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Dec 22, 2015
Hey Ms. Claus I wanna wish you well
Let me watch you shake that thang like a bell
Come and take a ride in my jacked up sleigh
One arm round you, one holding the reins
We'll jingle ling down a gravel road
Make a little joy, who cares if it's cold?
I'm a gift in every sense of the word, grinch
Better trust and believe in
Santa Claus this evenin'
Spreadin' joy like what, gonna roast them chestnuts
Greetings girl, what's up?
It's a holiday, but I knew you'd pick it up
What you got on?
Are you wearing that mistletoe thong I bought ya
I know you've dialed "91_" on your land line, but I'm hopin' you don't call
I'm watching through your window, and I brought you some Christmas balls
Holiday bell ensemble
Joyous to see
Reindeer flying through the night
But then strikes tragedy
Gunshots o'er Tennessee
Hunting season's siege
Santa's team falls under the blade
Venison sausage is made
This dude named Kringle used to make me merriest
Sack bigger than a mountain, I ain't talking about Everest
Real jolly ass elf, let me drive his snow speeder
Cookies made his mouth water, now he calling me Keebler
Misspelled Christmas on the trailer deck
Cause there's rum in my cider glass
If you hear the neighbors gossiping
Tell 'em they can kiss my merry ass
Nov 18, 2015
Sep 5, 2015
Jan 23, 2015
Aug 16, 2013
By Jeremy Harris
At some point modern country radio will either nose-dive into the ground …or pull up and straighten things out. I'm tired of fighting for it to get better so I've decided to help it drop like a rock by coming up with ten "Next big things" that should do the work. Surely recycling some bands from the past and country-izing them will do the trick and hopefully after reaching rock bottom radio will turn to real artists to bring back the fans who actually aren't stupid enough to love these ten re-envisioned bands. And just to be clear, if any record executives would like to steal my idea you owe me nothing. Hell, don't even mention my name.
A Fallout Boy Named Sue
Johnny Cash is very popular with the kids these days. Hot Topic sells his shirts like there's no tomorrow and I'm sure Fall Out Boy could use the cash at this point. There's also a lot of crossover for folks who wear black.
The last show featured on CMT that had even a hint of true country music left was The Dukes of Hazard. Success of this act is entirely banking on the hopes of a few modern country fans knowing who sang that catchy opening theme and Slaughter having enough living members to record an album.
Ah, the 90's. Boy bands were all the rage. Why not bring that back with the Backstreet Boys but fake countrified up to the tenth degree. What mindless numbskull wouldn't love this? They can say country is where their hearts have always been. They could wear matching Realtree outfits!
While heavy metal supergroup Hellyeah have had plenty of success around the world, nothing could prepare them for how much idiots love the word "hick" and any band with any unnecessary punctuation in their name. Now just imagine if the exclamation point was upside down. (Editor's note: I have no idea what that last sentence means, but I left it in there so you know what we're dealing with when Jeremy Harris writes a feature.)
Scorpions Bed Liners
Scorpions already has cheesy lyrics about making love so why not add a fiddle to the sound and a truck product to the band name and sell a million copies.
Alice In Tire-chains
This is a no-brainer. Why not let Layne Staley join the list of dead musicians rolling in their graves. With enough work, Washington could be the new Georgia. Who could be the Dallas Davidson of grunge-try?
It seems all modern country listeners either hunt or like to pretend they do so let's capitalize on this by unplugging Slayer and giving them all the camouflage a country boy would ever want. Also, stickers of this logo would sell like $2 meth to Brantley Gilbert fans.
Kris Kross Kristofferson
Yeah I know, one of the members of Kris Kross is dead. I don't remember which one and you probably don't either. What we all remember is how catchy that "Jump" song was. We also know that vampire movies are very popular with young Americans so let's incorporate that old dude from Blade in this one.
Michael Jackson dying may be the greatest thing to ever happen to modern country music. The Jackson 5 were giant hit makers back in the day so now just imagine locking "Rockin Robin" into four low.
Kiss (My Country A$$)
Gene Simmons has made millions selling worthless crap to fans for years but at some point he and his painted associates will run out of money. This is the prime time to introduce some new fans to a marketing genius. Plus their lyrics weren't that deep to begin with so let's just add a boat to "Christine Sixteen".