "He didn't hurt anybody or destroy anything this time; he may be finally mellowing out," laughed Cranston.

"In my younger days, I'd be back up in this b**ch with a backhoe and some rope, but I'm more mature now and I'm also still on probation; I'll just talk sh** about them online." said a still red-faced Spears as he climbed into his wife's car.

As they drove away, Spears rolled the window down and yelled "Look for me on Twitter, I'm kinda famous, I was on Kimmel a couple of times!"

Cody Jinks, Gabe Marshall, and Bryon White Perform "We Get By"

Sam Hunt: Crossing Over

Album "Review" Mastodon - Emperor of Sand

How I Really Feel About Mastodon’s The Emperor of Sand

by Robert Dean

You know when you’ve got mutual friends with someone, and your friends try to sell you on that other friend like, “Oh man, you gotta meet Phil. Phil fucking rules. We went to high school together. Great dude. Kills on guitar. Hilarious. Knows every word to every episode of Family Guy.” And then you meet Phil, and Phil sucks.

You have no idea why your friends love Phil. Maybe it was because you were late to the game and missed out when this dude peaked and owned shit with that wicked sense of humor. (While we’re on it, despite it being funny, people who over-quote Family Guy are annoying.)

You keep giving Phil chances when you see him out. You’re desperate to like Phil. You study up on Phil history. You actively learn about Phil if he’s going to be a satellite member of your crew. You revisit his old material. You ask to be told the stories so that you can search for the deeper meanings in the payoff. Still, you’re just like, meh – Phil. Because Phil is relevant to your community of friends, you deal with Phil and learn to tolerate Phil, not love him as they do.

You’re having a few beers, and next thing you now, he’s there telling boring work stories, but doing a bunch of weirdo cartoon voices. He’s also obsessed with Rick and Morty to an uncomfortable level that makes his constant show references hard to keep up with. It’s kind of draining. But, you endure the night.

Phil LOVES Iron Maiden. Like, a lot and thinks they’re the best band ever when most people like a handful of tunes. Phil gets all obsessional about the content of the lyrics and by word seven of this whack conversation, you’re already fucking bored with Phil. It’s just too much.

You start to wonder if you even wanna kick it with your friends anymore because maybe you’re just as annoying as Phil is. Considering this, it blows your mind. It makes you wonder about all kinds of mind-altering, existential dread shit. Just because Phil is a dork, who thinks bacon flavored everything is cool. He’s spoken at length to you about “nature’s candy” and essentially just ruined breakfast meats for you.

Finally, you just learn to ignore everyone when they drop some Phil knowledge or try to sell you hard on him and his corny jokes straight from the pages of Reddit. Sure, he has some moments where he does shine, and you’re like, fuck – “why can’t you do that all the time?!” And then Phil goes right back to bumming you out. He’s not a bad dude, either. He’s just not your people. It took a little while to get it, but it just is what it is.

Once you’ve gotten over that crucial hump of learning to accept indifference and gain the ability to filter out annoying shit in your life, you can hang with Phil. Never alone, though. That’d be too weird. Phil will never be that cool, and you will never like him like that. He’s a group hangout instance only. You’ve been dodging that Facebook friend request forever and you ain’t about to hit the yes button anytime soon, despite the fact that he’s been following you on Instagram for like a year.

What I’m trying to say is, Mastodon is Phil.


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Emperor of Sand is available on Amazon and everywhere else, and the head honcho of this site thinks it's excellent.

Monday Morning Memes: FGL, Luke Bryan, Coal Rollin'