Archives: FTM Predicts the Lyrics: Luke Bryan - Kick the Dust Up

ORIGINALLY POSTED JAN 22, 2015

Yesterday, Luke Bryan announced his huge 2015 "Kick the Dust Up" tour. That's presumably the name of the forthcoming first single (or just a cut) off his next album, and it's written by our buddies Dallas Davidson, Ashley Gorley and Chris DeStefano (writers of the all-time classic "That's My Kind of Night"). Here is (are?) FTM's predicted lyrics for that sure-fire hit and bane of our existence for months to come.

Kick the Dust Up

©2015 FTM Satire

This ol' town is so boring and stuff

Nobody likes to get turnt up

To Schmurda and Big Sean

Well I ain't stressin' on what they say

So climb up in my pick-up bae

Let's get our cliché on

Kick the dust up

Shake your butt butt

Girl, move them haunches like a paint mixer

Tearin' up the pasture like a twister

Fill your cup up

Kick the dust up

All my bros is blowin' up my phone

Pulling up twisted on Patron

Glad they out that damn town

All them bustahs keep throwin' shade

But I just wanna get laid

So drop them cutoffs down

Kick the dust up

Shake your butt butt

Girl, bounce that thang like a jackhammer

Let's get cray cray, nah I didn't stammer

Fill your cup up

Kick the dust up

Bridge

Out here where the moon hangs low

Forget about your troubles

Hangin' with thots and crankin' Coe

Babe I wanna bust yo bubble

Kick the dust up

Shake your butt butt

Girl, twerk that maker like yo name is Miley

Make my emoticon a smiley

Fill your cup up

Kick the dust up

Whiskey Myers / "Rolling Stone" / The Today Show

Kane Brown Fan eCards: October '19

These are actual YouTube comments from Kane Brown fans.

Tool Dresses as Kenny Chesney to Attend Kenny Chesney Concert

Local tool, in his usual attire

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California April 09, 2009 - Idea by Mr. Wilcox

Local tool and fan of "whatever the country station is playing," Morty 'Mo' Haas, dressed up as Kenny Chesney to attend Friday's Kenny Chesney concert. The idea first came to Mo after a shower, as he stared through a heavy cloud of Axe at his image in the fogged mirror and realized just how much he looked like the superstar from east Tennessee. The male pattern baldness, the insane guns, the extraordinarily average visage, the 5 foot 5 stature... it all added up. 

Two hours later, Mo and his buddy Chaz Vance stepped into the Mohegan Sun Arena dressed to kill... margaritas. Mo was clad in a sleeveless Hooters t-shirt, a rumpled cowboy hat bought at a garage sale, tattered size 36 Rustler jeans that took 10 minutes to stretch over his meaty thighs and a pair of Corona flip flops. His buddy Chaz dressed as one of Kenny's guitar players, wearing jeans and a t-shirt of some indie rock band he'd never actually heard of (R.E.M.). All the fine ladies drooled and the guys mad-dogged as they strode into the arena, Mo later reported. 

When Kenny hit the stage, singing some song about feet or Yoohoos or something, most of the fans were staring at Mo, thinking he was actually Kenny singing from the audience, reported Chaz. 

"The resemblance was disturbing" says April Curtis, who was also at the concert on Friday. "I had seats near that guy, but me and my girlfriends moved down into some empty seats because his hairy gut kept popping out from under his too-tight shirt and bumping my elbow; I nearly mouth-vomited." 

By the midway point, Chaz and Mo were so deep into the $8 margaritas that arena security officials were watching them closely. "That tool in the stretch jeans kept telling girls he actually was Kenny and that his stunt double was filling in for him tonight so he could chill with all the sexy honeys," said Rufus Long, Mohegan Sun rent-a-cop director, "and the other sleazebag was 'screening' girls for him." 

Their conduct, although pathetic, never warranted an arrest during the show, but section FF was completely devoid of females by the encore. As he and Chaz stumbled out womanless, Mo bought a $35 t-shirt as a memento of the event and promptly ripped the sleeves off. 

Side note: This basically came true 3 years later.

The Crud Report: October '19