Thanks, Florida-Georgia Line!

A Country Salute to The Backstreet Boys

Monday Morning Memes: Luke Bryan, Ray Charles, FGL

Robert Dean vs. FGL/BSB "God, Your Mama, and Me"

A rant/review by Robert Dean

If you're brave, you can listen here.

*language warning!*

File this under: the obvious like the sun is hot, but I think we have unequivocal proof that Nashville-driven pop country is garbage – a steaming shitheap of garbage. So much waste you need waders to stomp through the bullshit. Like, before it was a lot of the obvious raised eyebrows, the throwing of hands in the air, and to everyone who likes this trash, a complete denial not seen since the last Trump speech.

What I’m talking about is uber-tools who use auto tune and wear man buns, the Florida/Georgia Line doing a song with the Backstreet Boys.  Come on dudes. There’s zero defense that pop country is just pop. We need to finally come to terms as a species and tell everyone that their new song God, Your Momma, and Me has culturally absolute zero with anything Johnny Cash or Waylon ever did.

I only cite them because every dork in a trucker cap and a flannel with beautiful teeth name drops them constantly like it adds some sort of credibility – well, hoss it don’t. Luke Bryan still sucks, and these two clowns parading around with a geriatric boy band only proves the point further. Yeah, Luke, we remember Here’s to the Farmer where you pander to every blue-collar worker out there in some maligned attempt to be “genuine” – too bad it’s genuinely awful.

But, back to the task at hand, God, Your Momma, and Me – this song defies any logic of how horrible it is. It’s like if AIDS fucked Cancer and created a super hybrid that killed you within an instant. That’s what this is. Within the first few verses, we nail the archetypes of all pop country diatribes: God, love, mommas, angels, shotguns. Of course, they turn up the radio on a dirt road. And they call this malignant colon of music “country” – what the fuck is country about six dudes dancing in tandem and wearing $200 jeans?

Next time you’re at the bar some clown in turquoise “dress boots” starts giving you the business when you tell him Jason Aldean is as country as a Cher, you’ve got probable ammunition to go down the rabbit hole. We already knew Florida/Georgia Line sucked to the infinite levels with their hokey, cliché driven audio enemas, but this is some next-level suckery.

God, Your Momma, and Me is so awful because it falls on pretenses like they’re being slick about singing some shitty love song that features one guy and four other guys oohing and ahhing. That’s the point, it’s deft and meant to distract you from a cold truth: pop country is Rihanna in a cowboy and tight jeans. It’s pop, it’s harmless, its bubble gum and it fucking sucks.

Fight me at swings after school.

*entirely devoid of editing by lazy Trailer*

Monday Morning Memes: Waylon, Luke Bryan, FGL

FGL + BSB = POOP

Hair Metal Country Bands? Grunge-try?

By Jeremy Harris

At some point modern country radio will either nose-dive into the ground …or pull up and straighten things out. I'm tired of fighting for it to get better so I've decided to help it drop like a rock by coming up with ten "Next big things" that should do the work. Surely recycling some bands from the past and country-izing them will do the trick and hopefully after reaching rock bottom radio will turn to real artists to bring back the fans who actually aren't stupid enough to love these ten re-envisioned bands. And just to be clear, if any record executives would like to steal my idea you owe me nothing. Hell, don't even mention my name.

A Fallout Boy Named Sue

Johnny Cash is very popular with the kids these days. Hot Topic sells his shirts like there's no tomorrow and I'm sure Fall Out Boy could use the cash at this point. There's also a lot of crossover for folks who wear black. 

Slaughter Jennings

The last show featured on CMT that had even a hint of true country music left was The Dukes of Hazard. Success of this act is entirely banking on the hopes of a few modern country fans knowing who sang that catchy opening theme and Slaughter having enough living members to record an album.

Backroad Boys

Ah, the 90's. Boy bands were all the rage. Why not bring that back with the Backstreet Boys but fake countrified up to the tenth degree. What mindless numbskull wouldn't love this? They can say country is where their hearts have always been. They could wear matching Realtree outfits!

Hick Yeah!

While heavy metal supergroup Hellyeah have had plenty of success around the world, nothing could prepare them for how much idiots love the word "hick" and any band with any unnecessary punctuation in their name. Now just imagine if the exclamation point was upside down. (Editor's note: I have no idea what that last sentence means, but I left it in there so you know what we're dealing with when Jeremy Harris writes a feature.)

Scorpions Bed Liners

Scorpions already has cheesy lyrics about making love so why not add a fiddle to the sound and a truck product to the band name and sell a million copies.

Alice In Tire-chains

This is a no-brainer. Why not let Layne Staley join the list of dead musicians rolling in their graves. With enough work, Washington could be the new Georgia. Who could be the Dallas Davidson of grunge-try?

Buck Slayer

It seems all modern country listeners either hunt or like to pretend they do so let's capitalize on this by unplugging Slayer and giving them all the camouflage a country boy would ever want. Also, stickers of this logo would sell like $2 meth to Brantley Gilbert fans.

Kris Kross Kristofferson

Yeah I know, one of the members of Kris Kross is dead. I don't remember which one and you probably don't either. What we all remember is how catchy that "Jump" song was. We also know that vampire movies are very popular with young Americans so let's incorporate that old dude from Blade in this one.

 Jackson 4X4

Michael Jackson dying may be the greatest thing to ever happen to modern country music. The Jackson 5 were giant hit makers back in the day so now just imagine locking "Rockin Robin" into four low.

Kiss (My Country A$$)

Gene Simmons has made millions selling worthless crap to fans for years but at some point he and his painted associates will run out of money. This is the prime time to introduce some new fans to a marketing genius. Plus their lyrics weren't that deep to begin with so let's just add a boat to "Christine Sixteen".