A $12 "vintage look" Smashing Pumpkins t-shirt was recently purchased from a Chicago area Walmart and mutilated for the express purpose of making Nick "Slickdawg" Bolan, the dipshit bassist for a major mainstream country singer, look badass. This absolute asshat took a pair of scissors to the cheap approximation of a Siamese Dream tour shirt, tearing holes in the sleeves and removing the neck fabric completely, all to make it appear to unknowing fans that he is a Pumpkins fan from way back.
Fans were none-the-wiser at the Friday night concert, shouting their approval and throwing up the rock hand sign (a ™ of Gene Simmons Inc. 2017) as the ridiculous looking ballbag pounced around the stage behind his meaty band leader. "Whoooo Smashing Pumpkins!" yelled Evanston native Carly Sitz. "I don't know who that is, but the bassist looks like a total bad ass!"
The v-cut neck of the black shirt bearing a photo of two little girls huddled closely, hung low across the turd's shaven and sculpted chest muscles, revealing an ample display of tacky skull necklaces and moronic tribal tattoos. The 15 year old female fans and their inappropriately dressed mothers ate it up.
Bolan, who's only ever heard one Smashing Pumpkins song because it's played over the arena sound system before shows, pouted and shot fierce looks into the sea of fans, who responded in awe at the posing tool's putrid mohawk-mullet combo and fake biker apparel. The fuckstick never missed a lick as he laid down a groove for hit after bro-country hit, his wallet chain swaying through the strobe lights.
The jerk-off plans to wear a shredded Goo Goo Dolls shirt for the next show in Minneapolis, having idiotically mistaken the Goo Goo Dolls for Minneapolis' Soul Asylum. The asinine choad's equally insipid stylist believes this will somehow grant him 'street cred' from a crowd of teenagers who've never heard of either band.
At press time, Bolan was shining his square-toe boots while listening to Lil Uzi Vert.
If Robyn Ludwick ever makes it big (well, as big as you can make it on the Americana scene), people will wonder just where the hell she came from. "How have I not heard her before?" they'll ask in exasperated tones. I've got news for 'em. She's been here all along, and it's a damn shame how far under the radar she's flown with even Texas country and roots music fans.
This Tall to Ride is Robyn's fifth album, and it's a strong one. It's brimming over with her trademark dark wit, seedy characters, and undeniable melodies. There are few artists in all of music, who can have you cheerfully singing along to a song about "freelancin' hookers" who sniff Visine.
Ludwick's voice is pure Texas with a hint of Stevie Nicks. It's expressive and relatable. There are times she gets a little pinched sounding, but you get used to it... it's not a flaw, it's a feature.
Her songwriting is full of character sketches of losers and funny stories without happy endings. At times, she uses an economy of words to convey a novel full of insight. And the lines… there are lines that can wet your eyes because they're so heartfelt. If you can find A place in your heart For Junkies N Clowns Then you’re halfway To believin’ in Me
There are lines that'll wet your eyes from laughing. Take Cyclops Boy You know he don’t lie And brother he’ll look you Right in the eye
Despite this lyrical prowess, Ludwick never lets the words take precedence over the song. The hooks never fail. The transitions will take your breath. She builds tension then lets you exhale. Most of the songs on This Tall to Ride are ridiculously catchy. It's just a masterclass in songwriting.
It's a steady and consistent album, only because nearly every song is a highlight. If you're looking for a gateway though, "Bars Ain't Closin'" won't steer you wrong. It's forlorn in its tale of being away from a lover, whether due to a break-up or being on the road, but there's a beauty and strangely uplifting tone. When you're listening to a sad song, you're never alone.
"Texas Jesus" might bother the Baptists if they focus on the title … oh, and the subject matter. It's about finding temporary emotional salvation in the arms… hands… whatever… of a part time hooker. "Hard times, easy money, feeling good don't feel bad honey" is the song's refrain and it's how you'll feel listening. Folks on the edges of life finding what they need in a temporary fix. And a great line's in here too: "I can't spell hypocrisy, but I can smell it in the air."
Pretty much all of This Tall to Ride is like that. Broken people getting by however they can. Songs that make you feel so good while hearing about people having it so bad. It'd almost be misery porn, but there's always a bit of optimism, or acceptance at least, to be found in every story. Roses growing in a shut down truck stop parking lot.
Oh, did I mention who Robyn's brothers are? I didn't? Well, that's not even relevant. What's important is that you should listen to this album immediately. Ludwick should be appreciated and celebrated in this scene on her own accord. And don't be caught surprised when she breaks through one of these days. It won't be an overnight success.
